I am so proud of my boys!!  They are absolutely all that brings joy to me.  Joe had his final performance for the season this weekend.  It was great!  We have got some seriously talented, funny kids here in Charleston.  Justin had a huge accomplishment this weekend as well.  He took swimming lessons for 2 months and did well.  At the end of each class they practiced diving.  He struggled with it and never really got it; clearly he was to nervous.  Today we spent some time at the pool and our neighbor taught Justin how he learned to dive and Justin got it!!  It was a very exciting moment for him.

All weekend I’ve been throwing lots of things around in my head.  Not exactly what I needed since things were so chaotic…very fun…but extremely chaotic since it was Joe’s performance weekend.  I am still pretty hung up on getting back into therapy…why?  Well for one thing I had a conversation this past week that just help me to put so many things in perspective.  It was sort of a general conversation, not specific to any one thing, but it helped me.  It was simply encouraging and optimistic and fairly quick.  I walked away feeling pretty good, it stuck with me and it helped get me through the week.

Knowing that my therapy options are slim to none at this point I did some research online and found a website about overcoming binge eating that may be something to utilize temporarily.  I downloaded some “tips” they offer that seem to make sense.  Not all really apply to me but some of it does.  I think the key, for me, is to stop myself dead in my tracks and change directions…literally.  I feel like I need to run for cover when this is happening.  I’m just not sure what to do with myself when I do stop.  That’s what I need to pray and think about.  I have found that I was able to avoid binging by shopping HOWEVER binge shopping is something that I really cannot afford to get started haha…that could be even more of a disaster. 

I am carefully working on formulating a plan for myself that will hopefully work.  I need to be careful since putting too much pressure on me may break my focus.  It seems so ridiculous and it is very frustrating but I really believe I can fix this, I need to fix this, my life has some kind of purpose, I won’t be able to figure out what the purpose and move forward until my eating issues are under control.

For the most part the weekend was great… highs and lows…a few tears and lots of laughs but no complaints just many thanks to God for awesome people He has blessed me with.

Just sitting here waiting for my sweet little Thespian to come home from rehearsal. For some reason I feel sick to my stomach, on the verge of tears, and I have a lump in my throat.  There's a crazy mix of emotions running through me...its as if my past and present are colliding.

I'm not sure whats going on inside me right now...it's so odd.  Maybe it's the combination of great times, missing my family and friends from New York, comparing my old life to this life. regrets, confusion...and more confusion and wonder...wondering if this is the place I should really be in and what my purpose is here...sometimes I can't help but wonder if there is a purpose for me.

Yes...I am totalling PMSing and I apprently started at 530PM yesterday...once my hormones level out I will be fine...but for the time being I will embrace the way I feel and miss the ones I love but can't be around. 

I didn’t realize how exhausted I was until I had the chance to sneak in a nap for a couple of hours…it felt so good, even though I woke up tireder haha.  I received a text from TJ asking if I was awake yet when I responded that I was he told me he was out with the boys so we met and grabbed something at Outback.

I’m feeling a little bit better today emotionally.  I had a good conversation with my trainer and explained what I realized and why I was struggling.  It was a tough conversation for me to have but I knew I needed to have it in order to move forward.  I needed to tell him how much weight I gained since I was diagnosed then undiagnosed with MS.  When I went for my second opinion the doctor asked what I had planned to do about my weight.  I explained to him what I was doing for the last few years and how much weight I lost.  He responded with, “So you gained 30lbs. in the last 5 months?”  All of a sudden, at that point, it seemed like nothing mattered…not even the MS.  I knew I had put on some weight but had no idea that it was that much.

I’ve really been beating myself up since then.  I felt as though I couldn’t look some people in the eye.  I felt as though I was living a lie.  I was so disappointed to realize that I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was…I feel as though I was tested on all that I learned throughout this journey I’ve been on and I failed…big time.  There were lots of other thoughts, misconceptions, and emotions that I experienced regarding this since my second opinion and during the conversation last night…bottom line is I need to put this behind me and get it together. 

The one thing that neither my trainer nor I can understand is how I can go from one extreme to the other, so quickly, then have so much trouble with getting back on track.  I wish I could understand this so I could explain it to him and anyone else who has this same struggle.  Brent has taught me so well.  I KNOW everything I need to know to be a success.  I can preach it to others with confidence because I completely BELIEVE in him and what he has taught me

Thinking about all this today, I need to simply “do” what I know is best for me.  I need to believe in myself and use something other than food to distract me from my emotions.  I still have much to learn about the things I need to fix within me.   My priority now is to learn how to keep myself together at my weakest moments and not succumb to binging and if I fail my focus will immediately change to fighting with all I have to get right back on track and not degrade myself.

I need to apologize for being a disappointment, coming across as a hypocrite, and  for not completely living the lifestyle I believe in and try to convince other is truly the best. I need to just apologize to myself for abusing me mentally, emotionally, and physically by binging.

I really need to thank Brent and others around me for not giving up on me when I give up on myself, for believing in me when the only thing I do consistently is doubt myself, and for reminding me how far I’ve come physically, mentally, and emotionally since I started this.  I will never forget and I am most grateful for how far I’ve come spiritually…God and my family are truly the reasons why I have not become completely unglued at this point.

This may be yet another battle that I’ve lost…but I will not stop until I win this war I’m stuck in with myself.

So after an entire week of deciding not to do any workouts I’m wondering where that leaves me.  I know I feel like absolute crap.  I noticed a difference in the numbness of my leg…its worse.  I already knew my back would feel a little worse since workouts have always helped to make it feel better when I was hurting.  So my big plan seems to have backfired on me; so much for that.

I was planning to do yoga yesterday…I put on my workout clothes and mowed my legs for the big occasion but then our yoga lady had to cancel at the last minute…guess it just wasn’t meant to happen at all this week.

I think I’m going to give up, for the time being, on my search for a therapist.  I’m creating too much stress for myself with this one.  I even look into a couple of inpatient facility which actually sounded and looked pretty interesting.  Do I think I am that crazy that I need inpatient care…am I that bad again that I need it?  No, I’m not…I am just that desperate to bring this all to an end once and for all.

During this week I realized why I’m feeling the way I am, what has caused it, and what triggered it.  I know that if I just throw it all out on here I would feel better and be able to move forward.  Before I do, there is a conversation that needs to happen but I am such a coward I don’t know that I could even have it. 

This week has been so out of routine for me; I’ve been feeling so awkward.  I’ve been trying to get lots done while sorting things out in my overcrowded head.  My priority this week was to schedule some appointments and schedule I did.  I have more appointments scheduled then ever…right now 7 within the next 6 weeks.

I made a decision to get back into counseling.  I contacted a therapist I met with a few times just 2 years ago only for her to tell me that she is not accepting any patients at this time…BOO!  She was kind of enough to give me referrals to others in the area….3 of the 4 she gave me are not accepting patients at this time and the other said she could see me by the end of May.  I didn’t want to wait that long but heck I might as well schedule that appointment and hold things together on my own until then. I was relieved, excited and looking forward to seeing her.  I received an email from her regarding information I will need for my first appointment.  Within the email she told me that the first 2 meetings are $205 each then $150 each thereafter.  Shame on me for assuming she would take my insurance…bummer <sigh> I am so disappointed; just wanted to cry.  I’m really at a loss now.

Moving forward…I finally heard back from the Neurologist who I am now seeing.  He wants to re-test to ensure his “undiagnosis” of my MS is accurate.  We have scheduled an MRI for the 2nd week in May and a Lumbar Puncture for the 3rd week in May then an appointment to hear the results the first week of June.  I’m praying he doesn’t change his mind haha…this has been such a tense, drawn out process for me.  I will be SO happy when it comes to an end.

All the other appointments…seeing a Gastro doctor Monday…which I’m guessing will lead to more tests, dentist to get a tooth yanked…the idea of that sickens me, Dermatologist to get a routine skin cancer screening.  It just feels never ending at this point but once these other things are taken care of I can cross them off my list which is very exciting!

Why do things feel so awkward this week….I am missing my workouts and the people I work out with.  I thought it would be a good idea to take at least the week off so I could re-focus and see if I could come up with some kind of strategy to get my nutrition, workouts, and head in sync.  I was doing so GREAT up until the end of last week.  I dropped 9 lbs. in 2 weeks!  I was on a roll!  Then something happened, I started doubting myself, and I blew it.  I really frustrate the hell out of me when this happens.  I know in my heart that I can fix this binging non-sense…I did so well when I first started this journey. ..I can do it again.  I’m praying that any day I will get that “I can do this” feeling and get back into my routine with the confidence and self-esteem I need.

What a weekend…what a week…what a month it’s been so far.  I almost can’t remember my last post; it’s been a while since I blogged.

Life has been good for the most part…the most important things in my life are perfect.  My kids. my husband, my family.  I’m struggling with a few things…work, business associates, friends, finances, diet/workouts.

The boys had a nice, relaxing spring break.  We headed to Edisto Friday and spent the day on a chilly beach and all ended up with sunburn.  My poor oldest got it the worst because he had no shirt on.  He is doing okay…as long as no one touches him.  Going back to school tomorrow will be a bittersweet moment but they only have 6 weeks to go before summer vacation.  Today TJ and I spent time outside doing some yard work.  We made lots of progress but still have lots of works to do.  We are prepping for our spring/summer garden.  We stopped by a nursery yesterday and decided to try growing blueberries, strawberries, and grapes.  I am beyond excited about this!  We are hoping to have the area ready for them within the next two weeks.

As for my struggles….hmmm where do I begin?  As for work, it has been busy (which is always a great thing) but when it’s busy in our department it means changes.  Changes are usually positive but at times it takes some sorting to see all the good that comes out of it.  Still any change for me is stressful to some extent.  Finances…like most people these days it is a struggle and has been for the last few years.  We’ve heard lots of great things about Dave Ramsey’s program so we are going to give it a shot.  Since I’ve heard so many great things I contacted his organization and have been put in touch with someone who teaches his program.  I’ll be meeting with him next week to discuss the possibilities of having the program taught at work.

Diet and workouts… after a conversation last week with my trainer I realized I was struggling more than I thought…what a disappointment this was for me.  I’ve been putting a lot of thought into things; I’m trying to figure out where the problems lie this time for me.  The one thing we discussed was my leg that still has numbness.  This is one of my biggest struggles and something that gets into my head way too much.  I’m trying to figure out how to stop this from happening.  After all the blood work I had from testing with the MS and then with the functional neurologist it seems as though I may have digestive/absorption issues.  My blood work showed that my protein and B-12 levels were low.  I even tested positive for a parasite of some sort. I’m going to start with a gastrologist to see if they can direct me. I haven’t been feeling well the last few weeks even when eating really well…so…I’m not sure where to go with this.  I started vitamin B-12 shots and feel a difference so I’m hopeful this will resolve part of the problem. There are lots of little things that are affecting me right now in a negative way and I’m not sure who to turn to at this point for help.  So for now I am having all my physicals and preventative testing done to get things out of the way before I head back to MUSC is a couple of months for my follow up MRI and spinal puncture.

Other than that, I feel as though I have disappointed myself and a few others.  Being an advocate for health and promoting wellness at work and to friends and family is an amazing and rewarding feeling; I love it!  But it is times like this, when I am struggling with myself, my workouts, my self-esteem, the way I look…and knowing that I have disappointed kills me inside.  It has me seriously considering seeing a therapist again.  I think at this point I need to stop considering it and just do it.  I spoke to TJ about it a few times…I think I am just avoiding the inevitable. I really need to understand this problem I have so I can move forward.

“Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said.” – Matthew 28:5-6

I’m finding the stronger I grow in my faith the more my “priority of traditions” and perspectives change.  Easter is such a glorious time for all Christians.  It is what defines our faith.  Having kids I feel the need to continue traditions and it is those traditions that have always been the priority during any holiday.

 

This year things have been a bit hectic and money has been tight.  We normally are inviting others over, spending tons of money on a great cut of meat, desserts, candy and gifts for the kids.  As of right now, we only have a couple of things for the boys to put in their Easter baskets; we haven’t colored eggs...or purchased them yet.  Justin has one of his best buddy’s sleeping over tonight, so TJ and I talked and decided to turn everything around and “RE-PRIORITIZE”…so tomorrow we will:

1.       Go to church to celebrate our Saviors Resurrection with friends
2.       Return home where the boys will find their Easter Baskets
3.       Color Easter Eggs
4.       Have an Easter Egg Hunt with the boys
5.       Have a wonderful family day (and probably eat at McDonald’s since TJ gave all fast food up for Lent)

Normally the boys would run down stairs expecting to find basket FULL of candy, toys, gift cards…we just can’t do it anymore…it’s too expensive and more importantly, that’s not what this is all about.  Now that they are growing and are involved with a Christian Youth Group they are learning so much about our Faith I would almost feel as though I was undermining what is being taught IF we didn’t change some things in our home.  Being older and understanding what we believe in makes changing our priorities easier.

Speaking of giving some thing up for Lent...TJ, Nick, and Joe all gave something up and did not give into temptations ONCE!  I am so proud of them.  TJ, as mentioned above, gave up fast food.  Nick gave up Nutella and Joe gave up gum. Not only to did give something up, TJ lost a bit of weight, Nick has less pimples and Joe is probably down a cavity or two...it all worked out great!

We have much to thank God for; we are so blessed!  

Happy Birthday Justin...I am SO proud of you!!

Today I realized I don’t have any more babies.  All 3 boys are now double digits…this year Nick turns 13, Joe 12, and today Justin turned 10.  Definitely a bitter sweet day for me. This might sound crazy to most of you, but even at my age, given the opportunity and a much larger income, I would love to have another child.  The joy they bring is like no other…unless of course they aren’t doing their homework.

Justin had a wonderful birthday.  We had a special birthday dinner for him Sunday since Joe had theatre this evening.  He loved the gifts from his brothers.  Tonight we celebrated by taking him out for dessert and giving him a gift from TJ and I.  Saturday he will have a couple of his friends over to hang out and swim with.

Today that sweet boy had a second shot at his orange belt for karate.  He tested Saturday but failed because he came out of his Naihanchi which results in an automatic fail.  Since everything else he did was done correctly his Sansei allowed him to give his Naihanchi another shot.  This time he had to stay in that position for 2 ½ minutes.  Imagine standing in a mid-level squat position for 2 ½ minutes…OUCH!

Well he did it!  What an awesome birthday gift!  He held that position and received his orange belt today.  He is so excited and we are so proud of him.  I am most proud of the fact that he did not give up.  He was so upset and disappointed when he was told he failed Saturday.  He never once said he didn’t want to do this anymore or ask to quit.  He did cry…he had a tough time containing himself (he gets that from me) but he didn’t let it ruin his day.

With all these birthday celebrations for Justin, and another coming up on Saturday, I am proud that I have not strayed from my clean eating one bit.  I feel good about that and excited to have the ability to resist once again.

It looks like I will be doing another half marathon in December.  We are rallying the troops!  We have a few people from the Boot Camp at my house participating and I think we may have a group from work as well. 

When I was training last year for it I did great…I was on top of my game like I never was before…workouts, eating, being consistent, running, it was awesome.  Then I caught MS…well so the doctor thought.  It was just my back…I will need to make sure my running form is correct and my running is efficient. 

I’m SO excited about this!