From morbidly obese to broken now onto healing...thanks guys!

My first blog explains how my journey began…so how did it end?  It has not.  It has only gotten more complex.  I didn’t realize that losing weight would be more like pealing layers and buried under all those layers are emotions that have buried for years.  The more weight I lost, the more those emotions would seep through.  Kind of like when you eat too much garlic and the stench seeps through the pores of your skin, some smell it, while others are unfazed by it. 

This began to happen to me without me even realizing it and it’s still going on.  And being the emotional eater that I am it only makes things more challenging.

The first session on Boot Camp was a battle for me but I did!!  I argued with myself to go, I hid in the crowd (which really didn’t work), and stayed away from those damn mirrors.  The trainers who instructed were great.  They were genuinely concerned.  My first impressions of them were off.  They were real people.  Not the typical gym people I experienced years ago.   One of the trainers, Brent, would send me emails that were so encouraging.  It was the encouraging emails and the little things that people in the Boot Camp did along the way that kept me going.

After the first session ended I was trying to set a few appointments up with the trainer I worked with prior to the start of Boot Camp.  There was a week in between sessions and I didn’t want to get off track.  The trainer was too busy.  It took him about a week and a half to get back to me to tell me he couldn’t train me for at least another week.  I know that I’m not a priority to him or anyone else, but I needed to do something before I lost my motivation.

I really can’t recall exactly how it happened but Brent and I set up a few appointments to train.  We trained at my house and at the gym to see how well we worked together.  It was great!  He is an amazing trainer.  His methods are ideal for me. Working one on one with him gave me a whole different outlook on what I could achieve.  Who would have ever thought I would be able to achieve anything…well apparently everyone but me.

We had lots of long talks about diet, exercise, dealing with emotions, anything and everything.  He was a great trainer, coach, and mentor.  He helped me through more than I ever imagined. He became an outlet; I was able to pour my heart out to him.  He would listen and ask simple questions that were hard to answer.  He had an amazing way of guiding me to talk myself through things so I could make good decisions or recognize and face things I would normally turn away from.  He helped me to face the demons that haunted me from my past.  Now that I have done that, I am finally in a place where I need to heal.  I’m not sure many people realize, unless they’ve been through this, that this requires discovering your brokenness and once that’s done, going through the healing process.

Before I realized how “broken” I was.  My weight loss was booming.  The more weight I lost, the more layers were pealed back and more emotions seeped out.  As that happened my weight loss slowed down.  Although I made progress in 2010 it wasn’t enough.  I should have reached every goal I set, I didn’t.   I disappointed myself and others around me.

A lot of things started to fall apart, my support system changed, my focus shifted.  I’m beating myself up trying to figure out why and how things got to this point, which is only making things harder.  At times I have regrets of revealing those demons.  I believe, at times, that it may have been better to have left them buried deep, deep inside of me but if I had done that I would never have begun the healing process.  I really believed I had a handle on things for a while, but not anymore.  It seems like all the opportunity I had and wanted slipped away.  What did I do wrong? Is the question I can’t figure out an answer to.

Through all this chaos I’ve created, an amazing thing happened.  I reconnected with God in a way I never thought I would.  Although I’m struggling with getting on track, I find peace in between panic attacks when in the past I needed medication.  The way I handle my stress is much different, it’s much better, but it’s still there.  I listen in church, I hear the message, and I am learning to apply it to my life.  It’s refreshing and so enlightening.  Brent, the trainer, and James, a friend of ours, started a weekly Bible Study.  It’s been an amazing experience for me and our entire group.  I’m quiet a good part of the time, I’m listening, and I get confused at times.  The others in the group are all knowledgeable.  I am by far the least educated but I am enjoying learning even though I am not contributing much to the group at this point.

For Christmas TJ, my husband gave me a bible.  What a special gift this was for me!  He had my name embossed on it even has extra-large print (yes, he took my aging eyes into consideration).  I was so moved, I cried.  He was so excited.  It was an amazing moment for both of us.  The feeling of him accepting yet another change I made, that affected our entire family, meant the world to me.

For so much of this I thank Brent, he was a blessing I received that I never deserved.  Throughout my fitness, brokenness, and now spiritual journey his support, guidance, and the simple fact that he believed in me brought me to the place I am today. I thank James who is like a human Bible, so passionate and fun to learn from. 

Most of all to TJ, for sticking with me even after all the hell I put him through.  While I was being so selfish he tolerated me and stuck by me and continues to do so.   For a while, I failed to recognize how much he believed in me and supported me.  There were times I thought he was working against me, but he wasn’t, he was desperately trying to keep me grounded and keep our family intact.  How can you ever express appreciation to your husband for this?  It’s simple, you love and respect him…from the second you realize this and continue to do so, until death do you part.