Learning from the mistakes of others is so much easier than learning from your own...

Starting a New Year RIGHT can make all the difference.   Is getting drunk off your ass and possibly blacking out a way to celebrate a new beginning?  HECK NO!!  Why you ask….Well, here’s a few reasons:

You can…

1.       Hurt someone else or yourself

2.       Kill someone else or yourself

Oh…cool…that won’t happen to you?  You have someone “responsible” driving?

Someone else can…

1.       Kill you

2.       Kill themselves

Oh even better… you are spending the night at someone’s house.  Best bet…so you CAN get obviated…awesome…So then you can drink your little heart out and possibly hmmm…get raped! 

But it’s all good…you’re too messed up to realize it.  But don’t worry; you will realize it at some point.  You may end up with a lovely sexually transmitted disease, HIV, or AIDS…but it’s all good because you set out to celebrate a new beginning by getting trashed…and its only you getting hurt…you’re not that important to yourself because if you were you wouldn’t want to get so “fucked up” anyway, right?   Oh and the doctor can always fix you right up, right…Ummm, sure.

What if you get pregnant?

Where does that leave you, someone else, or a baby?  How’s that for a new beginning?  Maybe great in the eyes of some, but for most it’s not the new beginning they were looking for. 

So you get pregnant, you can…

1.       Have an abortion

2.       Keep your child

3.       Get married to the guy you just met and live miserably ever after

Whatever “choice” you make I can GUARANTEE you it WILL affect you for your entire life.  Although a child is always a blessing or if you believe that abortion is nothing other than a form of birth control, you WILL have regrets, your life will change, YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

So, with that said, enjoy yourself, do not abuse alcohol or drugs.  Don’t have “great” sex with someone just because you THINK it will make them “love” you or because you just “need to get laid”.  Do not think you have to or try to impress anyone; you are fooling, hurting, and possibly even killing yourself and/or someone else.

Make this new beginning the best ever.  Everything you do needs to be on your terms, not someone else’s AND they need to be for the right reasons.  Be with those and only those you trust…and trust me when I tell you, there are few.

 Live, love, and laugh tonight and every night and day for the rest of your life.

PLEASE be safe, protect yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Happy New Year, God’s Blessings to everyone!

“You must trust and believe in people or life becomes impossible.” (Ummm, WRONG!)

It's the end of the year...thinking and thinking...over thinking? Possibly, but its something I need to do to prepare for 2012.  2011 was a pretty profound year...learned more then I wanted to about myself.  Learned even more about others...there were many disappointments once again but much more happiness then ever before.

I wish when I say it was a profound year it was all positive...all the things that "came to light" weren't good things.  In fact...it almost seems like when I set out to do a good thing, whether it was for myself or someone else, it sort of back fired on me.  Maybe 2011 was a year of "testing".  I hope I passed...I'm still standing and I haven't quit yet...well not completely...just kind of stalled for a little while. So,  I'm taking all my negatives from 2011, evaluating them and turning them around for 2012.

So for 2012 what will I need to change...hmmm...well for one I need to start believing in myself...and not put all of my belief in someone else.  It such a false sense of security to completely believe in and trust someone.  This almost sounds like I regressed or I'm bitter...I don't think so...I think I just re-learned a tough lesson.  Sadly enough, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt this way, re-evaluated things and learned to trust and believe again, then realized doing so was a foolish thing to do. 

If there was one lesson I learned from others it was this:

“Using friendship for opportunity, instead of embracing the opportunity in friendship, only hurts the person who thought they found a true friend.” ~Yours truly

It's been a great week...lots of fun things, new things.  I kind of like being a stay at home mom.  I think this is something I could get used to. 

I took the boys to see the new Muppet Movie today; I just love the sound of their laughter.  It is so sweet.  The movie was good...it made me cry...who would have thought? And they absolutely loved it.  Before the movie we went to McDonald's; my mom sent them each a gift card so I thought it would be fun to let them order and pay for their own food...and boy was it fun.  Justin was the cutest, he went up and ordered just like this:  "Hello ma'am, I would like and ADULT chicken nugget, and an ADULT french fry, and an ADULT drink."  She just smiled and said, "so would you like meal #10?"  That child said everything he needed to say to ensure he did not get a kids meal haha.

After the movie we headed home so the boys could do some school work and so I could go for a long walk.  I didn't go to the gym today so I did my sprawls in the morning and walked later on in the afternoon.  When we did sprawls and walked back to back yesterday, it just about did me in...it was too much at once.  I was hurting again today but it wasn't as bad.  I spent a good amount of time rolling around and stretching out my muscles. 

I'm really looking forward to the New Year; I'm especially excited about our wellness program at work.  Just sent out a couple of emails and I'm anxious to see who is definitely participating...should be lots of fun.I'm hoping, now that it is more diverse, we will have more people participating.  There seems to be so many great things ahead of me. I'm praying I will stay focused and not be distracted by others. 

I needed to give myself a pep talk today...It worked.

Hurting quite a bit today...I went to the chiropractor first thing this morning.  He told me I was "all twisted up".  The hip flexers on my right side were a mess.  The left side was good AND he was very happy with how much my hips loosened up, but those damn hip flexers are causing all kinds of grief.  As he was working on my back I could feel the pulling in the front area right above my thigh.  It hurt so much but I could feel the relief.  He's happy with my progress, he tells me to keep doing what I'm doing.  Even though I'm hurting he's not restricting me he just wants me to do what I can...which I appreciate.  The last thing I want him to tell me is to not do something. 

I'm still adjusting to the way I feel before, during, and after working out.  Most days when I am uncomfortable I work out  then feel much better.  Some days it just doesn't work out that way for whatever reason.  Today, with my friend Jennifer, I did 168 sprawls then walked 3 miles.  It was really tough...we had to stop walking at one point and alls I felt was this annoying tingling sensation from my hips to my toes.  The area that is the worst is the knee of my right leg.  It's always tingly; I just have to make sure I am aware of what I'm doing and how much pressure I put on it so I don't hurt it.

I have been disgusted for months over the fact that I was doing so well and now I'm struggling.  On the flip side of that...I'm grateful that, although the pain can be bad, it does get better.  It never goes away, but I do believe I can manage it.  If I had to live the rest of my life this way, I will be fine...there's nothing I can't do or prepare myself for within time. I believe that with eating right, exercising with good form, and having a positive attitude I will push through the tougher times and not allow the pain to stop me.  It may slow me down at times...and if it does, I will just have to push even harder.

Christmas has come and gone…New Years is right around the corner.  Amazing how quickly time flies.

We truly had a wonderful Christmas; the boys had so much fun, they said it was the best Christmas ever!  Nothing warms a parent’s heart more especially when you feel like you really had to cut back quite a bit financially. They have been playing so nicely together for the last 2 days; nothing warms my heart more.  They even joined forces today and combined gift cards they received so they could go to GameStop and buy the games they wanted.

Justin, my 9-year old was upset with me earlier; was so upset with me earlier.  We bought a chicken to bake for him for Christmas dinner since he doesn’t like any kind of beef (weird little boy).  Because of time needed to cook everything else, we decided to cook the chicken today.  I fell asleep for almost 3 hours and didn’t have time to make it.  Boy did I hear it!  I broke a Christmas promise L  I felt terrible but I explained that if I cooked to now it wouldn’t be ready until 10PM.  So we made him something else.  While I’m sitting in the kitchen, Nick, my 12-year old is telling Justin that he needs to apologize to me for being rude and not understanding.  It was so sweet to hear and kind of funny to hear Nick lecturing him.  Well, low and behold, before I knew it Justin walks in the kitchen to apologize.  I was thrown haha.  It was real cute…needless to say as he’s walking out of the kitchen he added, “Nick told me if I didn’t apologize he was taking our new video game back to the store.”  What a bubble burster haha.

I did the unthinkable today; I went to the gym.  I hate the gym, never liked it, I get serious anxiety just thinking about it.  My friend Traci got me a 3 day pass so I could work out with this great group of ladies while I’m off this week.  It wasn’t so bad, walking into the gym.  I met some nice people, ran into some friends and chatted for a while.  I lived to tell about it.  The workout was a good one.  I did half of it before I stopped; I’m really in a lot of pain lately.  I called my chiropractor right after I left the gym; I have an appointment tomorrow at 820AM.

The workout today was 100 jump ropes, 90 squats, 80 of something else, 70 of another exercise, 60 lunges, 50 thrusters (but I did deadlifts), 40 sit-ups, 30 kettlebell swings, 20 of another and 10 handstand pushups…which I, of course, did a modified version.  Once we were done, we had to go back up from 10 to 100.  I finished the first half so I was satisfied.  Usually after a workout I feel better, everything loosens up.  Since I was still hurting I did stretching while I was waiting for the others to complete their workout.  I did the tough stretches on the wall, the ones I try to avoid because they are so painful but they help so much and helped it did.  Unfortunately, everything eventually tightens up again but it’s not as bad.  It seems that when my back is this bad everything else hurts as well.  Not sure why but my elbows stiffened up and were hurting overnight and while I was napping earlier; I can’t imagine it has anything to do with my back, maybe it’s the MS or arthritis...oh the joys of getting old.  I can’t wait to get all this testing done so I can get back on a supplement regimen.  It was recommended I stop taking any supplements until all the test results are in.  That meant no fish oil…and I feel the difference without it. 

I think all the burpees I’ve been doing have irritated my back. I really need to be careful with my pushups; I do this snaking motion and I think irritating my back also.  I’ve been working on my core with planks so hopefully it will strengthen quickly so I can get back to where I was and these types of exercises won’t hurt as much.  As crazy as it sounds, I was excited to start doing burpees again; I don’t want to have to stop again.  I’m hoping the chiropractor will say things loosened up from last visit.  He said I was so jammed up last week.

It looks like there will be lots of changes in the New Year for me…I must admit, I am looking forward to it.  I’m a bit tired of a few things and the cycles things seem to get caught up in.  I’m excited to give another attempt to obtain 2 certifications I didn’t follow through on.  2012 is going to be a year of accomplishments for me.  I have lots to focus and work on.  My goal is not to let myself down in the New Year…and not worry about letting anyone else down.

Merry Christmas To All and To All a Great Life!

It’s Christmas Eve, such a peaceful night.  Everything is done; Joe and Justin are sound asleep; I have Nick lying beside me trying to figure out why he can’t fall asleep. He’s telling me he knows there’s no such thing as Santa, I ask why and he just smiles and explains himself in his newly deepened voice that cracks and has a randomly high pitched word here and there.

For the last few years we have done a Secret Santa within our family.  After we put up our Christmas tree we all draw names and by something special for that person.  I love doing this with my boys; it’s so much fun and so special for the 5 of us.  It’s so sweet to see how much thought the boys put into each other’s gift and how excited they get when they open their gifts.  Nothing makes me smile more than to see them hugging and thanking each other.  I pray moments like these last forever.  I hope they remain as close as they are now. 

The teenage years are approaching and they scare me; hormones are already starting to rage and I see the changes in them.  I pray they will never fight, especially physically.  I would get so scared when my brothers fought, it was crazy.  And to see my dad get involved broke my heart.  TJ told me there will come a time when he will have to fight them…I can’t see that happening.  Now I could see me kick’n TJ’s ass, but I can’t see TJ fighting with any of our boys.

It is this time of year that I miss my family most.  Nothing made me smile more when I was younger then when my mom would pull out the Christmas decorations so we could decorate.  I loved it more when she asked me to help her wrap gifts.  Christmas was always so magical for me.  Nothing was harder though then when we buried my grandfather on Christmas Eve.  I remember leaving the burial site in my sisters brown Pinto station wagon, as we drove away; they were putting my grandfather in his grave and throwing the dirt over him.   It broke my heart…it was so hard to watch; I cried so much.  Although it was hard for me, I love that I think of my grandfather without fail every Christmas Eve.  I dismiss the burial and think about how sweet and caring he was.

Every Christmas Eve my mom would make a HUGE fish dinner.  We usually had shrimp scampi, scallops, spaghetti with clam sauce, stuffed calamari, cold seafood salad, and clam dip…and whatever else I missed. It was amazing!  This was one of my favorite traditions.  After dinner came dessert then clean up then open the presents.  There were always wall to wall gifts for everyone!  When we were younger, Santa would always make an appearance at the house…what fun that was!  I hope I can make Christmas as special for my boys, as my parents did for me, so they will cherish those memories like I do forever.

We had a nice evening tonight.  We relaxed all day, showered and headed to church.  We were invited by a special lady to her church for Christmas Eve Service.  It was a performance that had a great message; the boys loved it. After that we headed home, fed the boys, exchanged our secret Santa gifts, had dessert and sent them off to bed.  TJ and I got everything ready for Santa and now here we are…with our 12 year old who can’t sleep J

I love this time of year, I love its meaning, I love my family and friends…I love my life!   I am so thankful to God for blessing me with so much.

Out of Whack? Who Me?

I was pretty blown away today; I knew things were out of whack with me but I never realized how much.  The doctor received most of my tests back…my hormones are totally off.  I’m actually feeling a little relieved.  The doctor told me the things I should be experiencing with my hormones at these levels; he was dead on.  From not sleeping, depression, mood swings, poor memory, etc.  My Cortisol level looks like a rollercoaster on the graph he gave me.  The scariest thing he told me is that I am high risk for dementia and Alzheimer’s.   Tj told me if that happened he would have to do a “ring and run”.  He would leave me on, Traci’s porch, ring the doorbell, and take off running…thanks babe J.  We had a good laugh over that.

It’s all so overwhelming and a bit difficult to understand but the fix doesn’t sound difficult; it’s all diet and supplements.  Looks like the diet will be strict and a bit restrictive until we get the results of the food allergy test, and the supplements may be heavy at first but will dwindle down once my levels get to where they need to be then I will need to take just the right amount to maintain my levels.  Looks like a have a ways to go, but I will get there.

Based on the results, it looks like I have gut issues.  For one, it appears that I am not producing enough stomach acid body is not breaking foods down properly; my protein levels where pretty low.  So the next step is to test for “critters” as he put it; parasites and bacteria.  Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?

Looks like I have lots of reading and planning to do.  The great thing is, the recommended diet is what I’ve been taught, it’s what I’ve been doing and what works best for me…which is what I expected.  What I wasn’t sure of is the supplement regimen I will need to be on and I will soon find out what foods I am allergic to so I can stay away from them. 

I’m excited about getting started; I can’t wait to feel “normal”.  I don’t want to be depressed, over emotional, or insecure any more.  I want to live a balanced, happy, fulfilling life…I believe my hormones were pretty well balanced during the 11 weeks I was training for the half marathon.  I felt and saw so many positive things in myself.  I felt good, I even thought I looked good (better than I did), my moods  and emotions were at such an even keel, my relationships with others was better…I can’t wait to like myself again.

I can’t believe Christmas is just 6 days away!  We are almost ready!  TJ and I did lots of shopping Saturday; we were out for hours.  We had a nice lunch then hit the stores.  We spent a lot of times wondering what to get since we didn’t have much of a list to go by.  I told TJ next year we should just have Santa bring the boys a few little gifts and celebrate Christmas while on vacation.  Sunday was Traci’s turn to shop with me.  We shopped for about 7 hours and had a real nice lunch.  We were shopping for TJ…it was lots of fun. 

All the shopping and the workout I did Saturday morning really took a toll on me.  Aside from being exhausted my back and my legs have tightened up quite a bit. In the workout we had to climb stairs, a lot of stairs, 5 times each round.  My legs were burning.  I’ve been using the lacrosse ball and roller to loosen things up but at the end of today, after a day of sitting too much, my back was killing me.  Along with that my throat is bothering me and I’m congested…BOOO.  I hope it’s just allergies; I don’t want to be sick for the holiday.

I had boot camp tonight; I knew it would be tough for me.  Any exercise I would have to do would hurt so I would just have to push through the pain until I loosened up. By the end of our workout I was feeling better.  I called the chiropractor too see if he could take me sooner than Wednesday but he is all booked…bummer L  We were hoping that we could cut our visits down to once every 10 days but I don’t think I’m ready for that yet.

I thought my workout went kind of okay tonight considering my back pain and the tingling in my leg, which is just so annoying. I’m trying hard to stay focused and push myself but I find my fear of re-injury getting in my way.  Since my leg is mostly numb around the knee area I’m very hesitant about jumping or putting too much weight on it; I have this horrible fear that my knee is just going to buckle and put me out of commission again.

I was so excited to try out me new sneakers tonight…too bad they were about a size to big haha.  I’m not sure why I listened to that sales lady who kept telling me I needed a bigger size.  Oh well, they’ll be heading back to the store within the next day or two. They seemed pretty comfortable and I think they may workout okay for me.  They’re not the prettiest things I’ve ever seen, but when you hit my age it’s all about the comfort, not the look.

One more day to work then I’ll be on vacation until next year.  I’m so excited; I really need some time off and away from some things. I’m looking forward to spending time with my boys.  I still need to plan for the New Year, set goals, and come up with my treatment plan (which is on hold until I see that doctor and get all my test results back; hopefully I’ll see him this week).  My eating has been much better; I have officially pulled myself together, thank you God for answering my prayers.  I am over my weak stage and I no longer feel depressed.

Been saying lots of prayers for many who are sick, sad, confused, and visiting family out of state, I feel like many of my prayers are being answered as well as others I know.  I am so thankful for everything I have and everyone in my life…I am undoubtedly very blessed.

Today I got a callus…HOORAY; my first in a few months!  Ah, it’s the little things in life that make me happy.  My body is sore from working out…it’s wonderful.  We started doing burpees again this week…hmmm…yup one of those bittersweet moments.  My back held up real well this week; it was sore, but that was from the chiropractor not the workouts.  The only thing I feel tightening up that could be a problem is my hamstrings so I have my lacrosse ball and a foam roller that will never be very far from me for a while.  I’m also looking forward to starting Saturday workouts this weekend with Mark…he is a funny little man.  I’ve been putting a little bit of thought into registering for another race; I’m just not sure when I’ll be well enough to really start training for a run.  I do believe it will be very soon though.

I was disappointed when I contacted the doctor to check status on my blood work...only half of the results are in.  HOWEVER, he did tell me we can schedule an appointment for next week to come up with a “care plan”.  I’m curious to hear all about it.  From what I do know, we will clean up my diet then re-introduce different foods to see how I react to them.  The process only takes about 2 weeks I believe…I hope anyway.  Then based on everything else he will determine additional supplements needed. By the time all is said and done, I will end up on a strict Paleo regimen, which is back to where I started and it has always been what’s best for me.  This time I will have more knowledge about how my body reacts to the foods.  I really can’t wait to hear about the Saliva test.  I was telling my chiropractor about it, he was so excited that I was having this test done.  He said that the saliva will give him more information about my hormones then anything.  Who would have ever thought? NOT ME!

It was a busy day today, non-stop since I woke up.  Headed to work at 8, left work at 9:45 to go to Sam’s Club to shop for our Christmas party at work, shopped, unloaded, put everything away, ate lunch at my desk, worked out, then decorated the lunchroom for the Holiday lunch tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be crazy as well but it will be a great day, just as today was.

Today I am so thankful to God and praise Him for the wonderful people he has blessed me with.  I truly have an amazing husband, the sweetest boys, a wonderful family, and amazing friends who can have those tough conversations with me so I can become a better person.

The day started great!  First stop, the chiropractor for some decompression.  It is an amazing feeling; I could lay there for hours.  He stretched my back out more than ever and was extremely aggressive.  I walked out feeling GREAT.  By the time I arrived at work, about a 10 minute ride, it started to stiffen up.  So, I was up and around most of the day at work.  Sitting too long, especially right after a visit to the chiropractor hurts!  We talked a lot about kneeling chairs today.  He is going to buy one to try and determine if it’s something he should recommend to his patients.  He explained that these seem to work better than the exercise balls.   I was looking on line and I think that a chair like that would work well for me…I think I’m going to buy one and give it a shot.

Work was fun today!  Got lots done in between preparing for a Christmas lunch we had today and one we will have Friday.  Today we had lunch with our boot campers.  We had lots of fun and way too much food…the only thing that went untouched were the raw vegetables J 

This is truly an amazing group of people; they are all so supportive and encouraging.  There are always lots of laughs, grunts, ugly workout faces, even some crude comments at times.  I love our group, the dynamics, and the teamwork…I am so proud of the way this program has brought so many different levels within the company together.  It’s humbled some while giving great confidence and pride to others.

Whenever I think of something changing this program or ending it, I get sick to my stomach.  Whenever we lose our workout space because it’s needed for something else, I cringe.  I even get defensive at times when someone makes a negative comment about our program.  I can honestly say that this program has worked wonders for many people.  It kept us from becoming unglued during the company’s worst economic times and brought us close during layoffs, pay cuts, and restructuring.  I never expected our wellness program to take off the way it did, to have such amazing results, and to last almost 3 years.  I’m not even sure what I would have done without this program…it has kept me moving forward for sure.

I was pretty taken back when I was looking at the pictures I took at our lunch…I can easily see the effects of my depression in my face, around my waist, and on my hips;  I wanted to cry.  I pulled myself together, stopped myself from over thinking, and stopped looking at the damn picture.

Tonight, and many other night before this, I praise God for the wonderful program we have, the amazing people we have participating, and the talented trainer he has blessed us with.  I pray that he gives us strength to continuously move forward, have few set-backs and to get over our obstacles, and live a healthy lifestyle.

Spitting, spitting, spitting…all day.  Yup, that’s what I did.  I had to fill up 3 vials of saliva which will be mailed to a lab tomorrow.  I needed to fill ¾ of the vile…that’s a lot of spit.  It wasn’t fun but I did it!  This is the test they are doing for hormones; I never thought they would be able to detect hormone levels in saliva.  These results will take about 3 weeks to get back.  I really dislike playing this waiting game.

The day went fairly quickly and it went well.  I finished my budget and it was submitted to our VP for review.  Next step is it will either be sent to the board for approval or come back to us to tweak.  Whatever happens next, I really am thankful I was given the opportunity to go through the process.  I sat with my boss the other day and we reviewed my performance.  I was given a “self-review” to do which I sent back to her.  With are both in agreement, I am pretty awesome J Haha, just kidding.  But we were in agreement on almost everything.  We decided I need to start working/training for my SHRM Certification (Human Resource Certification).  I hear the test is brutal but at this point, with all my experience, and with what we review I should pass. 

The last 2 nights I’ve been spending time doing makeup homework with Nick.  He has been overwhelmed with homework and very slack.  He will be making it all up this week and during the winter break (He doesn’t know that part yet).  He is such a smart kid it frustrates the heck out of me that he does this.  He and I went through 5 chapters in a book and answered 5 questions for each chapter in less than 40 minutes.  He was supposed to do a chapter and 5 questions each night…instead he chose to do none…ugh!  I explained to him that it wouldn’t take him more than 10 minutes a night to do this.  That sweet boy needs to get his butt in gear, this semester ends soon after they return from break and he is on the verge of failing 2 classes.

I was a reluctantly excited about the first part of my workout today.  I had to do 15 squat presses, 15 burpees as many rounds as possible in 10 minutes.  The number of rounds completed actually kind of sucked…big time.  However, I was able to do burpees for the first time in months.  It wasn’t easy, my form probably got sloppy, and I became winded pretty quickly.  I’m just excited that we picked up another exercise and I was able to do it WITHOUT PAIN J  My eating went well to; those two things are definitely going hand in hand lately…as they always should. 

I’ve been feeling pretty good about the way I’ve been controlling my emotions lately.  I was able to express the way I feel in a positive way without reacting, crying, and making myself out to be the victim and to my surprise, everything turned out to be fine.  I have this overwhelming fear that if I express my feelings people will just walk away from me.  In the past, I’ve felt as though my feelings and I were disregarded so instead of expressing how I feel I go into a panic, shutdown mode; never a fun thing to go through.

Lots of prayers going out for all kinds of positive things. The last couple of weeks have been amazing as I see things unfold. A friend of mine and I have decided take advantage of the “buddy system” and get through a rough patch and support each other.  What I have been going through is nothing compared to her experiences.  We have been both praying for each other and ourselves, I requested my Bible Study group pray for her as well, which we did, and I’m sure many others are praying as well. When I spoke to her yesterday she shared so much great news.  She has broken out of her rut; relief and happiness has given her renewed hope.

She is one of the people who told me not to worry, to trust in God and pass my worries to him.  I now see, and feel, why this is so important to do AND, more than that, it is possible to do. I have never been so aware of and had so many experiences in seeing the difference prayer makes in our lives.

Today was sort of a crazy day…seems like lots of little things went wrong.  Nothing major, just enough to throw me off my game a bit.  I’ve been working on my budget for work and it’s turned out to be quite a learning experience.  It’s pretty challenging but I must admit I like doing it. 

We are working on getting some things situated for our oldest at school.  He informed me today that he thinks he is entering “rebellious teenage stage”, my response, “Really?  I think you need to get out of that stage”.  I’m so thankful to God that he has been blessed with caring teachers who are willing to work with him.

I’m avoiding stressing over Christmas this year.  Aside from the usual hustle and bustle, money…or lack thereof, and not being with my family I am trying hard to focus on the reason we celebrate this time of year.  I always go into a depression, always.  Some years are worse than others, but no matter what I allow myself to get this way.  Why in the world, especially during such a glorious season, would I want to feel this way?  I don’t want to feel that way, so I’m praying to the One whose birth we celebrate during this time…and it’s working!

I’m actually feeling sort of okay about the workout tonight.  I was a little bit sore afterwards but there was no pain or discomfort during…I can’t begin to tell you how that makes me feel.  Having this injury has frustrated me so much but after tonight I feel better.  In fact, after each workout lately I’ve been feeling better.  My next obstacle is to get over the fear that I am going to reinjure myself.  The way I feel about my workouts is definitely affecting my eating.  It has been much better.  I’m looking forward to getting paid this week so I can do lots of good food shopping and preparing meals for the week.

I’m still waiting to hear about my blood work; today I was going to submit the samples needed to test hormones and some other things but I hit a wall.  Looks like tomorrow will be the big day for that.  I am really anxious about all these results; I’m curious to hear what he recommends. 

Another prayer of mine and someone  else's was answered yesterday...I am beyond thrilled for this person.  She is an amazingly strong woman who has had a tough year.  Looks like she's going to be okay!

What a Great Weekend...

And the weekend comes to an end…it’s been a great one.  Friday night we went to Joe’s school for a performance.  He wasn’t performing but we had friends who were.  Vocal, band, and strings of School of the Arts had a Christmas concert.  It was absolutely amazing!  I felt like I was at a professional show not a middle school performance.  We enjoyed every bit of it!

Saturday morning Justin had to test for his purple belt.  He started Karate in August.  We were going to put him in the extended day program at school, but for $15 more each week we opted for Karate after school program.  It’s great, they pick him up from school, they have class from 4-5 then he changes and does homework until we pick him up.  We weren’t sure how much he would like it and how well he would do since his coordination isn’t the best and it takes time for him to pick up on movements.  I must say I was overwhelmed at how well he did.  He passed his test and received his 3^rd belt since August.  I am so proud of him.  I spoke to his Sensei and he told me that Justin is the only child who comes right in, changes into his ghee and gets right on the floor and started practicing before class starts.

We were lucky enough to witness 2 kids who were around 12 get their black belts.  That was an amazing ceremony.  It was so moving.  The dedication these kids have is so inspirational.  I was literally moved to tears…which really isn’t that hard to do J  I’m praying this is something Justin continues to do for so many reasons.

Last night headed out to dinner with a group of girls.  We had such a nice time catching up, sharing stories, and laughing.  This is a very inspiring group of ladies.  I’m so thankful I was asked to join them.  Today was a MAJOR work day; we ripped the boys rooms apart, cleaned them, and put them back together.  It’s amazing all the clothes and single socks you find when you move things.  The best part was that they were all helping, having fun, and smiling. I didn’t get one complain all day.  I LOVED it!  So much was done and we spent lots of great quality time together.

My body is tired now.  I can’t believe how tired I get when I do things and once I get into bed, there are all kinds of discomfort but this weekend… it was well worth it.

The upcoming week is going to be a busy one.  I have 2 holiday parties to throw, a huge budget to complete, and hopefully I’ll be able to take time off.  I’m thinking like 10 days J Wouldn’t that be great?

Keeping lots of people in my prayers; it seems like so many people I know are experiencing challenges whether it be physically, financially, or emotionally. Praising God for the peace he's given me over the past few days and for answering so many prayers. 

Throughout the last few weeks I felt myself connecting and disconnecting with God.  Not that I ever stopped believing in Him, I was so distracted and wrapped up in myself that I would forget to acknowledge and pray to Him…yet there were so many reminders that he was there.

About 3 weeks ago I was in the waiting room of a doctor’s off and a man, named Michael, began to speak to me.  He was clearly disabled and for some reason he started to explain to me why.  Michael was lying in his car and a container was accidently dropped from a crane on him.  Had he been sitting upright in the car he would have been dead, according to the doctors.  He told me while he was in the hospital he died and went to heaven.  He was greeted by St Paul.  After his experience he became a believer.  He goes to different churches and shares his experience.  I’ve heard of people who have had these experiences but never actually met someone who did.

The next day I was driving and a friend sent me a text.  She told me about a man who approached her husband and said to him “your family is going to be okay and so is your little girl.”  Does that sound odd…no, not really.  But considering this guy knows nothing about them…oh and did I forget to mention he also said, “God told me I needed to tell you.”  Isn’t that amazingly freaky yet so comforting?  Their little girl has been having stomach problems for some time now.

Then, just last week 4 of my prayers were answered within hours of each other.  I have a friend who has been fighting for custody of her grandchild since May.  What a rollercoaster ride!  I prayed frequently that she gain custody of this child.  It finally happened and she was reunited with her brother and sister.

Soon after that I received a phone call that my mom was doing so much better and would be released over the weekend.  What a relief this was.  It was just about a week before that they said she would be in the hospital for a while.  She I home now, going to dialysis, and taking good care of herself, hopefully.

Ever been stuck at a crossroad and your just not sure which way to go?  I have been there for a little while now.  I really felt the need to have a conversation with someone but they didn’t have the time to talk.  We emailed a little bit about the situation but that can take too long and it was something that was really weighing heavy on my mind.  I prayed to God to guide me and give me some clarity so I would know what the best thing to do would be.  When I saw him the conversation just started.  I thought it was a good conversation and I feel as though things are okay for now. 

Final prayer answered that day was for an amazingly strong lady who is going through treatment for cancer.  She found an area on her leg that they were concerned about.  She had a doctor’s appointment earlier that day.  When I went to her office to see how she was doing, she told me that everything was fine.

I have never experienced, or at least have been aware of, Gods presence and reassurance that everything will be ok, that I will be ok.  It was all these things, including the conversation I had that yanked me out of that rut I was in.  I’m feeling much better and more focused.    My eating is under control as far as binging goes, now back to better food choices, prepping, and taking care of myself…not feeling sorry or sad about things.

I want to learn…wait let me rephrase that…I need to pass my worries over to God.  I hold on to them so tightly and literally torture myself about things.  I end up in the victim role.  I don’t want to do this anymore, it’s so exhausting.  I don’t want to waste any more time.  I want to create peace, consistency, and happiness.  It’s a while since someone I knew shared this passage to me.  It was one of those things that were shared at the perfect time…I always go back to this for comfort.

Matthew 6:25-34

Do Not Worry

    ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Here I am...Again.

Where have I been…what have I been up to?  Good questions.  I’ve been asking myself the same things.  I slipped away; I went from being optimistic with a great plan in place to total denial, depression, not knowing what to do…I felt completely lost.

My plan to treat my MS with a clean diet and exercise was a great one.  It worked well for about a week before it fell apart.  I convinced myself that it wasn’t going to work, that it would cost too much money.  Once again I sabotaged my own plan.  So as I’ve done in the past, I went in to total opposite direction and ate…and ate.  I would work out, and then hurt, a pain hurt, not a good sore hurt.  My workouts were so off…that made things worse.  All’s I wanted was for time to turn back to the summer when I was at my best.

Those few weeks during the summer were amazing for me.  I never felt better, my workouts were never better; I was finally in a place where I felt successful…consistently.  I was FINALLY under that 200lb mark…I never thought that would happen for me.  That was the point that I was always afraid to reach and every time I would get close to it, I would get into my self-sabotage mode and ruin it for myself. 

Why would I do this?  I have myself convinced that whenever something terrible happened to me in my life it was when I dropped below 200lbs.  How ridiculous does that sound?  Pretty silly…right? RIGHT!  Well when I hit that mark my only negative thought was, “okay let’s see what terrible thing is going to happen to me”.  Yup I was already priming myself for my “victim role” and of course I associated the MS diagnosis with this.

I felt as though all the work I did on myself went out the window.  From my weight loss, my workouts, emotionally, physically, mentally…it was gone…well so I thought.

Something clicked this past week.  I got my eating under control, I’m pretty much out of my “depressed” state, my workouts this week were better…not good but better, and my pain is low most of the time.  The numbness in my leg still exists around my knee area.  It tends to travel up and down my leg, but it’s temporary.

So what’s next for me?  I need to set some goals.  Goals associated with my health, performance, and emotional intelligence.

The most important goal is the one associated with my health.  I will be back on track and eating clean in no time.  I’m seeing a doctor who ran lots of blood work for food allergies, hormone imbalances, etc.  I should have those results back next week.  I'm anxious to see how they turn out and what the next step would be.  We already determined that I have a gluten allergy…no surprise there at all, I know that’s coming out of my diet, again.  It was out of my diet the entire time I was training for the half marathon.  I’m waiting to hear from a nurse about starting shots of Rebiff for the MS. I am so disappointed that I couldn’t get a handle on my eating and felt the need to start shots to avoid progression. 

Next will be the other two.  I need to come up with another event to train for, come up with something realistic so I won’t get reinjured, I may need some help from my trainer with this one. My level of frustration seems to rise when I can’t do something as well as was able to just a couple of months ago.  Signing up for an event worked wonders for me last time; I’m just not sure what the best thing would be at this point.  I may need to hold off on that for a few more weeks. I’m not quite sure how to gain that emotional intelligence…I may have to read a book, but for now I’ll pray about it…along with everything else.

For the last few weeks I have been repeatedly encouraged to blog.  The encouragement continues and seems to get stronger.  A friend of mine was even helping me to come up with a name for a new blog.

So after much thought and the fact that I absolutely miss my blog, which was also my outlet, I am going to pick up where I left off...starting tomorrow.

I'm looking forward to sharing, expressing, venting, and most of all, hopefully inspiring and helping others.

“It is through being wounded that power grows and can, in the end, become tremendous”

Did anyone catch on to what happened yesterday?  As you were reading my blog post about my half marathon, did you realize what I realized when I read it over today?  I’m done…it’s over.  My “weight loss” journey has come to an end.  I am no longer a “wide load narrowing” and there is no reason to “approach with caution”.  Crossing the finish line yesterday was not only about finishing 13.1 miles, it was about completing a journey.  That finish line ended a chapter in my life. 

How do I know?

·         “Wide Load Narrowing”...this was based on the obvious; I was morbidly obese for most of my life; I am NO LONGER MORBIDLY OBESE.          

·         “Approach With Caution”…When I started this journey I was so “broken” and as I continued to lose weight more was revealed which caused my emotional state to spiral out of control.  My outlet during these revelations was amazing; like no other I ever experienced.  I had someone who cared to listen, I was encouraged to talk things out which forced me to deal with things as they unfolded; this started the healing process. 

Today, I am no longer broken, I’m healing.  Approach me…let me give back to you, or anyone else, what was given to me, what I was blessed with; a strong support system, true friendship, love, kindness, someone to listen, someone to guide me, someone to be so honest with me that it hurt.

Although I thanked many often, I thanked them whole heartedly in yesterday’s blog post.  It sounds as if I am saying goodbye…but not goodbye to them, goodbye to this.

·         Meeting Melissa and not talking about my journey yesterday spoke loudest to me.  I ALWAYS bring up in some way, shape, or form my weight loss…I can’t remember a time that I didn't.  Yesterday I was silenced for some reason that was beyond my understanding. Something compelled me to listen, not speak, as others did for me during my journey.

What does this mean?  Am I never going to “diet” again?  Yes, that’s what it means; I am never going to diet again!  My life has changed, my reasons are different, and a lifestyle of clean eating and intense exercise MUST complete its evolution.  It is now my main focus, it can’t linger any longer simply because of this MS diagnosis.

I still want to inspire others.  More than anything I want to help them with their own journey not just talk about my own and inspire them with my accomplishments.  I need to focus on this, I’m not sure where to go with this or how to do it but I feel compelled to do it. 

I experienced what it was like last year for a while.  It was amazing, it made me happy, I felt complete, in a professional sense, for the first time ever and when it was gone I missed it, I still do.  I feel sad not having this opportunity any longer.

I realized during that time that I am a “doer” and I can do good things for others when I believe in a person and their philosophies.  It’s time for me to throw myself out there again and see if there are others out there like this and if there is a need for me.  I’ll be praying hard for guidance, opportunity, and acceptance.  Not only will this give me the opportunity to help others it will help me; this will keep me on track and accountable.  I’m very grateful for being introduced and given the opportunity to dabble in the professional side of the fitness world for a short while; it’s time to make some connections to get involved again.  I want the fitness journey to be about someone else, not about me. 

There’s a part of me that’s sad to end this blog, I can cry knowing these are the final word I will type, but I am more excited.  This just didn’t end, I finished it.  It wasn’t ripped out from under me, I am closing it.  I’m ready to move on and take everything I learned with me.

"In running, it doesn't matter whether you come in first, in the middle of the pack, or last. You can say, 'I have finished.' There is a lot of satisfaction in that."

Today was the day; HALF MARATHON day.  The day I dreamed about up until 8 weeks ago.  Amazing how this turned out to be so different than what I hoped it could be; from who I hoped would be there next to me, down to walking it instead of running it.  Was I disappointed? Not at all!  God has blessed me with another wonderful person.  He sent me there with the people he knew I could support and inspire and who could support and inspire me.  Right from the phone calls, to the texts, to people asking TJ about me, these were the people, for whatever reason, God wanted to play a part, whether small or large, on this day.

We headed out to Savannah Friday mid-afternoon.  First stop was at the hotel to pick up one of the girls then went right to the expo to pick up our race packets.  We spent just a little bit of walking through the expo.  It was great, a bit crowded but exciting.  I wish we could have spent more time there.

Straight from the Expo we headed to Downtown Savannah to The Olde Pink House for a wonderful dinner.  We had lots of fun.  One of the ladies, Sara, brought her husband along.  There he sat, surrounded by lots of women; we were joking that it was like the shows “Sister Wives” and “Big Love”.

Right after dinner we went back to the hotel, unpacked, and relaxed.  I shared a room with Valerie.  We foam rolled and lacrosse balled anything and everything.  By the time we were done we were almost lethargic haha.  We slept pretty well after that.

We were up bright and early; 4:50 AM to be exact. I showered, packed back up, loaded up the car and grabbed some breakfast.  We had to go to another hotel to catch the shuttles to the race.  As soon as we got to the race area we hit the port-a-potties, checked in our gear and headed into our corral.  Shelly and Traci headed into Traci’s corral so they could start together and finish within a decent amount of time together so they could catch up after they crossed the finish line.  This was the first half marathon they’ve done and man did they rock it.  Shelly finished in just over 2 hours and Traci in just over 2 hours and 20 minutes.  I’m so proud and excited for them.  Sara and her husband Neil, both seasoned runners headed to their assigned corrals as well.  I was in corral 23, I’m pretty sure it was the 2^nd to last corral.  The rest of the group, Nicole, Valerie, Leigh, and Kelly stayed with me in my corral…how amazing is that? 

While we were waiting for the race to start we met Melissa.  Melissa was there by herself.  This was her 10^th half marathon…my thought was, “she’s nuts”.  She was unable to run because she was still recovering from surgery.  Since she was there alone and was walking and since I was there and was about to be alone once the girls started running, we decided to hoof it together.  She literally took me under her wing.

What a great experience this turned into for me.  I was scared!  I had no idea what to expect. She was fun, kept me moving and motivated the entire time…and boy did we laugh!  Beginning of mile 5 everything started to tighten up on me.  I felt lots of pulling in my back, my leg was becoming more numb, and I started to panic thinking I wouldn’t be able to finish.

Soon enough, I realized that the pain would only last about 5 minutes or so then move to another area.  Although it was extremely uncomfortable, it was relieving not to have a nagging pain in the same spot for long.  I held onto that thought every time a new pain popped up.  There were plenty of distractions from the pain as well.  People watching for one…oh my goodness!  The things we saw.  There was a young girl maybe 18ish walking, decked out in purple and gold with a scarf, bows, and lots of other tacky things.  Not only did she look tacky, she does not have very good friends.  None of them were good enough to let her know how terrible she looked in her get up. At the very least, they should have suggested she look in a mirror.  Am I being ugly, well yes, BUT trust me, you all would have thought the same thing.  We were also walking alongside a gentleman who was walking a bit ahead of his wife.  All of a sudden he turns around and says to her “are you coming Seabiscuit?”  Melissa and I were like, “huh, did he really call her Seabiscuit?”  We lost it, we could not contain ourselves.  Why would this guy nick name his wife after a darn horse?

Aside from the crazy stuff, there was much more to see that was inspiring.  Many opportunities to cry; this was an extremely emotional day.  We saw a young man walking the half with 2 prosthetic legs, an older women walking with a “boot”, she maybe had a broken food.  Lots of people walking in honor or in memory of others, lots of great things like that.  I became very emotional when we came to the area where the full marathoners merged with the half marathoners….AMAZING!  To see such athletes accomplish 26.2 miles in under 4 hours blew my mind.  Some were clearly hurting and pushing with all they had left.  Others looked as though they barely broke a sweat.

As we neared the finish line I was really hurting.  The van kept driving by; the van to pick up the quitters that is.  I was told that unless she saw blood or bones I was not getting in that van.  I tried to tell her I was bleeding internally but she didn’t believe me.  Melissa’s motivation soon kicked into high gear.  She would say ever so nonchalantly, “hey Maria, see that couple walking and holding hands? We can’t let them beat us.”  So we would pick up the pace.  “Hey Maria, we can’t let that girl up there with the green backpack beat us.”  “No we can’t Melissa, especially since it doesn’t match what she’s wearing.” And we passed her.  Before I knew it we were ready to hit mile 13…I was sucking in those tears.

All the sucking in, in the world would hold in tears when I saw Shelly, Valerie, Traci, Nicole, Leigh, and Kelly standing near the mile 13 sign.  I became so chocked up.  Then the girls were walking along side of us, on the opposite side of the fence, to the finish line.

Melissa looked at me and said, “C’mon, do you think you could run it?” and I said, “No, I’ll fall on my butt.”  With that she grabbed my hand and we started to run.  We held hands, running together, crossing the finish line with that wonderful, crazy group of ladies right outside the fence along side of us.  Oh my goodness the tears, I was so overwhelmed.  I became even more overwhelmed when we went to get our medals.  Melissa was handed hers, and as mine was being handed to me she told the lady, “no”, took it from her then placed it around my neck.  What do you do, what do you say?  You don’t, you hug and you cry. 

She was undoubtedly placed into corral 23 for me.  As I told her she mentally dragged me through the race haha.  Would I have finished if I did this by myself?  Possibly. Would I have finished if someone else was with me?  No doubt.  But would it have had the same meaning?  HELL NO.  This was yet another great moment in my life.

Melissa shared so much with me during our time together.  We have been on the same journey for different reasons.  We experienced similar issues and challenges.  For the first time EVER I completely listened to someone without comparing their journey to mine. I listened to her in astonishment as she talked about how much she lost, how great her trainer is (I was shocked to learn there was another great trainer in existence besides mine), the challenges she was facing.  It was like I was put there to listen while she was there to push me along.  Not only did she push me along during the run, she re-inspired me all together.  Here’s this person who has lost 100lbs and is doing her 10^th Half Marathon.  Not only is she inspiring, she’s crazy haha.  Thank you, thank you, thank you Melissa for being there for me!!!  You are the reason I finished!

Well, whenever I have these moments I get emotional, and whenever I get emotional I need to express what I feel for others…so bear with me…again…as I do this J  There are so many people to thank:

My husband, TJ, first and foremost, for his support and understanding.  Our lives are so different since we married 13 years ago with so many changes taking place in the last 3 years and with a very unpredictable future ahead of us.  Thank you for sacrificing so much for me and for staying by my side. 

My 3 sweet boys, oh the many compliments and comments that made me smile or brought tears of joy to my eyes.  This journey was for each of you.  You were my reasons and motivation.  I wanted to be able to run with you, play with you, and protect you. Now things have shifted and I need to stay strong, committed, and consistent so I can continue to do these things.  My biggest fear is not that of leaving this earth, it’s not being able to live life to its fullest with all of you.  My goals have changed; weight loss is no longer the primary goal.  It’s walking, it’s dancing with you at your wedding (I already have a song picked out for each of you).  My biggest battle is not knowing what to do, I’ve been taught well.  It’s battling the demons that I continue to allow to bring this journey to a halt.  After today, after seeing how God worked this out, after praying for the pain to ease, after crossing that finish line, I know I can defeat those demons once and for all…for the 3 of you.

Shelly, Valerie, Traci, Nicole, Leigh, Kelly, Sara and Neil, thank you for sharing this special day.  What a great time!  There were lots of tears, laughter, and wives for you Neil. God has blessed me with the most amazing people since day 1 of this fitness journey; whether it is Q Boot Campers, my favorite group of Boot Camp ladies, the Bunco girls (which is where it all started) and everyone else who I worked out with, shared experiences with, etc.  I can’t recall one person in the last 3 years who has had a negative effect on me and my journey.  I’m stronger than I ever imagined I could be.  So many people to thank all over; it’s impossible to thank everyone who has touched my life and supported this journey.

Brent, I know that when people thank others over and over again it loses meaning and you become tired of it. I honestly don’t think you or anyone else understands how I feel. Not sure if I ever told you this, but I was beyond confused during that first session of boot camp; I couldn’t understand why I was so drawn to you.  When you told me that you believed God placed us in each other’s lives for a reason it all made sense to me, everything fell into place.  I know a “symbiotic” relationship is no longer something we share and no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to repay you or express my gratitude for all you’ve done; you have saved my life and guided me to become a stronger person spiritually and emotionally. I heard you say to one of the ladies this past Monday night that you believe in me more than I believe in myself; that meant so much to me yet made me realize so much more and I’m excited to tell you that after today, even though I couldn’t run the half like I wanted to, I believe in myself more than ever…and it feels pretty good J

Thank you God for each and every one of these blessings bestowed upon me.  I am beyond grateful for the strength you’ve given me to finish this run and for the people you’ve placed before me to get through it.