Today overall was a good day. There’s been lots and lots of craziness, silliness, and unusual happenings so far this week. For one thing, I decided to stop using someone who was helping me. The program he had me on, although it made sense and seemed manageable, did not work for me. I went into deprivation mode and relapse into my old dieting habits which is something I worked very hard to get away from. I put too much pressure on myself and expected too much from this.
I felt good the first few days on the program then before I knew it I was having stomach issues and starting to become very insecure. I know that when my insecurities kick in things can only get worse for and stay that way for a while.
Over the last few days I’ve been focusing on getting back to Paleo basics. Eating as I should with no deprivation. Brent and I had a pretty good talk today about trying to understand why I “fall off the wagon” especially when I know how much this could alter my life if I don’t take care of myself. I wish I knew that answer. I can’t understand why I can be so dedicated to my health and determined to reach my goals then within a day turn that all around and throw all my hard work away. I told him anything I try to explain is only going to sound like an excuse, which he agreed with ha-ha. I don’t want to make excuses anymore. It’s a bad habit that I have been working myself away from so I would kind of just stand there and not say much of anything…only because I don’t want to make excuses for myself.
I’m going to fall again at some point, the key is to get back up and not look back. I still struggle with thinking back to the summer time and how well I was doing when I received this MS diagnosis. I could kick myself for allowing it to throw me off my game.
Moving forward (again) I am feeling good about the conversation Brent and I had today and, although I hate that I had to take a step back from the doctor I was seeing, I think it will be the best thing for me. My focus is going back to what I was doing when I was successful, prior to my diagnosis. Making my workouts more challenging AND to ignore my leg during the workout and pushing through the odd pains I experience. It’s also time to put more focus on weight loss. I took that out of the equation assuming that the weight would come off with my healthy eating. I think taking this part of the plan out when I was diagnosed was part of the reason I failed.
I’m also looking forward to going to MUSC a week from Thursday for a second opinion. I am going to see the MS specialist over there. I am praying that he recognizes that this diagnosis is not accurate and that if it was an accurate diagnosis that I don’t allow it to bring me down.
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