It's not what's on the outside, but what's on the inside that matters.

I sat in bed last night to blog but wasn’t sure what to write about.  After just a few minutes of thinking a friend popped up on my Facebook chat.  She is someone I met recently.  We got into a deep conversation and realized we had something traumatic in common.  I knew there was something special about her; I just didn’t know what it was.  I found out last night and I am so happy I did.  We now have each other to turn in our moments of weakness.

Here’s my story…Back in the 90’s I started dieting again, I lost just over 90lbs!  I was on a role and doing great.  I lost over 30lbs in just a few months.  I was focused and strict with my food.  As usual, I slowly started to stray from my diet.  I would start eating in between meals and then eventually increased my portion sizes.  Before I knew it I was putting weight back on.

I started to panic, I was desperate to keep losing weight and even more desperate not put any more on.  Once I start to panic I begin to lose control then all sorts of anxiety sets in.  The more this happened the more I ate.

My overeating quickly turned into binging, things were totally out of control! Before I knew it the purging began.  Finally…I had control, I may lose control when I’m binging but I can regain control by purging.  At first this wasn’t a big deal to me.  It happened once, maybe twice a week.  My weight started to stabilize again…I was so excited! 

Here’s where the problem worsened, I was interested in someone and he was interested in me.  It was a friendship that should have stayed just that but it did not.  The emotional rollercoaster ride began once again!  The sad thing was that I wasn’t holding on for this ride.  The rollercoaster flew off the tracks and brought me to the darkest days of my life.

We came from two totally different worlds; this was something that was not supposed to happen.  We both knew it but didn’t give up.  We were stubborn, lonely, and both out of touch with reality.  Eating became my harness…I held on to it for safety, purging was the only time I felt like I could gain control. 

Before I knew it, it was happening 3 times a week then 4 and 5 times, then within a few weeks, after every meal and binge.  It totally broke me; it killed me professionally, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I lost faith and hope in everything.  All that mattered to me was that toxic person I spent so much time with and Twinkies….I dislike him for what happened, but I hold nothing against the Twinkies J 

I needed help and I knew it.  No one could know about this; I mean how could they possibly figure it out?  Here I am, bulimic, yet still at least 60lbs overweight.   I decided to go to therapy.  I found the most amazing therapist.  We talked and talked.  It was all about me, how I feel, how I should feel.  She talked me through things; she asked questions and allowed me to discover the answer within myself.  I began to heal.  The purging stopped and the binging slowed down.  I was well on the road to recovery.

She told me to prepare myself for a relapse, it happens to most people.  NOT ME!  I felt too good.  I felt better than ever.  I released all my feelings, frustrations, guilt that I had bottled up inside of me.  I had no worries.  I wasn’t prepared for what was about to happen.

And so the relapse began…I lost control, I binged…but I refused to purge.   Still without much faith in God and myself I just gave up.  I needed to put an end to this madness.  I was ready to end it.  I sat in the bathroom on the floor for a half hour wanting to die; seriously considering ending my life to escape the demons that took over my mind and body. 

I couldn’t do it.  I thought about my family, my adorable nephew.  The therapist that worked so hard on me…the therapist!!  Why didn’t I think to call her sooner?  By the Grace of God I snapped out of it…I called her.  She called me back within minutes.  We talked and talked and in the sweetest most professional way she told me, “I told you to prepare yourself for a relapse”, and we laughed.

I worked with her 3 days a week, 3 turned to 2, and then 2 turned to 1.  I went into group therapy with others who were challenged with eating disorders.  These ladies were beautiful.  I couldn’t understand how they could be so hard on themselves.  They were so broken, like me.  It was so sad.  It was while observing their brokenness that helped me heal.  We all became close, we cried and laughed together.  It was the most amazing experience I’ve had up to that point in my life.  When I moved out of state my therapy ended.  I was ready to go…my therapist agreed.  It was like graduation day for me!

This was a time in my life that I learned from yet wanted to bury forever.  I was ashamed of what I did and how I treated myself.  I have learned much since then though.  I won’t ever allow myself to get into such a dark place ever again.  I recognize when I am losing control then I know what I need to do.

I reluctantly share this but I feel like I need to.  This angel who had the courage to share her story with me last night has inspired me to share mine with you.  If a single person gets anything positive out of this, my purpose has been served.

Thank you friend, remember, you promised me a hug J

From this I’ve learned that beauty matters only when it’s on the inside.  The ladies I met were all beautiful, looked healthy yet they felt ugly and worthless on the inside.

This is a picture of me; I am the one in the blue dress.  On this day I looked pretty, I never considered myself to be pretty but that day I did.  Everyone had something to say about how beautiful I looked.  Before I lost weight this time, I was told I had such a pretty face …that was it, just my face but on this day it was all of me that looked pretty.  Everyone, including myself, thought I looked pretty, however, I was in the lowest, darkest place ever.  I realized that it doesn’t matter what is on the outside that gets us through life.  It was when I felt the worst and was at my all-time low that I looked my best. 

I looked back now and I feel as though I sold my soul for 1 day of physical beauty; I realize it wasn’t worth it.  I am much happier today even though I still have lots of weight to lose.  I often wonder why I had to go through all this crazy stuff.  What could His plan possibly be for me?