Torn...

This week has been crazier then we ever expected.  Never before have we had such a hectic show week...we are all quite exhausted.

Today was a pretty stressfull day for me.  My back has really been acting up which always leads to increased numbness in my leg; stress always seems to make it worse.  I think I've been handling that pretty well lately by not letting it get into my head and just pushing through the workouts. I really want to get back into lifting.  I have everything I need in my garage, which just happens to be a mess right now, I just need to get started.  That, I know, will build up my confidence...I think haha.  Its been a long while since I picked up a bar. I do worry about hurting my back and making it worse...but I guess I wont know until I give it a shot.

I do feel like something is missing from my workouts, I just can't put my finger on it.  I think its something within me that's still disconnected.  I think everything will come back to me soon though.  I just have to keep looking for whatever it is that's missing or come up with something to replace whatever it was.  I'm enjoying the workouts like I used to, our group at work is great, there's lots of enthusiasm again within the group; people are excited and that makes me feel like we are accomplishing what we set out to do.  I'm looking forward to working out this weekend with another group although I will say an hour workout kicks my butt big time plus I am not used to the trainer and his style of training which makes the entire workout totally unpredictable...I hate not knowing what to expect haha.

I really really want to get back to where I was in the late summer of 2011.  The more I think about where I was lately, the more I want to get back there.  Up until a little while ago whenever I thought about where I was, I would have tons of regrets; I would torture myself about letting myself go. Eh, but that's way behind me now. I'm focusing on not rehashing and dwelling on negative things and it's working out pretty well for me.

But...what I can't figure out is what is stopping me from accepting a great offer and opportunity?  This is what I am torn about.  I only have another day or two to make a decision then it's gone.  I need to really convince myself that this is for me and about me...no one else...right?  right!

Weigh in day...

I'm not a big fan of weighing in.  Seeing those 3 icky numbers just raises my anxiety level...I wish my metabolism increased when my anxiety kicks in haha.  I lost 3 more pounds, according to the scale, but I am confident I lost a bit more; PMS (presently menstrual state) may have altered the results...oh the joys of being a female.  As far as inches go, I lost 5, I think.  My mind is shot haha.  In any case...I am going down and that's what matters.

I'm looking forward to having a real successful February.  My head is on straight, I have my workouts lined up for the week and weekends, we have lots of good food in the house, 2 of my boys are starting a kids fit program, TJ is doing awesome and has been very encouraging and inspiring to me...all the stars seemed to be aligned for me...and more importantly, my family.

I'll be sticking with the program I'm in for the next 4 months.  I'm getting everything I want between that and our wellness program at work.  Altough, at times, I feel like I am being somewhat unfaitful (its the best word I can thnk of) to our program at work, I have to do what's I think is best for me, at least until Q's wellness program is complete. 

I am very excited about the response we are having to our nutrition program that will be starting next week at work.  We ave people participating, not only from SC, but from NY, CT, CA UT, WA, and ME so far. I wish I could express how great this makes me feel.  I am so proud of all who participate and so thankful to Quoizel for allowing such an awesome program.

Well we are into our crazy show week and little things seem to keep popping up related to school...UGH!  Things are definitely crazy then ever before but I'm sure it will all be worth it.Tonight was the Tech run through on stage.  I'm really don't know much about that but my husband told me they go over where everyone will stand, where to put the spot lights, stuff like that.  We're excited and tired already...can't wait until opening night!

Let the Craziness Begin...

It has been a CRAZY busy weekend...which is leading right into a crazy busy week.  It's all good, fun stuff!  The Charleston Youth Company has their winter show next weekend and we have two boys participating.  Nick joined the tech group this year; they do all the "behind the scenes" work.  He has really enjoyed it so far and he is very excited about heading to the theatre early tomorrow with the rest of the tech crew to unload the truck and set the stage!  Joe is playing Fat Sam, from Bugsy Malone in the performance.  His short stocky little self looks so damn cute in his mafia suit and hat!

TJ and I have been running around all weekend like 2 chickens without heads haha.  Its times like today when we are in crazy mode that I realize what a pretty awesome tag team we are.  Once we got home this evening we were preparing dinner for tonight, doing laundry, and prepping food for the week so we could do well on our diets.  We finished everything up with time to spare. 

Diets...hmmm...its been crazy this weekend and we were off a bit.  But, we have been doing awesome!  He is down almost 20 lbs. in just over 3 weeks! I have to get weighed and measured on Tuesday so I won't know until then where I stand.  Oh, speaking of diets...in just over a week we are rolling out our nutrition program.  I have a few very excited people, who haven't participated in our wellness program yet, committing to participating.  We are slowly but surely pulling more and more people into this.  It's pretty awesome.

We will keep you posted on how the week goes and I should have great pictures to post next weekend!

Better then I expected...

Since I got my head together and finally put this stupid MS diagnosis far behind me, things have been going so well.  Not just with my eating but my overall perspective on life. I feel my confidence growing and with that I recognize that I have a purpose and that I add value to this crazy world we live in.

It feels great to be able to turn away from food, to have good pain after a workout, to have control over my emotions, and just not worry.  It wasnt too long ago that I, for the first time ever, completely let go of something and left it in God's hands.  It was one of the best experiences I ever had.  No anxiety, no tears, nothing negative and it all worked out perfectly.  This experience taught me a couple of things, the most important is that I learned to trust God whole heartedly.  Two, worrying the way I did only wasted good energy, it caused mood swings, binge eating, and I had no patience for anything or anyone.

So, I now approach my eating like I did when I had great weight loss success...food is fuel.  There is nothing comforting about it, nothing. With this "I can do this" attitude, my workouts are better.  They won't be where they were for a while but they are better and the pain I have is the good pain, not the nagging, hurting kind of pain that I experienced quite a bit of last year.  I have many regrets about my weight gain BUT every time I start to think about  that I quickly change my mind set and remind myself that I have done it before, I will do it again.

Today we attended a funeral of a former coworker, he is also the husband of a current coworker.  Its always so sad to have to say goodbye to anyone then to sit through the service and watch the family is truly heartbreaking.

Things like this always make me think about my own life and it reminds me of how blessed I truly am.  My life is far from perfect and it is not easy yet it is pretty amazing.  I have the greatest boys, an amazing family, wonderful friends, a great job; we have our fair share of struggles and lots of obstacles, but we are really no different then anyone else; our challenges may be different but that's about it.

I'm lucky enough to recognize my flaws so I can improve myself; yup I may be slow to rise to the occasion but I do...eventually. I will disappoint people, and I will regress at times; I'm only human, but I will, eventually, pick up my own pieces and move forward no matter how painful it may be, but I do it, eventually.

When someone passes from the world it reminds me of how short life is.  I realize, now more than ever, how much time I let pass as I hold on to the negative and sadder things.  I think about my weaknesses which I've come to realize is something I allow others to feed into with negativity and and extreme sympathy which completely throws me off and eventually makes me feel worse. 

I often think about how crazy all this is.  I literally rob myself of good, fun days because I would allow myself to become a pessimist BUT only when it comes to my own issues.  With others I can discuss issues they are experiencing and see the optimism in almost every situation...isn't that just CRAZY?

Whenever I realize of how short life is,  I also realize how much time I can waste dwelling on the negative.  I'm thankful that I can realize this; I now need to push myself to remember all this and apply my realizations to my life...and most importantly, when others attempt to bring any negativity into my life I need to fight it off and simply walk away.

The last couple of weeks have been going well.  My head seems to be on straight, I am focused and on track with my eating and exercising.  I'm tracking my food, I'm back up to 4 days of working out a week (hoping to make it 5 within the next couple of weeks), I'm losing weight, my level of pain is down and my level of great soreness is up; I feel good again.  I will always be that person who will constantly need to work on herself...I just can't allow myself to lose sight of who I am and what I will be...eventually.

Life At Best is Bitter Sweet

The New Year has had a few bitter sweet moments already...

Recently a co-worker informed us of her husbands illness.  We were heartbroken to learn last week that there wasn't anything that could be done to help him.  He passed this afternoon.  So sad, my heart breaks for her.  He was her everything, she loved him dearly.  I cannot imagine what she is feeling at this moment; there seems to be a lot of loose ends she will need to deal with.  That is clearly the bitter...the sweet, from what I understand he didn't suffer much; he refused pain medication. We will all rally around her to comfort and help in anyway we can.  Although she may feel alone at this point, she has many waiting to jump in and be there for her.  Please keep her in your prayers.

Justin...my sweet boy.  We were disappointed that he didn't get into the school of his choice, however, I am beyond proud at how well he handled the news.  My 2 prayers throughout this process were that we are able to give him the tools needed to prepare for the audition and that he handle the rejection well.God answered both prayers...okay so maybe that day, while he was in his audition, I may have begged God to let him get in haha but that was more of a moment of desperation :)

I had my own bitter sweet moment yesterday.  As you may know I have struggled with my eating the last year and put on a good amount of the weight I lost.  My entire situation, since I first started this journey, has changed.  As hard as it was I felt I had to look elsewhere for the support I needed.  Its been tough; there are things I am having trouble bringing myself to do.  So finally after almost 3 weeks of having this support I had a successful week; I lost weight and inches.  Its been a while since that's happened.  I do believe I may have gotten some confidence back. 

I decided it may be in my best interest to take this a month at a time. I can't become overwhelmed, I need to remain focused. I'm looking forward to our nutrition program starting up at work; it looks like that may be a while before the accountability end of the program kicks in.

So, the bitter and the sweet...I'm moving on...always a hard thing for me to do; it's something that had to be done, especially since there isnt anyone looking back for me.

One of those days...

Today has been a bit unusual but all turned out okay, thank God.  Things were pretty hectic at work; I am working on a project that requires creating online forms.  Picking it apart and testing it, repeatedly, absolutely has taken it toll on my today.  Just as I was ready to pull my hair out I received a call from a good friend.  She was upset and needed to talk...how can anyone turn down a friend who needs to talk?  I will never know.

She came to work, we talked, I showed her around and then we grabbed some lunch.  We parted with a hug and she left with a smile. I, of course, hated to see her upset, but there's something about someone coming to me to talk or looking for comfort that makes me realize I have more than one purpose in this world.  It was great to spend some time with her to.  Life is so busy lately its hard to find time to share with all the people we care for.

Later on in the day we found out that Justin will not be going to School of the Arts.  The idea of telling him this sickened me.  He wanted this so bad.  Unfortunately when you apply to a school that has 750 applicants and there are only 140 open seats the odds are against you.

Once I arrived home from work TJ and I sat with him and told him the news.  He asked if he could read the letters and towards the end of one he broke down.  His brothers were so concerned; they were very supportive and comforting.  Nick even gave him his new air popper which made Justin feel better.  We decided to head out to grab something to eat and go to Game Stop so the boys could use the gift cards they received for Christmas.  We had a nice evening despite the disappointing news.  Justin went to sleep happy.  Yup...my prayers were answered.  Throughout all this, my strongest prayer was that he would be able to handle the rejection if need be and he did...Praise God!

More prayers answered as far as my eating goes.  I have been doing pretty great this week. Today was probably my best day as far as making sure I get veggies in.  I feel good about myself and I'm looking forward to getting all this extra weight off.  Everything that has to do with my fitness seems to be real positive right now...I'm so grateful for that.

Although today became "one of those days" I do believe it ended well. 

Just sitting here, in bed, since 7PM.  I am so tired.  Its been a stressful, busy day.  There's lots of different projects we are working on that are pretty exciting.

I am very anxious about Justin's audition for middle school.  There was a post on the Facebook page of SOA's Vocal Department.  It said something about how well audition went but they were only able to select 15% of those who auditioned.  All of a sudden my glimmer of hope was gone.  I know they only have about 20 seats open but my goodness a lot of people had to audition for them to only select 15%.  I am putting this in Gods hands.  The last time I did this things worked out well.  I am just praying there will be little disappoint for my boy.  He always wants to try out for things but rarely makes it.  I hope he doesn't lose his spirit.

I was excited to get a pretty good grade on my food log today.  Of course it wasn't perfect because things were so crazy that I skipped my snacks.  I drank lots of water today and stayed pretty focused...I'm pleased with myself. 

Tomorrow we kick off our new wellness programs at work.  I am beyond excited about the response we are having.  We have just over 35% of our workforce participating...that is pretty amazing!  We added 2 new classes and have lots of new participants. 

I have a good feeling about this new year.

Just sitting here watching the Biggest Loser...love watching this.  It gives me such inspiration!  I am just thirsty for it.  Watching this gets me excited!  I sit here knowing I could do those same things...or at least something close to it haha.  What I can't do is lose weight as rapidly as they can.  Thats the unrealistic part of this show to me.  There would be no way I, or most people for that matter, could exercise for hours on end.

I am looking forward to seeing how they deal with the kids they have on.  3 of them, being treated much differently and trained then the adults.  I looking forward to seeing what I will learn about obese children losing weight and how to build up their confidence.

As for me and my "fitness state of mind" I am sorting things out.  I'm getting to where I need to be.  My husband and I decided to take it week by week.  I asked him to stop me, no matter what, if I attempt to cheat, no eating out, bring lunch to work every day, and PREPARE meals.

There's been a lot of regression for me...to much weight gained, so much so that it is hard for me type the number.  I've told a few people, but it literally makes me sick to my stomach to hear myself say it.  It makes me sad, frustrated, and angry.  I am trying to refocus and trying to not look back. It WILL happen again, I will make it happen!

I'm looking forward to our wellness program at work starting up again.  We have lots of new people and 2 new classes.  I am most excited about the mobility class...this is going to make such a difference in the way people feel...especially since we are all getting old(er).
  I say this as I sit in my bed in PAIN...ugh!  Legs and shoulders are killing me today.  My back hasn't been great the past few weeks...lots of numbness in my leg (sigh).  I cut down my chiropractor visits from 2 to 1 per week and man can I feel the difference.  I missed the visit this past week and I feel even worse.  I need to get back on schedule!  I makes such a big difference for me.

I'm praying I will be able to start posting some good weight loss numbers soon!