Such A Chaotic Hump Day

This day ended with a BIG sigh.  It was non-stop from the second I woke up.  Lots of meetings equated to low production and no workouts L  Tomorrow will consist of 4 more meetings….UGH!!!  But I’m going to make sure I get my workout in.  Missing my workouts throw off my day so much.    

My stress level was still pretty high today.  I maintained my smile for a little while but I just couldn’t hold out the entire day haha.  I did well with praying and breathing through it though.  2 out of 3 isn’t so bad…right?  I will get through this craziness and I’m going to fight like hell so it doesn’t interfere with my eating.  I’m tired of this, I’ve had enough.  I’m so much stronger than I give myself credit for.  So, if you see me having a meltdown, just SLAP me and tell me to get a grip…please…thank you!

My eating was good today, not perfect but good.  We did lunch at this really good pizza place near work and I had the eggplant…YUM!  Breakfast, snack, and dinner were perfect though.  Water intake wasn’t quite a gallon but close to it.  It was hard to drink it since I was away from my desk so much today.

Hmmm…what’s going on with the family?  Oh, have I mentioned how great TJ is still doing on his diet lately?  I’m so excited for him! Joe has his performance this weekend.  I can’t wait to see it.  He’s very excited to.  Nick and Justin are just hanging out, doing summer assignments for school and doing chores.  I must say, I loved it the other day when I came home and Justin brought all the laundry down and sorted it…correctly!  Now to teach him how to work the washing machine.  My brother is in the hospital; he had a bad diverticulitis attack but is doing much much better today.  Hopefully he will be home tomorrow.  Other than that everyone is doing well…as far as I know.

Stress, Stress Go Away, Come Again Another Day...

Stress, stress, stress…HATE IT!  But I handled it so well today.  I sort of feel proud of how well I handled it.  I’m focusing on breathing, smiling, and praying right through it.  I truly believe it's because of doing this, my day turned out to be great!

There was lots to be done to prepare for 4 big meetings I have tomorrow, some unusual work related problems, and some dealings with that one personal stress factor that may just send me over the edge if I think too much about it.  Good conversation and a few laughs with co-workers and friends really helped to ease the stress A LOT.

I was reading Harpers Facebook page this afternoon; she had a tracheotomy done today.  Ugh…I just wanted to cry for her.  It took everything I had not to.  Later on, I was telling my boss about it and nearly lost it then.  It broke my heart to read that she had to go through that. Please pray hard for her.  We are all taking time to pray for her every day at 4PM. 

So when I have successfully defeated my stress and kept my emotions in check the day always ends on a good note.  My eating was great!  I had a business dinner to attend and was starving by the time we arrived at the restaurant.  I was afraid of what my choice may end up being.  I had a salad, Salmon with veggies and rice.  95% of the rice came home.  It was so good but I resisted it, I feel so good about that. Today’s workout was TOUGH!  We did, what felt like, a thousand squats and, with a 20lb. Medicine ball, we had to go from ground to overhead.  My legs were burning!  One thing I struggle with is working through that burning pain.  I have to stop and shake off that feeling then start over again.  I am blown away by people who can to so many squats unbroken.  As for the water, I drank over a gallon today; I thought I was going to drown haha.

Remember to keep Harper in your prayers. She also has her own facebook page so you can keep up with her.  The name of it is “Hugs for Harper”.   Also praying for my brother

who has been in a lot of pain the last couple of days and is running a high fever.

A Lesson in Life Taught By An Eleven Year Old...And She Doesn't Even Know It

Even with the lack of sleep the day has been great!  Its been very productive, workout was fun, and my eating was real good.  I've been feeling good about me.

I've been searching for some inspiration and I have found it!  Been thinking about and praying for a sweet girl who is battling cancer.  I've been comparing my non-life threatening issues to what she is dealing with.  While thinking about all this I actually felt disgusted with myself.

Here's this beautiful 11 year old who has been fighting for over year and has to start all over again.  She has such courage and always seems to be smiling.  Here I am, hung up on a few things and stressing over something that won't take my life.

The sad thing is I know so many people like this, like me.  It seems so wrong; it interferes with life and brings so many people down.  Clearly life is too short for this non-sense.

So after all this thinking I did, I realized that I have almost relapsed into full eating disorder mode. I was paranoid about how much I was eating, I was binging way to much, I was obsessing over everything I know I should not obsess about.

Here's the good thing...I recognized it fairly quickly. I prayed about it and that made such a HUGE difference. I prayed for peace of mind and stregnth and it happened almost instantaneously.

I think about this sweet girl with cancer and I can't help but wonder why I allow myself to become so self-consumed.  I can't allow this to happen...that's not the kind of person I want to be.

So back to smiling I go...and this time, it's a genuine smile.

Just Love Feeling Content...

It’s only Sunday afternoon and I am so content with how nice and productive this weekend was.  Saturday morning was a little rough; we were sorting out an issue and stressing over it big time.  The stress from this one thing is eating at me.  I’m allowing it to affect everything in my life and I need to figure out how to stop it.  I know, at some point, things will be settled, but it won’t be for a while.  I’m praying and pushing my way through it but there will be hurdles and breakdowns along the way.

Once that was over everything went well.  Nick and I took Joe to rehearsal for his show next weekend.  After that he and I were able to spend some fun time together talking and shopping for a gift for his friend Seth’s birthday party.  Once we were done, we headed home, I grabbed something to eat, and then TJ and I headed out to pick up Joe and did some food shopping.  TJ and I had fun with Joe; he was so funny.  He is always so excited when he is done with rehearsal.  He was a big help when we were shopping.

Once Nick headed to the party and TJ went out to the store, Joe, Justin, and I went to the pool to meet my friend Valerie and her son Trevor.  We had such a nice afternoon.  The boys had lots of fun and Valerie, her mom, and I was able to get in some good girl time.

After the pool we headed home, did dinner, cleaned up and relaxed the rest of the evening.  I was exhausted.  I fell asleep early only to wake up and stay up for a while…just hate when this happens.

Today we started with run #2 of the running plan…WOW!  Problem number 1, it was already too hot!  But I did it, got it done, and felt okay about it.  My friend Traci came by just as I finished and her, TJ and I sat and talked for a while.  We talked a lot about our eating and exercise.  Traci is doing the full marathon while I do the half in November.  We also spent time talking about a sweet little girl named Harper who turned 11 today and they are having a huge birthday party for her.  This is an amazingly strong courageous young lately who has successfully been battling a rare form of cancer for over a year.  After scans this week they found out she has multiple tumors and will need more treatments.  This battle will be even harder for her.  She will need to fight harder than before.  But we have faith, we are praying for her.  Yet we can’t help but cry for her and her family not knowing what the outcome will be.  Whatever it is, she has inspired and continues to inspire many.  Please keep her and her family in your prayers.  I am hoping this is the most spectacular birthday ever for her and she enjoys it to no end!!

So, since I was already all nasty and sweaty from my run, I grabbed the lawn mower and did some yard work…as it got hotter…YIKES what was I thinking?  I came in cleaned up seasoned a chicken for dinner, hit the shower and made lunch for my boys…now here I am, feeling like I accomplished much and feeling very blessed.

My eating has been pretty good this week.  Brent and I had a conversation about not eating enough.  He can see that I am not eating enough from my workouts.  Between not eating and drinking enough, stress, and the heat I felt weak.  After our conversation Wednesday I made a few changes and feel much better.  I was looking forward to his beach workout on Saturday knowing that a few of the ladies from our work boot camp would be going.  But by Friday night my shins were hurting bad and Brent told me I needed to be resting, icing, and rolling.  I woke up Saturday morning and felt a lot better, still in pain, but better.  I was still walking pretty funny. As the day went on, and after swimming, for some reason, I was walking normal again and by the time I ran early this morning there was barely any pain.  I was so relieved about that.  I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do my run this morning.

I’m real excited to track my progress as I prepare for the half marathon.  Once Brent gave us the plan I set up a spread sheet to track my times and my weight.  A friend of mine, who lost lots of weight, hit a plateau and was struggling.  She started training for a triathlon and her body seemed to transform.  I’m hoping the running, since it’s something I used to avoid, would do the same for me…I’ll definitely keep you up to date on progress J

Recuperating Nicely...

Today has been a pretty good day.  Once I got home from work I did some laundry and cleaned up around the house.  After that, the boys and I met TJ at the movie theatre to watch Cars 2.  It was pretty good.  Now we are all laying in bed together watching TV and listening to the thunder.

I'm hurting a bit today.Usual soreness, which I expected, but I'm feeling lots of pain in my shins.  My steps all day have been short and very lite. Tomorrow my day will be filled with rest, elevation, ice, and working my muscles with a lacrosse ball.

Sunday its back to training for the half marathon.  I'm hoping my legs are much better by then.  We have to do four 400 meter runs.  I'm excited to see how I progress with my running during the training.  I'm going o track it all.  I'm so excited!

5K...Check! Finished 32nd....Out of 32 Runners...But I finished!

Yesterday…what a day!  It was 5K Day.  I woke up excited and feeling pretty good even though I didn’t sleep well.  I ate a great breakfast and packed lots of protein and healthy carbs to eat throughout the day.  I was excused from by regular workout so I wouldn’t be worn out for the run…AND My wonderful and most supportive husband surprised me by leaving a gallon of water and other things to keep me hydrated during my run.  I was ready!

I was a bit nervous throughout the day but was distracted from that nervousness for a good while by staying focused on work and hearing about the possibility of a great opportunity for a friend.

I was meeting the girls I was running with at 530 so we could drive over to the Citadel together and get our race packets.  I was about 25 minutes early and anxious for everyone to get there.  Once everyone arrived we hopped into Kristine’s car and headed over. 

It was about 45 minutes before the run started and we were the only ones there…weird.  Where are the hundreds of people I expected to get lost in?  A few more people trickled in.  Total number of runners…32…CRAP!  I was hoping there would at least be someone close to my size there but no, not this time.

There was a big storm brewing so the plan was to beat the rain or at the very least avoid getting zapped on the butt by lightning.  I had a bad feeling that wasn’t going to happen and actually thought about calling it quits but didn’t.  The thunder started booming and I could see lightning flashes in the sky.  The down pour started just past the halfway point.  Have you ever tried to run in a thunderstorm?  It’s not easy.

There were 2 young girls ahead of me by about a minute.  Every time I ran a bit faster to get out of the rain they would start to run as if I was trying to beat them…I wasn’t trying to finish before them, I just didn’t want to die.

While I was running I saw 2 people running towards me, it took me a bit to realize it was Shelly and Mike coming back to run with me (sniff, sniff).  How great are they?  They finished their run and came back in a lightning and thunderstorm to finish with me.  Then as we are running I look down the other street and see another person running towards us.  I didn’t realize, until she caught up to us, that it was Teresa coming back to run with me.  Here is a lady who made great time running her first 5K in 10 years, was there with her husband and adorable little boy (who were the best cheerleaders for all of us), and she left them to came back to finish with me.  How blessed am I to have such amazing people in my life?

I crossed the finished line and the clock said 40:19.  My last 5K was just under 45 minutes.  I was excited but that excitement was short lived.  We looked at the race results and my time was 45:53.61.  I was pretty bummed about my time; I was hoping it would be less than the last 5K…but I was more prepared for the last run and I was not running through a thunder and lightning storm. 

I needed to get rid of that feeling quick.  It was making me doubt myself about the half marathon.  It’s just a time…it was just a minute difference so what’s the big deal?

The big deal is, is that by the end of the day I added a minute to my time, I was reminded of what an amazing, supportive husband and family I have, I have a GREAT group of co-boot campers who truly care about me and who I just adore, I even received a text just before the race from a wonderful lady to let me know she would be praying for me as I run. 

So, I ask again, what’s the big deal?  The big deal is that I realized that I need to work harder than ever to accomplish my goal and, more importantly, the biggest deal of all, is that I know I am loved and cared for by some awesome people.

Congrats Kristine, Shelly and Teresa.  Shelly and Teresa your time was GREAT!  Kristine, great job on your first 5K! You all did awesome and you still look good in the pictures all wet and soggy.  Your inspiration and encouragement means so much to me. 

I Can Do This...

Thinking, thinking, thinking…never a good thing for me to over think things.  My own mind is my worst enemy.  Feeling like I’m hitting a few roadblocks this week and its only Wednesday.  I’m beginning to feel a bit discouraged.  Maybe it’s the heat; definitely has t d with not enough water and food.  I need to be ready for tomorrow.  I have to run a 5K, I’m excited about it but I am already questioning and doubting myself.  I have to stop this NOW!  CRAP!  I wish I knew why I did this to myself…UGH!!!

So for tonight I will ice my foot and work on my shoulder and hips and review some videos on running technique. Tomorrow my plan is to eat lots of protein, good carbs and drink a gallon of water by 4:00.  Then I WILL run this 5k as best I can, I will push myself, and do all I can not to walk.  I know I will finish….there’s no doubt about that.  I just don’t want to walk it. I would love to beat my time from my last 5K but I will not get discouraged if I don't.

Praying for strength, patience, and peace of mind.

We Have A Plan...

It’s been a few days.  There have been lots going on.  I’ve been tired and not feeling so great.  I know the heat is playing it to that as well as a few other things.  Whatever the factors are, I need to push through, get some good sleep, eat better and workout harder.

I received my running plan for the half marathon.  While Brent was reviewing it I could just feel my facial expression changing.  I wasn’t sure what to expect, it didn’t sound unreasonable, but all of a sudden the reality of having to do some serious training for this hit me like a ton of bricks.

Each week, for the next 20 weeks, I have to do 2 runs in addition to my regular workouts…sounds easy enough.  One of the runs for this week is a 5K.  How lucky am I that there just so happens to be one Thursday night and a few of my favorite ladies will be running it.  Needless to say I registered for that run this evening.  I’m not sure how I will do since it is at the end of the day and I will have already worked out.  But this will be more of a test of will for me…I will simply have to push myself through the fatigue and heat.  It should be lots of fun though…I’m looking forward to it J

I am beyond exhausted today; I cannot stop yawning.  I had my hair done and fell asleep at one point.  Brent asked how my eating has been and if I’ve been eating enough.  I’m pretty sure not eating enough is my problem right now.  I’m working on staying on track with eat fresh meats and veggies but I’m also watching my portion sizes.  We think I’m watching them too much. 

Here’s the big question of the day for myself “Why am I eating all I can when I am on these crazy binges to fuel my emotions, but when I’m aware of what I’m eating and planning, why am I not eating enough to fuel my body?

My eating went well today, I drank more water but fell shy of a gallon, and I struggled with my workout today.  Hopefully with eating better today and a good night’s sleep my workouts will be up to par tomorrow.  Today I started a food log to review with Brent. I need to be consistent with my eating, that is such a battle for me especially during a stressful time. 

A beach of a work out today!

Beach workout this morning…fun!  Love working out with the ladies and having the opportunity to meet new people…even though I dislike the beach.  The beach and I never really had a good relationship.  For one, I never liked putting on a bathing suit, especially wearing one in public; it was never a pretty sight, it never will be.  I became even more horrified of the beach when we were fishing under the Robert Mosses Bridge in New York one day.  We were with my dad, my brother, his wife at the time, and my nephew.  My sister in law and I were sitting on a blanket and yelled loud and clear, “Whale on the beach!”  My sister in law almost died laughing; of course I laughed, because laughing at me just seemed like the thing to do, even though the feeling I had was nothing but humiliation.  It was always so hard for me to put on a bathing suit, even shorts, because of the fear of what people would think…that episode just made things worse.

Going to the beach to workout is tough for me.  I told the ladies after the workout that I have to make a commitment to drive or go with someone or else I would not go.  People on the beach still had things to say to me both this week and last time we worked out.    During the first workout, while running, a group of ladies kept cheering me on.  They were all obese so I know they their comments were sincere.  They were routing for me!  Cheering me on and telling me I can do it.  They made me feel great!  They encouraged me to move, so did the others I was working out with.  I did well that day J  Today while running there were cheers to.  I passed a lady who was walking down the beach, she said, “I know you can do this, just keep going.”  When I passed her again on the way back she laughed and said, “You may want to slow down, they’re doing lots of squats up there.” Haha…it was pretty funny. 

I was pretty disappointed with my workout today.  We were in teams of 6; we had to run then, as a team, do 600 squats, run again then do 400 burpees.  Because my running was so slow I wasn’t able to do my fair share of reps.  The others on the team carried the burden.  Then for the final run we had to run with a 45 lb. sandbag.  Everyone took turns with it except for me.  Some of you may not understand why that’s disappointing…who the heck wants to run with a 45 lb. sandbag?  But when you’re on a team and not doing your part it’s very discouraging.

There were a couple of bright spots for me…the 2 gentlemen who were working out with us had to pick their team mates.  When that happens I instantly think, “Well crap, I’m going to be that last pick.”  But not today!!  I was shocked and smiling big on the inside J  thanks to Willie!  The other thing that made me feel better about today’s workout was that even though I have this aggravating pain in my foot, I pushed through it; I didn’t let it stop me.  It did slow me down a bit but I tried to keep focused on my running form and not the foot pain.  So beach workouts are touch in a few different ways for me but there is always some sense of accomplishment afterwards.

Have I mentioned lately how GREAT Tj is still doing with his eating? He is determined and I love it…I love him!  I’m so proud of you Tj!  Keep it up Tj!

If it feels good do it, if it hurts, do it again and again and again…

Sitting here after a long busy day with ice on top of my foot and a pain in my butt…literally a pain in my butt.  I’m not sure what happened to my foot but it’s swollen and hurting.  So bad that I had to untie my shoe, while driving down the interstate, so I could loosen my laces.  As for my butt…well it’s a reoccurring rash….from sit-ups!  How do you realize you have this rash since it’s pretty tough to see, you feel the burn when you get in the shower…OUCH!!  Today after our workout I was talking to the other ladies in the group who are also experiencing the same thing, and we all agreed that our trainer know just when it’s about to clear up then…MORE SITUPS! Haha.

We also talked about how we wouldn’t have it any other way.  Our soreness and “battle wounds” calluses and occasional bruises remind of us of our hard work (they also serve as a good reminder not to eat those sweets and carbs)

Soreness, for me is a pretty good measurement; if I’m not sore I know I didn’t get the most out of my workout.  Either I didn’t push myself or my technique was off.  If I don’t work out, I even miss my soreness.

How sick does this sound?  It most likely only sounds sick to those who haven’t made hard work outs a part of their lifestyle.  For the rest of us soreness is truly a joy J

Today was a nice day.  Not too much drama, a well-balanced day.  I would love for most days to be like this.  Eating was good, workout was good, and I received a great compliment today.  I still have my eating weighing heavy on my mind.  My trainer and I talked about what to eat when these binge episodes occur.  I was even online today looking for some kind of help on how to work on what I believe is a food addiction.  I didn’t have much luck though.  I’m really not sure what I’m looking for.  I don’t think what I’m experiencing is extreme at this point.  It’s not like I’m binging and purging.  It seems like it should be so simple.  Why can’t I just walk away, why can’t I just not do it?

I’ve been contemplating therapy again.  I question whether or not this is really necessary.  I’m so on the fence with it. There’s a part of me, at times, that believes I am strong enough to fight this and win.  There’s another part of me that feels so helpless, no hope for myself.  The great thing is that the part of me that believes I can beat this is around more often than it’s ever been; I feel so good about that.  The frustration is coming from not getting over this hump.  I am still hitting this brick wall and it is very discouraging.  I’ll keep trying, I don’t want to stop, I don’t want to go back to where I was EVER!

Being "Kind and Generous" with your time makes a world of difference...

Sitting here tonight still with worries for others but feeling much better. My husband and I had a good conversation…I talked, he listened, I wished for my old therapist from NY, he smiled and I felt better.  I had a conversation with my trainer today about eating, my binging, the worries I have.  He listened, asked a few questions, shared with me and I felt better.

Both conversations combined were less than an hour…an hour made a world of difference to me.  It makes such a big difference to me because that’s what I need.  I need to hear what I’m thinking; I accept it when I hear it.  I need for someone else to hear what I feel; not sure why, maybe to validate what I’m feeling.  Maybe because the 1 or 2 people I have a huge amount of trust in will be straight forward and honest with.  Are some things hard to hear from such people…heck yes!  Does it make me a better person, absolutely…does that better person appear instantly, unfortunately not, but it’s happening.

I can’t thank TJ and Brent enough for today; for taking the time to talk, to ask, to help J  I have been blessed with great people, as we all have been, I am even more blessed because I recognize this. 

I will never be able to Thank God enough for them.

Because this song says what I am feeling right now.

It's just a hurdle...I will get over it sooner then later

Been trying to figure out today where I stand in this life…I’m confused, so does that mean I’m still lost?  So many things have been going on…stressful things, yet I’m not sure how much of this really needs to affect me.  I allow so many negative feelings to overwhelm me.

The last couple of weeks have revealed how much I allow myself to get caught up in the emotions of others.  My life has been good, I have my stresses and we are going through a couple of tough things right now but it’s nothing that is going to kill us.  Is it possible that my comfort zone is anxiety and wallowing in sorrow that when I don’t have any of my own I look to others for theirs?  That can’t be, I can’t imagine why anyone, why I, would want that.

Since the beginning of this year I feel that I’ve come to terms with a couple of major things that have consumed my life for years.  Those were the things that I “ate about”.  I truly believed that once I came to terms with those things adhering to eating well would be easy.  I have to take that back…eating well IS easy for me.  It truly is!  Everything I was taught is embedded into my brain.  The hard work that other put into me is there, I’ve been educated and no one can take that from me.

What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I get past this emotional binging?  I feel stuck; I don’t know what to do.  I am at a loss and I don’t know how to fix this.  Do I accept my physical self and move on with life?  I can’t do that!  I don’t like my physical self.  It’s not pretty, it’s not healthy, and it’s just not where I want to be.

At times I feel like I’m breaking and I push myself to get past that point, and I do and that is a HUGE accomplishment for me!  It’s that sense of accomplishment that pushes me to go further. 

Support from others is more important to me than it should be; but it’s something I need.  Last night after working out we were talking about how much we need and support each other and how we would not do what we were doing without each other and/or our trainer.  This made me feel better about myself.  I do rely on others, more than I should, but how bad is that?  Is it bad because it’s an inconvenience to others or bad because I feel like I need guidance or direction? 

I’m not feeling sorry for myself.  I know my life is improving, I see improvements, and so many are clear to me.  I know things take time, but this 2 steps forward than 1 ½ steps back thing is getting to me.  I love my workouts, the people I work out with, my trainer and everything he’s taught me, the knowledge I have is something that will stick with me forever and best of all, I can share it with so many others, especially my family. 

I can overcome this, I know I can.  I’ve overcome so many little and big things within that last 2 years.  I wish I could just pinpoint the issue I am not dealing with so I can tackle it and move forward.  In the meantime, I will keep trying, I’ll focus on that run that I am determined to complete, and I’ll keep that smile on my face, no matter what J

Monday Monday...Blah!

Is it Monday already?  I can’t believe how quickly the weekend went by; it’s all a blur at this point.  I didn’t feel well this weekend.  My Diverticulitis was acting up…horrible.  I did what I could to push through it but it makes everything I do so uncomfortable.  I feel so weak when it flairs up.  I feel the need to eat but anything I do eat seems to make it worse.  The bloating is unreal…GEEZ!  I felt better today, but not 100% by any means.  I felt drained, couldn’t get enough water, and real tired…needless to say this did not help with my workout.

Speaking of today’s work out…OIY!  It was too hot.  The 4 of us that worked out were about to die.  It was terrible.  I’m not sure how I’ll get through the summer.  Although it drained me and I felt like it wasn’t a great workout, I am content knowing I did something.  I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s workout, feeling much better, and really pushing myself.

We had out last softball game of the season Sunday so we are done till the fall.  When TJ first asked me to join the team I was hesitant because I never played before.  This was the second season I played and I enjoyed it more than the first.  I’m already looking forward to the next!

I had a real tough day today.  I fought with myself not to overeat.  I am SOOOO hungry, not sure why.  I’m satisfied with the control I had; my eating wasn’t too bad, just sort of sporadic.  I still struggle with why I get this way…it’s so discouraging for me.  I feel like I’ve run out of solutions and how to handle.  There’s a part of me that temporarily just gives up.  We are just about half way through the year and I feel like I made little progress.  It’s just so frustrating at this point.  I need something but I don’t know what it is, I’m missing something, somewhere, but I have no idea what it could be. 

When I decided to do this half marathon I told myself that running would be the focus not losing weight, with the hopes that the weight would come off while I was preparing for the run.  I’m beginning to doubt that decision since it is so important that I drop the weight to be able to run better.

My husband on the other hand is kicking butt with his weight loss right now!  I am so proud of him and very excited for him…he is on a roll!!!  He’s got to be close to his 20lbs mark.  He is eating great and getting in cardio throughout the week…Nice work TJ!!!!  My boys are all focused on eating better as well.  They are making better choices.  I just have to keep them active throughout the summer.

Still keeping a few great people in my prayers.  It breaks my heart to see how some struggle.  For my own sake, I need to pray for them and not let the challenges they face affect me.  This is going to be such a tough thing for me to change.

F.R.I.D.A.Y!

I am so grateful to God today for blessing us with the most amazing day of the week…FRIDAY!!  What a week it’s been.  I totally went into emotion overload.  It was one of those weeks where I just didn’t know how to feel.  I felt so drained this week; at one point during the week, I had my head in my hands and actually fell asleep.

There have been many great people in my prayers this week who are facing challenges.  I find comfort in believing that all will be fine through the grace of God. I truly believe things will be even better.  God has blessed me with wonderful people.  An even better blessing is that I am able to get close to so many.  It’s so amazing to be able to do this.  The downfall, at times, is that I truly hurt for them.  It’s hard for me to keep my composure when I need to be supportive.  I have difficulty sleeping sometimes wondering how they are doing when they are alone.  

I think I feel the pain of others so often because my own experiences.  I had a friend who I was close to who seemed to be experiencing a stretch of loneliness.  During that time I was literally sick to my stomach for them; I even lost sleep at night wondering if they were ok.  The idea of someone I cared so much about feeling alone is so upsetting for me.  This even happens with some I don’t know; when I see an obese person walking alone I automatically get a rush of feelings of rejection.  If I see an obese person eating alone and eating a lot I feel depression.  If I see an obese person with a group of people I get feelings of discomfort and even alienation, even when in a group...Wow…maybe I need to get back into therapy this sounds worse than I thought J

I love that I can feel for people; its part of what defines me.  I just wish I could help them more, be there more, tell them I care, give them a big hug to let them know things will be fine if they just hang in there.  I never feel that what I do is enough.  Here’s what I don’t understand…why is it me who feels alone, almost deserted at times, when someone I want so much for is  finally content?

Craziness!  So much going on everywhere!  Looking forward to peace of mind, for myself and others.

Today belonged to Justin!  He started physical and occupational therapy.  He did great! Justin went to physical therapy prior to working with his first personal trainer.  He struggled quite a bit with the exercises and with his self-confidence.  When he went for his evaluation they were so pleased with his progress since he stopped over a year ago.  His first trainer did such a great job with him that we felt he was getting more out of his personal training sessions than his PT sessions so we stopped doing PT for a while.  I really think his success today was due to maturity, self-confidence, and great personal training.  There is such a huge difference in this child.  I am so proud of his accomplishments and so grateful for the people who are helping him. And to top off his day, he had his voice lesson.  No matter how tired he is or what kind of a crazy day he has he is beaming after his lesson (AMEN to that!)

Today’s workout was good.  I think I did okay with it. My shoulder seems to be acting up again L but I am determined to push through.  The pain doesn’t last; it’s more of a sudden sharp pain that causes soreness.  Since I never know when the pain will strike I find that I am erring on the side of caution during work outs, which really isn’t a good thing at all.  I’ll keep stretching and rolling around on a ball, which really does help, and if need be I can always go back to the chiropractor to have it worked on.  Time to start focusing on box jumps again; I will conquer those babies sooner than later…I hope.  Tripping over that box is my biggest fear.  I have that saying, the bigger they are, the harder they fall, stuck in my head.  I mean really, just imagine the injuries I could sustain if I tripped over a 12” box…OY!  A new pain has presented itself on the top of my foot.  I’m guessing it’s because of my poor, but improving, running. 

Not so sure I’m looking forward to what tomorrow will bring…need to do lots of praying about so many things. 

This week is off to a great start!

I really loved this day!  Things went really well from the morning to end.  My new hours started today…wonderful!  I came home from work had lunch, did some cleaning up, and watched a movie all with my boys.  I’m already looking forward to coming home early tomorrow!

Received some great news today!  TJ had a follow up doctor’s appointment and has done amazing.  His cholesterol is way down, he has lost weight, his blood pressure is good.  I am so happy, relieved, and proud of him!  He is eating great and exercising more.  I am so grateful that he is doing this for himself and our children.

My fast has been a success so far.  I will be able to eat again tomorrow at 11:00 which will is just an hour before my workout…perfect!  I will continue to do this each Sunday until the half marathon (that’s my plan anyway). 

I am really determined to get a good amount of weight off before November; I can feel improvements in my running…even my motivation to run and push myself to go further has improved.  Maybe improved isn’t the right word…let’s rephrase that and say, I now have motivation to run and push myself.  I know getting some weight off will make a huge difference.

Tonight’s workout was great.  Brent incorporated lots of running into it.  I was paired with Tammy who is an awesome runner so I was a bit intimidated by that.  She is such a wonderful person!  She slowed her pace so I could keep up with her but she pushed me and kept me going through out each run.   The last run we did was the best, we even finished first.  That was such a moment for me since I am always last J  There are times when we workout and I feel great about my performance that I just want to jump up and down for joy…that’s how I felt about this last run. 

I truly love the group I work with on Mondays. They are intense, so encouraging, supportive and FUN!

Brent told me I needed to be more positive about running (I was so negative about it), so I pushed myself to be the first few weeks (It was tough but I did it).  Now, I find that I don’t need to push myself to be positive about running any more.  It’s just there now.  I think I’m developing some confidence with my running just because I can see and feel a difference and I’m hearing positive feedback from others. (Looks like Brent may be right about this...It's a good thing I always listen to him) J 

It has been a full weekend.  I am pooped.  Friday night Nick had some friends over from the club he is in at school.  WOW!  Were they loud.  They all seemed to have a good time.  It turned out to be quite an experience for Tj ha ha.

I barely slept Friday night and hardly ate through out the day Saturday.  I felt really out of sorts and exhausted.

Last night Joe had a couple of friends over.  All the boys had a good time together.; all 6 of them...Yikes!
Joe, Justin, and 2 of Joe's friends took a walk to the park, which is just 2 blocks away, to play for about 30 minutes before dinner.  On their way back to the house, a  car pulled up a long side of them and stopped.  in the car were 4 men.  The driver, as he was reaching toward the back seat, said to one of the other guys , give me that gun.  With that, Justin took off running and Joe and his other friend stood there.  The guys ended up taking off.  The boys were so shaken from this.  We of course called the police and filed a report.  Although this situation was pretty upsetting, hearing these 4 boys tell the police what happened was pretty amusing; even the officer had a tough time keeping a straight face.  After the questioning, as the police officer stood up to leave, one of Joe's friends said the, "By the way, none of the men in the car had their seat belts on, except for the driver." 

Went to the beach this weekend for a workout.  Geez Louise!  My legs are beyond tight today; I can't remember the last time they felt like this. I was in so much pain playing softball today.  I was catching so I was squatting a good part of the game...which did eventually help...but it really hurt in the beginning.  I kept feeling this terrible pulling behind my knee. I can only assume it's from the sand. We did lots of running...it's a good thing I've developed a love for it. I will say this, there's nothing like coming home from a grueling workout and receiving an encouraging email from your trainer...it truly makes all the difference for me, and many others, I know when struggling with something.

I'm not sure if I developed a true love for running though.  I think it's more like when a guy, or even a girl in some cases, is attracted to someone and they date mainly to have sex with them.  Once they get it from them, they dump them; they date them more for the challenge.  I think once I get this half marathon done, I'm dumping running ha ha.  Either that will happen or I may just keep doing it because I accidentally fell  for it...we will soon see.  It's exactly 5 months from today.

My eating was okay this weekend to.  Starting today, each Sunday I will do an 18 hour fast.  I haven't fasted in a while, so the first couple of weeks will be a challenge but I really feel pretty good when I do it.  Along with that I will be back to strict Paleo and avoiding pork. The key for me is not to think about.  I have found that when I am on track with my eating I automatically revert back to clean eating anyway so....

Looking forward to hearing back about some things pending.  So much going on but so little to say about them.  I get anxiety from just thinking about the change that may come.  I need to not focus on what may be and stay focused on the here and now...take everything else as it comes.  Whatever happens is God's will...I can only pray and be faithful that all will be fine.

It's been a long day...

From the second we woke up we haven't stopped moving; I'm feeling sort of sad that schools out, but probably more happy than sad that it is.  Joe graduated today, we are so proud of im.  He also received a few awards.  Joe made the Principles List and Justin made the Honor Roll.  We didn't get Nick's report card yet, I believe they are being emailed to us, but from what I can see online he should have done real well, with the exception of Latin, we're expecting a "D"...okay maybe we're hoping for a "D" instead of an "F".

After the ceremonies we met at the pool and hung out with a bunch of friends.  We had a real nice time today.  What makes it even better was that I was able to stay focused on the days festivities and remain distracted from some other things...which I'm still not wanting to think about so....moving on.

Well, I am SO sore today from yesterday grueling, but great, workouts.  I missed my workout today...missed as in didnt make and missed as in "crap I hate to miss it".  Hmmm....as I'm typing this I just remembered a group of people at work wanted to start doing Friday workouts together during lunch.  I'll have to find out if they are still interested...I think I may have to get a workout in tomorrow at lunch time to make up for the time missed today.

Eating was off today.  It wasn't horrible but there were a couple of cheats in there.  Poor planning and no preperation did me in...that'll get me everytime.  Back on track tomorrow though.  Tj is still doing great with his eating...he's doing so well! He'll have his cheat meal then get right back on track...that's huge for us.  usually it takes a couple of days for us to get back on track after a cheat meal.

Nick has informed us that he doesn't want McDonalds because if he has a zit it will make it worse because there's too much fat in McDonalds burgers.  So, today, because it was such a hectic day, we brought home McDonalds.  Nick was upset that we got it and asked why not just make asparagus?  How cool is it when a pre-teen asks for asparagus instead of McDonalds?

I am exhausted...was up for a few hours early this morning.  Hoping that when I my head hits the pillow it will stay there and not wake up before it's supposed to.

So happy to be sitting in bed resting.  Its been quite a day! The morning went pretty well which is usually a good sign that the entire day will go well. I had my one-on-one work out earlier than usual today for 30 minutes than we did a group workout immeditely after for an hour...WOW...it was a pretty intense, painful 90 minutes; but it was GREAT!  I wish I had that workout at the end of the day to release all the stress that developed afterwards.

My emotions were still pretty strong today.  I was on the verge of tears a few times this afternoon.  There's so much going on right now.  Had a meeting today that involves a life changing decision.  I won't have any answers until tomorrow or Friday so I'm trying not to think about it.Its just tough for me to put something out of my mind that could have a huge impact on my life as well as the life of others.  Unfortunately, this is one of those things where push comes to shove and changes must be made. 

I received a good slap back into realty which may have left another bruise, today.  I have so much work to do on myself and I'm working at it, but it just seems to take so long.  The amount of time it takes and what seems to be setbacks is disapointing to me and when I disapoint myself I feel as though I do the same to others.  I will keep working on this though...I know in my heart there have been positive changes, I see them and feel them in myself; they just might not be visible to others yet.

Tomorrow will be a happy happy day!  That will distract me from everything else that's going on.  It's Joe' birthday and he is graduating elementary school.  I am so proud of that sweet, funny, DRAMATIC little man.  Who, by the way, saw a video in school yesterday about how boys mature physically...wish I recorded the conversation we had about that haha.  Just love him to no end.   It's also the last day of school...it's going to be a summer of change for sure...should be a very interesting ride! 

I have so much praying to do...