Where have I been…what have I been up to? Good questions. I’ve been asking myself the same things. I slipped away; I went from being optimistic with a great plan in place to total denial, depression, not knowing what to do…I felt completely lost.
My plan to treat my MS with a clean diet and exercise was a great one. It worked well for about a week before it fell apart. I convinced myself that it wasn’t going to work, that it would cost too much money. Once again I sabotaged my own plan. So as I’ve done in the past, I went in to total opposite direction and ate…and ate. I would work out, and then hurt, a pain hurt, not a good sore hurt. My workouts were so off…that made things worse. All’s I wanted was for time to turn back to the summer when I was at my best.
Those few weeks during the summer were amazing for me. I never felt better, my workouts were never better; I was finally in a place where I felt successful…consistently. I was FINALLY under that 200lb mark…I never thought that would happen for me. That was the point that I was always afraid to reach and every time I would get close to it, I would get into my self-sabotage mode and ruin it for myself.
Why would I do this? I have myself convinced that whenever something terrible happened to me in my life it was when I dropped below 200lbs. How ridiculous does that sound? Pretty silly…right? RIGHT! Well when I hit that mark my only negative thought was, “okay let’s see what terrible thing is going to happen to me”. Yup I was already priming myself for my “victim role” and of course I associated the MS diagnosis with this.
I felt as though all the work I did on myself went out the window. From my weight loss, my workouts, emotionally, physically, mentally…it was gone…well so I thought.
Something clicked this past week. I got my eating under control, I’m pretty much out of my “depressed” state, my workouts this week were better…not good but better, and my pain is low most of the time. The numbness in my leg still exists around my knee area. It tends to travel up and down my leg, but it’s temporary.
So what’s next for me? I need to set some goals. Goals associated with my health, performance, and emotional intelligence.
The most important goal is the one associated with my health. I will be back on track and eating clean in no time. I’m seeing a doctor who ran lots of blood work for food allergies, hormone imbalances, etc. I should have those results back next week. I'm anxious to see how they turn out and what the next step would be. We already determined that I have a gluten allergy…no surprise there at all, I know that’s coming out of my diet, again. It was out of my diet the entire time I was training for the half marathon. I’m waiting to hear from a nurse about starting shots of Rebiff for the MS. I am so disappointed that I couldn’t get a handle on my eating and felt the need to start shots to avoid progression.
Next will be the other two. I need to come up with another event to train for, come up with something realistic so I won’t get reinjured, I may need some help from my trainer with this one. My level of frustration seems to rise when I can’t do something as well as was able to just a couple of months ago. Signing up for an event worked wonders for me last time; I’m just not sure what the best thing would be at this point. I may need to hold off on that for a few more weeks. I’m not quite sure how to gain that emotional intelligence…I may have to read a book, but for now I’ll pray about it…along with everything else.
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