I am trying to figure out why I have so much trouble doing my box jumps.  When I step in front of a box my mind starts racing, I tell myself to start jumping on 3 but then by body defies my mind and just stands there.

I know I have a fear of tripping over the box, it’s never happened but that’s my fear, and what I’m trying to figure out.  What’s the worst thing that could happen if I tripped? I’m sure I’ll bleed, be somewhat humiliated, that would be it.  It’s like I’ll be condemned to hell if I trip.

At that moment, I totally forgot about the book I am currently reading teaches to change your thought process.  I’ve been working hard at focusing on my thoughts and “correcting” them.  I wish I wasn’t so caught up in my negative thoughts so I could have done better.  What running used to be is now what box jump has become.  I defeated running, now I have to do the same with box jumps.

 I was doing real well with my workouts for a while, but so far this week I’m feeling like they have just been okay.  I need for them to be better them okay.

Speaking of running, one of the ladies from the Monday night group commented on yesterday’s blog that my running was great...WOW!  I knew it improved, but I never thought it would be considered great.  I was so excited to read that…it made my day.  I meant to ask my trainer what he thought about my running last night…I’ll try to remember to ask him tomorrow.

My anxiety has been acting up again; we have an appointment Thursday, this is the 2^nd to last “step” of what we are dealing with.  I’m ready to move forward now!  But we definitely will be moving forward by the end of October.

Other than that I been feeling okay, positive, and optimistic.  I’ve been extremely tired lately, and that may be what’s affecting my workouts. I am reading before I blog, last night I fell asleep blogging twice before I decided it was time to finish up and go to sleep…sort of like what’s happening now haha.

Had a pretty interesting day at work today.  I was very excited to hear that our boot camp program received major props at the Executive Management Team meeting today.  They are very excited about the results they are seeing.  They want to get more people involved!  How great is that!  Although we work on recruitment whenever a session ends, I think it may be time to come up with a different strategy once we determine why some don’t participate.  It’s such a great feeling to know how good upper management and other at work feel about this program.  This has certainly been a trial by error program.  I’ve learned a lot, mostly the hard way, but it has all been well worth it and extremely rewarding.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I enjoy working with people who are about to start or are in the process of establishing a healthy life style.  I love talking to people about it, giving them some guidance, giving them resources or even referring them to someone who can help them.  I’ve been trying to figure out if there’s anything more I can do with that.  I think it might be time to look further into it and start looking and inquiring on some things…you just never know what’s out there until you try,

I went back to the Monday Boot Camp group tonight.  While I was driving there my anxiety kicked into high gear.  I was talking to myself the whole way asking why the hell this is giving me anxiety.  But once I got there I was better.  It felt good to be back although I felt like I was struggling a bit.  The workout was great though.  We ended it with mountain climbers and a run.  Man did my mountain climbers suck, and they were slow, but I Think my running may have been J

Guess what popped in for a visit today?  Mr. Anxiety…damn it!  Lucky for him it was only for a short stay.  It’s been nice that the anxiety hasn’t been around, was disappointed it happened today but I am more grateful that it’s been gone for the most part.

I think it kicked in during the service at church when they were encouraging us to attend the service the weekend of 9/11.  Just hearing that date makes me anxious.  It’s something I will definitely attend, but I’m not sure what to expect.  Knowing people who died that day makes it so much harder.  It’s so sad and I’m having trouble grasping that it’s been 10 years since it happened, it seems like it was yesterday.

Another great message at church today.  Our entire family went.  While Joe and Nick headed to the service for their age group, TJ, Justin, and I went to the regular service.  Justin has been struggling since we changed campuses. He doesn’t like the way they do things for his age group.  He loved it at the other campus, but it’s so far compared to our local campus.  So every Sunday is a struggle getting him to go, but he goes, he cries a little bit, but by the time the service is complete he is happy.  I always remind him that he was sad before we came, but he’s smiling now and that means spending time worshipping God really makes him happy.  I’m not sure if he’s buying it, but it’s the truth J

Joe decided he wants to audition for the Worship Team.  We asked him what he was going to play; he told us the microphone.  So…we will of course support him and call to get more information.  Singing isn’t really one of his stronger qualities, but with some practice he can definitely get to where he needs to be.

My sweet Nicholas is turning into a mouthy little tween who pay end up with a hand print on his cute little face.  What the hell happens to kids when they go through puberty…YIKES!  He’s lucky I’m a push over or else he would be in some serious trouble J

Looking forward to getting my new running routine underway this week and going to attempt trying out an exercise class with a new instructor at work…We’ll see how that goes.  Also wanting to spend some time with my rowing machine…I love that thing but I really don’t have time for it.  If I could get on there twice a week I’ll be happy.  I’m so excited that the weight is coming off again!  Need to keep pushing forward…I know a plateau is on the horizon.

Today was an odd day for me.  I slept about 11 hours last night; I was so excited until I realized I felt pretty bad.  Still feeling out of sorts at the end of the day.Tj worked on the floor in the family room…he did a great job; first time using tile and spacers and it came out great!  He barely had any waste.  We are hoping to grout tomorrow then touch up the molding and put it back up.  Next thing to do is hunt around for furniture…hunting being, if anyone has anything they don’t need we would love to see it.  We cannot put any money into furniture for a spare room at this time.

Justin went for an eye exam yesterday and he is very nearsighted.  He can’t see more than 3’ in front of him.  Broke my heart.  He was so upset that he has to get glasses; I wasn’t sure how to console him.  He looks so darn cute in them.  He said he doesn’t want to look like a nerd. L  He has so many self-confidence issues I’m so afraid this will only make it worse.  I’m not sure how he might react when he finds out he made need braces for his ankles. Anything like this is so hard to deal with.  Although I didn’t need glasses or braces when I was his age, I dealt with self-confidence issues because of my weight.  On top of his weight issues, he has these other things to contend with. 

My running….I feel like I haven’t been doing it!  I was going to run tonight but wasn’t feeling well so no matter what, tomorrow morning it will be.  I spoke to my trainer, Brent, about my running and we decided that I needed to find time during the week to do a run.  I’ve been doing it all on the weekends, sometimes within 12-24 hours of another run.  He explained that the run are designed to do days apart not hours.  The exciting thing about this was that doing this so close together may have been the cause of my leg/knee pain.  So, I’m thinking about doing Saturday or Sunday then Tuesday or Thursday evening. 

I’m getting a bit nervous about the half marathon.  I made a deal with a friend to do this event.  If she did the full I would do the half marathon.  She’s been struggling with injuries so I’m not so sure she can do it.  Crazy how you imagine how you want something go and way before the event everything sort of doesn’t go that way and you begin to stress out.  I need to keep in mind that this has nothing to do with anyone but me. 

The great thing about doing the half is that I set a goal for myself to lose 20lbs by the time it rolled around.  I had a 20 week running plan and am just half way through and have already lost 23 lbs.!  How great is that?  For someone who always “hated” to run I am certainly grateful for it now.  I’m not saying I’ve fallen head over heels in love with it but it had made a tremendous difference in this part of my fitness journey.

Running is something different for me; committing to a half marathon is some serious stuff and takes lots of preparation for someone like me.  The first thing Brent had to teach was actually how to run.  When he showed me the first video he took of me running I could help but laugh.  All’s the video needed was Super Mario music playing in the background. As I lost the weight, I felt the difference in my running so that kept me determined.  Then Brent rolled out a nutrition program August 1^st that has kept me on track and extremely accountable.  Lots of little things have played a role in preparation for this event.  So, now that I already reached my weight loss goal of 20 lbs., I set another for an additional 10; so far I lost 3 of that and I am hoping I will have to set a goal in addition to that J

I’m anxious to see how things unfold the next couple of months; even with the few hiccups I’ve experienced with this whole thing, I would say it’s going pretty well so far...but I’m still praying everything else sticks to my imaginary plan.

A Double Whammy of Joy All in One Day!

Lots of great things happened within the first few hours of the day!  Gotta love when that happens!

Let’s start with me than we will go on to what was even more exciting for me.  I am FINALLY under 200lbs!  Barely under, but under.  I weighed in at 199.6 today.  It was so nice to see a 1 instead of a 2 at the beginning of my number.

The best part is that I wasn’t having any anxiety over it, nothing changed in my life when it happened; life is good…and I’m out of the 200’s…FOREVER!

Then… 

I saw the lady who came in 2^nd place in our competition at work.  With her big giant smile and her cute Spanish accent, she said “I don’t even know what I won” I laughed and told her about the discount she gets on her health coverage.  Again she smiled big and said, “Oh that’s good, I like that but I like that I feel good about myself better”.  All’s I could think to myself was, she got it...YAY! It makes a huge difference in our fitness journey to have the right goals and the right reasons to lose weight and/or learn to live a healthy lifestyle.

Every person I know, including me, who has tried to lose weight or become “fit” for superficial reasons, was unsuccessful.  Yup, we may have lost weight or started a workout regimen; but, I guarantee you, the weight came back and the workouts fizzled out.  Same goes for anyone who tries these fad diets…ain’t gonna work, and if it does, it won’t be for long.

I love this stuff…I can’t tell you how it makes me feel to deal with people who are making healthy lifestyle changes. I’ve never had such a great feeling of fulfillment as I do when talking with people about their successes, obstacles, etc.  Even a while back, when my trainer was doing seminars and I helped out a little bit, it was great! I really wonder at times if I’m in the wrong line of work.  The great thing is I maintain the wellness program at work J  so I can’t wait to plan and roll out what we may be doing next!

And The Winner Is...

Today was such an amazing day!  We announced the winners of our fitness challenge at work....the looks on their faces are indescribable.  They were beaming!  And not because they now get a discount on their health insurance but because they feel awesome about themselves...oh and they both look pretty damn good to!.  These ladies, along with many others in our group have busted their butts to get where they are today. I'm so proud of all of our employees who work hard at bettering themselves.  We have such an amazing group!

I'm still so excited about them that I'm not even going to get caught up in myself right now haha...Good Night and stay safe; if you are in Irene's path, get out!  Praying for every ones safety!

"When the battle seems endless and you think you'll never make it, remember that you are reprogramming a very carnal, fleshy, worldly mind to think as God thinks."

A friend of mine let me borrow a book to read and I finally started it tonight.  I read through 6 chapters and could relate to everything in it.  It’s been quite an eye open so far.  A lot of it talks about negative thoughts and how Satan wanting this to happen and how we allow him to do this to us.  Now, whenever I hear that name, Satan, I cringe.  Whenever that little devil was discussed at Bible Study I practically shutdown.  It’s so frightening to me.  It wasn’t that way tonight for some reason.  I read through it and so much made sense; many things fell into place. 

My thinking is negative.  Not all the time, but when it comes to certain things I allow the negative thoughts to take over.  It usually happens when I am afraid to fail at things that are so important to me. Fail on my diet; fail at working out, and failing friendships.

For instance, when it comes to my diet, I always knew that at some point I would screw things up by binging or just flat out cheating.  I literally would wait for it to happen, and of course it eventually did happen…although it hasn’t happened in the last 10 weeks J I’m so proud of that!

Another time I see it, and so does my trainer, Brent, is during my workouts.  Let’s take running for instance...  As soon as I heard that 3 letter word I just gave up, I start thinking I just can’t do it.  I failed before he even told us where to run to.  He could always see it on my face while he was explaining the workout.  He’s told me that I look defeated before the start of the workout.

The other area in my life that I see it in, and this really slapped me in the face tonight, is in my relationships with friends.  I cannot believe what I am in the process of doing.  I am a mess and although I’m upset from the realization, I am also relieved by it.  I have a bad habit of assuming negative things and internalizing as if everything in everyone’s life has to do with me…HA!  Far from it.  Meaning, if a friend is quiet or having an off day, or if they are moody, whatever the case may be.  I automatically think it has to do with me.  I will interrogate myself trying to figure out what it was that I did. I then defend myself and try to justify my feelings.  Then before I know it, I am feeling negative, paranoid, and whatever else about this person who has done nothing but be a friend…it’s crazy…I hate it.  I never associated that as something that Satan was behind…but it makes sense.

I’ve allowed him to destroy relationships that I felt safe and secure in.  Apparently that Satan guy feeds off my insecurities, which clearly is my biggest weakness.  I allow them to control my life; so does that mean I’m allowing Satan to control part of my life?  Yikes!!  I don’t know, but I need to change that ASAP!  I’m not being fair to myself and I'm not being fair to the people I'm thinking negative of.

Don’t get me wrong, the negative thoughts are not mean thoughts about the person.  I surround myself with good people.  I don’t have anyone in my life right now whose morals or ethics I question.  It’s me sort of preparing myself for the worst because I assume good relationships end, and it is my way of thinking that leads to it.

What makes all this worse is that I am so afraid to discuss what I am feeling directly with the person I am feeling this about (does that make sense?)  I’m afraid that if I express how I feel they will become defensive and walk away from me and that will be the end of our friendship.  UGH…this makes me want to scream!! I can now understand so much of what I’ve been told in the past from friends who weren’t afraid to talk to or confront me on things.  I am realizing, as I type, that when I really want to discuss something with someone or tell them how I feel or let them know that I wasn’t happy about something that happened, I completely SHUTDOWN!!!  I can’t do this anymore, it has to stop…I am exhausted from just realizing this…now I understand why I cause people to grow tired at times of me. 

Still so much work to be done on me...but I know progress is being made.  Time to change the way I think when it comes to things that are important to me.

Today has me exhausted …I was up early, around 3 AM and didn’t fall back to sleep.  Even though I was tired I felt pretty good throughout the day.  Got lots done and had a few good laughs. 

I really struggled through my workout today.  We did lots of stretches that felt so so good.  It hurt so bad; I was dripping with sweat, but it was that feel good kind of hurt.  After that I had to do 15 squat presses with 10lbs dumbbells within a minute and whatever time I had left was my rest time for, what seemed like, 100 rounds.  Well holy crap…it was pathetic!  I didn’t understand what was happening; the trainer didn’t understand what was happening.  I should have been able to do 15 straight and quick, but my shoulders and legs fatigued so darn quick.  It was so odd.  I was pretty bummed after that. Bummed because I felt like I just couldn’t do it and I totally let it get to me.  I had to leave work shortly after the workout I felt like I could drive, my legs were shaking haha.  What a mess; looking forward to a much better workout tomorrow. 

My diet is still going well…I am pleasantly SHOCKED!  The last couple of days I’ve been a bit hungry but I’m just ignoring that.  I have been wanting to do an intermittent fast lately.  Not sure why, but I’ve always loved the way I felt once it was completed. 

We spent a couple of hours at the Medical University today with 2 of our boys.  One did great…the other needs to see a few specialists.  He will need to go for a sleep test, see a new Physical Therapist, and an ENT.  We have a few weeks until those appointments come up so I am going to put that on the back burner right now and not lose sleep or stress over it.

Looking forward to a great day tomorrow and praying for so many things; one being this hurricane that headed our way…Yikes!

Today’s church service had an impact upon me like nothing I ever experienced.  I cried throughout the entire service but was elated when I walked out afterwards. It was so moving and thought provoking.  We watched an interview with the author of the book, “Heaven is for Real”.  Here’s a short description of the book:

A young boy emerges from life-saving surgery with remarkable stories of his visit to heaven.
Heaven Is for Real is the true story of the four-year old son of a small town Nebraska pastor who during emergency surgery slips from consciousness and enters heaven. He survives and begins talking about being able to look down and see the doctor operating and his dad praying in the waiting room. The family didn't know what to believe but soon the evidence was clear.
Colton said he met his miscarried sister, whom no one had told him about, and his great grandfather who died 30 years before Colton was born, then shared impossible-to-know details about each. He describes the horse that only Jesus could ride, about how "reaaally big" God and his chair are, and how the Holy Spirit "shoots down power" from heaven to help us.
Told by the father, but often in Colton's own words, the disarmingly simple message is heaven is a real place, Jesus really loves children, and be ready, there is a coming last battle.

Colton’s father became extremely emotional during the interview when he talked about his son telling him about meeting his miscarried sister.  He went on to talk about how he would be able to hold and be with his daughter one day, he was so overcome with emotion while talking about this; it was the most amazing thing to hear, and to know this would happen for him.

I couldn’t help but put myself in his shoes.  The idea of seeing a child, your child, who died in or was taken from your womb, is such an amazing thought.  But for Christians, who have experienced such tragedy, know that this will indeed happen one day and it is so exciting; there is even more to look forward to!  To be able to spend eternity with a child you never thought you would see or hold, only felt inside of you for a short time, but this child has forever lived in your heart makes me feel complete, deserving, forgiven, and as though  a second chance is being given.  God is good!!

On top of this one huge thing was nothing but more good things.  I had an amazing night’s sleep.  I went to bed about 11ish, woke up at 6AM, assuming it was my usual 2AM wake up time, went to check on the boys, opened Nick’s door to see him playing in his room.  I asked what time it was, he said 6.  I was so happy, I went right back to bed, immediately fell back to sleep and woke up at 930AM.  That is so rare for me!  It was wonderful.

We had breakfast then headed out to church, stopped at Krispy Kreme, went home, changed, had lunch, then headed out to the beach for a while.  It was indeed a Glorious day!

My knee is still hurting so I didn’t run; my diet has been great…just a few days until what will be a big weigh in for me.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed that there is no plateau in the near future, and…there was no anxiety today! J

My knee is now a mess!  UGH!  It was killing me during after my run today.  I almost called TJ to pick me up but I didn’t want to wake him.  I iced it, rolled it, elevated it, took Alieve…I want to cry L  I know it has more to do with my muscles then my knee…but either way, it still hurts me and it hurt my running time.  I’m supposed to run tomorrow with Valerie so I’m hoping everything I’m doing today will help.  THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING!!

Anyway, we had a real nice day today, woke up, got my usual 5 hours of sleep, ran (like crap but I did it and finished it), relaxed while icing the knee, straightened up the house, then headed over to a Meet and Greet for Nicks school.  It was lots of fun, good food; boating and tubing with great people…we had a blast!

I am on a roll with my low anxiety level!  Although I feel stressed, it’s not getting to me as it has been for the past couple of months.  I’m feeling so much better…YIPPY!  There’s an end in sight…I can’t wait for this to be done so we can move forward…This uphill battle is almost over J  AMEN!

I’m excited about something that may be introduced to our group at work…just working on a proposal then need approval…1^st Boot camp, then Zumba….hmmm, wonder what could be next J  Speaking of Zumba, now that my hours are back to normal, I may give it another shot.  We have a different instructor then the one we started with so I’m not sure how I’ll do; I’ll need to make sure my knee okay before I do it also.  Everyone at work loves what we are offering!

So many exciting, fun things coming up…I can’t let things be overshadowed by one stressful situation…ANYMORE than I already have.

I was sitting in bed about 10 minutes thinking how much better my anxiety has been over the past 2 days…and now it’s acting up haha.  It’s not bad at all, just some shortness of breath…maybe it’s just gas, who knows.

Today went well!  Got lots done at work and had fun while doing it. Got home, settled down with the boys and ate dinner.  Then did a run…it was pretty fun haha…I can’t believe I actually typed that.  I LOVE the interval runs!  I think I may have to do the entire half marathon as an interval run hehe.  I need to run a 5k this weekend and time it.  The last one I did took almost 46 minutes; that was 9 weeks ago.  I’m hoping my times improved.  It should, I’m 20lbs lighter and have been making some decent progress.  I have no plans to run with anyone this weekend L I need to figure out how to get past this soon…real soon.  I need to get in a run tomorrow and Sunday; got to catch up on my running plan.

By running 3 days in a row, I’m hoping it will help my weight loss.  I’m due for a weigh in next Friday.  I’m reluctantly excited about it.  I am just a few pounds away from going under 200 lbs.  I NEED to get this done.  It haunts me…haha…okay so I’m being dramatic but still.  I haven’t been below 200 in about 16 years.  I was thrilled beyond relief when I got under 300lbs. I can’t wait to see how it feels to go under 200…thinking about it makes me smile and sort of giggle J

Here’s something new I noticed about myself.  I have always struggled with accepting compliments.  I still do, but this past week, so many have commented on my weight loss and my response with a huge smile on my face is simply, “thanks!”  Whenever people complimented me in the past I just joked about it, or said something like only 100 more pounds to go.  I could never bring myself to just say thanks.  Not sure why; maybe it’s that undeserving complex I seem to have or because I always gave the credit for my weight loss to so many others.  Lately, more and more I realize it wasn’t anybody but me who lost all this weight…yup, I did have the best support system ever and I’ve learned so much, but even still it was me.  Just like it was me who gained the weight, it was me who plateaued, and it was me who pretty much screwed things up for a while.

Apparently I screwed up my eating, my workouts, I let so many things slip away for a while.  I wasted time, only when it comes to my weight loss though.  My weight loss suffered while I worked on other areas; things that had to be resolved in order to continue my weight loss journey and to reach my goals.

So my next goal to reach, get under 200 lbs.!  It will be a week of great eating, running and tough workouts!

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment" ~Marcus Auerelius

Well today my anxiety level was so low…PHEW!  Maybe this is the end of it; I’ve been praying for it to go away and now I’m praying for it to stay away.  Things have been settling around the house.  The boys are back to school and everyone seems to be happy and settling in nicely. This, in and of itself eases my mind.

Yesterday was quite a day; it was one thing after another, both negative and positive. By the time I got home I was drained just from all the emotional flip flopping at work.  When I arrived home I needed to rush to feed the boys and get the house straightened for Bible Study.

Last night was our last gathering for Bible Study, the group lasted just about a year, we made it through Matthew Chapter 18 (I believe), and I learned more about Christianity than I did in all the years I went to Catholic school.  And the things that I learned about myself…wow!  It was an amazing experience. I’ve had so many life changing experiences in the past 3 years but this one has had the greatest impact on me. 

I was sad that it ended.  I was struggling to figure why I was sad knowing I have other options to continue with my spiritual growth.  I could only narrow it down to one thing.  I am just flat out afraid.  I’m so afraid that when all of the things that got me to the point come to an end I will undo what I’ve done and what so many others helped me to do.  I have yet to convince myself that I am deserving of the many things and the help I received over the last few years.  Whenever I felt this way, in the past, I would go into a self sabotage mode. 

The question is, will I actually allow that to happen?  Well, I feel stronger these days; I have more confidence now then I’ve ever had.  My faith in God is stronger than it’s ever been.  With these 3 things I can’t imagine that I would fall victim to my fear of undoing what has been done.  Although I’m struggling with a couple of things right now, I am happy, I’m beyond blessed, and I’m surrounded by amazing people.  I won’t let this happen and I’m pretty sure no one around me will let it happen.

So what do I do now?  Maybe I should slap the negative thoughts out of my head.  Remind myself that I am NOT the same person I was a few years ago.  Realize that I am stronger, confident, and proud of who I am.  Most importantly I need to keep moving forward; I need to stop “stunting my own growth” whether it be spiritually, mentally, physically, and/or emotionally. 

I wanted a better understanding about why I developed this fear so I would be able to determine how to “conquer” it.  So I researched a bit and this is what I came up with:

According to the Merriam Webster online dictionary, the definition of fear is: An unpleasant, often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger and accompanied by increased autonomic activity.

Fear can be a very powerful and unpleasant emotion. When we experience fear, several psychological and physiological responses take place all at the same time.

Psychological events include feeling emotionally overwhelmed, having high levels of anxiety, and even feeling terrified.

Physiological responses to fear include a faster heart rate, shallow breathing, and similar effects.

Experiencing fear can greatly impact our view on life, our confidence levels, and can sabotage our potential for personal growth.

Just as there are many types of fears, there are also different levels of anxiety associated with fears. Some people have what they consider to be strange fears, when they simply possess a less common fear.

It doesn’t matter what the fear is or how many people have it – if it is affecting your life in a negative way and holding you back from full enjoyment of your life, it is the definition of fear, and doesn’t belong in your life.

What Causes Fear?

We are only born with two fears; the fear of falling, and the fear of loud noises. All other fears we currently possess have developed from an event or events in our past which we associated with pain or danger. We have actually been programmed by the past experience to avoid the event which we associated with the pain and danger.

 So, now that I know this and realize that I have been living a good part of my life being fearful, what do I do?  How do I rid myself of fear?  Well, I thought about it for a while and I couldn’t come up with anything other than, “Just get over it and move on before you bring your past into your future.”

Today was the first day back to school.  They all did great and were very happy when they came home.  We had a minor bus problem but everything turned out okay.  I’m so excited to get everyone back into a routine.  Everyone in our home functions so much better that way.

Joe had to audition today for his performing arts group.  His producer picked out the cutest song just for him. It sounded like things went well; hopefully he’ll be spending another year with the Charleston Youth Company.

We had to put Justin back into childcare this year so we opted for an after school karate program.  I’m hoping the discipline aspects of karate will help him most.  He gets so frustrated at times and he just breaks down and cries.  His dad hates it because that just not was boys should be doing…and at Justin’s age I agree.  I hate it because it just breaks my heart; I know how he feels, the poor child gets that from me.  Maybe I need to take karate to J

Things are still going well with diet and exercise.  As far as I know everyone in our group is doing real well with it.  I can’t wait to see them all; it’s been about a month since I’ve worked out with them.  I’m hoping to get back soon; one of the girls wants me back tomorrow.  If not tomorrow I am going to do my best to get there Monday, anxiety permitting. (UGH!)

Yup, my anxiety is still an issue.  It was bad yesterday and it was okay for a while today until I headed towards work.  I had the day off but went in for my workout.  But I still have not taken any medicine so I am feeling great about that.

Speaking of which…Oh my Gosh I thought today was the day I was going to puke!  I even told the trainer that if I puked I would feel so much better. I think I may have eaten to close to my workout.  The worst thing to hear  when you finish a workout is if your trainer asks if you counted right…CRAP!  I thought I did; He questioned my count because the time of my last round was too close to my first round.  I have to totally agree with him for two reasons, 1) we both know I am not the best counter;  2) My the final round I was dragging, there was no way I counted right, I’m just not sure where I screwed it up. 

For some reason lately, it has been getting to me when things like this happen.  But it’s a positive…I am more determined, I am pushing harder, and I’m feeling the difference the workouts and nutrition is making more than ever! I raised the expectations I have for myself.  It feels so damn good to be at this point!

Although I was just a bit frustrated this morning, I really wish I could start every day the same way I do on Sundays…up early, healthy breakfast, run, protein shake, shower, wake the boys and feed them, church, then a nice family lunch.  It was wonderful and sort of peaceful.

I wasn’t crazy about my run, I even became upset and at one point and was in tears.  I did whatever it was I had to do to push forward and finish.  I’m not sure what it was this morning, but I felt sluggish and had trouble breathing again.  I know I have lots to work on as far as my running goes, but I really need to figure out how to get my head straight and how to deal with my anxiety while I’m running…Any suggestions?  J

Today at church Nick decided he wanted to come to the service with me and not go to the service they have for kids his age.  He loved it!  I asked what he thought and he said it was hilarious haha.  I love that my boys are attending a church that they enjoy and get something out of.  When we went to meet Joe after the kids service, we found out that he won a free smoothie from the Café for winning a spaghetti and meatball eating contest….hmmm…so I guess he had a blast to J  Justin came to the service with me to, he was just being cranky, he doesn’t like the service they have for kids his age at the campus we go, he wants to go back to the original one we went to.  SO we agreed to alternate every other week.

I meant to blog about this yesterday but I forgot.  I had 2 pretty exciting things happen yesterday; both had to do with getting into new clothes.  When we went to NY in April I purchased 3 new sports bras, expensive sports bras.  I tried them on when we got back home and they didn’t fit around my back…UGH!! Well I tried one on yesterday and it fit perfectly and was so comfortable.  I was so excited…it was such an “uplifting” moment for me J  A friend of mine gave me clothes about a year and a half ago.  I held on to whatever I could use and whatever I couldn’t I passed along except for one thing.  There was this pretty pair of “skorts”.  Every so often I would try them on to see if I was making progress.  It has a zipper on the side so it’s sort of a pain.  Every time I put them on the button to the loop was a few inches apart.  Well about 2 weeks ago I was able to squeeze into them…literally haha.  BUT yesterday I was able to wear them and they too were comfy!  I was really so excited about that to.

Progress…ahhhh…such a wonderful thing!

Woke up early this morning to get my run in; it was okay, could have been better.  I had Joe with me; he was riding his bike, so that was a big distraction; especially when he got a flat tire.  Tomorrows run is scheduled for 630AM, weather permitting.  I really hope the rain stops; I don’t want to fall further behind on my running plan.  If I do I may need to have them change the date of the half marathon J

Got lots done today, even cleaned up the front yard.  I was a nasty mess after that.  I took a long shower after that…I could barely move.  I can’t understand how I can do the workouts I do, but then when I pull weeds, cut back bushes, mow the lawn, etc. I can barely walk.  The back of my left leg is so tight I could barely sit down.

After my shower I sat at my vanity to do my hair and thin out those bushy things that sit above my eyes.  I looked in the mirror and for a second I sort didn’t recognize myself.  It was really weird.  I looked so different to me for some reason.  I went into a little panic.  I asked TJ if my face looked like it was sinking in.  I’ve seen people who have lost weight and some get an “old” look to them.  I was so afraid that was happening to me.  TJ reassured me it was not, he did say my face changed but it wasn’t a negative change…PHEW!!

Eating today went okay.  I “cheated” during one of my snack meals but I was able to get right back on track with my next meal.  My husband looked at me like I was crazy haha, but I have to say, I’m enjoying having the ability to have complete control of my eating, even if I cheat.  It was just under 2 months ago that when I cheated, I couldn’t stop…so relieved it’s not like that anymore J

I think there may be someone I actually like somewhere inside of me...She's almost completely "unburied"

Well I’m still on my losing streak!  I lost 4 more pounds.  That’s 20 in just 8 weeks.  My goal was to lose 20 by the time the half marathon came around and that’s still about 12 weeks away.  So I guess I need to set a new goal…hmmm…I think I’ll try for 10 more since I’m expecting my weight loss to slow down. 

I’m so excited and relieved about this.  I feel so good about my progress and myself.  Something changed somewhere…I’m not sure exactly what it was, but it changed me, the way I think, and the way I feel about some things in my life.  I almost feel like I detached myself from a couple of things.  Maybe I just prioritized things going on in my life…I’m really not sure.

Today turned out well.  I was excited from the start of the day.  I’m beginning to like what I’m becoming; I think I just may be feeling somewhat secure for the first time in a long time…if ever.  I can’t wait to see how the next few weeks ago.  My diet is going great, I’m going to work harder at making my workouts more intense and more consistent…I think it’s better than what it was, but it can always improve.

I haven’t worked out with the Monday night group in a while.  I tried to get back to them last week but I was overwhelmed with anxiety.  For some reason when I think of going back I get anxious.  Not a negative anxious and excited, positive kind of anxious, but because of other things going on in my crazy life that positive anxiety turns into a panic attack.

It’s back to running again tomorrow.  I’m looking forward to it.  I already made an appointment to run Sunday morning at 630 AM and I know that this run will be tough since this “running coach” is relentless.  I’m also seriously considering re-doing Thursday’s workout.  I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.  I really should have been able to finish it and it’s really getting to me that I didn’t.

Still lots of work to do on me and lots of progress to make…but what I am doing is working.  And what even better is that it’s still working during a very trying time for me.  I’m seeing things so clearly, I’m not making excuses for myself or anyone else…doing this has really made a difference in the last couple of weeks.

Got something “weigh in” heavy on my mind tonight.  That would be my weigh in tomorrow morning.  I hate the way this makes me feel I don’t know why I’m doing this haha…weighing that is.  It just stresses me out.  I think one of the reasons why I feel more stressed is because I’ve been losing every weigh in and I know I am due for staying the same or even gaining; even though I have been so good with my food.  Anyway…we shall see what happens tomorrow.

The day went well and was pretty productive.  Food was good, workout was okay.  I should say the workout was great; it was my performance that was just okay.  It HURT and I got warn out pretty quickly. I’ve been working out with heavier dumbbells, which I’m excited about, but they slow me down and I get fatigued sooner…but that’s okay, I just need to learn how to push through it.  Since I’m doing more one on one workouts, my trainer is able to critique and correct my form more.  Today he pointed how I position my hands and arms when I do my burpees.  He told me how to correct it and it made a huge difference.  It was pretty exciting for me, especially considering the first time  I ever had to do burpees I just stood there lost thinking, “there is just no way” haha. 

I feel great about how well things are going with my eating and my workouts. Many have been commenting on my weight loss which is exciting and always so motivating.  What’s even greater than that is how consistent I’ve been for almost 8 weeks straight.  This is such an accomplishment for me.  I haven’t been able to make it through 4 straight weeks in the past.

Today I was talking to a lady I work with today, who also does our boot camp at work.  This lady has made some amazing progress.  We were discussing weight loss and I told her how close I was to one of my goals, with that, I broke out into a sweat and went into an anxiety attack.  So then our conversation shifted to fears and how that’s how the devil wants us to live.  Well, whenever I hear this kind of stuff I panic even more simply because when you learn about this and read about it in the Bible it all seems to fall into place and make sense.  We were about to walk out of the office and I said to her look at me, I am sweating so much, she touch my arm then pulled me closer to her and said get over here and began to pray over me.  Although it didn’t instantly stop my anxiety attack and sweating, it did bring on a strong sense of peace and so much reassurance.  Praise God…it truly works!

Well my anxiety almost pushed me over the edge today.  I started an anxiety attack around noon and it just stuck with me through my workout and it really affected my performance.  I was getting so mad!!  Of course that doesn’t help it subside at all.  I had so much trouble trying to catch my breath it was ridiculous.  At one point I needed to walk out of the room, find a cooler area, just to catch my breath.  My shoulders and chest were hurting today.  So, whenever I went to take a deep breath I stopped suddenly because of the pain…this didn’t help the situation either.  I almost went for the medication today but went upstairs for a back rub instead.  That definitely helped J

Although it was slow, and I was pretty much left standing alone, I finished my workout.  I felt myself slipping back into stalling, one of my old bad habits.  Each time I caught myself doing this, I did more reps.  We had to do 50 reps each of 18 or 19 different exercises.  I definitely worked up a great sweat.  Even though my arms were basically for ornamental purposes today, I still did ok.

My diet, once again, was close to perfect today and I am excited to say that I have been consistently getting in a gallon of water each day.  Which, without a doubt, I need considering how much I’ve been sweating.  I am due for a weigh in Friday morning.  I’m pretty nervous about it.  I know I’ve done well with my eating, but my fear is how I will handle what the scale tells me.  I know I’m losing fat, I’m losing inches, but there is something about that darn number, that I know doesn’t mean much, that can make or break me. Knowing how much I’ve lost in the past 6 weeks, I’m expecting to hit a plateau or stay the same.  I don’t think I’ll gain weight since we haven’t done heavy weights. 

Today with the exception of my anxiety was a good day. I’m praying that my anxiety goes away sooner than later.  The good thing is that I see an end in sight.  We have a couple of dates as to when all this craziness that has gotten to me will be done.

I am keeping a longtime friend in my prayers.  She is going through so much lately and just received more bad news.  She is a lady who has dedicated her life to her family, who is completely exhausted, and who needs all the prayers she can get.

"Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them."

A friend of mine posted this quote on Facebook this evening; "Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them."  This one sentence has opened my eyes to something I’ve been trying to figure out for months now.

Has anyone ever told you that you expect too much from them or you just feel disappointed because something didn’t go the way you thought it would?  I have; more often then I should. Whenever I feel that way I question myself as to why I often feel disappointed when it comes to others and this quote had completely answered my own question. 

I am actually feeling pretty relieved now that I understand this.  Figuring out something new about me is a great way to close out the day.  So, if I ever seem disappointed or if you get the impression that I expect too much from you, please keep in mind that it is simply because I am willing to do that much, probably even more, for you J

Today was a pretty good day. Did work, worked out, then went to the beach with my boys and friends.  My eating was pretty close to perfect; I drank lots of water, and got in a great workout.

Speaking of my workout…I am re-learning pushups.  I can’t do a regular pushup yet so for a while I did them on my knees.  To make them more challenging, the trainer taught me how to do them on my toes but in a “snaking” sort of way, which worked well for me for a while.  I always started chest to the ground lifting my chest first then making a “snaking” motion until I was on my toes.  Today we attempted lifting my butt first then my chest. What a mess haha.  Of course it was real bad because I was over thinking, but I will say it was pretty funny and extremely awkward.  But, all in all the workout was a good one.  I was sweating SO much again and my upper arms and shoulders felt like Jell-O and were shaky the rest of the day.

My freak’n anxiety was in high gear again today.  This is beginning to make me crazy; I hate it.  I know there is much stress due to a situation currently being dealt with.  However, I believe some of it is coming from my weight loss.

I am so close to getting past a point that I haven’t been past in about 17 years.  Whenever I think about it the anxiety kicks in. I was thinking today about my next weigh in, which is this coming Friday, and the anxiety kicked in.  It sounds silly, I know it does, but getting to that point is so frightening to me yet not getting to that point would be devastating. I’m so confused yet excited and truly so scared…all at the same time.

Had a better day today as far as eating goes.  Thanks to so many of you for your encouraging posts and emails. I didn't miss any meals, no cheating, and unfortunately no time for a workout today.I have lots to make up for this coming week.

The boys are almost all set for school.  We have one more orientation to go through and only 2 more kids need school supplies.  I'm putting off clothes and sneakers for a few weeks.  School supplies and all the fee we have to pay cost way to much.

Still struggling with my anxiety but I am desperately avoiding medication.  I know this will pass, I pray it will; I don't want to throw anything into my body at this point.  Its going to have to get real bad before I do that...hopefully that won't happen.

I had a bad anxiety attack during Nick's orientation today; it was horrible, but I didn't give in to it.  I stuck to my food plan and feel pretty good about that.  After an off day of eating yesterday, I am proud that I was able to get back on track today.  I usually struggle for days, if not weeks, after I cheat...not this time!

Praying for some people in my life; for exciting events that are about to happen and for the struggles others are facing.  I'm also asking for prayers for struggles I am dealing with now.  Thanks!

I was so afraid this would happen...

For the first time in a long time I gave up on myself.  My friend and I had planned to run early this morning but she hurt her knee so I was on my own.  I was uptight the night before knowing I had to run by myself but I assumed I would be fine.  I woke up this morning, got out of bed, let the dogs out, checked the temperature and knew there was no reason why I shouldn’t run.  Once I realized that, I had a horrible panic attack…What the HECK!  It would not have been the first time I ran.  I know I push myself more when I’m with someone else, but even still…where was this coming from?

It sucked!  The weather was perfect, I could have done it if it wasn’t for my damn anxiety…it broke me today DAMN it!  I let it get in the way of my running, my eating, my mood…everything…UGH!!!  I have been so great about handling it; everything has been so close to perfect.  Yes, my anxiety was getting worse, but I was comforted by it knowing that those anxious feelings I was having were a replacement for binging. L  I’m so disappointed in myself.  I’ve been feeling more pressure lately for some reason, not sure what it is; there are so many things happening right now.  It’s days like today, which are really few and far between lately, that make me think I have no business doing a half marathon.

So what do I do next?  My plan is to “take it all out on my blog”, sort of just dump it and move forward.  I’ll be running tomorrow with or without someone.  When my anxiety attack starts I will push through it; at some point during my run it is sure to go away, right?  RIGHT!

These battles with food, anxiety, etc are never ending, BUT they are happening less often as time goes by.  I feel so good about that.  There is light and lots of hope at the end of my tunnel…I just wish the tunnel wasn’t as long haha.

There's so much on my mind but I'm blocking everything out today so I will only say this. Today, like many others, is a special day and I am very grateful for what God has blessed me with and for recognizing that such a blessing has improved my life in so many ways.

Holy COW!

Wow...I never ever broke a sweat like I did today!  There were 3 little puddles by the time I was done; I had to clean up the floor before the next group came into workout.  The workout was TOUGH and so painful.  My legs were burning like never before.  I really struggled through it.  I can’t quite push myself through the burn yet, it’s so hard for me not to focus on it. But after all was said and done, it was an awesome workout…that trainer of ours has such a great way of arranging his workouts.  He never lets anything get boring or old.

Today’s workout really stripped me of a lot of stress.  I felt so much better afterwards, I was exhausted, but I felt good. It seems like my recovery time is much slower than usual.  I guess it’s the heat, maybe my age, possibly my weight loss is playing a part it in, I’m really not sure.  And why am I sweating the way I am?  It’s sort of concerns me since I just don’t usually sweat the way I have been lately…it’s pretty nasty.

Well, I decided to do my measurements today.  Holy CRAP!  I cannot believe the difference.  It’s just crazy.  I now realize how morbidly obese I was.  I can’t help but question myself as to how I allowed myself to get that way.  Don’t get me wrong, I know the answer to that, but it really does make me question the lack of respect I had for what God has given me.

So here are my measurements from the day I started training in 2009.  Keep in mind that these measurements aren’t even from when I was at my heaviest…I was already down about 30 lbs. when these were taken.

First set of measurements          New measurements      Difference

Hips                       67”                                                         49”                                         18”

Thighs                   31.5”                                                      28”                                         3.5”

Waist                     48.75                                                     38”                                         10.75”

Total inches lost=32.25…Seems crazy, doesn’t it?

To show you how crazy it is, I pulled out a couple of things I kept as a reminder of how big I was.  So I’m posting some pictures.  In the first picture I laid a pair of pants, which fit me now, over a pair of my size 28’s…101lbs ago.

In this next picture…and yes, I do agree it’s tacky, but I couldn’t resist because it says more than I ever realized and ever wanted to know.  I laid a pair of underwear, that fit me now, over a pair from when I was heavier…much heavier.

Its crazy things like this that I need to keep me going. It’s being able to see and feel my progress that renews my sense of hope that I can finish this.  Being able to see where I was then and where I am now puts a smile on my face J