This was meant to be written last night; I wrote a good amount before something threw me. So, we’ll give it another shot tonight because what was said and what I realized really had an impact on me.
I met Brent outside for our training session Tuesday. He smiled and looked at me and said, “Are you Grumpy”, and I responded “yes”. Since he is always seems to be able to detect my mood I figured he realized how I was feeling; I forgot I had on TJ’s shirt from Disney that had “Grumpy” written on the front of it.
In any case, it all worked out because I really needed to talk and he has the ability to help me sort through my thoughts and bring me to a point so I could figure myself out. I couldn’t understand why, when I received my diagnosis, that I went from being okay with it to being borderline depressed. It seems like overnight I went from “I can beat this, I know what I have to do and that was it”. Now, well before our talk, I felt like I didn’t know what to do, I was obsessing over information, everything hurt, I couldn’t focus on anything else. It was driving me crazy knowing that possibly having to give myself a shot everyday would be less expensive than buying the food and supplements I would need to maintain a healthier lifestyle. I can’t believe how quickly I just flip flopped…why did this happen to me?
I think it was a few things. It was the realization that I now have this “disease” to contend with. So what exactly am I contending with? Ummm probably not much at this point, and if I do what I need to do, what I originally planned to do, I am more than likely will not have to contend with anything more than maintaining the healthy lifestyle that I’ve been working on for the last 3 years.
The other things was the reactions I received, starting with my doctor, whom I adore, he was so upset! How are you supposed to feel about something when your doctor sounds devastated over the news? I also realized how loved and cared for I am by many other, just by their reactions. Everyone was so concerned, upset, and some seemed devastated as well.
It was the reaction of my doctor and others that made me feel like there was so much more wrong with me than there actually is. I know this disease is unpredictable and I don’t know how things could end up years from now, but I need to be optimistic. I realized I need encouragement. One of the unfortunate things about me is that I seem to absorb and believe the negative aspects of life more than the positive. Given too much sympathy I almost become emotionally crippled. I think about it all the time, can’t research enough about it, then I meltdown and tend to be drawn to those who are so busy with their own life and don’t have the time to yank me away from my own little pity party; then of course when this happens I step it up a notch and feel alone and convince myself that I don’t have anyone there for me.
Today I feel better, I feel okay with what I have and how I have the ability and knowledge to deal with it. Maybe I’m lacking some emotional strength, but that’s at least something I can learn to control. Right now I need to gain some of that emotional strength, and re-focus on myself. I realized this as well today when someone ever so kindly insinuated I was gaining weight and when I told him I got back on track this week he looked at me as if I was lying…isn’t that sweet. So there will be no more overthinking this MS nonsense; I will do whatever needs to be done and spend whatever money needs to be spent to defeat this without putting any kind of poison into my body for as long as I possibly can. I even have my own little “dream team” to help me get through this. Everyone should be as blessed as I am when it comes to the 3 professionals I have working with me.
Our conversation pretty much ended with me saying that I really thought I was a positive person. Brent said to me, “you are positive, about everyone but yourself.” This may not sound like much to anyone else, but it was definitely an “Ah-HA” moment for me; it put some things into perspective and slapped me out of that funk that I bring myself into every so often. I am so grateful for that short conversation.
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