I fell apart today…everything just hit me like a ton of bricks and I broke down. I kept trying to pull myself together but it just wouldn’t happen. I realized so many things while this was happening. It was an odd moment for me; I couldn’t understand why, when this was happening, there was suddenly such clarity.
I started to prepare for our Bible Study tomorrow night; we are reading Matthew, Chapter 17. These are the verses I was reading when this all happened:
1 After six days Jesus took with him Peter, James and John the brother of James, and led them up a high mountain by themselves. 2 There he was transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as the light. 3 Just then there appeared before them Moses and Elijah, talking with Jesus.
4 Peter said to Jesus, “Lord, it is good for us to be here. If you wish, I will put up three shelters—one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah.”
5 While he was still speaking, a bright cloud covered them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!”
6 When the disciples heard this, they fell facedown to the ground, terrified. 7 But Jesus came and touched them. “Get up,” he said. “Don’t be afraid.” 8 When they looked up, they saw no one except Jesus.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I’ve been feeling so frustrated with a couple of things. It’s an odd feeling of frustration; one that I don’t remember ever having. I’ve been feeling alone this last week, not feeling like I have anyone to turn to. Something has been missing lately and I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I had no comfort, I’m not feeling safe.
Why in the world have I all of a sudden felt this way? The answer came to me during my moment of clarity. I haven’t binged in weeks. I haven’t strayed from my healthy eating in so long…and it broke me. I actually started to laugh in the middle of crying. How silly does that sound? I knew food gave me comfort and binging gave me a sense of control. All of a sudden I didn’t have either and I fell apart. I’m pretty sure this isn’t a bad thing; I think it’s quite positive; I sort of feel like I conquered something that’s been haunting me for years.
I’ve pulled away from some people who are so important to me; I shut down when they ask if things are okay even though I really need them. I felt like barriers are going up and defense mechanisms are coming out. This is not me, this is not the type of person I want to be. I don’t want to be defensive, pathetic, and sad. I want someone to console me just like anyone else, I don’t want to shut the people out who care. But then I want to move forward, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I want to get things off my chest then laugh and have fun with my family and friends, talk about life and how great it is and can be. I have some truly amazing people in my life that I don’t want to lose, hurt, or frustrate.
I realized tonight how afraid I am and how insecure I’ve been. I’m so scared of what’s ahead of me; I don’t know what to expect and I’m silently panicking. I’m trying so hard to hide it but it seems like I've been busting at the seams within the past couple of days.
Tonight, I found comfort when reading. Even though I know that after this week things will become even more unpredicable and stressful, I began to feel safe again and I have a sense of reassurance that all will be fine. I found the comfort I needed in God and my husband; and I realized, aside from so many other things tonight, I found it without food and the need to control.
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