It's been a good day; been around friends and family all day.  Lots of thinking happening today as well.  I'm feeling good about so many things and feeling bad about very little. I feel like I am in a place in life that I've never been, as if I let go of so many things.  I feel refreshed, determined, and proud of myself.

I have wonderful people in my life who have helped me get to this point.  So much support was given , brutal honesty, lots of love and understanding as well.  I love you and what you did for me, for what you taught me, for being there for me.  I am so blessed and so grateful. I will always keep you close to me no matter how near or how far; even if I were never to see you or talk to you again, please know that you played a such a big part in making my life an amazing one and you will always hold a special place in my heart.  I pray that I can give to others what was given to me in the past two and a half years.

I Am Such A LOSER!

Woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach; I haven’t felt that bad since I was pregnant.  My anxiety level was over the top.  Why?  Because of an appointment AND because I was supposed to weigh in.  I got so used to not weighing in…no worries or cares or STRESS haha.  Absolute silliness.  When I got to work, I ran to the bathroom, went back to my office and kicked off my shoes, and said a quick prayer.  I blew out all the air in my lungs, closed my eyes and stepped on the scale.  Looked down at the horrible scale and saw that I lost 4 more pounds!!  WOO HOO!  So so exciting!  I have been so consistent lately and desperately fighting off my binging urges.

Someone asked how much weight I lost today.  I’m never really sure how to answer so here’s the breakdown:

·         Since my heaviest weight I’ve lost 119 lbs. 

·         Since I’ve been training 101 lbs. 

·         Since the beginning of the year 23 lbs. 

·         Since I started my running plan 18.5 lbs.

Weight loss doesn’t always say it all…I’m down 14 sizes and the clothes I am in now are getting baggy.  I should be able to get into the next size down soon!  At some point I’ll have to post some pictures of some clothes I had when I was heavier next to the clothes I fit into now.  I even saved a pair of underwear, which can be used as a parachute if I was to sew up the holes for my legs haha.  Also, I need to post the total number of inches lost.  I haven’t measured myself in a long time.

I’m pretty excited about this; from my eating to my running and my workouts I’m seeing all kinds of progress.  I don’t remember ever feeling this good about my fitness journey since I started.  I pray every day for strength and that I will do just as well as the day before.

I’ve been doing great for almost 6 weeks now.  I usually fail within the 4^th week so I’m on a roll.  We start our group nutrition challenge on Monday so I’m sure that will keep going strong for a while longer.  The timing to start that couldn’t have been better for me!

I must say I did a great job at keeping myself distracted today and keeping my anxiety level low today.  Although I had a sick feeling in my stomach throughout the day, no anxiety attacks came through J  It was another happy day for me!  A few things at work got to me, so I just vented and let it go.

I was pretty pleased with my workout today; we did a taproot workout, which, by the way, totally stripped me of all my stress for a good part of the remainder of the day.   The first exercise wasn’t too bad, at first, but it was awkward, it took me a little bit to find my rhythm, once I got it I did okay.  After a little while I was hurting.  The next exercise was burpees…YIKES!  It used to take me forever to do 1 burpee; I’ve always struggled with body weight exercises for obvious reasons but today I think I did my best burpees EVER!  I was pretty excited about it.  I’m not sure how or if it is noticeable it is, but I really feel like I am making some pretty good progress J

I am due for a weigh in tomorrow; oh the stress I put myself through days before it’s supposed to happen.  I’m not sure if I lost any weight but I know I’ve lost inches for sure.  My clothes are getting baggy and people have commented within the last couple of days.    But still it is stressful to me and I know that if I get on that scale and don’t lose anything I will be bummed…I’m such a head case haha.

We have an appointment tomorrow that I have been stressing over.  I can’t wait for it to come and go and to see what lies ahead of us.  It may not be the best way to start the weekend; at least we are getting it out of the way early.

I’m looking forward to doing some running this weekend.  I need to catch up on my running plan again.  The rain threw me off this week.  We don’t have too much planned this weekend so it should be pretty relaxing.

My trainer shared a very sad story with me today.  It really broke my heart but it reminded me how truly blessed I am and no matter how tough times can be, I really shouldn’t sweat the small stuff.  Even the big stuff doesn’t compare to what I heard from him today.

I’m feeling a better than I did yesterday; I really needed to experience what I did in order to feel the way I do today.  My anxiety was high today but I felt happy; I really enjoyed the day. My anxiety got to me a few times today; when I was working out, it’s tough enough to breath during our tough workouts, but then when my anxiety kicked in it made it even harder, but I pushed hard, got through it, and I felt okay about it.

My eating was good, I did have a piece of tomato pie that my friend Jennifer brought over…YUMMY!  I would have never thought to make a pie out of tomatoes. It wasn’t something I should have eaten, but, it was a small amount and I have been soooo good J

I am really looking forward to the beginning of a new challenge and the end of an old one.  My trainer is starting a new challenge with our group next week.  I only know bits and pieces of it, but it sounds interesting and fun…we will be working together in groups.  I think this maybe exactly what I need to get me up and over that damn hump I’ve been struggling with for a long while now. Being involved in this challenge with this particular group is just what I need! 

We will be finalizing the results for our 6 month challenge at work on Friday.  A good part of the participants did great!  I am so excited to find out who the winners are.  For me, the 6 months during this challenge have been a long, exhausting, trying, exciting, disappointing, hectic, and a very emotional experience.  I put so much time, effort and heart into it. There has certainly been a crazy mix of emotions throughout.  But whatever happened, whatever changed, the purpose of the challenge was well served and we have many more healthy employees J and for that I am very excited and so grateful to our trainer. I’m feeling pretty proud of our group at work.  I can’t wait to plan the recognition ceremony.  I’m hoping to do something special since the winners will be announced in front of everyone in our SC and NY office.  This is some pretty exciting stuff!

Friday is nearing and I’m praying it comes and goes quickly.  I’m not looking forward to it. I’m hoping once this day passes many of my worries and much of my anxiety will be lifted. I would truly appreciate any prayers you can offer for strength, hope, and patience J Thank you!

God and Husband Glue...It works great when you're broken!

I fell apart today…everything just hit me like a ton of bricks and I broke down. I kept trying to pull myself together but it just wouldn’t happen.  I realized so many things while this was happening.  It was an odd moment for me; I couldn’t understand why, when this was happening, there was suddenly such clarity.

I started to prepare for our Bible Study tomorrow night; we are reading Matthew, Chapter 17.  These are the verses I was reading when this all happened:

¹ After six days Jesus took with him Peter, James and John the brother of James, and led them up a high mountain by themselves. ² There he was transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as the light. ³ Just then there appeared before them Moses and Elijah, talking with Jesus.

 ⁴ Peter said to Jesus, “Lord, it is good for us to be here. If you wish, I will put up three shelters—one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah.”

 ⁵ While he was still speaking, a bright cloud covered them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!”

 ⁶ When the disciples heard this, they fell facedown to the ground, terrified. ⁷ But Jesus came and touched them. “Get up,” he said. “Don’t be afraid.” ⁸ When they looked up, they saw no one except Jesus.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I’ve been feeling so frustrated with a couple of things. It’s an odd feeling of frustration; one that I don’t remember ever having. I’ve been feeling alone this last week, not feeling like I have anyone to turn to.  Something has been missing lately and I just couldn’t put my finger on it.  I had no comfort, I’m not feeling safe.

Why in the world have I all of a sudden felt this way?  The answer came to me during my moment of clarity.  I haven’t binged in weeks.  I haven’t strayed from my healthy eating in so long…and it broke me.  I actually started to laugh in the middle of crying.  How silly does that sound? I knew food gave me comfort and binging gave me a sense of control.  All of a sudden I didn’t have either and I fell apart.  I’m pretty sure this isn’t a bad thing; I think it’s quite positive; I sort of feel like I conquered something that’s been haunting me for years.

I’ve pulled away from some people who are so important to me; I shut down when they ask if things are okay even though I really need them. I felt like barriers are going up and defense mechanisms are coming out.  This is not me, this is not the type of person I want to be.  I don’t want to be defensive, pathetic, and sad.  I want someone to console me just like anyone else, I don’t want to shut the people out who care.  But then I want to move forward, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I want to get things off my chest then laugh and have fun with my family and friends, talk about life and how great it is and can be.  I have some truly amazing people in my life that I don’t want to lose, hurt, or frustrate.

I realized tonight how afraid I am and how insecure I’ve been.  I’m so scared of what’s ahead of me; I don’t know what to expect and I’m silently panicking.  I’m trying so hard to hide it but it seems like I've been busting at the seams within the past couple of days. 

Tonight, I found comfort when reading.  Even though I know that after this week things will become even more unpredicable and stressful, I began to feel safe again and I have a sense of reassurance that all will be fine.  I found the comfort I needed in God and my husband; and I realized, aside from so many other things tonight, I found it without food and the need to control.

I spent lots of time on tonight's post and just deleted all of it.  I decided tonight isn't a good night for me to blog.  I felt like to much went on today, I'm feeling down and beat up from a few things that happened today and in anticipation of what I will be dealing with at the end of the week.

The great thing is that even though life has been stressful there is happiness. I am feeling proud that I am not straying from my good eating and my running is improving.  I'm with my family and we are happy and I have God .  That's all that needs to matter to me. Everything else needs to no longer be a priority in my life...I think it may be time for more changes.

The last few days consisted of a few great confidence boosters for me.  I did great with my eating; I included my cheat meal and kept my portions reasonable and was able to get right back on track.  That’s a huge accomplishment for me.  Usually when I have a cheat meal I go overboard.  I haven’t done that in weeks. I didn’t even get down on myself about it.  I planned it, I did it within reason, and then I moved forward; it’s great to have that sense of self control.

I had a pretty good running weekend as well.  Friday we did a crazy run smack dead in the middle of the afternoon. I thought we were going to die haha.  After the run I was literally on the verge of throwing up, I had the shakes, and when I sat down to rest I fell asleep for about an hour and a half. This was the run from last week I had to do over.  When I did it the first time, I told my trainer that I thought I did well; it wasn’t that hard for me.  He told me that the run that I thought was easy should have been one of the worst runs so we agreed I should do it over…and I did…and…WOW!  It was horrible, I was a mess, the heat got to me, the run got to me but I felt good because I got through it, I finished it, and that’s what’s most exciting to me. I sent an email to my trainer to let  him know how horrible it was…a great kind of horrible that is, he was right, I certainly didn’t feel the same way I did the first time as I did the second time haha.  I am beginning to learn how it feels to push myself when running.  It’s sort of a different feeling than I’m used to.

This morning I had to do a 40 minute run.  So my friend and I headed out at 7AM to do it.  We walked over a mile and talked then decided to start running.  I was so determined to run the full 40 minutes and I did; I was actually excited about it.  I kept up well with my friend for a short while then we both found our pace.  My pace wasn’t fast, but it was steady.  I didn’t stop or walk once.  My breathing was good, my legs were fine, and I had absolutely no reason to stop, so I just kept going.  At one point I looked at the time and I had just about 3 minutes left to run.  I got so excited I started to have a little bit of an anxiety attack and that threw my breathing off.  I thought to myself, “Hell no this can’t happen now!”  So I focused on my breathing, took a deep breath, and finished up the run. 

I can’t believe how much my perspective about running has changed.  I’m at a point where I can see improvements and I am actually looking forward to the next run to see how it goes.  I am, by no means, a great runner, but I am more of a runner now than I ever thought I would be and I can’t wait to see how much better I am by the time the half marathon rolls around!

Today was definitely a feel good kind of day.

Remember last week when I said my running was getting easier?  Well, I may have overestimated.  I spoke to my trainer Tuesday about the run and he “suggested” I do it over haha…so that’s what I did today.  He told me I needed to push as hard as I could, so I did.  My conclusion, my running isn’t quite as good as I thought haha, BUT it is so much better than it was.

I did an interval run today; 1 minute run with a 1 minute rest, 9 times…sounds easy, right?  Not so much.  The first time I did it I paced myself, this time I ran as hard as I could.  OH MY GOODNESS!  I thought I was going to meet my maker. My friend Traci and I did it together.  I was able to keep up with her the first few rounds then I started to slow down.  Plus we did it at about 1 PM when it was 99 degrees out…pure stupidity.  But we did it and lived to tell about it.  Granted, I was on the verge of throwing up, sweating profusely, and had the shakes for a little while.  I went up to my room, sat down, and fell asleep for about an hour and a half.  We both were pretty proud of ourselves J.My next run is a 40 minute run.  That’s going to be tough for me but I’m looking forward to seeing how well I do.

We had a date night tonight with Traci and her son and Nick and I.  We went to Outback for dinner then went to go see Captain America (Awesome movie! Can’t wait until May 2012).  Traci is training for the full marathon and has a trainer who is working with her.  She is struggling with her eating so he had a serious heart to heart with her.  She is determined to stay on track now.  So she and I decided to split a meal when we went out to eat.  We both did great, no bread, no salad with dressing, no Blooming Onion.  We had tenderloin, green beans, grilled shrimp, and a baked sweet potato, plain and we drank lots of water.

I’m determined to get over this weight loss obstacle that I keep running into.  When I weigh next Friday I’m hoping to see a 2-3 pound difference.  I’m excited about my progress and the way I feel. I want to hang on to this feeling as long as I can so working hard is a must…and it’s all paying off.

It was a pretty good day today, although a few things at work through me off.  I didn’t sleep well last night, I’m trying to figure out why every 5^th night or so I get a pretty good night’s sleep.  I’ve been trying to go to bed at 11 and that seems to be helping a little bit but I am still exhausted during the day.  I was driving home this evening and while stopped at a red light I actually nodded off…terrible.

Not sure what to do with this.  I received some good advice from a friend so I will have to follow through on her suggestions.  I’m do for a physical and all that other fun stuff so if anything is going on, other than stress, I’ll find out…I hope.

Our workouts this week were pretty great. My arms are killing me tonight!  My eating has been real good to. I’m actually looking forward to repeating a run from week 4 and completing week 5 of my running plan this weekend.  I won’t be weighing myself this weekend; I decided to keep it to every 2 weeks.

We have a pretty busy weekend ahead of us.  We have friends coming in from NC.  Should be lots of fun, we are really looking forward to it.  I’ll have sneak in some nap time somewhere in there haha.

I still have lots on my mind, still doubting some decisions and sort of confused.  Just pushing through all this and trying to be patient with myself and some others. 

I’m trying pretty hard to keep the stress off my face but every once in a while I get caught with it on. I don’t want it to be noticeable and I don’t want to bring others down so I think it’s best for me to remove myself from some things for a while or for that moment so I don’t have a negative effect on anyone else. For example, after the workout today one of the ladies said something like “Maria looks so happy”, I know she wasn’t being mean, she just caught me deep in thought about something and made that comment.  I remember when people used to say more positive things about my presence.  At one point it was fun, and nice to have me around and since that’s the way I prefer it, I think removing myself will help me be more aware so I won’t bring anyone down or add tension.

Realization: Changing My Focus to the Obvious, Finally!

I think I may have learned something new about myself during Bible Study.  It sort of hit me hard.  I’m not sure if I had a noticeable reaction but I almost went into my shut down mode.  I tried to avoid it; I think it may have worked.

I often, way too often, get hung up on helping people, pleasing people, and wanting to desperately be needed by people.  I need this to make me feel good about myself.  Nothing brings me happiness more than when I am able to help someone or do something for them.  I feel as though I’m worth something when someone comes to me for help.  If someone doesn’t come to me for help or is hesitant, I often become confused; maybe even insulted, I don’t understand why anyone would feel like they couldn’t ask me for anything. 

The flipside of this is when I become upset about how I feel I am treated at times.  I, again, get hung up on feeling like I need people, at times, and when I do I feel as though there isn’t always someone there for me.  I question, “Why am I so willing to be there for others, yet I feel, at times, no one is there for me?”  AND, in actuality there are people there I’m just to busy shutting down for them to realize I may need them.

I realized a short while ago that this is me playing the victim, feeling sorry for myself, etc.  This is something I am working hard on and I think I’ve made some progress.  I even catch myself doing it these days haha.

What I realized tonight is that the help I’ve been giving is to satisfy myself.  It’s to satisfy my own needs. I realized how selfish I am and that what I do to help others may possibly be more for myself then for others.  Most importantly, I realized what I am doing that’s completely wrong and if I correct this, it may very well change so many negatives in my life to positives. 

Starting now, whatever I do, whoever I help, it will be for God and those who He sets before me.  My focus will be God and what he wants me to do for others, not what I want or need for me.

Today had a real tough start.  I walked into work and immediately received an email about an employee who had to go out of town because his 2 year old granddaughter died.  At first they believed she drowned but later on in the day we heard that she may have been bitten by a snake and became disoriented and wondered near the pool.  I have such a hard time understanding death.  I’ve struggled with it since elementary school.  But when I child dies I am so baffled.  It so hard to understand why.  Being a mom, I almost instantly go into how the parents must feel.   The thought makes me so sad and I literally want to throw up.  Please pray for this family tonight.

This pretty much threw off my day.  I pretty much lost track of time haha which wasn’t so bad because it seemed like the morning flew by.  I only realized what time it was when I walked into the lunch room to see a group of boot campers getting started with their workout.  For some reason I was taken back and thought crap I need to change.

My head cleared up after my workout but I felt so tired.  Once I got home and sat down I kept dosing off and falling in and out of what seemed to be a deep sleep.  It was kind of weird. I’m feeling a bit better now, still tired, but holding out on going to sleep for at least another hour so I can sleep past 4.

Poor Justin had a terrible blotchy rash on his legs when I got home.  He said it didn’t bother him but it bothered me.  Rashes make me nervous ever since we were at the pediatrician and a child, who came in with rash, was asked not to walk through the waiting room.  They met him at the back door and brought him directly to an exam room.

My plan was to take him to the doctor, but it slowly started to clear up.  Just keeping an eye on it now to make sure it doesn’t get any worse.

My eating was a bit off today.  Well maybe just the schedule was off.  I didn’t eat enough and my meals weren’t too balanced. I’m chalking that one up to poor planning.  My workout was pretty good; we worked on abs today to…OUCH!!!  My stomach can’t handle the pain haha.  I’m hoping it will all pay off…I’m sure it is working I just can’t see what’s going on behind this mess of a torso I currently have.

I’m starting to get excited about my progress again…I saw some people this evening who notices a difference.  I feel a difference, I don’t see it on me; I feel it in my clothes though.  I had on a pair of pants today that were extra baggy on me.  I was so excited when I put them on J  It’s the little things that make me happy.  I’m approaching that damn hump that I have NOT been able to get over in like 16 years.  If I can do this, this time, it will be a magical moment for me.  I’m fighting harder for myself this time.  I have got to do this once and for all!

So many things going through my mind right now.  It was a good, busy weekend.  So excited for lots of friends and their kids who swam in the city meets tonight.  Awesome, amazing kids!  We even have a group of friends who won are the State Champs for little league baseball.  They are headed to Alabama for more soon…Little League World Series next?  How awesome would that be?  TJ and I love to hear all these exciting things, especially when it comes to kids.

Joe had an end of the season cast party tonight.  I am just loving the group of people we are getting to know.  Everyone is so kind and welcoming.  We had lots of great conversations today while the kids all had a blast together. 

Got a run in today!  I’m feeling pretty good about my progress.  I felt so comfortable running today.  The weather was beautiful and the little bit of weight I lost made a difference.  That’s 4 weeks down, 16 to go.  I so curious to see what things will be like by the time the half marathon rolls around.

Still unsure if some decisions I made were right.  I’m feeling confused about some who seemed so strong in their faith, who preach to and try to guide others yet they seem to live such a different life.  It makes me feel sad and doubtful; not about God, but about them.  I feel like I’m seeing this more often than not lately.  It’s so disheartening for me.

SUCCESS!

Last night I was debating, alone, with no one other than myself.  I debated before bed, when I woke up this morning (at3:35AM), and during the drive to work.  What was I debating with myself about?  Should I weigh myself today?  A part of me felt confident that I lost weight because my eating this week was great.  Another part of me was scared to because my eating was so good this week and if I didn’t lose I would be discouraged.  Well I’m excited to say, I won this debate J  I weighed in.

I created a spread sheet so I would be able to log the results from my runs.  I am curious to see how much my running improves and how much weight I will lose through the duration of the running plan which is 20 weeks.  This weekend I will complete running for week 4.  From the beginning to week 1 to the beginning of week 4 I lost 12.5 lbs. WOW!!!  What a shock, such a great surprise.  Praise God for giving me the strength to make such great progress over the last few weeks!

I have this strong sense of renewal.  I feel successful again.  I am so close to a goal that I have been in arm’s length of a few times.  But for some reason when I get so close I go into this self-sabotaging mode.  I begin to panic, which leads to binging.  I think about what my life was like when I was at a decent weight and I get so scared that history will repeat itself.  I retreat….I run….I eat.  Then, I cry, I become that “victim” all over again.  I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is fine.  I crave sympathy but no matter how much I get, it’s never enough…so I eat more.  I try to get a grip; I smile so no one can see my pain but there’s someone who always does.  When that happens, I laugh it off and convince them that everything is fine, and they believe me.  Then there’s that person who doesn’t believe me; who knows something is wrong and makes me realize I need to deal with whatever it is that’s haunting me.  It’s a crazy cycle that reoccurs all too often.

 My prayer is that it stops this time.  I just need some more strength to get myself through this crucial point.  I need to get over that hurdle I keep running towards but always trip over and fall flat on my face.

I just don’t want to fall anymore…it hurts to much and recovery takes to long…

Today was a much better day than yesterday.  It was fairly quiet, hectic at times, but all in all it was okay.  I’m giving up on my sleep issues and just accepting the fact that waking up at 3AM is now the norm for me.  There’s no point in stressing over it anymore; I can’t afford to lose sleep over losing sleep haha.  This is ridiculous, but I have to share the side effects I’m experiencing right now from the stress I am experiencing right now:

·         hair loss

·         fever sore

·         digestive issues

·         losing sleep

·         scatter-brain J

This is just crazy!!

We have a very busy weekend ahead of us; I’m looking forward to all the activities and friends we will be with.  I just need to focus on eating well.

With that said…eating was great today, we even grabbed something out tonight and I did real well. My workout went well to.  The group I worked out with today blew through it and had lots of fun doing it.  I’m due to weigh tomorrow.  I’m debating on whether or not I should.  I did so well this week; I’m just afraid the scale won’t reflect it.  I don’t particularly care for the scale but it’s an accountability tool for me right now.  I’ll see how I’m feeling about it tomorrow.

Disconnected...

What started out as a good day ended with me completely disconnecting.  The end result, adding to the list of people I need to pray for.

I woke up early this morning, UGH!  Just when I thought things were getting better I wake up.  The sleep loss, along with the stress, is beginning to take its toll on me mentally and physically.  I feel so drained.  There were so many different things going on at once that I kept forgetting what I was working on and where I left off.  It was not a good day for me to attempt to multi task haha

Diet was great today, workout was good to.  I definitely feel a difference when I am consistent with diet and exercise.  My knee felt better today so I think I’ll put off going to the chiropractor for another week. The weekend is approaching and it makes me nervous.  We are planning a girl’s night out so I am going to plan a cheat night.  We are going to a seafood place so I shouldn’t have to stray too far from healthy eating. 

We are heading out for Shelly’s birthday!  It should be a blast.  We are all looking forward to it.  Shelly is doing the same half marathon I am but she is killing that running plan.  She’s amazing and absolutely inspires me. 

It’s going to be a real busy weekend, birthday party, sleep overs, and end of the season get together…that’s just for the kids, we have some adult things to do as well.  I’m going to have to plan a few naps throughout if I don’t get the sleep I need…not that napping is a bad thing J

Lots of exciting things coming up; I’m focusing on all the god things and distracting myself from the negative as much as I can.  It’s a struggle but it’s sort of working J

I had some great plans today!  I was going to come home, straighten up the house, workout, and take the boys to the pool.  All that came to a screeching halt when I went up to my room sat on my bed and fell asleep for over an hour.  I woke up surprised at the time.  What the heck?  I hardly ever fall asleep like that.  It was great to catch up on some sleep though; yet I am still exhausted.  I slept okay last night, still woke up but fell back to sleep after an hour or so.  I think my stress levels are lower mainly because some things are just standing still at the moment.  I think that’s why my sleep is a bit better.  Although my sweet husband did ask me if I was losing my hair again…which is exactly what’s happening…I’m praying this one thing will not linger too long.

My knee has really been bothering me today.  I think it’s time to visit the chiropractor.  He worked wonders with my shoulder…even though he inflicted more pain haha.  The stuff I’m doing on my own is definitely making a difference, but I think if he works on it will make a much bigger difference.  I’ll continue to do what I’m doing but will see how it feels over the next few days.  Besides that, I’m sort of nervous about what he will do…I know whatever it is, it’s going to hurt real bad.

I had another good day with my eating J  We even stopped at Krispy Kreme to meet some friends after the boys were done with vacation bible school, and I literally had a bite of a donut.  I felt so good about that.  For me to be able to resist while stressed and losing sleep over something is a HUGE step for me. 

Tonight the boys attended vacation bible school for the first time.  They LOVED it!  They learned lots of great things and played lots of games.  When we picked them up they were soaked with water and covered in slime, pancake batter, and watermelon.  They are really looking forward to going back tomorrow evening.  I love that they are so interested in learning about God and they even understand the message, which is something they never did get from our other church.  Thank you God!!

Today we had a pretty nice day.  My time at work went by so quickly; I headed straight home so I could take the boys to the pool before Justin’s therapy sessions.  Justin and I did laps in the pool together.  It was actually fun.  He is doing so well with his swimming this year.  We just kicked while doing laps, no arms, which was really a challenge.

After I dropped Justin off at therapy my friend Traci, her son Jonathan and I did some running.  HOLY CRAP!!! I thought I was going to throw up and pass out.  It was way too hot and humid.  We did okay with it, we did our best, had some fun with it, and finished it!

I was done after that run haha.  Right after that I picked up Justin, came home, made dinner, ate, showered, and here I am in bed early again.  The todays run took its toll on my knee for some reason.  No doubt it was my form being off.  I felt sluggish and I wasn’t lite on my feet for most of the running.  So right after my shower I used the lacrosse ball to loosen my legs up before I sat down and they really tightened up.  In a little while Ill finish up with the foam roller.

I think I’ve been doing a pretty good job of keeping my stress under control.  I slept okay last night.  I woke up for a little while but was able to fall back to sleep for a couple of hours….without any medication J  I’m hoping I will be able to sleep well tonight to.

My eating was okay today. It was so hot, especially after running, that I barely had an appetite.  I drank lots of water today; I easily hit my gallon quota for the day.  I’ve been feeling pretty good about my eating lately.  I just need to master the weekends and I should be able to drop weight like crazy.

I was talking to someone who is planning on having some surgery done since she lost lots of weight.  She suggested I go for a consultation just to find out what I would need to have done, how much it would cost, etc.  I’m actually considering scheduling a consultation.  I know doing this is the inevitable, with another 50-60 pounds to lose I am already experiencing some problems. 

The odd thing about this is when I think about the excess skin and the effects it has I literally get sick to my stomach.  I never felt physically sick about being morbidly obese.  But then again, until I lost all this weight and looked at old pictures, I honestly didn’t realize how tremendous I was.  I know I was huge but I never realized the extent of my hugeness haha.

Anyway, my plan is to just have excess skin removed and move things back into place.  I’m not planning on anything foreign being placed in my body (sorry TJ J).  It should be interesting…it’s something I’m leery about, but I can’t imagine how horrible I’ll look once I lose all this fat and don’t do anything about the excess skin…YUCK!

Here's to a peaceful end of the weekend...and hopefully just as peaceful through the upcoming week

Been in my PJ’s and sitting in bed since 615…I’m exhausted; I just want to curl up and go to sleep.  It was a nice day, not too much went on.  I was able to sleep in for a while this morning, TJ made us all breakfast (than lunch and dinner, he’s amazing), we made a family trip to Target, came home watched some soccer, went for my run, now, here I sit.

The running is going okay.  I’m struggling through it but I’m doing it and finishing it so in my mind I’m successful and I have to admit, that I don’t have that sense of dread when it comes time to do it. I’m pushing myself through and not giving up like I did in that past.  So far after each run I feel pretty good.  I still have a long way to go, but my mind set has definitely changed. J

My knee has been swollen for a good part of the day and makes this cute little clicking noise.  I was hesitant to do my run but I wasn’t in any pain so I figured it would be okay, and it was.  Icing and rolling has been working real well so far.

I’m looking forward to a good week but still unsure about some changes I am making.  I’m praying that it all works out okay.  I feel like I disappointed a few wonderful people but they are all being so supportive and understanding.  I’m so blessed to have these people in my life J

We were making plans today for a weekend in North Carolina the end of August.  I am doing The Warrior Dash with a few friends.  It's a run with about 12 obstacles throughout.  From what I hear it’s not too bad haha…sure!  Whatever it is, it should be lots of fun.  I’ve been so focused on the half marathon that I forgot about the Warrior Dash.  I’m hoping that my regular workouts and my running plan will have me prepared for this.  I guess we will find out soon enough J

Good day today…busy, I think I might just be able to sleep all night I’m so tired J  Started the day with a workout that made me feel sick to my stomach.  The humidity was horrible!  After that I headed home and cleaned up the house with lots of help from my boys.  Nick had some friends over; we hung out, ate dinner, relaxed and watched a cute movie.  Got to love a simple, fun day!

My day was made when I dressed this morning and realized that my pants were getting baggy on (again).  I was so excited!  It’s such a wonderful feeling.  PROGRESS is so encouraging for me.  I’m looking forward to running tomorrow; I was hoping to get some in today but by the time I had a chance to the rain was coming down hard. So, I have lots of catch up work to do.

Thanks to so many of you who have been concerned about my lack of sleep.  There has been an outpouring of love and sleep aids J  I have 4 different ones right now.  I feel like the neighbor who just moved in and everyone is dropping off “welcome to the neighborhood” desserts except my dessert is in the form of medication haha.  I have truly been blessed with some awesome pill pushers in my life J

I was also encouraged by a friend today to go get an MRI on my knee; others have encouraged me to do the same for my shoulder.  This getting old thing sucks!  I’m not so sure I’m ready for an MRI, for now I’ll just deal with the cute little clicking noise in my knee and the sudden sharp pain and spasm  that goes with it in my shoulder…I’m having way to much fun to deal with any issues that would interfere with my workouts right now.

Keeping lots of people in my prayers this week.  One being my trainer and the group he is traveling with through this next week; I’m amazed at what’s happening in his life right now.  He’s a great person who has poured himself into so many people through nutrition and fitness training.  Now he’s embarking on a whole new adventure that has taken off so quickly.  He’s in Honduras on a last minute mission trip filming for a non-profit organization.  It’s amazing to see how visible God’s work is when you have someone in your life that completely opens his heart up to Him and accepts and executes Gods plan. Watching this happen has strengthened my faith so much; this is all such a blessing.  I’m praying for his safety and that he has a wonderful trip.  Please keep him and his group in your prayers this week.

I’m really loving Fridays and getting out of work early!  We were supposed to head to the beach again but the weather was not permitting.  Instead we went to the movies to see Zookeeper.  It was pretty funny, the kids loved it.  I really enjoyed spending some time with Valerie, her mom, and lots of little boys.

I gave a lot of thought to a couple of things and made a tough decision to make some changes that I’m praying are short term. I hate it, but I really believe this is the best thing right now.

Looking forward to a relaxing weekend and praying for peace of mind, sleep, family and friends.

The ability to sleep the last couple of weeks has diminished quite a bit.  I woke up at 1:00 AM this morning.  I really wanted to cry.  I didn’t think I would fall back to sleep, but I did, at 530 AM, 30 minutes before I have to get up…UGH that was the worst thing that could have happened.  Apparently my new sleep pattern is to sleep about 3 hours then wake.

I was exhausted today; I felt like I was dragging all day.  At one point I almost fell asleep at my desk.  I’m not sure how I got through my workout.  I think at that point I may have been delirious; I lost track of what I was doing, I was completely confused. There was nothing I could do but laugh at myself.

I’m sitting here barely able to keep my eyes open.  But if I go to sleep now Ill wake up by 1030 haha.  I’m a mess J  A friend of mine came by and dropped of some Melatonin; she said to try half so we’ll see how that goes.  Most medications that state they may make you drowsy usually have the opposite effect on me.

Even with being so tired, today was a pretty good day.  I can’t think of anything negative happening…it was a MUCH better day then yesterday.  It was pretty productive and I had a few good laughs throughout the day.

Although I was pooped and confused during my workout, it was one that I liked.  I would have liked it even more if I was using a lighter medicine ball.  But, after all was said and done, I felt good about completing the workout with the heavier weight.  It’s been a while since I worked with heavier weights but this week was different.  It felt real good to be challenged, accept that challenge without a sense of dread, and complete the workouts.  Now I just need to practice smiling through my workouts ha-ha…that’s going to be a tough one for me since I feel like I have no control over my facial expressions but I will make a conscience effort to do so. 

I’m looking forward to the weekend.  We are hit’n the beach again tomorrow, Nicks having 3 of his friends over, I need to complete weeks 2 and 3 of my running plan, and make sure I stay on track with my eating and we will hopefully have some time to relax and catch up on some sleep.

I did a pretty good job of distracting myself from some issues today.  There’s one particular issue that is weighing heavy on my mind; I believe that and the lack of sleep is beginning to toy with my emotions.  This is causing me to react, over react, cry, internalize things, ummm what else…I think that’s it.  If I think of anything else I’ll let you know J Anyway, I’m looking forward for this to end so I can move forward...and possibly get some sleep.

I have a 12 year old…wow; I can’t believe it!  I remember the day he was born; it was the most amazing day of my life.  My emotions were all over the place (haha, surprise).  I never experienced more of an undeserving feeling like I did that day.  After all I’ve been through and all I gave up I never thought the day would come when I would be able to embrace my own child. He was the sweetest looking little thing ever…even though he was hairy and looked a bit Asian.  He even had little forceps marks on his little head.

Poor Nick had so many struggles throughout his life but I believe it all had molded him into the fine young man he is today.  I’m really looking forward to watching him blossom into a teenager (I think) haha.  He is one of the best gifts God has given me.

Today has certainly been a day of reflection for me.  So much to think about, so much to work on; it seems to be never ending and exhausting at times.  No doubt I cause the never endingness and exhaustion myself therefore I know that I have the ability to continue change.  I wish self-improvement was instantaneous; what I wouldn’t do for that at this point.

Since I’ve started losing weight changes were constant.  There were so many more positive changes than negative, tons of positive changes.  But it was the few negative aspects and my fears that came out of those changes that are so pronounced and seem to linger and interfere with things.  Move forward I will as I pray for patience with myself and that others find it in them to be patient with me.  I need sleep to; that is not helping anything at all.  Is even to the point where TJ told me I need to take something to help me sleep. 

My eating was good, I did have a piece of cake for Nick’s birthday but it was small.  Drank my water and got lots of exercise going back and forth to the bathroom.  I’m feeling sort of proud of this.  It feels so good to be back on track. Today’s workout was a good, tough one, I did okay with it.  I could have done better so I’ll just have to push harder tomorrow.  My knee has been bothering me for a while now.  But for some reason it barely bothered me today J  what a relief!  There was something about that sumo deadlift high pull/squat press workout from yesterday that worked wonders for me.

Just a quick update on our fitness challenge at work.  Although we don’t know who the winner is, we do know that over 104lbs was lost collectively. WOW!!!  I’m so excited!  I’m trying to come up with a way to keep the motivation going…would love to keep everyone engaged and to keep moving towards their goals!!

C-H-A-O-S...I think that's what makes the world go round.

Today was a bit crazy…seems like lots chaos happened as soon as the day began.  Nothing big, no emergencies, just lots of little things one right after the other….and its overflowing into tonight.  I think sleep may be the perfect escape J

In between the chaos, I went to the beach with the boys to spend some time with friends.  It was so nice and relaxing.  The boys had lots of fun.  I think I might actually begin to like the beach.  We were there two times in 3 days.  That’s more than I went last summer I think haha.  I just need to get some things out of my head about what’s happened in my past and I think just might be fine with it.

Eating this weekend was challenging but I did okay.  Sunday and Monday I did real until we were with friends who had tons of food.  I ate but didn’t overdo it and I drank lots of water.  Got right back on track today…ate great and drank my gallon of water.

I was sort of bummed today when it was confirmed that I did not do the 2^nd part of my running properly.  I shorted myself of the distance and didn’t time it right…haha.  It was a pretty good work out after all so I’m really not that disappointed at all.   So, I need to work on that this week and still give myself enough time to do what’s required for week 3.

We just completed a 6 month challenge at work!  Although we have to determine who the winner is, the challenge proved to be a success.  People are looking and feeling good!  I am so proud of everyone for their hard work and dedication.  I’m really looking forward to finding out who won this!

I’m still feeling pretty good about myself, my progress over the past couple of weeks, and that I have been keeping my emotions in line during an extremely stressful time.  I’m looking forward to this chapter in my life ending and moving forward…I’m praying it’s a quick chapter, not one of long drawn out ones.  J

A perfect day for the beach!  There was a nice warm breeze; the sun was hot but not unbearable.  The water was warm and the waves were gentle.   The boys had so much fun riding the waves in.  We had a wonderful time celebrating Williams 9^th birthday.  We spent a nice day with friends and had a delicious dinner while meeting our hot dog quota J We ended the night with a fabulous walk on the beach with the kids.

Today started with a lite breakfast, worked on loosening some muscles then went for a 20 minute run.  I wasn’t thrilled about how far I got in that 20 minutes, but I am real excited to compare the first 7 weeks of my running program to the 2^nd 7 weeks of the program.  I’m really looking forward to seeing the time and distance differences. My eating was great all day but dinner turned out to be my cheat meal.  Tomorrow morning will begin the same way.  I’m hoping the run goes much better than kit went today.

I’m looking forward to a relaxing day with the family then a nice evening with friends.  Wishing everyone a safe and Happy 4^th of July!

Moving Forward and Making Progress

So far the weekend has been amazing!  What a great way to end a good week!  Joe had his final performance of the season this weekend.  He did so well.  His wonderful personality just shines through when he is up on stage. The first night of the Joe was great…the 2^nd night, much much better.

We had lots of friends come to see the show; Joe was so excited, he was beaming when I told him who was there to watch him.  I can’t thank everyone enough for coming out to support him.

Although I thought Joe did great in his first performance, I saw so much improvement in this last one.  The Charleston Youth Company has done such amazing work with him.  The talent that these kids display is just incredible.  We are so grateful to be a part of the CYC family.

I’m getting ready to run!  I’m on week 2 of my running plan.  Week 1 was good…week 2, well we will find out in just a little while.  I’m actually having lots of fun with it.  TJ and Joe were out there with me last weekend.  TJ timed me and Joe rode his bike and encouraged me. 

Preparing for this run is keeping me on track with my eating.  I had an amazing “eating and drinking week”.  I dropped 8 lbs.!!!  When I got on that scale I just wanted to scream.  I worked hard at it and it all paid off. I know that the more weight I lose the easier this run will be.

We ended a fitness challenge at work this week that started in January.  So far, the people that weighed in did great!  Some did better than I thought.  It’s so exciting to see the progress.  I only lost about 15 lbs. This was disappointing to me only because I allowed myself to get caught up in my emotional eating. But that’s behind me now…I’m moving forward and doing well.

Being back on track and losing weight again makes me want to tell the world.  It’s such a good feeling.  I just won’t let myself get excited because I’ve been stuck in this “yo-yo” stage for so long. 

For instance, I was so excited about how well the few people who weighed in at work did in the challenge I emailed our trainer to share the great news yet I didn’t include my own results.  Is it exciting?  Yes, but its old news; it’s happened before…a few times before.  There is a point that I know I need to reach; when I reach that point I will be out of my “yo-yo” stage.  I want that day to come soon and when it does, you may just hear me scream and at that point you may not be able to shut me up about how well I’m doing and how great I feel. J  So in the meantime, I’ll keep doing what I am doing and working hard at keeping my emotions in check.

My emotions are the problem.  It’s not that I don’t know what to do, it’s not that I don’t think I can’t do it, I can, I have done it….and I will do it again.