I didn’t realize how exhausted I was until I had the chance to sneak in a nap for a couple of hours…it felt so good, even though I woke up tireder haha.  I received a text from TJ asking if I was awake yet when I responded that I was he told me he was out with the boys so we met and grabbed something at Outback.

I’m feeling a little bit better today emotionally.  I had a good conversation with my trainer and explained what I realized and why I was struggling.  It was a tough conversation for me to have but I knew I needed to have it in order to move forward.  I needed to tell him how much weight I gained since I was diagnosed then undiagnosed with MS.  When I went for my second opinion the doctor asked what I had planned to do about my weight.  I explained to him what I was doing for the last few years and how much weight I lost.  He responded with, “So you gained 30lbs. in the last 5 months?”  All of a sudden, at that point, it seemed like nothing mattered…not even the MS.  I knew I had put on some weight but had no idea that it was that much.

I’ve really been beating myself up since then.  I felt as though I couldn’t look some people in the eye.  I felt as though I was living a lie.  I was so disappointed to realize that I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was…I feel as though I was tested on all that I learned throughout this journey I’ve been on and I failed…big time.  There were lots of other thoughts, misconceptions, and emotions that I experienced regarding this since my second opinion and during the conversation last night…bottom line is I need to put this behind me and get it together. 

The one thing that neither my trainer nor I can understand is how I can go from one extreme to the other, so quickly, then have so much trouble with getting back on track.  I wish I could understand this so I could explain it to him and anyone else who has this same struggle.  Brent has taught me so well.  I KNOW everything I need to know to be a success.  I can preach it to others with confidence because I completely BELIEVE in him and what he has taught me

Thinking about all this today, I need to simply “do” what I know is best for me.  I need to believe in myself and use something other than food to distract me from my emotions.  I still have much to learn about the things I need to fix within me.   My priority now is to learn how to keep myself together at my weakest moments and not succumb to binging and if I fail my focus will immediately change to fighting with all I have to get right back on track and not degrade myself.

I need to apologize for being a disappointment, coming across as a hypocrite, and  for not completely living the lifestyle I believe in and try to convince other is truly the best. I need to just apologize to myself for abusing me mentally, emotionally, and physically by binging.

I really need to thank Brent and others around me for not giving up on me when I give up on myself, for believing in me when the only thing I do consistently is doubt myself, and for reminding me how far I’ve come physically, mentally, and emotionally since I started this.  I will never forget and I am most grateful for how far I’ve come spiritually…God and my family are truly the reasons why I have not become completely unglued at this point.

This may be yet another battle that I’ve lost…but I will not stop until I win this war I’m stuck in with myself.