I think I may have learned something new about myself during Bible Study. It sort of hit me hard. I’m not sure if I had a noticeable reaction but I almost went into my shut down mode. I tried to avoid it; I think it may have worked.
I often, way too often, get hung up on helping people, pleasing people, and wanting to desperately be needed by people. I need this to make me feel good about myself. Nothing brings me happiness more than when I am able to help someone or do something for them. I feel as though I’m worth something when someone comes to me for help. If someone doesn’t come to me for help or is hesitant, I often become confused; maybe even insulted, I don’t understand why anyone would feel like they couldn’t ask me for anything.
The flipside of this is when I become upset about how I feel I am treated at times. I, again, get hung up on feeling like I need people, at times, and when I do I feel as though there isn’t always someone there for me. I question, “Why am I so willing to be there for others, yet I feel, at times, no one is there for me?” AND, in actuality there are people there I’m just to busy shutting down for them to realize I may need them.
I realized a short while ago that this is me playing the victim, feeling sorry for myself, etc. This is something I am working hard on and I think I’ve made some progress. I even catch myself doing it these days haha.
What I realized tonight is that the help I’ve been giving is to satisfy myself. It’s to satisfy my own needs. I realized how selfish I am and that what I do to help others may possibly be more for myself then for others. Most importantly, I realized what I am doing that’s completely wrong and if I correct this, it may very well change so many negatives in my life to positives.
Starting now, whatever I do, whoever I help, it will be for God and those who He sets before me. My focus will be God and what he wants me to do for others, not what I want or need for me.
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