Moving Forward

I have a very happy, excited little boy!  Justin had his first voice lesson tonight.  He seemed a bit nervous at first; he wasn’t so sure he wanted to go.  He walked out after his lesson excited; when we were in the car he said he couldn’t wait until the next one…he even came up with his own warm up J

I had a pretty good day today; it was productive, had a good workout, had some time to relax and catch by breath.  I’m looking forward to the weekend, Justin will be 9 Saturday (sniff, sniff) I can’t believe how quickly this time has gone by.  We will have a group of little boys over, possibly going to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid, and a sleep over.  Would like to try to make it to the Flowertown Festival this year, I haven’t been there in a while; totally blowing off the Cooper River Bridge Run this year.

Working on forgetting about everything that happened this week.  Not going to focus on it, not going to cry or whine over it, I’m just going to let it everything  go and see where I am lead.

Did well on my eating but lost control at the end of the day…the great thing is that I get another chance tomorrow, God willing.  My plan is to replace binging with prayer...simple enough.

Having a purpose is the difference between making a living and making a life." -Tom Thiss

Today was a nice day. Stayed home from work, went to the boys Honor Roll Ceremony, did some shopping for dinner, went to work out-had a pretty good group workout and a great one on one workout, headed home to cook, clean, and have some good conversation with friends. Nick had a great doctor’s appointment today.  Tj spoke to the doctor about how to inform him of his Asperger’s and her response was, “no one has ever asked me that.”

Been thinking a lot about all I put myself through yesterday. I’m still confused, not sure if I’m handling things right.  I’m at a loss; I really thought I found my purpose.

When I feel this way, I’m starting to slip and I’m nervous that it might just be a matter of time before I fall.  My eating wasn’t good today; I had this uncontrollable urge to eat.  I was able to fight the urge a few times but gave in to it other times.  I don’t understand why I do this…there is no comfort in eating anymore.  I missed something when I was going through this today, I missed what has been giving me comfort for a while now, I missed what has held me together at times like this…I missed praying today.  I got so caught up in things I had to do.  I can’t help but wonder if my lack of prayer enhanced my urges to binge.

I’m hoping tomorrow will bring goodness and peace of mind. 

Another Chapter Coming to a Close...

They say that when you finally make a decision about something you feel relieved…I would like to know who said that and what the heck made them think that.  I made a decision today and I do not feel at ease.  I should be at ease; the element that has clealry complicated so much has been removed so it should all go smoothly from this point further.  In my head, it was the right thing to do for now, but in my heart I feel sadness,  I know I disappointed people again, I failed at doing something I found true happiness in; I even seriously considered perusing some kind of career in this haha.  I know when things are not right for someone it is presented in some way so they are made aware of it.  I just wish when things that weren’t meant to be presented themselves it would be with less pain. 

Progress

Progress towards anything I am trying to do stands out so much…then all of a sudden it’s like a neon light flashes “REGRESS”.  I’m not referring to my diet this time, just life in general. 

Like so many of us, I am working on making myself a better person.  I am truly working hard at it to.  I am aware of things I’ve never thought of, everything I do or say I think about and analyze and think about how it could have been better.  I truly believe I’m making progress with this, it just doesn’t happen fast enough.

Bettering myself takes time, undoing 30-something  years of whatever the heck did this to me just doesn’t happen because I decided I wanted to better myself.  I can easily “act” like I’m better, but I like to think of myself as being genuine; not phony. I have, many times, put a smile on my face to hide some sadness, worry, etc. but that doesn’t mean I’m pretending to be something I’m not it just means that I don’t want to burden others with worry or what might weighing heavy on my mind.

I can only continue to work to make progress to become the person I want to be for myself and my family; I will continue to pray that progress is made before people I care about grow tired and walk away from the me even I am trying to escape from.

I really liked this and thought I would share it:

10 Ways I Know There's Nothing Wrong With You (or Me)

Lots to say but struggling putting things into words today...

Had the pleasure to catch up with an old friend this evening on Facebook (just love that social networking thing). I love it when I can have a conversation with someone I haven’t seen or talked to in years and we talk like a day hasn’t gone by.

I’ve known him for over 20 years; we worked together for a long time. He is a good person, lots of fun.  He and his family have experienced great losses throughout the last decade; it truly breaks my heart.  His brother died on 9-11; he worked in the World Trade Center.  Never will any of us forget that day; In the midst of the horror that was going on, I will never forget Steve walking into my office, in shock, saying over and over “my brother is dead”.  I tried to talk to him, to have him sit down and wait to hear once everything settled.  Sadly he was right.  His sister lost her husband after that and just 6 weeks ago his dad died suddenly.  He was 72 but still playing softball.  So much dying in such a short amount of time, it seems so, so unfair.

It’s so sad to hear these things.  Its someone else’s losses that can sometimes make us think how lucky we are. We take so much for granted.  We are not lucky by any means.  This life, in my mind, isn’t based on luck.  There are so many things that we complicate, we are so selfish in so many ways, we are petty, materialistic, self-consumed, etc., etc., etc., While others are legitimately hurting from true tragedies, we are feeling sorry for ourselves over something silly.  The next time you are feeling sorry for yourself, STOP! and pray about.  No matter how bad you think you have it, chances are someone has it worse than you.

Do you ever say, “I’m so lucky” when you hear that someone else’s experiences are worse than yours?  Do you really believe that is luck?  For a long time I did; I don’t believe that any more.  I believe it’s because we are blessed.  I can look back at my life and now see lots that I was blessed with that I didn’t recognize at the time.  It makes me very sad when I think of what I missed out on…I am not going to let that happen again.

Because of the rain our first softball game was cancelled (BOOOO) we were disappointed but we were able to get lots of other things done.  We were able to finish Joe and Justin’s room.  It’s great to bring a project to a close…now on to the next one…still lots to do.  We need to finish the hallway, the floor in the spare room (Ryan your room is almost readyJ), and rescreen the porch…that’s what’s next on the list.

As I’m sitting up here blogging, my sweet husband is finishing up laundry and making a goof Paleo lunch for both of us J  What a Blessing he is…I am forever grateful to God that I recognized that one sooner than later.

We are all getting excited about our trip to NY.  Need to put a bit of work into the van-brakes, oil change, things like that.  I’m dreading the drive; it will probably take us 14-16 hours, but it will be worth it!  We are going for my dad’s 75^th birthday.  I was even more excited when I found out Easter is the same weekend, so we get to spend a Holiday with my family…HOORAY!!  We are planning big family dinners for dad’s birthday and for Easter.

A very busy yet extremely blessed day...

From the second I woke up I was moving.  Got some much needed work done in the backyard, started back there about 8 AM but needed to stop due to baseball practice at 10.  Got to the field, did a workout with Valerie, who forewarned me that we were doing ¼ mile sprints, watch the boys scrimmage, went for a mani/pedi, then TJ Maxx and Marshalls, then back home to mow the front yard, shower and head to Blackbaud for a fundraiser.  A very busy and blessed day.

We had a great time this evening with great friends.  It was so nice to spend time with everyone and see others we have not seen for a while.  We had lots of laughs tonight; for the rest of my life I will remember the “F” and “W” story and laugh every time I think about it J

Something that is awkward for me is receiving compliments.  A few people complimented me on how good they think I look.  I am so grateful that they share those thoughts with me especially since it something that’s hard for me to see. At the same time, I am uncomfortable receiving compliments because I don’t feel what they see.  I am still waiting for the day that I feel pretty.  Clearly it’s not time for me to; I’m not sure when it will happen or if it ever will but if it does happen and if it feels the way I can only imagine it will, it will be an amazing day for me.

We have our first softball game tomorrow.  TJ and I are excited to play.  The gentleman who was doing my pedicure today was kind enough to point out the big bump and pretty purple bruise on my leg today that I got at softball practice last week….as if I didn’t notice J  One of the guys at work, who plays on our team, told me he wants to see me hit a homerun…haha…sure no problem, I’ll try my best.

There is a guy at work who commented me on my weight loss Friday.  I pass him every time I go to our workout area.  He was walking behind me and he told me that he can really see a difference.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s weird to hear this knowing someone is looking at your backside and saying this, yet it makes me smile whenever someone comments on my weight loss when they are walking behind me because I know that’s the area (really large area) that I need to lose in the most.

Anyway…I was excited to see the stats of my blog.  I wish I knew if this was impacting others than those I know of.  It’s very interesting to see where the people are who are reading my blog.  There are people from the US, Canada, UK, China, Denmark, Sri Lanka, Singapore, Italy, and Japan.
 

I wonder what everyone thinks, especially those from other countries.  I wonder most about the person in Japan; I can’t help but think if that person is okay.  I’ve prayed for that person, as I have for everyone in Japan who has been affected by the recent, tragic events, but there’s something different about that one person, that I don’t even know. That person knows something about me (well probably a lot more than something) and I can’t help but to feel there is some kind of odd connection to that person.  Does that make any sense at all to anyone haha.   And I can't help but wonder if I might be related to the person from Italy...hey, ya never know.

In any case, this blog and seeing those stats have been very humbling for me.  I haven’t had an outlet to pour my heart out to for a little while now.  I’m, unfortunately, the type of person who needs to “dump” my feelings out, talk them out, and I need some kind of feedback from someone.  Thank you for “listening” and allowing me to express myself and get things off my chest, for laughing with me and crying with me.  As I’m sure all of you may know, it is not the same as having one person sitting right next to you listening and consoling, and caring and helping you find direction, but it is very comforting and extremely meaningful.

A Great Ending to a Pretty Good Week

Love Fridays…but then again who doesn’t?  It was a busy morning at work; we had a meeting for a new system we are implementing; lots of loose ends to tie up from the week, but the morning ended well and the afternoon started off with a great workout that was lots of fun, we had many laughs…they were at my expense haha…but it was all in good fun.

Speaking of working out, Brent brought up something I noticed and blogged about this week.  He noticed how I take extended rests and how I stall during transitions in my workout.  He timed me during our group workout to see how long it took me to get to the next station and start; it took me 24 seconds…YIKES!  That is not good at all.  Needless to say, I will be working on changing this terrible habit I’ve gotten myself into.  I know improving my transition time will definitely help me to reach the goals I have set for myself.

I’m feeling SO much better about the dilemmas I was having at work.  I really just needed to talk it out, I needed to hear what I was thinking, and I needed that blunt honesty, nothing sugar coated, no beating around the bush, this is what it is, kind of conversation with a very understanding, kind person.  Without fail, whenever we have a deep meaningful conversation I walk away with a clear head, direction towards a resolution, and a better understanding of myself.  The next step, to execute the plan, will be difficult but it will be done and all will move forward from there taking whichever direction they choose.

Had another deep conversation with my boss yesterday.  We pretty much covered everything and more that happened within the past 2 years.  There was a lot of talking this last 2 days for me.  It was all great; it brought up lots of emotions and a few good laughs.

As the end of the day neared, I experienced something that was extremely upsetting and disturbing, had lots more laughs, and learned a couple of new things.  I feel all confused after today…but it’s all good confusion I guess.  Even the negative things I experienced are or will soon be OK.

Water intake was good today although I fell short of my gallon of water.  Eating went well until dinner.  Had dinner with a friend and the boys, well 2 out of 4 of them anyway.  My intentions were to be good….not so much tonight.  Here’s what I ate:

700         2 eggs, turkey sausage, prune juice

1130       1/3 small banana

200         Turkey burger, 1 cup broccoli, other ½ of the banana, almonds

630         Outback:  steak, crab cake, bread L, artichoke dip tortilla L cake for dessert L

                The good thing is that the bread was small and the tortilla and dessert were split.  I feel horrible right now, physically.  I won’t let the fact that I cheated get to me.  It happened, it’s over with, time to move forward.