on your mark....get set...GO!!!

Today, in my mind, was a pretty big day for me...I made a commitment for myself, to myself.  It's back to food logs, measurements, and weigh ins.  I am starting over! 

I faced the scale today.  That miserable damn scale...it hates me and quite frankly, I don't like it either.  I don't plan to frequent it much, only as needed and its not like I have to look at it, I have someone to jot down those depressingly high numbers that will aggressively drop.

The toughest part of today was seeing, saying, and finally accepting the amount of weight I gained. There are too many things I wish I could change but I know I can't.  My biggest regret is I see how much my detachment from this whole fitness thing has affected my family.  My family's load widened this past year and its time for them to "narrow" along with me.

We have lots of work to do, starting over seems to be even more tough then the initial start.  However, I do believe I have what I need, I learned lots last time around and I will learn more this time around.  I believe this is going to workout well for me.  I'm excited and feeling pretty determined!

What's on Tap for 2013?

Hmmmm....I have been thinking about lots of things.  I'm praying I will make 2013 a much better year then the end of 2011 and 2012.  I look back at the challenges experienced and I realize how much control I really did have over those situations and how my "over" reactions and negative perspective affected things.

With a New Year sitting right before me I have lots of good things planned this year.  One of the things I am most excited about is my certification.  I have a new set of books, a knowledgeable instructor, and determination to move forward with a plan and obtain that goal.

I'm not sure what is was that happened last week, but something motivated me to get back to taking good care of myself and work on my eating and maintain consistency with my workouts.  I'm excited about the new program we are implementing at work for 2013. I think that's playing a part in my attitude change.  We have a few things to sort out but I feel confident that we will have things ready to roll by the 2nd or 3rd week of January.  In that program I will have what I need to be consistent with my workouts.  So what about my eating...hmmm...well that is my biggest challenge and has been for quite a while now.  There were a couple of different factors that played a big part in during my weight loss days; one was support from others.  I've been at a loss as to how to build up that support again.  I know that once I get going and start losing it will happen automatically. People seem to notice the physical difference in me and comment which gives my confidence a boost. 

My challenge is gaining support prior to that point...that is what I can't seem to do for myself.  I do believe the solution is right in front of me...and it seems simple but something is holding me back.  I am actively being pursued by someone who wants to work with me and who I am interested in working with.  Flattering?  Absolutely.  It's exciting to me to see someone with tons of passion who just wants to guide someone so they can reach their goals.

We have set up a couple of appointments but life seems to be getting in the way and we had to reschedule a few times.  I seem to be procrastinating and I'm not sure why; it's something I've been praying about and I'm hoping I will soon realize what it is I need to do.  I think the main thing that is holding me back is that I have the knowledge needed to succeed from losing weight before.  I know what I have to do, I don't need to be taught anything.  I just need to get more motivation, confidence, and all those fun things I should be able to find from within but can't seem to just yet.  Something is telling me that I need to give things a good month or and I will have all that I need within myself.to be successful again.

I'm excited about this new beginning.There is much to look forward to, to learn, and to accomplish.  I'm praying for a wonderful, prosperous, and healthy new year for myself, my family, and my friends.  I'm ready for it all to begin!

Another Half Marathon in the books...

What a beautiful day for a nice long walk!  Yesterday's half marathon was pretty amazing.  The weather was perfect, the course was absolutely georgeous.  It was a great place to do some sight seeing...which I tried to do to some extent haha but it slowed me down. I certainly did not do what I had hope to do during this training process but there were accomplishments by some great ladies that could not have made me more proud. All the ladies I was with were doing their first half marathon.  Oh my were they nervous, excited, and so anxious.  I knew just how they felt. 

We had a few runners with us...Susan, who has been in our wellness program at work, since the beginning; she's had an amazing year.  To top it all off, she was expecting to walk the entire 13.1 miles INSTEAD she ran the first 10 miles and walked the rest!  Wow, absolutely amazing! 

Then there is Maritza who stood at the start line with her coat and backpack on saying that she was going to walk; she didn't think she could run it.  I demanded she give me her coat and backpack and get up there next to my friend Wendy and just take off with her.  Well that's what she did and she ran straight through and finished in 2 hrs and 25 minutes.

Wendy did pretty awesome as well! She ran across the finish line right into her new husband and kids in just over 2 hrs and 46 minutes. 

Walking was Ania, Jennifer, and myself.  Ania has been participating in our wellness program since the beginning and Jenn is a friend of mine.  The walk was long hard and painful but they finished well. 

I am sure that if you asked any one of these ladies if they would do it again they would say no....this week.  Ask next week and see what they say.

After it was all over everyone was wearing their pretty blue glass medals proudly!  We didn't get a picture at the end because all phones died haha...that's how long it was, but thats ok.  It was perfect, absolutely perfect and I feel so blessed that I was able to share a first half marathon experience with these awesome ladies!

Great Job Ladies!

I am so excited for you all!

Your hard work paid off!

Its been a while, life has been busy and it seems to be continuously changing while other things are being delayed or put on hold.

An amazing thing did happen yesterday.  After a month of waiting for MRI results, to determine if my MS has progressed, I heard from my Neurologist. He told me what I prayed to hear.  There has been no progression; there has been no change in my brain MRIs; no other lesion appeared.  When I had my visit with him 4 weeks ago he was very pleased and seemed surprised at how well I was doing.

He explained to me that only 5% of MS patients who do not medicate do not have progression.  He told me if my MRI came back unchanged I would be classified in that 5%.  Not bad, huh?  Now I can say I am in the top 5% of my class haha.

Injecting myself with chemicals every other day, when I wasn't even convinced I had MS made my stomach turn and my anxiety flair up.  I added to my anxiety wondering if not medicating was the right thing to do.  The MRI results confirmed that the right decision was made.  I needed that...I feel as though a huge burden was lifted.  I've been putting myself through a minor hell since I was diagnosed; I made a bad situation worse...when life gives me lemons,,,really big lemons I fall apart.  Now if someone else had the same lemons, I would be able to help them and pull them out of their "funk".  I'm not sure why that's something I cant do for myself.  Anyway. that is behind me now.  I have a follow up in April of next year and if I'm not mistaken i will not need another MRI for 18 months.

My boss and I had a great conversation when I sat with her to share my MRI results.  She gave me that gentle "slap back into reality" that I needed.  We talked about my weight gain, emotional eating, and all that fun stuff.  It was a good, encouraging conversation that left me believing in myself again.  With that said, I have a good feeling that I can pull myself together and get back on track with my fitness.  Lots of things are going through my mind and I'm looking at a couple of different options that may work for me.

One thing I know I have to work on, immediately, is my self worth.  I need to get that back.  I have allowed  people to yank it away from me before and I was able to get it back.  My prayer is that I will get it back sooner, much sooner and move forward.  Part 2 of that prayer is to be strong enough to not allow anyone else to make me feel that way again.  Although I doubt myself  at times, I tell myself over and over that just because someone else views me as being worthless doesn't mean I have to view myself this way AND it certainly doesn't mean others view me this way. 

Here we go again...the story of my life.  I put on a lot of weight that needs to come off.  My endurance went out the window and my confidence followed.  I wish I could just start all over again...wipe that slate clean and just go forward.

It's been nice to read what so many people are thankful through out the month.  There were times when I wanted to jump in and do the same but I figured I would save it for today.

God
What, where, and who would I be with out God...no where, I wouldn't exist.   The more I open my heart and my mind to Him the stronger I become and the more I crave to serve him and help others.

Family
The most amazing blessing God has bestowed upon me is my family.  I have a great husband who loves me dearly.  We have lots in common and at times nothing at all yet we make it work by supporting each other. Nothing tickles me more then when we are thinking of or blurting out the same thing.  We have fun and work well together to keep our family life strong.

My boys are my heart.  They make me smile yet reduce me to tears at times.  When I see them succeed or just attempt to do so it makes me feel so proud.  All 3 of them are amazing, smart, handsome, sweet and so considerate yet they are all so different.  I love watching them grow and experience all that life has to offer them.

My parents, sister, brothers,nieces, nephews, uncles, aunts,cousins and close family friends; how I miss you all, especially during this time of year.  Holidays were always huge for our family.  So much food and many gifts, laughs, poker, drinks, and a few tears here and there.  I will always cherish the memories of the most wonderful chaos I've ever experienced. 

I am so thankful or TJ's cousins and their families who have come back into his life.  I'm not sure anyone, unless in the same situation, could understand how wonderful and what a huge Blessing this is..

True Friends
My friends are very special to me; they are a part of my family.  I would do anything to help any one of them.  To see them happy and successful truly brings me joy.  When they hurt, I hurt and when they are happy, I am to. My friends have taught me to see myself more clearly, they've brought me closer to God, they are not ashamed of me nor do they judge or hurt me. They are true to me and I am true to them.

Work
I've been with the same company for over 25 years.  I am so grateful for my job and the people I work with.  The past few years have been extremely difficult for the company.  Many had to pull together to get through some tough times but we did it!!  What an amazing boss, team of co-workers and a Board of Directors  we have; who worked diligently and came through on all that was promised. 

My Doctors
I adore and trust the doctor I have treating my MS.  He is great and I would recommend him in a heart beat.  He takes so much time with me and explains everything and then some (I would be even more thankful if only he called me with my MRI results).  I have a great chiropractor who has practically eliminated the pain I've been in.  For months the pain mentally tortured me and I allowed it to hold me back from pushing myself and reaching goals.

Lifes Lessons
A necessity I can do without. At what age will I stop learning?  I am that person who says, "if I had to do it all over again, I would do it differently." 

I never imagined all the hard work I've done over the past few years would come undone and I would have to rebuild. I learned to open up, trust, try and take risks and it all seemed to back fire on me. It's sad that this happens and it's something I want to teach my boys so they don't experience the hurt that goes with it.  I'm afraid thats not something I can do, it's so hard to teach something that needs to be learned through their own experience.  I am only thankful for these lesson so I can  share them with others who may be able to learn from my mistakes and I pray they don't experience the pain I have.

I am thankful for all of the people in my life who love me for who I am, not for what they want me to be, who believe in me when I stop believing in myself, who recognize my true intentions and don't judge me based on perceptions.  I will never be able to express how thankful I am to all of you.

“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.”   ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Brrr...feels like the Fall has finally arrived.  I am freezing!  Lots of prayers have been said over the last 2 days for family, friends, and strangers who were affected by hurricane Sandy.  It's heartbreaking to me to see the devastation on TV, I can't imagine how those who are there are feeling.

It's Sale week at Quoizel!  Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of this week we have our big warehouse sale.  It is a BLAST!  Our employees have been working on this for months!  The time leading up to this is stressful for many...so look forward to the end of it, but me...I love it!  It's great to have the public come into our warehouse and shop like crazy for lamps.  It's fun to watch our shoppers come in and start shopping like crazy.  I definitely comparable to Black Friday.

My diet has been off this past weekend.  Because of all of the performances Joe had to do  my prep and planning was way off.  He normally does a Friday and Saturday show...this time he did over 10.  This is not something we are used to at all. We were eating out too much.  It always feels good to get back on track...except when I have to workout.  Today's workout was not pretty.  It was a good workout and I was sort of excited to do it...it seemed simple enough but my gosh was it tough for me today.  My excuses for not doing well today:

• Did not sleep well at all last night
• Was nauseous during the workout
• Kind of lite headed
• was worried sick about my family and very distracted
• barely drank any water before hand
• Ate too close to the workout
• It was chilly.

The one thing that got me more than anything else was that I became winded so quickly and I felt a heaviness on my chest.  I thought it was odd, I was wondering if it had something to do with the cold air.  Well. that's it for my excuses.  What kills me is that I should have been able to complete this workout so I am going to jot it down and try it again within the next couple of weeks.

I feel a little bit better this evening.  I'm hoping I sleep well tonight and will feel like a new person in the morning.  We have a busy week and weekend ahead, I can't get sick and I feel something coming on.
That's all I have for now...Still praying for many!

Praying for so many...

Today brought yet another production of Joe's to a close.  The Hobbit has been a wonderful experience for him yet very exhausting for him as well as my husband and I.  He was wonderful!  He played his role well.  It was the first part he played were there was no singing and/or dancing AND he had a ton of lines to learn.  He mastered that part...so much so that in addition to his part, he was the understudy for the lead and was helping others with their lines and even reciting other's lines when they were missed. 

The producer of the production spoke to him afterwards and told him how much she enjoyed working with him.  She said he has a wonderful mind and she loves how he thinks outside of the box; he sees the big picture.  She told him she only knows of a handful of adults who can do that and he was the first child she worked with who had that ability.  I stood there with tears in my eyes as she told him.  What an amazing compliment to hear!  We are beyond proud of him.

This may be something to be prematurely excited about, but I am excited about it non the less.  I had my 6 month check up with my neurologist this past week.  It went very well.  He spent lots of time asking questions and examining me.  In a somewhat surprising voice he said, "you are doing very well, aren't you?"  I agreed.  He then said, "it looks like you are part of the 5% of MS patients who do very well without medication."  I agreed with that to.  Of course the true test will be the MRI I will be going for in another week; but for now, that was the best thing I could hear him say.

I can honestly say, that since this silly roller coaster ride began just over a year ago, that was the best, least stressful appointment with any doctor I've had.  I feel as though I have accepted whatever it is I need to about this and have moved forward.  I'm not worrying about what the future holds for me.  When it comes to this, I am taking it a day at a time...and it feel pretty great to!

We have another crazy week ahead of us.  The company we work for is having a HUGE warehouse sale.  It will be hectic but it is always a blast!  It's exhausting but so much fun!  Its not often at all that we all get to interact with the public.  Everyone is doing something different than what they usually do...I am really looking forward to this coming weekend!

My anxiety is building up over this hurricane that is headed towards so many people that I know, love and care very much for. I have so many people in my prayers tonight.  Not knowing exactly what this storm has in store for wherever it hits is frightening to me and I'm no where near where it's headed...I can't imagine how those who are expecting it must feel.  However, everyone I've spoken to seem very positive that it wont be bad and they are just expecting a little bit of rain haha...I'm not sure if they are trying to make me feel better about the situation or if their northern stubbornness has made them delusional.

Please everyone, include all family members, friends, and strangers to whom Hurricane Sandy poses a threat to.  The media is making this storm sound so terrifying.

Psalm 121:7-8

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

Another show week...Let the Craziness BEGIN!

Joe will be performing in The Hobbit this week.  We are very excited for 2 reasons.  First, we are so excited to see him perform.  He has been working so hard!  Second, we are looking forward for this to come to a close.  Although this experience for him has been awesome, he (and we) have learned lots.  We learned how time consuming something like this can be and how it can effect our entire family.  Most importantly, we noticed how worn out Joe became and how his grades were affected.

Tonight is the first dress rehearsal.  Here's a picture of him in his hat.  The hat, braids. and beard are all one piece.  We are so grateful to all of our friends who have purchased tickets and who considered coming.  What an amazing support group we are surrounded by.  God has certainly blessed us with so many great people!

Our weekend was busy; so much was done and we feel so good about that.  I don't know what I would do with out my husband.  He is undoubtedly our family's backbone.  He is a tremendous supporter of our boys and myself.  He did so many things this weekend after such a tough week at work.  This week will be even more crazy with the show and preparing for a HUGE factory sale at work.  I get this amazing feeling when I see the passion he has for our boys and for his job.  He takes so much pride in both these things.  All women should be as blessed as I am.

I'm very excited about a new project that I am working on with some friends.  I'm not going to say to much about it now since there is still much to do and sort out.  But the good news is, is that there are interested parties, a day of the week has been selected, and we all have common goals...we are now working on subject matter and a venue.  If everything falls into place we will have a great success story to share.

Diet and exercise this weekend...not bad on the food, could always be better on the weekends but got right back on track today.  Workouts were pretty fun actually.  Doing a couple alone during the week which is working out better then I expected.. There is a new program I am participating in where the trainer meets with a group once a month to do a workout and teach new exercises.  Then each week he emails us 4 workouts.  Once each member of the group emails him their workout results for the week he forwards the workouts for the net week.  Its done on a monthly basis.  We are now nearing the end of the first month and those who are wanting to try it for another month are meeting Monday.  I'm just throwing some things around in my crazy little mind before I commit to another month.

Time to watch the Presidential debate.  My 10 year old asked if he could watch it with me, I reluctantly agreed to it.  It should be interesting to hear what my child has to say...it always is haha.

Finally!

After a failed workout yesterday I am excited to say that today was so much better. I walked away from it feeling proud! My time wasn't amazing but I finished first. I stayed focused, I tried to transition quickly, and I didn't talk during the workout. Yay for me! I think it's now time to to work on my push-ups, which have been very girlesque since I hurt my back last year. I really needed this to boost my confidence, especially after yesterday.

For the past 3 years I have been such an advocate for this journey I've been on, our program at work, and the trainer I worked with.  Since my mind has been changed some things have been very difficult for me to deal with when it comes to everything that has to do with this.  I had such a strong belief that becoming more involved in this was something I could do and I thought these things were coming from God, directly to me...there seemed to be so many signs that had me pointed in this direction and it was beyond exciting for me.  After all is said and done, it is clear that I was way off base.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that really couldn't be Gods will after seeing how it all turned out.  Now I am going through this acceptance process haha.

But what I do see and what means so much to me is how the participants in our bootcamp at work have stepped up to be the motivators, cheerleaders, etc.  I was always afraid this program would die down for whatever reason but it is still going strong.  I feel confident that when the trainer is gone, we will be able to find another, if I step away from this, there will be others to jump right in to organize and keep it on track.  I've realized that I'm not important to the program, the trainer isn't all that important, it's the participants that are most important and as time goes by everyone is becoming more confident and independent, and extremely supportive of each other.  Now after almost 4 years of this wild roller coaster ride as I sit here today with a horrible amount of weight gain and disappointment, I can honestly say that it is so rewarding to me to see how our program at work has affected people.  That is the success story here; out of all that I experienced, it was that program that was meant to be the success and those who were participating in it that were meant to benefit most. 

Well it looks like someone got into our bank account. We were slammed with 10 overdraft charges and received a letter from the bank that our account number somehow got our. Lovely. I'm not stressing I'll just visit the bank tomorrow and see what needs to be done. Blah...what a way to start the weekend.  But to my surprise, I am not freaking out.

Headed back to the doctor today for a follow up on this lump on my breast.  One look and he decided it needed to come out.  When I first saw him he said it would just be a minor procedure...looks like that has changed.  It will end up being about a 2 1/2-3" incision and stitches...BOOO(B)!  Then they will send it out for a biopsy which I think is just the routine thing to do. This doctor of mine is a trip.  He just makes me laugh.  While I'm lying on the table, he's trying to explain the procedure.  He then says, "wait, let me just draw it out for you" then proceeds to draw on my boob...crazy man that he is haha.

Well in addition to a good workout the diet was great again today.  I weighed at the doctor and my weight is the same which is OK with me.  I'm not getting weigh crazy I just want to make sure it doesn't go up.  I lost sight of it for a while, I can't let that happen again. 

Well today nearly did me in.  My morning started off with a broken back door, lots of frustration, and a stubborn dog.  After that things seemed to settle down until....dunn dunn dunn dunnnnn...I had to workout.  I was so excited about yesterdays workout and today's was grooling.  That's not the worst part.  The worst part is that I am struggling with doing well.  My breathing was horrible, I couldn't move fast enough...epic fail as my sons would say haha. 

I'm doubting Wednesday workouts, I;m not so sure they're for me anymore.  Wednesday is an hour of intensity.  Tuesday/Thursday is 30 minutes.  That extra 30 minutes is a killer. My back was in pretty bad shape today.  It felt ok until we had to do burpees; it was a mess after that.  I tried though, I really did. I did some reps then tried to walk off or stretch away the pain but the run at the end aggravated it more.

The way things turned out with working out has just torn me apart (littlebit of drama there).  I never ever thought I would feel so heartbroken over exercise.  It almost sounds ridiculous but it's true.  This has got to me the most frustrating thing I have ever gone through.  To know I had the ability to do something a year ago and to see how much I regressed in 12 months is disgusting.

I am working on not beating myself up about this, in fact, I haven't in a while.  But for some reason today it all kind of hit me again.  When ever one of my co-worker-outers (new word) told me I was doing great it just got to me.  I want to hear that, but I just don't see it because I am comparing myself to where I was over a year ago.  I wish I could understand why this crap is even popping up again...like I said its been a while since I've felt this way.

Ugh...anyway...I just want to not care about this.  I'm trying but it's not working.  It's clear to me that when you don't care you don't hurt but then it still hurts while going through that darn I don't want to care process (got all that).  I don't know how some people do it so easily...I wish I could.

A Good Work Out Just Chokes Me Up...

It has been such a fun day so far!  One or 2 speed bumps through out but nothing too tragic.
I was very excited to sell something else today.  Not only is it great to bring in some extra money but I am meeting few new people who seem to be having as much fun as I am.  I have another sale pending now...this is real fun and I am really looking forward to see what else I can do. 

Diet was perfect today and I really enjoyed our workout today.  My favortist thing to do in a workout is use the bars.  It really just make me happy.  Since I hurt my back last year I haven't used the bar much and when I did I struggled with it; lots of lower back pain was always the result.  Yes, it went away (thank God) but it just frustrating none the less.  Today I ran into the same problem even though I know the pain will go away with in a day I tense up with fear that I will screw up my form and hurt my back again.  We had to alternate lifting and running.  I felt the pain mostly when running.  My running form stinks and that makes things worse.  Regardless of the pain and the running I really enjoyed it...I haven't felt this good about a workout in a little while.  The best part about all this, we did abs which alleviated the lower back pain.

Immediately after the workout I had to leave.  I had to meet a mom and give her the Hess truck she was purchasing.  I literally walked from the workout, to my desk, grabbed my keys and left the building. While I was getting in the car I started this horrible coughing fit.  I couldn't stop!  There was this nasty drainage just running down my throat.  So before I arrived for our meet I tried chewing on some gum...it didn't help.  I met with the mom and left within 1 minute.  I was only away from work for about 5 minutes.  At one point when I was coughing I took a deep breath in and my gum slammed against the back of my throat and got stuck for a second...I thought I was gonna die for that split second.  Just one of those stupid things that happen I guess haha.  Clearly I lived through this terrible ordeal.

Well it's off to the doctor on Thursday to, more than likely, have a minor procedure.  I had this cyst thing that busted during a workout and was infected for weeks.  He said that if it didn't go away he would have to remove it...well its still there...fun fun.  I am not looking forward to this, at all.

We shall see what tomorrow brings...life is settling down, things are good.

Monday, Monday...I'm grateful it's coming to an end.  It was a good day for the most part; I'm just over tired from a semi-stressful day and lack of sleep last night. 

I'm excited about something new I was introduced to.  It's a page on Facebook where local moms post pictures of items hey are selling, in search of, questions they may have, etc.  I posted a few things; one being my son's bike that we tried to sell in on our neighborhoods website, at a garage sale, and on Craigslist; we had no luck.  I posted on this Facebook page and it sold within 30 minutes!  I was so excited; we met earlier today to exchange the bike for some much needed cash.  We decided to put our Hess Trucks on there to.  I sold 7 within a few hours!  Its fun and pretty darn exciting and this is part of the reason why I lost sleep last night haha apparently moms are selling and buying once the husbands are snoring away. 

During the past month we have been consolidating, cleaning things out, and getting rid of things.  Between this page, the garage sale, and some jewelry we got rid of we've made over $3300 and put it all towards stuff we are paying off, including all the Christmas gifts we had on layaway.  Now that's exciting!  We are slowly but surely crawling out of a hole this crazy economy and our money management skills (or lack there of) has gotten us into.  It feels great to be headed in the right direction. 

Diet and exercise is going pretty well.  I didn't weigh this past Friday.  I don't want to get into the habit of over weighing.  I'll weigh every 3-4 weeks to ensure I don't get sidetracked again.  Since I started this just about 3 1/2 weeks ago I am down 12lbs...not to bad.

I have a strong sense that more change is coming my way.  Unpredictable change puts stress on me big time.  What I'm sensing may not be good at all.  I'm going to do my best to stay focused and not let this get the best of me.  In the mean time, while decisions are being made I am going to sit tight and pray that any effects we experience will be positive for our family.

The next couple of weeks are chock full of doctors appointments and follow up test...yippee!  I will say this, I am looking forward to my appointment with my neurologist.  He's a pretty funny guy.  He has a great way of explaining things to me.  I think its a little silly that he's sending me for a follow up MRI AFTER my appointment next week but what do I know anyway.  The great thing is, I am not stressing over the upcoming test, appointments, etc.  For the last year, whenever I was waiting on test results, doctors appointment, and anything else related to this silly diagnosis I would literally make myself sick with worry, my eating was out of control at times, and my focus was gone.  I can't live like this anymore; not when I will be going through these follow ups every 6 months or so; I'll never accomplish the things I want to if I don't change completely.

I have lots of prayers for many friends, family, and others.  Seems like everyone is going through something.  I know with the holidays being just around the corner things seem to be worse.  Because I feel strongly that my purpose on this earth is to help and/or serve others I've tried hard, too hard at times, to help many.  Many times there was success, other times it was an epic fail but no matter what the outcome was, there was a tremendous amount of stress placed on me, by me.  I'm taking a step back from my own need to help and serve others to alleviate the stress I cause myself.  I am tired, I need a break and I'm hoping that once things settle I will be able to help others with a clear head and no stress like I have prior to the past year.

I'm looking forward to changes I'll be making and I will do my best to embrace any changes that others will be making.  I have a feeling this year is going to end with a "BANG".

OUCH!

Hurting, HuRtInG, HURTING!  What a week of workouts its been...I picked a fine time to return.  Not complaining here...the pain is all good AND it is the good ole soreness I used to experience.  Not the painful soreness that has seemed to linger for days.

Before working on Abs we had to do 100 squat pressed for time.  Squat presses, yup, easy you think, NOPE!  The trainer makes sure we get low; we have to squat to a ball, so there are no short trips down.  weight, 15lb dumbbells...ouch!  10's would be nice and they would have certainly came in handy to get done faster.  The worst part...I am sitting for long periods of time after this and my quads are tightening up.  When I stand, at first, I can barely move my legs...it takes about 20 steps before I begin to walk normal haha...its quite a sight I'm sure.

I feel pretty good again, sort of renewed.  My time away has done me good.  My perspective, my purpose, and expectations of myself have changed.  I've made a choice to do a few things differently and as hard as it is for me, its the way I need to be.  The crazy thing is, no one will notice or probably even care for that matter.  It's all about needs and wants.  What I thought I wanted/needed, I really don't.  Feeling this way will make it easier in the long run or even short run for that matter...which ever comes first.

Time to start taking life one day and, more importantly, one meal at a time.

Ever feel like when you get your hair did life seems to settle?

Today was a pretty good day.  I felt preoccupied by something, not sure what it was though.  I was looking forward to our workout today.  It was a tough on; we were dragging and flipping tires and doing burpees.  Love tire flips but the burpees and dragging the tires were not my favorite thing. 

I was able to get through the workout.  For a while, I didn't think I would haha.  My legs were burning, I felt sick to my stomach, and I was pretty winded.  It's pretty tough for me to finish last, whenever I think about it I try to block it out of my head.  It's working for the most part.  Again, today I tried to stay focused on what had to be done.  It was hard to stay focused near the end. for sure.  During our second rest break I sat on the lawn and tears just started flowing.  I am constantly wiping sweat off my face with my shirt so I just sat there and let my shirt absorb my tears.  Got away with it to haha no one noticed.

I'm not sure what happened to me...not sure if the tears started because I was exhausted or because I feel every ounce of weight I put on.  One thing I do feel good about, that is helping me in a few different ways, is the chiropractor I'm seeing.  The adjustments and all the stretching he is doing on me is keeping soreness, aches, and pains down to a minimum.  I know after this weeks workouts I am going to need it soon...more than ever.  Right now, my quads are hurting...its the good hurt so I am so thankful for that.

Diets been going pretty good.  I was so hungry when I met a great group of ladies at Chickfila so I grabbed a chicken salad sandwich and some fries.  I only ate half the sandwich and "twisted" someone elses arm to eat my fries.  I've been satisfied with smaller portions lately.  Believe or not this is a big deal for me haha.

Was just  on Facebook catching up with someone I haven't talked to in a while.  Will be doing the same with someone else on Friday.  I hate separation from good people but its great to be able to catch up on life.  Its even better when you can share lots of positive things with each other.

Things are definitely settling in different areas of my life.  Got my hair done on Sunday, I felt so good after that.  Its been a while since I felt that way about me.  I like this feeling...I need to keep it.

First day back to trainer led workouts...I think I may have just done alright.  I felt pretty good throughout the workout, no pain, a bit winded, but thats about it.  My reps were pretty average, I did better than I expected.  My squat, I thought, were pretty low.  Now what I think and what the trainer actually sees is two different things haha but I think all that stretching has done me good.  My lower back is a bit sore but not a big deal, thats a pretty easy fix. 

I did my best to stay focused; I was able to keep my mind off the things that had me sidetracked in the first place.  I believe my timing to return was good.  I'm even looking forward to tomorrows workout.

Lots of things have changed...almost my entire way of looking at this journey.  It's truly bittersweet but it's what I believe is best for me right now.

Feeling a bit anxious about working out tomorrow.  It's been a few weeks now but I am most concerned about my left shoulder. It seems to e in pretty bad shape. It seems to have really tightened up over the weekend.  Lifting it and moving it forward it so painful.  For most of yesterday and today I felt sick to my stomach every time I felt the pain.

I took pain meds yesterday and it didn't even help.  The only thing that did was give me "medicine head" all day today. I was definitely half out of it today.  The more I move it and stretch it the more it loosens it and its slowly beginning to feel better.  I'm hoping it doesn't tighten up too much while I sleep.

So, we will see how things go tomorrow with my first trainer led group workout in a few weeks...should be fun, and pretty tough.

It has been a busy busy weekend.  Saturday morning was full of garage sale success, afternoon rehearsal out in Summerville, and movie and dinner with friends to end the day.  Sunday has also been busy; I woke up late, had to get my hair done.  2 of our 3 boys had to meet friends to work on school projects so we were picking up an dropping off, food shopping, laundry....all that fun stuff.

My shoulder has been in some pretty bad pain all day.  It was sore Saturday but when I woke up this morning it was 100 times worse.  I have an appointment tomorrow morning with the chiropractor, I'm hoping it will be able to bring some relief to it.  The pain is so bad that its making me feel nauseous.  I even took pain killers but nothing is helping at this point.

I'm feeling pretty sore from workouts this weekend.  I haven't felt this way in a while...for the most part it feels pretty good.  I'm looking forward to getting back into group workouts this coming week.  I'm praying that everything goes well.  I miss everyone and my routine.

Weighed in on Friday...there was no loss but no big deal.  I wasn't all that disappointed; I won't let things like this get to me.  Planning to work hard this week between my eating and workouts so I will see good results next week.

Making decisions...not really my thing

It's the end of the week...Yay!  I am so excited.  This week has been exhausting.  The most exhausting thing we are dealing with right now is a play my son is in.  He has practice 4 times a week now...MY GOODNESS this is crazy.  The theatre, although it is not too far from our home it's not very close either.

I felt horrible this evening.  I needed to take Joe to rehearsal since my husband had a kickball game.  They made it to the semi finals, which is pretty exciting.  If they won their first game they would play in the championship game the same night.  There was a part of me that wanted him to win really bad; but that selfish side of me was not disappointed that they lost.  I just didn't want to drive out to the theatre again and I really would like to just spend some time relaxing with my husband, who is just as tired, if not more than I am.  He is a great guy; while I was gone he started laundry, did dishes, and fed the kids.  I am beyond blessed to have that man.

Since I stopped working out we've been having lunch together everyday haha I know he is ready for a break from me.  He has been so patient the entire time I've been going through this decision making process.  Yesterday I went out with a friend for lunch; I thought he would be disappointed that we weren't going to be together.  NOPE, he just smiled and said darn haha. 

I made a decision about working out.  I was so undecided that I decided to make a decision so I could see how I felt about it.  At first, I decided to stop. I was so upset with that decision.  Once I realized how upset I was I decided to change my mind.  I was reluctantly excited about it.  Definitely a different feeling from my previous decision.  In order to feel "excited" and not "reluctantly excited", I decided I just needed to let our trainer know; so I did.  I felt so much better after I told him.  At this time, I feel like I made the right decision.

Now my plan, next week when I begin (again), is to focus, focus, focus on the workout, on my form, and really try to push myself.  I need to be serious...gosh that's so tough for me...but I can do it!  I'm going there to workout and that's it.  That's all that matters, right? RIGHT!  Okay so I'll have fun to but I can still push myself at the same time.

Tomorrow is weigh in day.  YIPPEE! (sarcasm)  Not sure how well I did.  We were out and about this week and ate out a few times but I made pretty good choices, watch my portions, had leftovers, all that fun stuff.  After losing almost 10lbs in that past 2 weeks I expect my weight loss to drop to 2-3lbs a week for a little while.  So, we will see what the scale barks out at me tomorrow.  Until then...

Anxiety....WOOF!  Its been coming on strong today.  Yup this is something I do to myself.  It seems to happen when the workouts are going on at work and I'm not in it.  Yup, another thing I'm doing myself, just still unsure if it is the right or wrong thing to do (which is probably where the anxiety coming from)

On one hand, I am making progress and proving to myself that I can do this on my own and that was one reason, the main reason, why I felt I needed to do breakaway for a little while.  I feel so good about this...I really do.  Every time I think about it I smile. I also set a goal to do this for 6 weeks or drop 20 lbs. whichever comes first and neither has come yet.  So, am I just growing inpatient with myself, am I afraid that I'll fall apart before I reach a goal as I usually do?  I am so confused about this I feel like there is such a void in my life right now.

I've even thought of just stopping all together; I don't want this thought to cross my mind but it has been.  Why is this even happening? This is extremely frustrating for me. I cant figure this out. I've been praying and looking for answers about what to do and how to do it.  This journey has always been so great but now it seems to be falling apart.  I can't tell if I'm holding on to something that needs to end or if I'm walking away from it.  I'm torn between what I want/need and what I think I have to do.

Until I find peace with this, I will keep praying, I will hang on to this confidence that is beginning to flourish again, and keep shooting for my 20lb or 6 week goal.

Well, my first fast of the month will be complete at noon tomorrow.  I did real well!  It feels pretty good if I do say so myself.  I told my husband after our last meal to please remind me not eat the rest of the night haha it wouldn't surprise me if I forgot to not eat.

The weekend went fairly well.  Its always a struggle but we were busy this weekend, out and about A LOT and did eat out.  I watch my portions and made good choices.  I feel pretty good about this to.

We have been very busy working on consolidating things around the house, having a garage sale this coming weekend, sold a bunch of stuff this past weekend, looking to put things on EBay and/or Craigslist.  I cant believe how much stuff we've accumulated over the years that we don't need haha.  Its crazy and oh so exhausting.  Keeping busy is good for me, however, it can easily throw me off since it can interfere with planning and preparation.

I had to miss my appointment with the chiropractor today...hated to do that.  I really could have used it today; just a little bit sore from Fridays workout.  Anyway...this is such a bad, uninteresting post, even to me.  I am totally distracted by my fantasy football team right now.  I just need 6 more point and I am
4-0...gotta love first place!

Looks like I'll be praying for some more strength and wisdom. Great message but I didn't hear what I wanted to. Such as life :).

To Be Continued....

Getting ready for Sunday morning service and very anxious to hear what's next in the series, "Rebuilding".  Since I feel something has been left unresolved, I need to know what to do next to move forward. I'm afraid of what I might hear today.  I'm completely putting this in God's hands and praying that I hear what is said clearly.  I am sure that He does not want me feeling the way I do about some things.

Weigh in day!  I hate weighing myself; the anxiety I build up is ridiculous. I usually do it first thing when I get to work, the company scale is in my office, but this morning I had an appointment with my chiropractor and another crucial matter to deal with first, therefore my anxious moments were extended.

Ah, the chiropractor...heaven.  I have grown accustomed to being sore; so much so that when I am not I actually miss it.  I use my soreness as sort of a benchmark so I could determine how tough my workouts were and/or if I did it the way I should have,  For the most part I know how sore and where the soreness should be after most workouts.  With no intense workouts the last 2 weeks I've been sore less and painless. When he was working on me today, I was surprised  that I felt so much of that "good" pain while he was stretching me.  He is awesome; he starts with my feet and ends up at my head.  He worked on me for almost an hour again. I would have to say, that out of the chiropractors I've seen in the last 12 months (a total of 4) he is by far the best. You all just need to go see him!

Got my first intense workout in today at work.  A group of co-workers have been meeting on Fridays during lunch.  One of my favorite things about this wellness program at work is that people will do things, like this, even when the trainer isn't around.  In addition to that, there are people who don't work out with the trainer that participate to.  Reyna, who leads the workout, has been working out and doing crossfit type stuff for a few years now.  I was so excited to see what she was going to throw together.  THEN I noticed she was reading a workout from her phone that the trainer sent haha.  It was pretty funny.  Anyway, she is one of the 2 or 3 best motivators we have right now.  Our workout today was 200 jump ropes, 50 superman's, 50 sit ups, 160 jump ropes. 40 Superman's, 40 sit ups, 120 jump ropes, 30 superman's, 30 sit ups, then 80,20,20 then 40,10,10.  I thought I was going to DROP DEAD but I finished and I wasn't even last.  It felt pretty good to be out there with the group again.  The jump ropes we used today are brand spank'n new.  They are made of a coated cable and even have ball bearings. They even needed to be cut to size, they are pretty awesome...yup and they hurt like a mother and leave marks!  I was pretty excited to use them.

Immediately following the workout I headed back to my desk and sat down.  I was a MESS,  My breathing and my chest felt heavy.  I was saturated, dripping with sweat and my face was the reddest I've ever seen it. Within a minute of plopping myself into my chair and leaning back to die one of our VP's walked in, he stops and looks at me with this face like someone stole his Butterfinger and says, "I hate to even ask you this...But can you tell me where Kelly's BBQ is?"  I just laughed and said, "C'mon I'll show you" but couldn't budge so I just gave him directions.  Kelly's has a great all you can eat buffet...YUM!

My eating was spot on again today.  The entire week has been pretty great.  I feel so much better...no surprise there.  I'm sure if anyone goes through my entire blog they will find the same stuff over and over again.  The only method of diet I'm consistent with is the "stop & go" method.  It's so frustrating. Maybe once I get through the next 5 or 6 weeks I'll be able to maintain consistency or, at the very least, be able to get a grip on my emotions and prevent binging.

That's it for me for the week...happy weekend everyone and enjoy!

Oh, by the way...I lost a total of 9.5 lbs in the past 11 days...happiness!

Within Reach

It's been a busy, emotionally draining day.  At least 4 people came into my office and shut my door to talk.  There's nothing I love more about my job then when an employee feels comfortable enough to come to me and share what they are going through.  Helping them and guiding them through things is such a great reward.  I truly love the way God has me serving people; I really believe that just may be my purpose in this life.

Yesterday my little trainer said we are going swimming for tonight's workout.   He said to me, just like this, "so Maria, how much time can I have with you tomorrow?"  me:  "30 minutes"  Justin: "Great!  We will warm up on the way to the pool and go swimming."  Me: "sounds good."  Turns out he forgot what he said (PHEW!) so we did some other things, one of them being sit ups while he put pressure on my stomach to make it difficult for me to sit up...it was harder then I thought it would be haha.

Since I've been pretty much pain free a good part of this week tomorrow I am going to work out at lunch with my co-workers.  I'm going to  a  chiropractor in the morning so I should be well prepared to handle whatever we are doing. 

This will be my second appointment with this new chiropractor I'm seeing since I came up with this game plan for myself.  I started with him this past Monday. He worked on me for almost an hour.I felt so much better after leaving his office.  My hope is to see him 1-2 times a week until I feel I am in a good place.  I'll probably need him even more when I go back to working with the trainer.  I'm okay with how I've done with my eating the last 2 weeks but disappointed that I haven't gotten in any challenging workouts.

I've decided to add an 18 hour fast to my diet for the month of October.  Aside from other benefits,  doing such a fast really gave my confidence a good boost simply because it was an accomplishment.  It also plays a part, in me becoming more disciplined. I'm focusing on going back to the basics.  The basics being whatever I did, felt, thought when I was consistent and successful. 

That point still seems pretty distant to me but not out of reach.  I was always in such a rush to succeed; I would stress myself out and bring myself down with the fear that things would change before I succeeded.  Now, almost 4 years later, the fear I had is reality, there's nothing to lose, so there's no reason to rush. As I do this I pray that there is patience with myself,more stability and less stress this time around. 

Rebuilding Snafu...

I was pretty excited about the new series they are doing at church...Rebuilding.  This is perfect for me.  I am in the process of "rebuilding" myself for the first time, on my own...perfect timing.  I listened to the message; it was loud and clear.  Basically, you can't rebuild until you confront any outstanding concerns, issues, whatever you want to call it.  How hard could this be?  Shouldn't be too bad.  There are a couple of things I needed to resolve, for myself, to really get into this process.

For me, confrontation is never easy...conversations for that matter can be difficult at times.  I thought about my situation, what I needed to confront and came up with a couple of things that I would need to approach; mostly within myself.  Confrontation, with myself, can even be a chore since I am a big over thinker, I wonder if some of that maybe that I lack confidence and some ability to believe in myself.  So I sorted those things out and, I think, I have done pretty well with them over the last couple of days.  Easy enough, right? Sure, until there is someone else in the situation.

For the most part, I lived my life hiding my own feelings, opinions, thoughts because I have this fear of hurting others even though most have no issue with voicing their opinions to me and I usually don't mind hearing it.  For that I am grateful, except when people are being hateful.  For the few people who can tell me things in a constructive, positive way it has helped me to heal and grow.  I wanted to approach the  situation gently, make it as quick, painless, and positive as possible so I can move forward with my rebuilding plan.

Things did not go as I hoped they would. This is just another confirmation that things just don't go away; when they become contained sooner or later something triggers it and things become blown out of proportion.  I have realized now more then ever that being this way for so long does not help anything or anyone; it eventually makes things worse, harder to deal with, and/or can pretty much disrupt/ruin relationships.

So where do I go from here?  How do I fix this?  I'm at a loss.  I am just praying on it and hoping that next weeks message will be about "Rebuilding after Rebuilding Snafu". 

Moving forward, things are going well...a ton of stress today and not 1 problem with my eating.  Accomplishments are wonderful!

Really, is it only Tuesday?  I am spent!  TJ and I are so grateful that there is no running around tonight.  We are sitting on the back porch relaxing while the boys are reading.  It has been quite a day, good, for the most part still draining non the less.

Today at work we had 401k meetings; I was anticipating many, including myself, dozing off during the seminar.  I must say the information was pretty darn good and the speaker was very engaging.  We have another session tomorrow, I'm looking forward to it.  We had lots of great feedback on the speaker as well as the material presented.  I must admit, we have a pretty damn good HR department; things were well planned, organized, and executed very well...hope I just didn't jinx myself for tomorrow.

I was a bit frazzled for a good part of the day.  I had to get in my car and just go for a ride to unwind and clear my head.  I was starving at the time but managed to avoid stopping and eating anywhere.  Once I collected my thoughts I headed back to work and ate what I had prepared.  I hate being stressed but there is nothing more rewarding to me then being able to not give into my urge to eat when I'm frazzled, upset...whatever it is I just know that I feel good about it.

Had my first workout with my cute, adorable little trainer today.  First things first, he asked, "mom tell me what you ate today".  After that he took me into our garage (which is a minor disaster right now) and we started our workout.  We started with push ups then sit ups.  I had to cross my arms across my chest when doing the sit ups..let me tell you I could not believe how much harder just crossing my arms made those sit ups for me haha  I kind of felt silly.  After that we hit the rowing machine than lifted the bar.  He threw two 5lb weights on the bar, had me bring from the floor to my chest then overhead to hold for 20 seconds haha.  I did whatever he wanted me to do regardless.  Then to top it off he had me juggle with rags for and eye coordination...which I am apparently lacking in a big way.  Ahhh I just love that kid.

That's it for me, I have literally thrown in the towel de jour; I need to rest my tired head and work on blocking out whatever might pop in there that will keep me awake tonight. But before that, I need to prepare some meals for the next couple of days.  I just need to keep moving forward...

What a day!  I am so  glad to be home in bed.  It was a good day for the most part;  pretty emotional and sort of frightening at times but its all good.  It ended well to; we were out to dinner with a great group of ladies.  It was so nice to see them.  I have missed seeing them and working out with them, I just didn't realize how much I missed them until I saw them tonight.

The weekend went well.  My nephew was in town for a wedding.  It is always so great to see him.  He really liked it here...hopefully he will come to visit more often.

My first week on my own was definitely a success.  My eating was great during the week...absolutely perfect.  The weekend, I did cheat but it was planned.  My body feels better...it is probably 80% pain free.  I hated not working out last week but it was something I felt like I needed to do.  I'll start working out again this week.  We have a workout planned for Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.

Now that I feel good, I'm going to ease my way back into the more intense workouts.  The best way I know how to keep the pain levels low is to  stretch and roll.  I feel like I'm sort of starting over, again. 

Whatever the case is, no matter how many times I fail at this, even when I gain a ton of freak'n weight, I've been able to jump back on track.  This past year threw me completely, I really thought that was the end of this journey for me.  I really thought, for a while, that I would be back up to 325lbs. again sooner than later.  Eh, not any more.  I'm feeling better, more positive, a little bit more confidence.

Give me a D-E-F-E-N-S-I-V-E

Yup that was me today defensive and my poor husband walked right into the line of fire. It's really no way for either of us to start our day.  We had a disagreement very first thing in the morning.  He came to my office later on in the day and asked if we would be having lunch together and I said, "yes, I don't hate you enough not to have lunch with you" ha ha and smiled..I hate it when  get like that something tells me he does to.  I'm so grateful we are both able to get past disagreements very quickly.

So what was my problem anyway; I was having back spasms while I was driving to work.  I was pretty baffled, I had no idea why that was happening and why it had to be so darn painful.  The spasms eventually stopped which caused my attitude to subside.

I'm also dealing with an infection from darn cyst that broke a couple of weeks ago while doing burpees, of all things haha.  The doctor wants it to stay open so I can keep it clean but it keeps closing so I have to open it up again...it's just silly at this point.  If it doesn't clear up in another week or two I'll have to go back to the doctor so he can remove it...fun fun fun.

Although it was a somewhat painful day it all turned out well as it always does.  I rushed home to get the house straightened because my nephew is coming to spend the night. He is in town for a wedding.  I am so excited!  He'll stay with us tonight then head to his hotel in the morning.  He'll spend Sunday with us before he heads back to Florida.  He is out for a while now with my husband; they are at a kickball game then heading to the airport to pick up a friend.  I think the cure for the case of my blah's today was to be at home with my family.

I was able to maintain my emotions and my eating today regardless of the pain and my mood.  Therefore it was a very SUCCESSFUL day!

Still going pretty strong today.  I had anxiety again today during the time I would usually workout..I'm accepting this as a positive feeling though; I miss it and that's a good thing.  I don't have this feeling of "I'm so glad I don't have to workout today."  I needed to go out to the workout to speak to our trainer; we ordered new jump ropes that came in today; before we cut them to size I wanted to get his approval.  When I opened the box with the jump ropes I was thrilled; it felt like Christmas.  Then I thought hmmm it will be a while before I can use these; 2nd thought was, eh I'll just take one home to use when I do my workouts this weekend then return it for the group workouts during the week.  I was debating whether or not I should interrupt the workout to show our trainer the jump ropes.  I wasn't sure how I would feel walking outside.  Knowing how much I miss it after 2 days, I was afraid that I would break down and want to get right back into it...then I saw them working out with sandbags, that put an end to worrying that I might want to go back sooner then I planned ha ha (not really but...)

Eating is going REAL well. I'm simply applying everything I was taught over the past 4 years.  Today someone, from our group, asked me what kind of diet I was doing.  I was a little dumbfounded and thought why would I eat any other way then we've been taught since we started our Wellness Program.  My weight gain had nothing to do with the way of eating we were taught, it had everything to do with me and how I handled myself.

I set a weight loss goal/incentive for myself today.  I decided I will return to the group workouts when I lose 20 lbs or after 6 weeks, whichever comes first. Does it sound silly to you?  Probably so ha ha, but this is about me wanting something for myself, this is how I'm motivating me.  I am ready to become my own cheerleader!

Moving Right Along...

I have to say, it just blows my mind when I look at my blog stats to see how many people read it in the US and other countries ha ha...anyway...

Day 2 on my own is going well.  Today was the first workout I missed since I decided to make an attempt at gaining my independence.  It was tough...there was a definite void in my day.  The fact that I wasn't sweating and smelling myself while at my desk at 1PM was a pretty uncomfortable feeling.  My day was kind of dragging and my anxiety level was elevated mid afternoon.  I really missed it.  Crazy how you can grow so attached to something like exercise.

The nice thing is that I had lunch with my husband.  It's only 30 minutes of time spent with him, but its 30 minutes of just us catching up on things with no interruptions.  This is also a great way for me to keep my eating on track...although he did make it known to me that it is National Cheeseburger Day ha ha.  As long as we don't leave the building we are safe from the dangers of fast food and we will eat the lunch we packed from home.

I begged my husband to please help me get back on track.  I think it's hard for him at times to stop me from eating, especially when I'm upset or anxious. He knows food is my "drug", it's what comforts me.  I hope that I will soon be in a place that I can celebrate the little and big things in life, enjoy food and drink as we celebrate but do it when there are no emotional attachments to food involved...if that makes any sense. 

He and I grabbed a bite to eat out last night.  We purposely decided on a place that had good salads.  We did great with that simply because we had a plan and didn't stray from it.  I'm pretty proud of my first and second day so far; I also know the first few days are easy for me.  It's the weekend and getting through the 4th week I fear , which is when I usually fail my self. 

I'm keeping a food and exercise journal; I'm also making some other notes as to how I feel physically and emotionally.  One of my goals is to come up with a "distraction" for when I feel a binging episode coming on.  My initial idea was to just go in the garage and jump on the rowing machine and do sprints.  Love that thing!  I haven't been faced with the urge to binge yet...I'm praying it stays away from me.

My trainer posted a video last night that triggered some emotions.  I'm know he posted it for laughs only but I found more than just humour in it.  I laughed, then I went into over thinking mode because I was able to completely relate to everything the girl in the video said and what was said back to her.  What hit me pretty hard was when she said something about being bulimic and the guys response was "stop it!"  I wish eating disorders were that easy to stop.  Maybe some people can just stop at any given time, I don't know; I do know a few people who battle with eating disorders for life.  So I'm going to post it, because it is good for a laugh, and if you me, chances are you know how well I fit this ladies roll from being in therapy, bulimia, to feeling like people think I just need to "stop it" right down to all the excuses I would make.  This was a good video for me to see, it was sort of like an "out of body experience ha ha.  It turned out to be a pretty positive moment for me. Here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-Tej0297wk

I really enjoyed talking to Justin today about how my eating was today.  We discussed on our way home from his Karate program.  While I was cooking dinner this evening he came over and said, "alright let me see what you got cooking over there."  Ah that kid makes me smile; I just love how this kid loves me.

After only 2 days I have a good feeling about things simply because I started taking care of myself again.  I'm hoping I will be able to get rid of that worthless feeling I have and fix my broken spirit when it comes to exercise and nutrition.  I do believe I will succeed!.

Here I am again...

This is for you Jennifer...just because I was thinking it and you said it today :)

Here I am, back to square 1.  In the past 12 months I have lost focus, regressed in my workouts and gained weight.  It's been a tough year I have a lot of work to do on myself mentally and physically.  My biggest problem, I believe, was that I became too dependent on my support system, which has changed throughout the years, but has now diminished quite a bit.  Please don't take that as an excuse, its really not, its more of a realization.  So how do I fix this?  I have a plan, I'm not so sure it's the right thing to do or not, but I have officially started to work on myself with just the support of my boys for the next 4-6 weeks.  This may not seem like a big deal to anyone but for me it is.  I want to do this until I know I have the confidence to do this without anyone else.  Once I have gained this confidence I plan to go back to the group at work then I'm hoping to go back to my one on one training in January.

In the mean time, I have officially hired a "personal trainer" who will be paid in a video game every 2 months.  The deal is that he has to workout with me.  Yup, he can run the workouts, make them up, I can tweak them; it will be fun, frustrating, and tough all at the same time.  After the 1st official day he sat down and asked me what I ate.  I'm thinking together my sweet little 10 year old and I can support each other to reach our goals.

For the next few weeks I'll be seeing a chiropractor to help with all the tightness, pain, etc that I've been having daily in a addition to doing mobility stuff.  Pain has been one of the toughest things for me to deal with. Ya I can work through it, but its just a matter of time before it gets into my head and discourages me.

There is much to be done!  I am leary about being on my own...but here I go.  Praying things go well for the next few weeks. I really need to convince myself that I have some worth so I can stay on track and finish the damn journey once and for all.

There you go Jen...how was that haha. 

I am so proud of my boys!!  They are absolutely all that brings joy to me.  Joe had his final performance for the season this weekend.  It was great!  We have got some seriously talented, funny kids here in Charleston.  Justin had a huge accomplishment this weekend as well.  He took swimming lessons for 2 months and did well.  At the end of each class they practiced diving.  He struggled with it and never really got it; clearly he was to nervous.  Today we spent some time at the pool and our neighbor taught Justin how he learned to dive and Justin got it!!  It was a very exciting moment for him.

All weekend I’ve been throwing lots of things around in my head.  Not exactly what I needed since things were so chaotic…very fun…but extremely chaotic since it was Joe’s performance weekend.  I am still pretty hung up on getting back into therapy…why?  Well for one thing I had a conversation this past week that just help me to put so many things in perspective.  It was sort of a general conversation, not specific to any one thing, but it helped me.  It was simply encouraging and optimistic and fairly quick.  I walked away feeling pretty good, it stuck with me and it helped get me through the week.

Knowing that my therapy options are slim to none at this point I did some research online and found a website about overcoming binge eating that may be something to utilize temporarily.  I downloaded some “tips” they offer that seem to make sense.  Not all really apply to me but some of it does.  I think the key, for me, is to stop myself dead in my tracks and change directions…literally.  I feel like I need to run for cover when this is happening.  I’m just not sure what to do with myself when I do stop.  That’s what I need to pray and think about.  I have found that I was able to avoid binging by shopping HOWEVER binge shopping is something that I really cannot afford to get started haha…that could be even more of a disaster. 

I am carefully working on formulating a plan for myself that will hopefully work.  I need to be careful since putting too much pressure on me may break my focus.  It seems so ridiculous and it is very frustrating but I really believe I can fix this, I need to fix this, my life has some kind of purpose, I won’t be able to figure out what the purpose and move forward until my eating issues are under control.

For the most part the weekend was great… highs and lows…a few tears and lots of laughs but no complaints just many thanks to God for awesome people He has blessed me with.

Just sitting here waiting for my sweet little Thespian to come home from rehearsal. For some reason I feel sick to my stomach, on the verge of tears, and I have a lump in my throat.  There's a crazy mix of emotions running through me...its as if my past and present are colliding.

I'm not sure whats going on inside me right now...it's so odd.  Maybe it's the combination of great times, missing my family and friends from New York, comparing my old life to this life. regrets, confusion...and more confusion and wonder...wondering if this is the place I should really be in and what my purpose is here...sometimes I can't help but wonder if there is a purpose for me.

Yes...I am totalling PMSing and I apprently started at 530PM yesterday...once my hormones level out I will be fine...but for the time being I will embrace the way I feel and miss the ones I love but can't be around. 

I didn’t realize how exhausted I was until I had the chance to sneak in a nap for a couple of hours…it felt so good, even though I woke up tireder haha.  I received a text from TJ asking if I was awake yet when I responded that I was he told me he was out with the boys so we met and grabbed something at Outback.

I’m feeling a little bit better today emotionally.  I had a good conversation with my trainer and explained what I realized and why I was struggling.  It was a tough conversation for me to have but I knew I needed to have it in order to move forward.  I needed to tell him how much weight I gained since I was diagnosed then undiagnosed with MS.  When I went for my second opinion the doctor asked what I had planned to do about my weight.  I explained to him what I was doing for the last few years and how much weight I lost.  He responded with, “So you gained 30lbs. in the last 5 months?”  All of a sudden, at that point, it seemed like nothing mattered…not even the MS.  I knew I had put on some weight but had no idea that it was that much.

I’ve really been beating myself up since then.  I felt as though I couldn’t look some people in the eye.  I felt as though I was living a lie.  I was so disappointed to realize that I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was…I feel as though I was tested on all that I learned throughout this journey I’ve been on and I failed…big time.  There were lots of other thoughts, misconceptions, and emotions that I experienced regarding this since my second opinion and during the conversation last night…bottom line is I need to put this behind me and get it together. 

The one thing that neither my trainer nor I can understand is how I can go from one extreme to the other, so quickly, then have so much trouble with getting back on track.  I wish I could understand this so I could explain it to him and anyone else who has this same struggle.  Brent has taught me so well.  I KNOW everything I need to know to be a success.  I can preach it to others with confidence because I completely BELIEVE in him and what he has taught me

Thinking about all this today, I need to simply “do” what I know is best for me.  I need to believe in myself and use something other than food to distract me from my emotions.  I still have much to learn about the things I need to fix within me.   My priority now is to learn how to keep myself together at my weakest moments and not succumb to binging and if I fail my focus will immediately change to fighting with all I have to get right back on track and not degrade myself.

I need to apologize for being a disappointment, coming across as a hypocrite, and  for not completely living the lifestyle I believe in and try to convince other is truly the best. I need to just apologize to myself for abusing me mentally, emotionally, and physically by binging.

I really need to thank Brent and others around me for not giving up on me when I give up on myself, for believing in me when the only thing I do consistently is doubt myself, and for reminding me how far I’ve come physically, mentally, and emotionally since I started this.  I will never forget and I am most grateful for how far I’ve come spiritually…God and my family are truly the reasons why I have not become completely unglued at this point.

This may be yet another battle that I’ve lost…but I will not stop until I win this war I’m stuck in with myself.

So after an entire week of deciding not to do any workouts I’m wondering where that leaves me.  I know I feel like absolute crap.  I noticed a difference in the numbness of my leg…its worse.  I already knew my back would feel a little worse since workouts have always helped to make it feel better when I was hurting.  So my big plan seems to have backfired on me; so much for that.

I was planning to do yoga yesterday…I put on my workout clothes and mowed my legs for the big occasion but then our yoga lady had to cancel at the last minute…guess it just wasn’t meant to happen at all this week.

I think I’m going to give up, for the time being, on my search for a therapist.  I’m creating too much stress for myself with this one.  I even look into a couple of inpatient facility which actually sounded and looked pretty interesting.  Do I think I am that crazy that I need inpatient care…am I that bad again that I need it?  No, I’m not…I am just that desperate to bring this all to an end once and for all.

During this week I realized why I’m feeling the way I am, what has caused it, and what triggered it.  I know that if I just throw it all out on here I would feel better and be able to move forward.  Before I do, there is a conversation that needs to happen but I am such a coward I don’t know that I could even have it. 

This week has been so out of routine for me; I’ve been feeling so awkward.  I’ve been trying to get lots done while sorting things out in my overcrowded head.  My priority this week was to schedule some appointments and schedule I did.  I have more appointments scheduled then ever…right now 7 within the next 6 weeks.

I made a decision to get back into counseling.  I contacted a therapist I met with a few times just 2 years ago only for her to tell me that she is not accepting any patients at this time…BOO!  She was kind of enough to give me referrals to others in the area….3 of the 4 she gave me are not accepting patients at this time and the other said she could see me by the end of May.  I didn’t want to wait that long but heck I might as well schedule that appointment and hold things together on my own until then. I was relieved, excited and looking forward to seeing her.  I received an email from her regarding information I will need for my first appointment.  Within the email she told me that the first 2 meetings are $205 each then $150 each thereafter.  Shame on me for assuming she would take my insurance…bummer <sigh> I am so disappointed; just wanted to cry.  I’m really at a loss now.

Moving forward…I finally heard back from the Neurologist who I am now seeing.  He wants to re-test to ensure his “undiagnosis” of my MS is accurate.  We have scheduled an MRI for the 2nd week in May and a Lumbar Puncture for the 3rd week in May then an appointment to hear the results the first week of June.  I’m praying he doesn’t change his mind haha…this has been such a tense, drawn out process for me.  I will be SO happy when it comes to an end.

All the other appointments…seeing a Gastro doctor Monday…which I’m guessing will lead to more tests, dentist to get a tooth yanked…the idea of that sickens me, Dermatologist to get a routine skin cancer screening.  It just feels never ending at this point but once these other things are taken care of I can cross them off my list which is very exciting!

Why do things feel so awkward this week….I am missing my workouts and the people I work out with.  I thought it would be a good idea to take at least the week off so I could re-focus and see if I could come up with some kind of strategy to get my nutrition, workouts, and head in sync.  I was doing so GREAT up until the end of last week.  I dropped 9 lbs. in 2 weeks!  I was on a roll!  Then something happened, I started doubting myself, and I blew it.  I really frustrate the hell out of me when this happens.  I know in my heart that I can fix this binging non-sense…I did so well when I first started this journey. ..I can do it again.  I’m praying that any day I will get that “I can do this” feeling and get back into my routine with the confidence and self-esteem I need.

What a weekend…what a week…what a month it’s been so far.  I almost can’t remember my last post; it’s been a while since I blogged.

Life has been good for the most part…the most important things in my life are perfect.  My kids. my husband, my family.  I’m struggling with a few things…work, business associates, friends, finances, diet/workouts.

The boys had a nice, relaxing spring break.  We headed to Edisto Friday and spent the day on a chilly beach and all ended up with sunburn.  My poor oldest got it the worst because he had no shirt on.  He is doing okay…as long as no one touches him.  Going back to school tomorrow will be a bittersweet moment but they only have 6 weeks to go before summer vacation.  Today TJ and I spent time outside doing some yard work.  We made lots of progress but still have lots of works to do.  We are prepping for our spring/summer garden.  We stopped by a nursery yesterday and decided to try growing blueberries, strawberries, and grapes.  I am beyond excited about this!  We are hoping to have the area ready for them within the next two weeks.

As for my struggles….hmmm where do I begin?  As for work, it has been busy (which is always a great thing) but when it’s busy in our department it means changes.  Changes are usually positive but at times it takes some sorting to see all the good that comes out of it.  Still any change for me is stressful to some extent.  Finances…like most people these days it is a struggle and has been for the last few years.  We’ve heard lots of great things about Dave Ramsey’s program so we are going to give it a shot.  Since I’ve heard so many great things I contacted his organization and have been put in touch with someone who teaches his program.  I’ll be meeting with him next week to discuss the possibilities of having the program taught at work.

Diet and workouts… after a conversation last week with my trainer I realized I was struggling more than I thought…what a disappointment this was for me.  I’ve been putting a lot of thought into things; I’m trying to figure out where the problems lie this time for me.  The one thing we discussed was my leg that still has numbness.  This is one of my biggest struggles and something that gets into my head way too much.  I’m trying to figure out how to stop this from happening.  After all the blood work I had from testing with the MS and then with the functional neurologist it seems as though I may have digestive/absorption issues.  My blood work showed that my protein and B-12 levels were low.  I even tested positive for a parasite of some sort. I’m going to start with a gastrologist to see if they can direct me. I haven’t been feeling well the last few weeks even when eating really well…so…I’m not sure where to go with this.  I started vitamin B-12 shots and feel a difference so I’m hopeful this will resolve part of the problem. There are lots of little things that are affecting me right now in a negative way and I’m not sure who to turn to at this point for help.  So for now I am having all my physicals and preventative testing done to get things out of the way before I head back to MUSC is a couple of months for my follow up MRI and spinal puncture.

Other than that, I feel as though I have disappointed myself and a few others.  Being an advocate for health and promoting wellness at work and to friends and family is an amazing and rewarding feeling; I love it!  But it is times like this, when I am struggling with myself, my workouts, my self-esteem, the way I look…and knowing that I have disappointed kills me inside.  It has me seriously considering seeing a therapist again.  I think at this point I need to stop considering it and just do it.  I spoke to TJ about it a few times…I think I am just avoiding the inevitable. I really need to understand this problem I have so I can move forward.