I'm So Grateful I Have No Shame In What I Believe In...

Been a bit detached lately; too much has been going on and I needed to break away.  I do want to share this though.  I've found, over the past few months, that being vocal or posting things about our spiritual beliefs, connections, activities, etc. can have a huge impact on the lives of others; even those we don't even know.  Here's a message I received from a friend of mine regarding a post I made on her wall:


Hi Lady, a very old and dear friend from Indiana just wrote me a letter (snail mail and all) and told me she saw your post on my page about Battlefield of the Mind. She went and bought the book and is now on chapter 9. She thinks this book was written just for her :-) . She hasn't been to church in years, if ever. But is now searching for that right place to grow spiritually. She said her kids had been after her for years to go to church but she never acted on it. A simple FB post moved her to seek God and healing of some very wounded parts in her spirit. Her letter brought tears to my eyes as I was reminded of how God uses us, quite often without our own knowledge.... Have a great weekend. Much love to you, Hope

Love when I have a good day!  Sure there's rough spots through out any day, but overall it was good and fun.  I started the day with my chiropractor.  I am extremely sore from my visit.  I have never felt pain like the pain I felt with him; I am still extremely sore.  The best part was that the numbness in my foot went away!  I was only sore from my hip to my ankle for a good part of the day.  Finally feeling progress has made me feel so much better about this entire ordeal.  Honestly, I had myself diagnosed with some kind of disease. 

The chiropractor and I had a great  conversation about Brent, my trainer.  He was very impressed with his knowledge of the different muscles and nerves, how to treat them, etc. It's so important to me to have people around me who share the same philosophies and they both do...which makes life less confusing for me. Between the 2 of them I am learning lots of things about my body and what I have done wrong and what I will need to do once this rehab is over, to ensure I don't end up this way again. I promise I don't ever want to end up like this again.  I am miserable being in this condition and miserable that I cannot do my usual training and train for the half marathon...UGH!!  But, I am being optimistic that things will get better sooner then later; this is just another one of those tough life lessons.

Another great day of eating; I'm feeling real good about have the ability to stay on track when times are tough.  Last night I "unliked" a page I was following for a little while. It's a page someone set up so others can follow her on her fitness journey.  Not that I like to judge anyone, and God forgive me for this, but I did pass judgement on this girl.  She has been losing weight and doing fairly well.  She was posting pictures of food and sharing what she ate.  She is doing weight Watchers,  which is pretty much just portion control.  The things she was eating was almost turning my stomach; for a few reasons.  For one, I've done that diet; it works but when you stop, most of the time the weight comes back on.  In my opinion it is difficult to make the lifestyle change needed to lose and maintain a lot of weight. She made a comment about not whining and crying over the bad things that happened to her.  But I think she may be surprised how that may change as she loses weight.  I doubt that what happened to me happens to all, but I bet it happens to a lot of people who have been morbidly obese for most of their lives. There's usually something tucked tightly away under all those layers.  Anyway, I found myself getting aggravated and being very judgemental so...I "unliked" the page; maybe it wasn't the right thing to do but I felt the need to do it at that time.

Sounds pretty silly, huh??  I think so.

Things were off to a great start today.  Went to church this morning; what great service.  I realized on the way home that my perspective  has changed in so many areas; the way I think and the way I feel about some things.  Is it a good thing?  I'm pretty sure it is.I'm just surprised...I'm surprised about so many things lately, especially changes in my life.  Beginning with the way I look, feel, and how I think about things.  Trying to figure out people in my life, as they try to figure me out as well. My boys are changing so much now I need to figure them out all over again.  So many changes for someone who struggles with change...YIKES!

Been thinking a lot lately about some friends, how things have changed, and how I should approach some things or concerns I have.  I wonder if its even worth saying anything at all.  There are times when we feel like we are always there for people, but it's at their convenience. Its even to the point with a couple of people, that I can almost predict when I might hear from them.  What do you do with that?

Softball season has begun!  We had our first game today, that we had to forfeit because we were short 2 people, however, the other team agreed to have a scrimmage.  It was fun, it felt good to get back to playing.

My eating has been great.  I'm loving that even though I feel completely damaged (physically), aggravated and emotional about this whole back thing, I'm not doing any emotional eating or binging,  I wish I could explain what a great feeling this is.  I love it!  I feel like I have broken away from something that has weighed me down and literally controlled my life for years and years.

Within the past few weeks some great changes were made; there's been closure, perspective, how I feel about some and how I deal with them.  I realized with some people that I was angry at them...I didn't realize it for a long time.  I just thought, well I'm not sure what I thought.  But one day I realized I was angry, I figured out why, I dealt with it, and let it go. All this has changed because of a series being done at church...it's amazing.

The one thing I wanted to change 2 1/2 years ago has led to so much more, in so many different areas of my life...and its all good.

Today has been pretty peaceful.  I woke up this morning feeling worse but decided I needed to refocus before this really started to get to me.  The pain in my back this morning was bad and the numbness traveled.  I am now numb from my hip right down to my toes on the right side.  Not only is this annoying it’s painful.  I’m even putting off going to the bathroom because the feeling of my pants moving on my leg literally makes me nauseas.  I decided to take anti-inflammatories, pain killers, and not sit all day.  I think it’s helped.  Although the numbness has not subsided I’m a little more comfortable.

When I saw the chiropractor on Friday we talked about the numbness and he said if it doesn’t get better soon he will send to see a neurologist.  He also told me that when I go to see him Monday morning we are going to start a more aggressive treatment…ummm, ok.  That made nervous knowing how much its hurt when he wasn’t being aggressive.  So for now, I am going to try my best not to think about this and worry about it.  Just going to take it a day at a time.

Being so concerned about not being able to work out, I decided to really focus on my eating again; it’s been going really well!  We are planning on doing a long walk tomorrow so at least I’ll be able to get that in and I may attempt some other exercises tomorrow depending on how I feel.  It’s so frustrating for me not to work out.

The weekend has been pretty good so far.  We went to see Matt Kearny last night.  What an awesome show!  If you ever have the chance to see him, you must!  Even the open band, Leagues, was great.  We absolutely enjoyed every moment…except for when TJ started yelling at some obnoxious little college kid.  Tomorrow is busy, church, softball game, then Justin’s baseball practice, and a long walk somewhere in between.

Loving the fall weather we are having…makes me want to go pumpkin picking! 

Still having trouble with numbness in my thigh.  Been trying to loosen the muscles up hoping it will allow the compressed discs to separate.  Although very painful in the beginning of rehabilitation, by the end I am ready to fall asleep.  During our workout today Brent had me do an exercise to loosen up my quads. It went well when working on my left leg…not so much on the right leg.  I couldn’t completely do the exercise because of the tightness.  I really wanted to cry at one point it was so painful.  By the time I was done, I was pretty relaxed so I headed back to my desk.  WELL…the quad in my right leg started cramping up like crazy…yes, that did make me cry.  I couldn’t do anything to make it better.  I tried rubbing it, massaging it with the lacrosse ball, walking around…nothing helped; it stopped about an hour later.

The good thing is that the numbness wasn’t worse at the end of today. Last night the numbness increased so much it had me pretty worried.  I’m feeling a little better about things today; trying to be optimistic and staying off WebMD so I won’t self-diagnose myself.

As far as the half marathon goes; I’m not sure what’s going to happen but I'm going to push forward as best I can.  I can walk so I am going to try to do some this weekend.  Eventually I’ll work myself into a run/walk.  I have 4 hours to finish it before they throw me in the back of a truck and escort me to the finish line haha…so I need to find a good pace.

But on a serious note, and I never thought I would say this about running; I am so disappointed that this is turning out this way.  I’m so excited about the progress I made while training for the half.  My workouts were going great, my running was improving so much, and the weight was falling off.  I was in the best mindset I’ve ever been.  I’m praying I don’t lose it completely.  I don’t want this to become one of those ridiculous setbacks I have.  My new goal isn’t to run that half, it’s to not lose what I worked so hard for and to get back into that same mindset I was in before this happened.

Be Careful About What You Say...It May Come Back and Bite you Right in the Butt...

I was so excited that I was feeling better during the week and that I was able to get back to running Saturday morning.  I had a pretty good run to!  Immediately following my run we jumped in the car so we could pick up Justin’s glasses, rushed home after that, showered, then right back out the door to head to a party in Edisto.

It was a beautiful day at the beach!  I was really enjoying it.  But as I was sitting there my right thigh began to tingle.  It was so odd.  I thought maybe I was getting sunburn; which really doesn’t make any sense but I couldn’t imagine what was going on.  As the day went on it only got worse.  Right after we left Edisto I rushed home again to go out with the most fabulous group of people.

We went to downtown Charleston for dinner; what a beautiful night but still the numbness would get worse and before I knew it, my entire thigh was numb (and that’s a lot of numbness).  It was so distracting; I wasn’t sure what it was and it had me a little uptight.  I tried to put it out of my mind as much as I could.  Whenever we sat it would worsen but then when we walked around it would feel a little bit better.

The next day I tolerated it; I figured I did something to my back but I couldn’t place where or when I would have hurt it.  Later on in the day, it felt as though my face, on the same side as my thigh, was going numb to.  I thought for sure I was having a stroke or I had a blood clot.  We went to the urgent care center where they did all kinds of tests.  Blood, x-rays, and CT scan; everything came back fine with the exception of the x-ray.  The space that should have been between my S1 and L5 was all gray…the space is gone…darn it! 

The next day I stayed home from work and called the chiropractor; he took me in within an hour and a half.  I was excited to hear that it was because my hip flexors and quads were so tight that it caused the disks to come together.  So with some therapy and stretching I should be fine.

I’m pretty upset about the fact that my training for the half is being interrupted.  I’m not sure how I am going to be able to do this especially with not knowing how long it will be before I can run again.  I’ve benefited from the running so much between weight loss and self-confidence.  I was so excited about my progress. 

I’m feeling like all the mean rotten things I used to say about running has come back and bit right in the glutes, the hip flexors, and the quads <sigh>...that’s karma for ya.

I’m feeling a little bit better tonight.  During our training session Brent had me do all kinds of rolling and stretching, which almost brought me to tears but towards the end almost put me to sleep.  It was wonderful…he is wonderful!  Have I ever mentioned how great he is?

Back to the chiropractor tomorrow…praying for some more relief overnight.

"See You Later" is so much easier then "Goodbye"

Has there ever been a time when someone comes into your life and impacts it so much in a short time?  At first you see this person and are unsure about what you see and what you feel simply because you know there is something special about them but you just don’t know what it is.  Then slowly, in a guarded way, you open up a tiny bit; crack a smile at that person, begin some small talk here and there, yet still unsure.

As time goes by a friendship develops; then one night, it happens.  The “something special” about that person is revealed. They open up to you, you open up to them and you realize how much you have in common. They share their experience, you share yours.  You cry a little, than laugh a little.  When you have someone who understands what you are going through because they had the same or similar experience, it helps you…it even seems to save you at times.  Then, before you know it, that wonderful person, who you’ve only known for a year, is aiding in your healing process.  She understands you, has been in your shoes, is there just at the right time, she reassuring and lots of fun.

Teresa, thank you for your kindness and support, you’ve put many smiles on my face and added lots of laughter to my days…especially my Mondays.  Your determination during our workouts motivated me to work harder.  I’m going to miss seeing you but I know in my heart I’ll always have you there (there being Facebook haha) for me and I’ll be there for you.   Wishing you Leif, and sweet little Aiden all the best.  I’m so grateful to God for bringing you to us during your time in Charleston.  Love you girl…see you later J

A picked the perfect day to stay home from work.  For one thing, it was absolutely beautiful outside.  I left the house at 10AM and didn’t return home until 9PM.Being outside and out of work was good since I am baring a heavy heart today.  There are a couple of things that are weighing it down right now but the anniversary of 9/11 has really added to it. Spending time alone,out and about gave me time to think and pray about a few of things.

I was watching the Today show this morning as they were reliving what happened.  I was literally sick to my stomach as I was sobbing.  Every time I watch those planes hit and see those towers crumble I feel as though those poor people are dying over and over again.  It’s completely heartbreaking.  A friend of mine has posted pictures of memorials for his brother who died that day.    Another friend who died that day is honored annually with a golf tournament; he was a firefighter.  It’s comforting to know that so many people are honoring them and holding true to their promise to never forget.

I was able to spend some time with a sweet, funny, crazy, “spoiled brat” today.  We had such a nice time and a good long talk.  She and her family are leaving town next week.  We became close when we realized how much we have in common; I’m really going to miss her L  But…I am looking forward to another night out with her and the rest of our Boot Camp group.

I’ve been praying for many things lately; my most important request is for the peace and comfort for a sweet child who is fighting for her life. Although I know of many who are praying for her, I’m afraid that it just won’t be enough, but keep praying, we will because I believe in miracles...

I’m hoping to release some of this heavy heartedness I have during my run tomorrow morning.  I can’t wait to do it!  My legs are feeling so much better today; so much so that I seriously considered running this morning but I knew the best thing was to do as I was told and wait until Saturday.  After the run it’s off to Edisto for the afternoon then back home to clean up then head out with some great people who, will undoubtedly, make me smile.

As the date of the half marathon nears I’m finding that I doubt myself more and more.  I’m not sure what in the world I was thinking when I signed up for this haha.  Is it normal to feel this way?  I’ve gotten some good advice from a co-worker whose done marathons and triathlons and who is doing an Iron Man the same weekend I do the half.

I don’t think I’ll be able to run the entire distance, the entire time.  I was hoping I could, but I don’t see it happening.  I know I set my expectations kind of high, but aren’t we supposed to do that to motivate and push ourselves harder? 

I think the only thing that’s making me feel better at this point is that I committed to doing this and I’m working towards it.  I set a goal to lose 20 lbs. before the event and I lost 23lbs at the half way point, I learned to run and I learned to like it to, I even look forward to my runs.  Well, even if I don’t do as well as I wanted to, I think lots of good things came out of preparing for this.

I’m not planning to run again until Saturday.  My legs have been sore but they are feeling better today.  We worked on upper body today, tomorrow I’ll take the day off then run Saturday morning.  I’m hoping the break that my legs are getting will help get my workout back to where they were.  I think the pain slowed me down; it was definitely a distraction that’s for sure.

The eating has been good…at this point I have to put more effort into cheating then preparing for healthier eating.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s easy to cheat, my point is that when I prepare for meals, it’s effortless since I made this lifestyle change.  I don’t have to rack my brains trying to figure what I need to eat.

Yesterday was our 13^th wedding anniversary; we had a nice day, a great dinner, and spent some quiet time alone together. The boys were telling us we need to go out and do something fun…haha…they are so funny; I think they just try to get rid of us sometimes. J

I’m becoming a bit concerned about the pain in my legs.  The soreness is unbearable this evening.  I had to leave Justin’s baseball practice because I was so uncomfortable sitting down and I wanted to get home and get on the foam roller and lacrosse ball.  Well, the foam roller was out of the question.  I couldn’t stay on there for more than about 30 seconds.  I was literally in tears.  My right leg is throbbing now.  Usually, while doing this, it is very painful, but once I’m done it feels pretty good; not tonight for some reason.  We talked about fish oil today and increasing it.  No doubt this will help with pain, so I’ll be ordering lots this week.

Today’s workout was pretty good, during the workout we were trying to correct my squats…I didn’t realize what a mess they were haha.  We had a few laughs over that.  I was trying too hard and over thinking it way to much that m lower back and knee started to hurt a bit haha.

Eating went real well today; the weekend was a bit rough but I got through it.  Running was off this weekend as well.  I’m planning to run again Thursday night or Friday morning.  I’m really looking forward to doing this without any pain…fingers crossed.

I’ve been reading a book by Joyce Meyer called Battlefield of the Mind.  Amazing how you can read something and feel as if the book was written just for you.  I’m really learning lots about myself and how to handle and redirect my thoughts.  One thing I learned while reading last night was that I am a “worry addict”.  How crazy is that?  It specifically says in the book, “if they do not have something of their own to worry about, they will worry over someone else’s situation.”  That is exactly what I do.  It then goes on to say that, “It is absolutely impossible to worry and live in peace at the same time”.  I never thought about it this way, yet it is so obvious.  I always prayed for peace of mind, which I rarely had.  Now I understand why, I couldn’t stop the worrying.  It’s almost like a comfort zone since I made it such an important part of my life…that just sounds crazy.  Oh well…moving forward and not worrying; well working on it anyway J 

Tomorrow is our 13^th wedding anniversary…I can’t believe how quickly that went. It’s times like this that I realize how time flies by and I realize that there is no time for tears, anger, bitterness and all those fun negative things in life I would allow to dictate my day.  I love the changes I’m making and how I’ve been feeling about my life.  I’m so thankful to God that TJ and I are able to work through our differences, talk about changes, laugh, love and be happy whether it’s just the 2 of us or the 5 us.  He has accepted so many changes because of me over the past two and half years; changes that affected our relationship, our boys, our lives in almost every way.  He stuck with me, supported me, kept me grounded, and loved me unconditionally. I could never thank him enough for all he does for our family.  Happy anniversary TJ!

Still praying for comfort and peace for a sweet little girl who is still fighting hard.  Please keep her and her family in your prayers; they are in need now more than ever.

Philippians 1:27a "Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ."

I feel like I need to blog, and I really want to, but I have some thing going through my mind that are more negative then positive.  Thoughts questioning others, their motives, maybe even their integrity.  I'm not sure how to handle these things, do I let it go, do I ask questions?  I to often leave things alone which either makes things worse for me or it just sends the message that they are getting away with something.

For as much as I think I am a pretty good judge of character, I find that I have been doubting myself lately.  Things like this stress me out; this and a few other things that happened over the weekend.

But, for the most part the weekend was good; relaxing.  I slept through my running date; when I didn't show up Val and Jenn ran to my house to get me, but I slept through that part to.  Spent some time with friends during a birthday party which made for a very nice afternoon. We had a Fantasy Football draft get together this evening which was lots of fun.  I'm looking forward to this, its a new experience for me.  Had a good, long lunch date with a friend.  We talked and even cried a little over running, of all things haha.

I've been struggling with pain in my legs this weekend.  We did Zumba at work on Friday which just about killed me.  I cant believe with all the things I do between working out and running during the week that Zumba actually does this to me.  Been stretching, rolling, and lacrosse balling but its still hurts.  I think I may need to head back to that adorable little chiropractor for help so I can get through the half marathon.

I'm looking forward to a nice, quiet week and praying hard for a sweet little girl who is in need of comfort and peace,

It's been quite a day.  We started with baseball practice for Justin...he did great!  I'm so proud of him.  We headed home and cleaned the house a bit, showered, then headed out for a sweet little boy's birthday party.  After that it was back to the house, a friend stopped by, we watched a real sweet movie called "Something Borrowed" then talked and cried.  Much sadness is on the horizon for a dear family; praying so hard for a miracle.

Having hip pain throughout yesterday and today.  It's not a steady pain but more of a quick stabbing pain.  I think I just may be falling apart haha.  I tried to run last night but it wouldn't work, there was pain and I was worried about making it worse. 

Keeping so many in my prayers tonight, especially one sweet child. 

Yay!

I received an email today that I am very excited about!  For a while now I have felt compelled to become involved with some sort of charity; having done this before I was unsure if I should go back to one that I previously worked with or if I should find something new.  Well, over the past couple of years I’ve developed a passion for something that has completely transformed me in so many ways (can you guess what that would be?J)

I wasn’t quite sure where to begin; I looked into charities to get involved with through work, thought about going back with Habitat for Humanity, talked about doing a fundraiser with others, but nothing ever really happened…clearly it wasn’t supposed to be.

Well, when we were at MUSC for Justin’s appointment last week, his doctor recommended I contact and organization that works with kids who are obese. I called them to get more information only to find out we don’t qualify for the program because of our income.  So at that point I knew the organization couldn't help me, but could I help them?  Why not? Organizations like that are always looking for volunteers, right? RIGHT!

She went on to tell me that they need volunteers to do all kinds of stuff; nothing that had to do with working directly with the kids though.  I told her that’s what I wanted.  So she told me about 2 programs they have.  One is underway and on-going and the other was still up in the air.  They were waiting for a date and school to hold the program at.  This is a portion of what she e-mailed me today:

Hi Maria, thank you for your call this week and your email. And bless you for your truthful story and desire to give back. You would be great to give testimonial to our kids. As we talked about on the phone, we have a few options for volunteers – 1 – Run Buddies (on-going) or 2 – Fit Club (2 starting in January). If you would be interested in trying to fit a night a week at Fit Club into your schedule, I will send you to our Program Director for that and y’all will work together to come up with a plan. If Run Buddies interests you, you sign up directly on the web site and www.runbuddies.org. I believe we touched on Saturday morning workouts on the phone...? We haven’t decided anything on the when and where moving forward with that yet so have nothing to share. :-)

How great is this!  I can’t wait to find out what the next step is.  I responded and told her I wanted to get involved with The Fit Club program and Saturday morning workouts so now I am waiting to hear what it is I need to do to prepare and plan.  Here’s the link for some information on the Fit Club…

http://www.louieskids.org/help/fit-club.cfm

Today has been a great day.  I’m so grateful that this opportunity has popped up and I’m praying it all works out.  I think I may gain as much out of this if not more, than the kids.  I am so grateful to God for what he has blessed me with and even more grateful that I am in place in my life where I now recognize how blessed I truly am.

Feeling somewhat happy that the day come to an end.  It was stressful and caused lots of distraction, It ended well though; Justin had to work on a timeline project for school.  We pulled out lots of photo albums, sat on our bed and looked through them with the boys.  It was so much FUN! It was a great distraction from reality. The boys were so cute looking through them.  This was absolutely the bright spot in my day.  We need to do this more often.  Its amazing to see how much the kids have grown and how much we have changed. 

Looking forward to a nice long weekend that will consist of relaxation, house work, a sweet little boys birthday, Worship Team auditions, church, softball practice, and a fantasy football draft...hmmm, I didn't realize we were that busy.

Our Boot Camp challenge has ended; it was a great experience.  Today was my first day off and I had some candy corn...its too early to put out Halloween candy!  Talk about a sugar rush...wow!  Have straight sugar in the form of a tri-colored cone after eating so clean can be dangerous haha.  I haven't done a fast in a while; I'm thinking about doing one Sunday or maybe even Saturday...we'll see how the weekend goes.