Where did the ridiculous sense of worthlessness I feel come from? I’ve thought about this for years. I would have these crazy little pity parties, binge like a madwomen then cry myself to sleep. So after all that thinking over the years what did I come up with…
A good part of it had to do with the men I dated. When I was in high school I fell for this guy named Billy. He was great, good looking, football player, lacrosse player, sweet as can be. He really cared about me, we hung out together with a group of friends, always gave me a kiss goodbye, smiled at me, I just melted when I was around him. It was odd though…we weren’t “going out” with each other, yet at times it felt like we were a couple. It was confusing to me, so many mixed messages. Why wouldn’t he just “ask me out”?
I was dieting, again, at that time. I was doing great! We were at the high school basketball game and someone made a comment to me about losing weight. I told them that I lost about 35lbs. One of Billy’s friends was sitting behind me and started yelling, “Hey Bill, did you hear that? She lost 35lbs, only 5 to go!” I was confused, again. What did he mean by that? I found out later that evening the Billy did have feelings for me, HE LIKED ME! WooHoo! But he wasn’t about to ask me out until I lost a total of 40lbs. Really, seriously, well alright then…I’ll do just that! I only have to lose 5 more pounds.
After I found that out, I wouldn’t eat all day at school then we would go to my friend Leslie’s house and eat cheese and watch MTV. I just loved her; we all had so much fun together. She knew the situation with Billy so whenever I was tempted to stray from eating only cheese she would start singing, to the tune of a Phil Collins song, “You can’t hurry love, no you have to lose weight”. We laughed about it at the time…never realizing how it would affect me later on. He finally “asked me out” when I hit that 40lb mark. Clearly things didn’t last between Billy and me. We were at a party, he knew I was going to be there, but he brought someone else anyway….even though we were a couple. Within a couple of days of that happening, we broke up.
The next guy I dated…another Billy, was just ok. I never felt the way I did about this Billy that I did for the other Billy. However, he got my attention when we were playing tag football at the park. He was the Quarterback and when I asked him what I should do he told me to stand there and look pretty. Pretty? Really? Well alrighty then! I was so flattered! Someone thought I was pretty…and he wasn’t even drunk. Afterwards a group of us went back to his house to eat. He, along with another guy, ran to the store to get beer. He came back from the store, with a rose, for me! I was shocked.
Billy the 2nd and I dated for a little while. We planned on going to a party together; he was supposed to pick up this girl Edith and me. We were standing in front of my house for an hour. He was a “no show”. So we got another ride to the party and there is this jerk sitting there just glaring at me. Then he has the nerve to ask what I was doing there. Really? So what does a sweet young lady do at a party in this situation? She hooks up with Billy the 1st and leaves Billy the 2nd behind. Needless to say, that was the end of that relationship.
So here is the big one! The one who left the biggest scar. Yup, it was Billy the 3rd. My “first love” (I use that term loosely), we met, got engaged, made all our wedding plans. We were together for 3 years. Life was wonderful! It was great for us. In August of 1986 I went to Myrtle Beach with a few friends. We were having a great time. I called Billy to talk, see how things were. He told me he was getting ready to go out…with his ex-girlfriend…WHAT!?! He proceeds to tell me that they got back together. And here’s the kicker…he said it was entirely my fault because I gained weight and he was ashamed to be seen with me. Umm…what the heck do you say to that? Nothing…you bottle it up inside of you and burry it under more weight. After that happened I put on 100lbs, I was so disgusted with myself!!!
After years of wondering about all this I’ve concluded that there are some people who have a void in their life that needs to be filled. They attach themselves to someone, like me and I’m sure many of you, who will be there for them anytime of the day, have long conversations with them, comfort them, assist them in anyway, totally re-prioritize their lives for them.
But when someone else comes along, someone better, they just end it. Suddenly things are different. They may give an explanation they may not. They’ll turn it all around and say well you did this and you did that to justify the pain they are causing. But wait a minute…the only thing I did was care, too much. I gave, too much. I loved, too much. And what am I left with? Confusion, lack of understanding, no more confidence, feeling disposable, and a strong sense of extreme worthlessness. How do you prevent this from ever happening again? I’ll never know.
Oh yeah…I recommend not dating ANYONE by the name of Billy…just say’n J
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