Well, I had some anxiety after my last post. I thought, what the heck did I just do? I just threw parts of the worst time of life out to anyone and everyone. Those were things that I hid from almost everyone. I lost some sleep the night I posted it and worried about it throughout the next day. I seriously considered deleting the post. I was almost sick to my stomach. But there was an odd sense of comfort, as if t there was someone reassuring me that it was a good thing to share.
I was wondering why I was so desperate to hide it back then. I felt the need to tuck it away so it would never rear its ugly head. Was it because it was a disgusting thing to do? Did I want people to think that I didn’t have control over my life? What if people realized I wasn’t the happy “go lucky” person they always perceived me to be? If I didn’t hide it and others found out, would they think “how can she have an eating disorder? She’s still so fat”. So many stupid thoughts and questions.
It amazes me how much I overthink things. How I put a spin on things, in my own mind, that makes things so much worse than they really are. The questions I asked myself just made me doubt myself more, they lead me to trust people less, they convinced me that I was even more worthless then I originally thought I was. My insecurities flourished, and things only worsened.
What if I didn’t work so hard at hiding it? What if I did share it with someone I could trust? People care about me. There are people who love me and want to see me well. Would some pass judgment? Of course they would, but whose issue is that really, mine or theirs?
I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't experience this...would it be different? Of course it would! Feeling less insecure and safe is refreshing. Not worrying the way I used to is rejuvinating. Am I where I want to be? No, but I am well on my and it feels wonderful! I wish I had the courage to deal with this years ago; better late then never,
I think it’s so important to be aware of those around us, whether it is a friend, sibling, parent, co-worker. Do you ever suspect something might be going on? I think there are many times we have a “gut feeling” but choose to ignore it because we don’t want to offend someone or get caught up in someone else’s problem.
Well what if you can help someone else? Sometimes it requires a shoulder to cry on other times it may mean seeking professional help for them. Imagine the feeling you would have if you helped someone, possibly even saved there life? How amazing would that be?
What if you ignored silent cries for help? Imagine how you would feel if that person had a break down or possibly took their own life? Would you rather live with the fact that a simple act of kindness saved someone or live with a potential tragedy because you were too busy to help someone deal with their problem?
I love to help others! I want to listen, comfort and reassure. I’m just someone who cares, not a professional. How do I help when it requires more than “just being there?” I look for resources on the internet…there are tons, all over the place. There are facilities, doctors and counselors ready to help those people…those people just need to get to those professionals, whether they go themselves or YOU bring them.
My therapist gave me amazing advice. The one thing she told me that stuck with me to this day was that I needed to have faith, I needed to grow spiritually. I needed something to believe in, a higher power. My spiritual journey was sporadic throughout the years but has been strengthening within the past few months. It is the reason I won the battle against the demons that haunted me for years. It is what will heal me.
So back to my first question and statement, “What the heck did I just do? I just threw parts of the worst time of life out to anyone and everyone.” I did it because it’s my time to give back. To show my gratitude to God; to do what is expected of me.
It was simple, so obvious. "Stop overthinking things Maria...it's not about you!" It's not about us.
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