Today I wondered, more than any other day, how many more prayers God will answer for me. Do we have a quota? Is it an unlimited amount? He has answered more prayers for me and loaded me up with strength during my weakest moments more in that past 10 months than ever before. Now that I think about it, God probably has always done this for me. Is it just that I have opened my heart so much to Him that I am seeing and feeling this all for the first time?
When I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis I was thrown but very accepting to it. Within a few weeks and an overabundance of sympathy from so many I went into denial and became angry. I began to slip into a depression so much so that I spoke to my doctor and he prescribed me antidepressants. I never did pick them up from the drug store; I figured I was strong enough to handle it. I knew that if I kept eating clean, working out, and staying focused I would get passed that stage. Apparently I wasn’t as strong as I thought. So many constantly commented on how well I was handling the news of having MS. I was told that I was so brave, strong, etc. I really wasn’t strong, not when it comes to me. I can be strong for anyone else except for myself.
I prayed so hard that this diagnosis was wrong. The thought of the possibility of becoming totally dependent on others and putting a huge burden on my husband and kids if I became disabled made me sick to my stomach. I was afraid that I would get to a point that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my boys, my friends, and be able to help others.
Here again, I got in my own way, I put so many things on hold, I stopped dead in my tracks, I wasted 6 months feeling sorry for myself and my family. I almost feel as though I was tested and I failed. So another lesson has been learned…there is no reason why I should have let this interfere with my life the way I did. Granted, I handled this better than I would have a few years ago, but it proved that I still have a ways to go, I still have lots to learn, and I still need to learn to place my worries in God’s hands and place all my trust in Him.
Had I done that from the day I was diagnosed, I would have been a much better, healthier, and more fit Maria on the day, TODAY, when the MS Specialist at MUSC told me I was misdiagnosed.
I am elated. I am beyond grateful for my husband and his support, the skeptic in my life who I have this immense amount of trust in who didn’t believe I had MS from the get go, for my friend at work who repeatedly shared stories about her friend who was misdiagnosed with MS but it took years for Doctors to determine it. It was because of their persistence that I went for this second opinion and found out I do not have MS.
It’s been a crazy 6 months and a very surreal day. I am so grateful to so many for so many reasons and I Praise God for placing all of these wonderful people in my life that pushed me through this and for answering my prayers over and over again.
As for me…I researched this like I never researched anything before. By the time I went for my second opinion I understood most of what the doctor said. I asked good, intelligent questions. I knew what I was talking about…I learned that I can trust myself, I can learn, and I can converse about something intelligently that I have knowledge of or that I have a passion for. I found some confidence buried inside of me. The confidence I need to succeed at a couple of things I really want but doubted myself on. I am excited to have this feeling; there is no reason to doubt myself anymore.
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