Wow….what a weekend it has been filled with excitement and so much anxiety.  I wish my anxiety would step to the side, at the very least for the happy, fun times in my life.

Saturday started out like any other normal Saturday would. Woke up, ate breakfast, worked out.  The only odd the about it was that my 8 year old wanted to work out with Kristine, a lady in our boot camp, and I only if he could design and run the workout.  He did and it was pretty tough.  After that I had to head out to pick up a donation for my son Joe’s performing arts Youth Company.  Of course I got lost on my way out to where I needed to go.  It was quite a distance but well worth it.  Two ladies that I used to work with opened up a beautiful shop a few years ago.  It’s wonderful!  I couldn’t resist but to buy a few things for myself.

I was headed back home when I noticed my friend Traci called me a few times.  I called her back and she asked if I got her text.  I received a text that I read from her earlier, but she was referring to a different text.  She was calling me to let me know that her son Jonathan received an acceptance letter to a school he and my son Joe auditioned for.  The girl was freaking out!

So, with that said…I needed to know if I should be freaking out to.  She lives across the street from me so I asked her if my husband was home, she said he was.  I then told her to go to my mailbox to see if the mail was still in there, it was.  I asked her to look through the mail to see if we received a letter from the school, WE DID!

I asked her to go to my door and ring the bell and have my husband open the letter.  The next thing I knew there was screaming and screeching at the other end of the phone.  Traci was trying to talk but I couldn’t understand a darn word she was saying.  So it was safe to assume Joe got in as well…WOOH HOO!  I finally was able to speak to my husband…we were so excited that he too was accepted into the School of the Arts. 

I didn’t expect Joe to get in only because he didn’t have any coaching for the audition and just joined the performing arts youth company in the fall.  I figured when he would get denied and he could audition again next year when he had a bit more experience.

Because of that, because I didn’t think my son would get into that school, I feel HORRIBLE.  I felt so guilty.  My husband said he knew he would get in for theater.  When Joe finished his audition for theater I asked how he thought he did and he said, “Great, I’m getting in” and I thought my goodness you’re just like your dad haha.  I envy their confidence.  I love that they have it and I wish I had a fraction of it.

One day, just out of the blue,  Joe said he wanted to go to School of the Arts.  I didn’t know much about it other than it was a performing arts school and you needed to audition to get in.  He wanted to try out for Vocal Music and Theater Arts; Theater Arts being his first choice.  I told him he could audition; we filled out the applications, hired a voice teacher, and prayed.  And what to our surprise…he did it and we are so proud.

Here's a little bit about the school:  The School of the Arts is a county-wide magnet school that blends intensive artistic instruction with a strong academic program for nearly 1,000 students in grades 6-12.  The students receive daily instruction in their major art area and participate in a challenging academic curriculum that includes college preparatory, honors, and advanced palcement courses.  School of the Arts students have distinguished themselves creatively and academincally since the school began in 1995. Applications are based upon auditions in art majors in creative writing, dance, instrumental band, string orchestra, vocal music, piano, theatre, and visual art.  Student may apply in two areas but are only accepted in one.  Auditions are extremely competative.

Poor Joe has this terrible case of middle child syndrome.  Im hoping his acceptance into School of the Arts will cure it. Having an older brother with Asperger’s and a younger brother with PDD-NOS he has assumed a few different rolls.  One being brother, the other rolls are more parental, protector, drill sergeant haha.  Although Joe doesn’t know much about his brothers disabilities he notices their deficits.  He sees that they go to the doctor often, because of this Joe pays a visit to the school nurse regularly.  He has a peanut allergy and begs us to take him to see his allergist.  If he is truly sick and I take him to the doctor, he is excited about it.  It makes me sad to see him feel this way and most of the time I’m really not sure how to handle it. 

While Nick was in elementary he and I would spend many nights sitting at the kitchen table trying to study and complete homework.  Joe would always come over and want to help but I would always ask him to leave.  Not because I didn’t want him there or because he couldn’t help us.  It was only because Nick would be distracted.  Nick loves Joe; Joe always makes him laugh.  Joe would always walk away looking so down.

One of our biggest challenges with Joe is that he is demanding so much attention.  If someone compliments Nick or Justin on something, Joe will pop in and say something about what he’s done or he’ll say that he can do it better.  I know his intentions are not to belittle his brothers, I don’t think he realizes that it does.

He loves to have fun with people of all ages.  He acts so silly and makes so many people smile. He comes oh so close to crossing the line of being disrespectful sometimes.  When that child is making me laugh I have to interrupt my own laughter to remind him to remember who he is speaking to.

Joe is so sweet.  He will ALWAYS climb into bed for a back scratch or a belly rub.  If I’m sitting on the couch he sits right next to me and hugs my arm and talks away.  I love that he does this.  He always wants to talk to TJ and me.  There are times when I want some quiet time but I can’t resist him when he’s ready to just sit and talk about his day.  I take advantage of those opportunities as much as possible; I know they will end one day.

I just love that little boy…couldn’t imagine my life without him.  He’s one of the most caring, funniest, sweetest and handsome boys I know.  I thank God every night for 3 of the most amazing blessings he has ever given me. 

Don't Let Your Imagination Run Away With You

A "dreamer"…yup that would be me.  At times a "nightmarer" would have been more suitable.  I would always imagine different scenarios for different situations, good or bad, positive or negative.  Some “dreams” were happy others were devastating.  This would be my escape.  There were times when I felt alone, so sad, and worthless; I would imagine how people would react if I ever became seriously ill or if I were in a terrible accident.  There were other times when I would “dream” about a guy who I had a crush on.  I would imagine what it would be like to go out together, to be the most important person in his life. Here’s how far fetched my thoughts were; I would imagine winning the lottery…the biggest jackpot ever.  I would imagine sharing the money with friends, family and strangers…I would literally begin to cry when I imagined what their reaction would be because it made me so happy to see them happy.

All this seems so crazy, especially since all this affects my mood. For instance, if I call someone, email them, or text them, and I don’t hear back from them my mind starts to race.  I would try to figure out why that person wouldn’t get right back to me.  Did I do or say something wrong?  Are they ignoring me because they think I’m annoying them?  I think these things then when I see them I’m insecure, quiet, distant.  Why? Because I’ve internalized it so much that I lead myself to believe that something actually happened and I actually have a reason to react the way I do when I really don’t.

Why would I do this, why would anybody?  Why be the cause of my own anxiety and insecurities.

Back in December I started reading a book someone recommended.  I haven’t made it passed chapter 2.  I felt like I couldn't go any further until I got a handle on things.  This chapter pretty much described the way I think; the way I exaggerate my own thoughts.  The name of the book is”Classic Christianity” by Bob George, chapter 2 is called “The Truth in Error”

I took lots of notes when reading this.  These things really hit me hard and made me realize a lot about myself, how I misconstrued things, and how that effects my mood, my reactions and my perspective.

The first note I took from the book was this, “The thoughts we consistently feed into our minds will determine our emotions and our desires, which will, in turn, determine our actions.”  This is so true for me. I truly didn’t realize how much the way I put a twist on things affected me and the way I live my life.

Another note I took was, “Think thoughts that are in truth rather than thoughts that are in error.”  Hmmm….what a difference that would make, and it has, less anxiety since I’ve curbed my imagination and stopped, well cut back, on over thinking things.

“Thinking of the past stirs up old emotions”, well no wonder why I had so much trouble getting over my past.  I thought about it again and again.  Every time I did I felt the pain over again. I was torturing myself on a daily basis. It feels good to have “thrown” it away and to not dwell on it anymore.  I’m not saying I don’t EVER think about what was, I do, but the way I think and my perspective is much different now.

I really liked this next one.  It helped me move away from some of my insecurities.  If I’m in “worry mode” about why someone didn’t call me or doesn’t acknowledge me, if I feel like someone is watching or just looking at me I remember this, “If you’re worried about what people are thinking-forget it, they are not.  Most will be thinking about themselves.” 

“Don’t think about what things are going to be based on your own perspective rather than actual facts”.  Facts?  Oh, do those really need to be taken into consideration?  How creative would my imagination be if I actually looked at the facts?  This made me realize I need to take my imagination completely out of this.  It’s been a struggle to stop my mind from wandering and it doesn’t always work but it is so much better than it was and my perspective on lots of things is so much more positive.

“Become so familiar with truth as revealed in scripture so that when you are confronted with error it is easily discerned.  If we are not steeped in truth we become gullible and vulnerable to all sorts of error.” I am not all that familiar with scripture, but I’m learning…and it is wonderful, overwhelming, breath taking, and even frightening yet simply amazing all at the same time.  I love it when I’m talking to a friend about something and he relates what I’m saying or going through to a scripture, he explains it and I look at him like, “oh”.  It seems like it should be more confusing than it actually is. Things are not always as complex as I make them out to be.

And this one really made everything else fall into place.  This too seems so simple, yet I, being the control freak I was, never really saw it.  Maybe I just didn’t want to see it. But this has made a tremendous difference in my life just within the last 6 weeks. It truly summed everything up for me.  “The ultimate error, the lie against the truth is: I know more then you, God, about what’s right and wrong and good and evil.  I don’t need you to tell me the truth, I can discover it myself.” Had I recognized this years ago I would have saved myself a lot of pain and anguish.  I would have slept all those nights I stayed awake wondering and frustrated.  I would have prayed instead of cried trying to figure out what I was supposed to do.  All the obstacles I placed in front of myself, my entire life, would have been so much easier to get over.

So I guess it’s time to move onto Chapter 3, I believe I’m ready…finally J

Consistency, Stability, and Application...that's all I need and I'll be there!

Thinking back over the past 2 years has been frustrating for me.  I am desperately trying to find the mindset I had in 2009 when I started working out and dieting.  That year I made lots of progress.  In 2010 I made little progress physically but made tons of progress mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Thinking about it, I think it was a pretty good and very important trade off.

But I still need to backtrack…When I started in December of 2009 I was given a pretty strict diet.  I remember things being bland and boring.  I stuck to basically the same foods, which as I learned, is never very good.

When I switched trainers I also switched eating plans.  Brent did a seminar at a friend’s shop one evening.  I always thought “I know what I have to do; I just have to do it”.  After the first seminar I attended I realized I may just be wrong about that.  I attended another seminar he did a day or two later and realized just how wrong I was.

Brent recommended I start to follow the Zone diet.  It seemed so complex in the beginning but once I got the hang of it, it was simple.  I had a great list of foods that listed proteins, fats and what was considered favorable and what was not favorable carbs.  It had all the measurements so I knew how much I needed to have.  I would prepare meals on the weekends for the week.  It was almost foolproof. 

The Zone Diet worked well for me.  I would recommend it to anyone to try.  It taught me how to balance my proteins, fats and carbs.  Balance…who would have thought I would have been able to balance anything?  Well it worked great and the balance of those 3 elements balanced me.  I never knew how much food had an effect on my hormones.  It seemed within a week or so I felt different, I started to look different…it was crazy.  I was stable, well sort of J  my mood was stable, my highs and lows weren’t extreme.  This, in and of itself, had a huge impact on me being the emotional eater that I am.

Following the Zone diet was great.  BUT, it’s even better when you understand why you are doing what you’re doing.  I’ve followed many diets throughout my life but I never understood them.  I just ate what I was told to eat.  I truly believe this is why I was never able to stick to a diet and if I did and had success with it, I was never able to maintain.  The knowledge I gained from Brent’s seminars has made ALL the difference with my success.

Now that I had the Zone Diet down, we thought it was time I give the Paleo Diet a shot.  Paleo is all clean, non-processed foods, no grains or dairy.  WOW!  That’s a tough one.  Paleo has proven, by far, to be the best diet for me. I followed Paleo using the Zone methods.  My hormones stayed in check, my complexion was almost flawless, I dropped weight, wasn’t swollen, no stomach problems, slept great.  The changes were amazing!  I looked great, felt great, and made great progress.

The biggest challenge with Paleo, for me has to be within the first 2 weeks…DETOX.  My body had no clue what was happening to it when I did this.  After about a week of detox I would go into this “stupid” stage.  I couldn’t think clearly, it’s almost funny in a sense yet real scary when I realized that I feed such crap into my body.  Even after all I know I still do it.  I can’t make a bit of sense out of that.

After I would get through the detox period I would allow a cheat day…well a cheat day turned out to be too much, even just a cheat meal set me back.  Once I cheated on this diet I would be haunted by cravings…well maybe I’m exaggerating a tiny bit, but that’s what it seemed like. 

I try so hard to figure out why there is a way of eating that is so perfect for me yet I struggle to stick to it.  Why is it that when we know something is good for us we ignore it or stray from it?  It doesn’t make sense.

How much do you know about any diet you’ve been on?  Do you take the time to research it or do you just follow what’s in black and white?  Any diet will work if you follow it, but how is it affecting you, your hormones, and everything else?  I’ve learned the long hard way.  I took over 25 years for me to find the right person to educate me; now I know what I need to be successful.

Now it’s time to re-apply it.  My New Year’s resolution this year was to bring stability and consistency into my life.  I didn’t realize how difficult it would be, but it’s happening slowly but surely.  When I begin to worry and feel anxiety coming on I breathe deeply and pray.  When I feel the need to talk to someone specific I avoid them at times simply because I don’t want to burden them.  When I’m feeling extremely insecure about someone or something, I step away so I don’t “cling” to them then end up pushing them away from me.

 My biggest struggle is with change.  I never realized how difficult change was for me until the end of 2010.  Come to think of it I was always able to accept change and conform to it but for some reason, this time it was really hard to do and was so frustrating for me.  This caused my insecurities to flare up which resulted in an unstable situation and when that happen, it seems like my consistency becomes extinct.

I know that if I keep this under control and consistently apply everything Brent taught me I WILL reach the goals I have set for myself for 2011.

The Guilt Only A Mother Can Barely Bear

I have been blessed with 3 of the most amazing little boys.  All so unique in their own way, each one so special and needing attention in different ways.

My oldest, Nicholas, who is 11, has faced challenges since he was a month old.  At about 4 weeks old he started vomiting.  He spit up like infant but it soon turned into something worse.  Before we knew it he began projectile vomiting and dropped below his birth weight.

The night before a regular checkup with his pediatrician he was up all night.  He was so hungry but could not keep anything down.  My poor baby was literally starving. When the doctor examined him she could see that he was dehydrated.  She suspected it was Pyloric Stenosis and directed us to MUSC Children’s hospital.  By the time we got there Nick was lethargic.  We immediately met with a surgeon who examined Nick.  The surgeon pressed so hard on his tummy practically touching his spine and Nick didn’t budge.  The surgeon confirmed the pediatrician’s diagnosis and admitted him.

Pyloric Stenosis is a narrowing of the lower part of the stomach through which food and other stomach contents pass to enter the small intestine.  When it becomes enlarged food is prevented from emptying out of the stomach.  Surgery is required.

He did great with the surgery; it was quick and painless for Nick.  Before we knew it he gained all of his weight back and then some.  For me, it wasn't so painless.  As usual I tortured myself.  I couldn't bear to see him cry, I couldn't watch them put an IV in his arm.  It was heartbreaking.  But he healed and things were great for a few years.

Nick struggled bit in preschool.  When it was time for kindergarten many weaknesses became visible.  He would parallel play, he wouldn't interact with kids but would run with them and play next to them.

He had trouble grouping objects, organizing, following simples instructions, and focusing.  He wasn't able to maintain eye contact, he was annoyed by certain textures, smells, and sounds, he experienced speech issues and took everything literally-the world was black or white to him...there was no grey what so ever.

When Nick started 1st grade, he seemed to be day dreaming...just sort of drifting away and getting lost in his thoughts.  We were referred to a neurologist who diagnosed him with Absence Seizure.

He was prescribed medication.  The idea of putting a 6 year old on medication that affects his brain was so scary to me.  The medicine he was given, like most medications for seizure disorders, are also used to treat depression.  Within a couple of week of taking his medication my poor Nicholas fell into a depression.  He was talking about dying, blood, crazy stuff that I didn't even think he was aware of.  I called the doctor and he was immediately taken off the medication.  We tried another that wasn't right for him.  The side effects weren't as severe as the previous one but it still altered his personality.  Third times a charm...we changed his meds once again and this time,  got it right and he was on track.

The meds didn't resolve any other issues he had.  We didn't expect it to.  His neurologist suggested we have him tested for ADHD.  He referred us to Developmental Peds at MUSC where we had him evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD.  The psychologist strongly recommended medication.  The idea of putting him on more meds made me cringe. We tried what the doctor recommended and it worked well.

I was relieved that he was able to benefit from the meds without suffering any side effects.  We were even more excited when we took him for a followup test for his epilepsy and he grew out of it!  He was able to come off the medication he was taking for that. We were so excited about this!

Nick was still struggling with many other things.  He began to experience anxiety, he was obsessing over things.  All of his focus would go towards one thing for a few months then he would refocus on something else and obsess over that for a while.  This became a constant cycle.

When Nick entered 3rd grade his symptoms became more apparent.  My friend Laura spent much time in Nick's classroom volunteering.  Her daughter Madyson was in Nick's class at the time.  She called me one evening, her voice almost quivering.  She sincerely expressed concerns she had about Nick from what she observed in class.  She told me she knew of someone whose child has Asperger's Syndrome. Nick's symptoms sounded almost identical to this other child's.  Although this was tough to hear there was a sense of relief that we might be able to put a name to whatever it was that he had and we would be able to figure out how to help him.

I called MUSC to schedule and appointment so we could express our concerns.  The doctor agreed to test him.  Well, what do you know...Asperger's it is!  Nick was diagnosed the summer before he entered 4th grade.  It was devastating, at first, to hear this news.  I knew nothing about this condition and when I was told it is in the Autism Spectrum I fell apart.

Nick was failing tests in 3rd grade, he was anxious, he didn't want to go to school.  In the beginning of 4th grade we had a plan!  A great plan...he worked with a resource teacher, his confidence flourished, he was passing tests, and he made the honor roll 2 of the 4 quarters that year.  Watching him walk up to the stage to receive his first Honor Roll certificate was an extremely emotional moment for TJ, Laura, and I as well as many others.  I could never thank Laura enough for bringing this to my attention.  It takes a lot of courage for anyone to bring something like this to ones attention.  Because of her courage my son was able to get diagnosed and receive the resources he needs to succeed in school and life.  

To this day Nick has his quirks, he always will.  Those quirks change, new ones pop up, but once we get a hold on them and learn how to deal with them things are wonderful.  Some his quirks define him, they are so endearing.

I often think back to the days when he was diagnosed with Pyloric Stenosis, Epilepsy, ADHD and finally Asperger's.  I vividly remember how I felt...sad, guilty, angry and frustrated.  I felt sorry for Nick, myself, and our family.

I still feel guilty to this day about Nick's struggles and challenges.  I truly believe that we are being challenged now for challenges I denied years ago at Nick's expense.

I even though I was being punished.  But How could this amazingly sweet and caring child be a punishment?  He is a blessing, not a punishment.  He is a true joy.

I couldn't imagine what life would be like if her were different.  I hate that he has anxiety, but we will face it with him and get him whatever resources he needs to work through it.  I hate that he is socially awkward but we will encourage him and reassure him  and support his friendships and desires to try different things with different people.  Will will not feel sorry for him, we will not feel sorry for ourselves, we won't get angry at anyone who notices his difference; we will simply explain his condition.

I've cried many nights for Nick since his very first surgery until we started to understand his condition and quirks.  There is nothing wrong with my son; he is perfect in his own most unique, special ways.

A Great Imagination Can Make Anyone Beautiful

I always imagined what my wedding day would be like.  It would be my own fairytale.  My day would be PERFECT!  I would marry a wonderful man, there would be a full length church Mass, a beautiful reception with the most amazing food, and a relaxing fun-filled honeymoon.  My wedding was all this…my dream wedding came true!  How often does that happen?  I am so blessed.

How did I picture myself on my wedding day?  I imagined I was a princess.  Everything about me was perfect.  My hair, my dress, my shoes, my makeup.  A beautiful veil and the loveliest bouquet of flowers ever created.  But I always imagined myself thin…a thin beautiful bride.

I looked in Bride magazines for the perfect dress.  I found a few and went to a bridal shop with my family and friends.  It was so discouraging and upsetting not to be able to try on a dress because it wouldn’t fit.  To this day I cry whenever I watch a TV show when women are trying on wedding dresses until they find the right one.  What a magical moment it is when they walk out of the dressing room in their perfect dress.  Everyone is crying tears of joy.  I wish I had that moment.   I missed out on an amazing moment.  But I had a moment that those ladies didn’t have…I got to get measured, like everyone else but we had to figure out how much extra material we had to order to add to the dress I wanted.  We had to order six yards and the dress had to be re-built.

As the wedding neared we began major re-construction on my dress.  I found a great seamstress with lots of patience.  My friend Faye was there with me for the fittings.  I was so grateful I had her there with me since my mom wasn’t because she lives in NY.

After quite a few fittings and much work the dress was complete.  It was the day for the final fitting.  I was excited, Faye was excited.  I had my moment…it wasn’t what I imagined but it was mine and I had a special friend there to share it with me.

After my wedding I had my dress and everything that went with it preserved and packed so it wouldn’t ruin as if I would ever wear it again.  It would sit in my closet for 11 years before I would even consider pulling it out again.

In December of 2008, my friend Valerie asked me to play Bunco with a group of ladies. Someone in their group couldn’t make it and they needed a sub.  Sure, why not.  It was a blast!  We had lots of fun.   A couple of months later I was asked to join the group as a permanent member.  I was so excited!

That December they had a holiday party with the Bunco group and their husbands.  It was wonderful group of girls and all the husbands got a long so well.  There was so much peer pressure at this party I couldn’t believe it.  I wasn’t exposed to such peer pressure in 20 years. It was the BEST peer pressure and only peer pressure I am truly thankful for.  Stephanie, my friend who first inspired me and started me on my fitness journey, was talking about planks…what the hell is a plank?  So, she started doing planks on the floor…haha.  It was funny. 

Soon the conversation became very serious.  I stood on the sidelines as they all talked about working out and eating right.  I was interested, I wanted to do something.

This is where we first learned about the Boot Camp…Stephanie was telling us all about it.  SOLD!  I was joining.  One of the best decisions I ever made. 

In June of 2010 it was Stephanie’s turn to host Bunco.  She decided to have a wedding theme.  How fun did that sound.  We were all trying to figure out where to get a dress, if we had one hanging around, or if we should wear our own wedding dress.  I decided to wear mine.

My friend Janell, who was also in our Bunco group, was at my house the day I pulled it out of the box.  It was huge, it was so funny, we laughed about it.  I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to pull this off but I was determined to figure out how to keep it on.  TJ suggested we use clamps for the dress, the same kind you use for construction. ..LOL!  I love the way he thinks sometimes.  But that gave me an idea.  We had real big binder clips at work so we used those.

The night of Wedding Day Bunco I did my hair and makeup as best I could.  It wasn’t easy trying to figure out what to do with the veil and my hair, but I managed.  TJ helped me dress.  He rolled the back of the dress as tight as he could and used the binder clips to hold it in place.  I looked as good as I could and I felt great about it.  Mission accomplished!

That evening was so much fun!  Stephanie, Mary, and I were the only ones who wore our wedding dresses.  We all looked damn good to!  Valerie and I took the “clamps” off the back of my dress and she climbed in it with me.  Who would have thought that 2 people would fit in one dress?  I knew I was big but I never realized how big I was until that night we met for Bunco.

I’m so glad we were able to do this.  It truly was my “aha” moment.  That was the day I recognized how far I’ve come.  I was even more excited to share it with the group of ladies who placed that “peer pressure” on me.  I am thankful to all of you especially Stephanie, Valerie, Angie, Janell, Mary G. and Mary A. for your understanding, support, and encouragement.



Before-1998





After-2010



Getting to know me...

Well...I was thinking.  In my first few blogs I just spilled my guts and shared some of weaknesses and the challenges I've overcome.  What about me though...who am I?  Here's an introduction.

I grew up on Long Island, NY.  At the age of 30 I still lived at home with my parents

My Sisters and brothers already moved out and were married with children

My biggest responsibility was my car,

My parents were in no rush to see me go; they never asked me to leave or even hinted at it.  I only paid $25 rent a week to my dad…I would love to have that now!

A friend of mine’s parents were moving to Florida.  She had an opportunity to rent a house at a great price so she asked me if I wanted to room with her so I figured I’d give it a shot.  The move only lasted a few months; I moved back home…it was wonderful!  I missed my mom and dad so much.

Living at home for so long, I often thought about how my life would end up.  I thought I was destined to live at home and never find love. I was preparing to be a “cat lady”; which would not work for me since I’m allergic to cats.

The company I work for was moving to Charleston.  They offered me a position there so I figured, once again, I would give it a shot.  I had nothing to lose; my parents would welcome me back home if it didn’t work out.  So, In 1996 I moved to Charleston.

It was a HUGE risk…but only in my mind

When arrived in Charleston I went out with friends from work who moved from NY.  We all went to a bar to watch a hockey game.  This was the first time I officially met TJ.  TJ worked at the same place I did and moved from NY as well. I knew of him but never formally met him.

Something odd about him that grabbed me, but I ignored it.  We New Yorkers got together some more and TJ and I were able to get to know each other better.

One day while walking through the Receiving Department at work TJ looked at me and asked if I dressed up just for him.  I’m not sure why, but that’s when that something about him grabbed me again and I couldn’t ignore it.

Soon after dating, like 6 weeks soon, we became engaged.  Most thought we were crazy, some actually told us that!

The night of our engagement was beautiful.  It was my 31^st birthday.  We took a walk in downtown Charleston and ended up by the pineapple fountain.  We walked up the stairs to the fountain and sat down for a while.  We were walking down from the fountain admiring the stars.  I learned a great lesson that night!  Never walk and look up at the same time because steps are never far away!  Down I went…ouch!

We were planning our wedding!  One day we had an appointment with someone to make our invitations for our wedding.  We were early so we decided to look at the model homes in the sub division.  We walked into this one house that was just perfect for us.

So being the spontaneous couple we were we decided to have one built. 

We married in September of 1998.  It was a beautiful wedding.  A typical Italian NY style wedding.  Yikes…the cost of that wedding could have made a huge down payment on that house we were having built.  If I could do that part all over again, I would.

Soon after we married, like 6 weeks soon, we found out we were pregnant.

What a wonderful day that was. Little did we know there would be two more days just like that in the near future.

Our house was ready for us in February of 1999. We moved in with lots of help from our friends from work.  We were so appreciative to them for helping. We even appreciated the person who trip going up the stairs and put our first hole in our wall…what a memory.  Carmie, a great friend of ours, who I had shared an apartment with since our move to Charleston, was moving in with us.  She also worked with us.

The first room we focused on was the nursery for our first little guy who was to make his appearance in July.  I was so excited! 

We all went to a birthing class, TJ, Carmie and I. Other members of our class looked at us kind of odd at first. We all agreed that they thought either Carmie was going to be our Au Pair or she and I were partners and TJ was fathering the child.

Finally Nicholas was here.  We could barely see him when he was born because our eyes were flooded with tears of Joy. He was so precious.  Home we went…our perfect little family, Mom, Dad, baby and Carmie.

Things were going well for 2 weeks.  Then Nicholas started spitting up more often and he wasn’t gaining weight.  He then began throwing up and losing weight.

Attempts to change his formula were unsuccessful.  The pediatrician then referred us to MUSC.  At that point Nicholas was dehydrated and lethargic. When the doctor pressed down on his belly and I mean pressed down to were he through his back, Nicholas didn’t move or cry.  He was diagnosed with pyloric stenosis.  A condition were a muscle grows and blocks food from going into the stomach.

Needless to say I was a mess.  I had to leave the examining room while they hooked him up to the IV.  I stood outside the door and listened to my 28-day old baby scream when they were trying to find a vein for his IV.  The nurse allowed me to use the phone to call my sister.  Once I heard her voice I really lost it.  She asked what was wrong and all I could say was my “baby is broken”.  Clearly I don’t handle things like this well.

His surgery went great.  He had a wonderful doctor.  The doctor covered his tiny incision with a duck shaped bandage he made himself which of course I still have.  Nick came home and things started to get back to normal. 

Soon after that, like 6 weeks soon, I wasn’t feeling well. Could I be pregnant again?

Yes I was…OH MY!   What a surprise.  We didn’t have a chance to get used to a mortgage payment before we had one child now, we would have two and we still weren’t used to that mortgage payment.

Joe was born in June of 2000.  He was so adorable.  I was mostly excited to see Joe’s olive skin tone. Nick was so pal.  I thought for sure this was my little Italian baby.

Was I wrong…Joe had Jaundice.  So severe that he had to stay in the hospital 5 days after I left.  Once his Jaundice was gone he was even more pal then Nicholas…oh well, the important thing was that he was healthy and coming home!

Once Joe was home things were great, busy but great. It was soon time for me to go back to work to regain my sanity.

About a year later, during one of our trips to NY my sister announced she was expecting.  She was shocked since she thought she was done.  She already had an 8 and a 9 year old.

I couldn’t help but laugh at her…we teased her all weekend.  Well, what’s that saying, what goes around comes around?

Soon after that, 6 weeks soon, I wasn’t feeling very well.  At this point, being the pro that I was, I was able to detect the fact that I was pregnant immediately.

During the first visit to, my OB/GYN, Dr. Weinstein explained to TJ that he would be getting a vasectomy once the baby was 6 weeks old.  A New Yorker himself, he was a straight forward guy.  No beating around the bush for this guy.  His concern was my weight and age. 

Justin was born April 2^nd 2002.  He was as cute and healthy.  Oh and as pale as his brothers.

All of my boys are amazing.  They have their struggles like any other average child.  Nick and Justin have some challenges.  Nick has Asperger’s Syndrome and Justin was recently diagnosed with PDD-NOS.  Both conditions fall under the Autism spectrum.  Despite their diagnosis, they are perfect!  I wouldn’t want them any other way.  They are doing great in school, participate in all kinds of activities…we are so blessed.  Joe is like the town mayor.  He talks to everyone, needs to be the center of attention.  He is so much fun.  I just adore those kids...

So what did I lose my taking a risk and moving to South Carolina?  Well, I miss my mom, dad sister and brother and their families and lots of friends terribly.  I still cry on holidays and birthday when we can’t be there or they can’t be here.

The real question now is what did I gain?  I gained my own family, my own life, a home, dogs and new friends. I couldn’t imagine what life would be like if I didn’t move here.

I probably would still be living with mom and dad and paying $25 a week. 

Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Well, I had some anxiety after my last post.  I thought, what the heck did I just do?  I just threw parts of the worst time of life out to anyone and everyone.  Those were things that I hid from almost everyone. I lost some sleep the night I posted it and worried about it throughout the next day. I seriously considered deleting the post.  I was almost sick to my stomach.   But there was an odd sense of comfort, as if t there was someone reassuring me that it was a good thing to share.

I was wondering why I was so desperate to hide it back then.  I felt the need to tuck it away so it would never rear its ugly head. Was it because it was a disgusting thing to do?  Did I want people to think that I didn’t have control over my life?  What if people realized I wasn’t the happy “go lucky” person they always perceived me to be?  If I didn’t hide it and others found out, would they think “how can she have an eating disorder? She’s still so fat”.  So many stupid thoughts and questions.

It amazes me how much I overthink things.  How I put a spin on things, in my own mind, that makes things so much worse than they really are.  The questions I asked myself just made me doubt myself more, they lead me to trust people less, they convinced me that I was even more worthless then I originally thought I was.  My insecurities flourished, and things only worsened.

What if I didn’t work so hard at hiding it?  What if I did share it with someone I could trust?  People care about me.  There are people who love me and want to see me well.  Would some pass judgment?  Of course they would, but whose issue is that really, mine or theirs? 

I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't experience this...would it be different?  Of course it would!  Feeling less insecure and safe is refreshing.  Not worrying the way I used to is rejuvinating.  Am I where I want to be? No, but I am well on my and it feels wonderful!  I wish I had the courage to deal with this years ago; better late then never,

I think it’s so important to be aware of those around us, whether it is a friend, sibling, parent, co-worker.  Do you ever suspect something might be going on?  I think there are many times we have a “gut feeling” but choose to ignore it because we don’t want to offend someone or get caught up in someone else’s problem.

Well what if you can help someone else?  Sometimes it requires a shoulder to cry on other times it may mean seeking professional help for them.  Imagine the feeling you would have if you helped someone, possibly even saved there life?  How amazing would that be?

What if you ignored silent cries for help?  Imagine how you would feel if that person had a break down or possibly took their own life?  Would you rather live with the fact that a simple act of kindness saved someone or live with a potential tragedy because you were too busy to help someone deal with their problem?

I love to help others!  I want to listen, comfort and reassure. I’m just someone who cares, not a professional.  How do I help when it requires more than “just being there?”  I look for resources on the internet…there are tons, all over the place.  There are facilities, doctors and counselors ready to help those people…those people just need to get to those professionals, whether they go themselves or YOU bring them.

My therapist gave me amazing advice.  The one thing she told me that stuck with me to this day was that I needed to have faith, I needed to grow spiritually.  I needed something to believe in, a higher power.  My spiritual journey was sporadic throughout the years but has been strengthening within the past few months.  It is the reason I won the battle against the demons that haunted me for years.  It is what will heal me.

So back to my first question and statement, “What the heck did I just do?  I just threw parts of the worst time of life out to anyone and everyone.” I did it because it’s my time to give back. To show my gratitude to God; to do what is expected of me.

It was simple, so obvious.  "Stop overthinking things Maria...it's not about you!"  It's not about us.

It's not what's on the outside, but what's on the inside that matters.

I sat in bed last night to blog but wasn’t sure what to write about.  After just a few minutes of thinking a friend popped up on my Facebook chat.  She is someone I met recently.  We got into a deep conversation and realized we had something traumatic in common.  I knew there was something special about her; I just didn’t know what it was.  I found out last night and I am so happy I did.  We now have each other to turn in our moments of weakness.

Here’s my story…Back in the 90’s I started dieting again, I lost just over 90lbs!  I was on a role and doing great.  I lost over 30lbs in just a few months.  I was focused and strict with my food.  As usual, I slowly started to stray from my diet.  I would start eating in between meals and then eventually increased my portion sizes.  Before I knew it I was putting weight back on.

I started to panic, I was desperate to keep losing weight and even more desperate not put any more on.  Once I start to panic I begin to lose control then all sorts of anxiety sets in.  The more this happened the more I ate.

My overeating quickly turned into binging, things were totally out of control! Before I knew it the purging began.  Finally…I had control, I may lose control when I’m binging but I can regain control by purging.  At first this wasn’t a big deal to me.  It happened once, maybe twice a week.  My weight started to stabilize again…I was so excited! 

Here’s where the problem worsened, I was interested in someone and he was interested in me.  It was a friendship that should have stayed just that but it did not.  The emotional rollercoaster ride began once again!  The sad thing was that I wasn’t holding on for this ride.  The rollercoaster flew off the tracks and brought me to the darkest days of my life.

We came from two totally different worlds; this was something that was not supposed to happen.  We both knew it but didn’t give up.  We were stubborn, lonely, and both out of touch with reality.  Eating became my harness…I held on to it for safety, purging was the only time I felt like I could gain control. 

Before I knew it, it was happening 3 times a week then 4 and 5 times, then within a few weeks, after every meal and binge.  It totally broke me; it killed me professionally, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I lost faith and hope in everything.  All that mattered to me was that toxic person I spent so much time with and Twinkies….I dislike him for what happened, but I hold nothing against the Twinkies J 

I needed help and I knew it.  No one could know about this; I mean how could they possibly figure it out?  Here I am, bulimic, yet still at least 60lbs overweight.   I decided to go to therapy.  I found the most amazing therapist.  We talked and talked.  It was all about me, how I feel, how I should feel.  She talked me through things; she asked questions and allowed me to discover the answer within myself.  I began to heal.  The purging stopped and the binging slowed down.  I was well on the road to recovery.

She told me to prepare myself for a relapse, it happens to most people.  NOT ME!  I felt too good.  I felt better than ever.  I released all my feelings, frustrations, guilt that I had bottled up inside of me.  I had no worries.  I wasn’t prepared for what was about to happen.

And so the relapse began…I lost control, I binged…but I refused to purge.   Still without much faith in God and myself I just gave up.  I needed to put an end to this madness.  I was ready to end it.  I sat in the bathroom on the floor for a half hour wanting to die; seriously considering ending my life to escape the demons that took over my mind and body. 

I couldn’t do it.  I thought about my family, my adorable nephew.  The therapist that worked so hard on me…the therapist!!  Why didn’t I think to call her sooner?  By the Grace of God I snapped out of it…I called her.  She called me back within minutes.  We talked and talked and in the sweetest most professional way she told me, “I told you to prepare yourself for a relapse”, and we laughed.

I worked with her 3 days a week, 3 turned to 2, and then 2 turned to 1.  I went into group therapy with others who were challenged with eating disorders.  These ladies were beautiful.  I couldn’t understand how they could be so hard on themselves.  They were so broken, like me.  It was so sad.  It was while observing their brokenness that helped me heal.  We all became close, we cried and laughed together.  It was the most amazing experience I’ve had up to that point in my life.  When I moved out of state my therapy ended.  I was ready to go…my therapist agreed.  It was like graduation day for me!

This was a time in my life that I learned from yet wanted to bury forever.  I was ashamed of what I did and how I treated myself.  I have learned much since then though.  I won’t ever allow myself to get into such a dark place ever again.  I recognize when I am losing control then I know what I need to do.

I reluctantly share this but I feel like I need to.  This angel who had the courage to share her story with me last night has inspired me to share mine with you.  If a single person gets anything positive out of this, my purpose has been served.

Thank you friend, remember, you promised me a hug J

From this I’ve learned that beauty matters only when it’s on the inside.  The ladies I met were all beautiful, looked healthy yet they felt ugly and worthless on the inside.

This is a picture of me; I am the one in the blue dress.  On this day I looked pretty, I never considered myself to be pretty but that day I did.  Everyone had something to say about how beautiful I looked.  Before I lost weight this time, I was told I had such a pretty face …that was it, just my face but on this day it was all of me that looked pretty.  Everyone, including myself, thought I looked pretty, however, I was in the lowest, darkest place ever.  I realized that it doesn’t matter what is on the outside that gets us through life.  It was when I felt the worst and was at my all-time low that I looked my best. 

I looked back now and I feel as though I sold my soul for 1 day of physical beauty; I realize it wasn’t worth it.  I am much happier today even though I still have lots of weight to lose.  I often wonder why I had to go through all this crazy stuff.  What could His plan possibly be for me?

What's in a name?

Where did the ridiculous sense of worthlessness I feel come from?  I’ve thought about this for years.  I would have these crazy little pity parties, binge like a madwomen then cry myself to sleep.  So after all that thinking over the years what did I come up with…

A good part of it had to do with the men I dated.  When I was in high school I fell for this guy named Billy.  He was great, good looking, football player, lacrosse player, sweet as can be.  He really cared about me, we hung out together with a group of friends, always gave me a kiss goodbye, smiled at me, I just melted when I was around him.  It was odd though…we weren’t “going out” with each other, yet at times it felt like we were a couple.  It was confusing to me, so many mixed messages.  Why wouldn’t he just “ask me out”?

I was dieting, again, at that time.  I was doing great!  We were at the high school basketball game and someone made a comment to me about losing weight.  I told them that I lost about 35lbs.  One of Billy’s friends was sitting behind me and started yelling, “Hey Bill, did you hear that? She lost 35lbs, only 5 to go!”  I was confused, again.  What did he mean by that?  I found out later that evening the Billy did have feelings for me, HE LIKED ME!  WooHoo!  But he wasn’t about to ask me out until I lost a total of 40lbs.  Really, seriously, well alright then…I’ll do just that!  I only have to lose 5 more pounds.

After I found that out, I wouldn’t eat all day at school then we would go to my friend Leslie’s house and eat cheese and watch MTV.  I just loved her; we all had so much fun together.  She knew the situation with Billy so whenever I was tempted to stray from eating only cheese she would start singing, to the tune of a Phil Collins song, “You can’t hurry love, no you have to lose weight”.  We laughed about it at the time…never realizing how it would affect me later on.  He finally “asked me out” when I hit that 40lb mark.  Clearly things didn’t last between Billy and me.  We were at a party, he knew I was going to be there, but he brought someone else anyway….even though we were a couple.  Within a couple of days of that happening, we broke up.

The next guy I dated…another Billy, was just ok.  I never felt the way I did about this Billy that I did for the other Billy.  However, he got my attention when we were playing tag football at the park.  He was the Quarterback and when I asked him what I should do he told me to stand there and look pretty.  Pretty?  Really?  Well alrighty then!  I was so flattered!  Someone thought I was pretty…and he wasn’t even drunk.   Afterwards a group of us went back to his house to eat.  He, along with another guy, ran to the store to get beer.  He came back from the store, with a rose, for me!  I was shocked.

Billy the 2^nd and I dated for a little while.  We planned on going to a party together; he was supposed to pick up this girl Edith and me.  We were standing in front of my house for an hour.  He was a “no show”.  So we got another ride to the party and there is this jerk sitting there just glaring at me.  Then he has the nerve to ask what I was doing there.  Really?  So what does a sweet young lady do at a party in this situation?  She hooks up with Billy the 1^st and leaves Billy the 2^nd behind.  Needless to say, that was the end of that relationship.

So here is the big one!  The one who left the biggest scar.  Yup, it was Billy the 3^rd.  My “first love” (I use that term loosely), we met, got engaged, made all our wedding plans.  We were together for 3 years. Life was wonderful!  It was great for us.  In August of 1986 I went to Myrtle Beach with a few friends.  We were having a great time.  I called Billy to talk, see how things were.  He told me he was getting ready to go out…with his ex-girlfriend…WHAT!?!  He proceeds to tell me that they got back together.  And here’s the kicker…he said it was entirely my fault because I gained weight and he was ashamed to be seen with me.  Umm…what the heck do you say to that?  Nothing…you bottle it up inside of you and burry it under more weight.  After that happened I put on 100lbs, I was so disgusted with myself!!!

After years of wondering about all this I’ve concluded that there are some people who have a void in their life that needs to be filled.  They attach themselves to someone, like me and I’m sure many of you, who will be there for them anytime of the day, have long conversations with them, comfort them, assist them in anyway, totally re-prioritize their lives for them. 

But when someone else comes along, someone better, they just end it.  Suddenly things are different.  They may give an explanation they may not.  They’ll turn it all around and say well you did this and you did that to justify the pain they are causing.  But wait a minute…the only thing I did was care, too much.  I gave, too much.  I loved, too much.  And what am I left with? Confusion, lack of understanding, no more confidence, feeling disposable, and a strong sense of extreme worthlessness.  How do you prevent this from ever happening again?  I’ll never know.

Oh yeah…I recommend not dating ANYONE by the name of Billy…just say’n J