“It is through being wounded that power grows and can, in the end, become tremendous”

Did anyone catch on to what happened yesterday?  As you were reading my blog post about my half marathon, did you realize what I realized when I read it over today?  I’m done…it’s over.  My “weight loss” journey has come to an end.  I am no longer a “wide load narrowing” and there is no reason to “approach with caution”.  Crossing the finish line yesterday was not only about finishing 13.1 miles, it was about completing a journey.  That finish line ended a chapter in my life. 

How do I know?

·         “Wide Load Narrowing”...this was based on the obvious; I was morbidly obese for most of my life; I am NO LONGER MORBIDLY OBESE.          

·         “Approach With Caution”…When I started this journey I was so “broken” and as I continued to lose weight more was revealed which caused my emotional state to spiral out of control.  My outlet during these revelations was amazing; like no other I ever experienced.  I had someone who cared to listen, I was encouraged to talk things out which forced me to deal with things as they unfolded; this started the healing process. 

Today, I am no longer broken, I’m healing.  Approach me…let me give back to you, or anyone else, what was given to me, what I was blessed with; a strong support system, true friendship, love, kindness, someone to listen, someone to guide me, someone to be so honest with me that it hurt.

Although I thanked many often, I thanked them whole heartedly in yesterday’s blog post.  It sounds as if I am saying goodbye…but not goodbye to them, goodbye to this.

·         Meeting Melissa and not talking about my journey yesterday spoke loudest to me.  I ALWAYS bring up in some way, shape, or form my weight loss…I can’t remember a time that I didn't.  Yesterday I was silenced for some reason that was beyond my understanding. Something compelled me to listen, not speak, as others did for me during my journey.

What does this mean?  Am I never going to “diet” again?  Yes, that’s what it means; I am never going to diet again!  My life has changed, my reasons are different, and a lifestyle of clean eating and intense exercise MUST complete its evolution.  It is now my main focus, it can’t linger any longer simply because of this MS diagnosis.

I still want to inspire others.  More than anything I want to help them with their own journey not just talk about my own and inspire them with my accomplishments.  I need to focus on this, I’m not sure where to go with this or how to do it but I feel compelled to do it. 

I experienced what it was like last year for a while.  It was amazing, it made me happy, I felt complete, in a professional sense, for the first time ever and when it was gone I missed it, I still do.  I feel sad not having this opportunity any longer.

I realized during that time that I am a “doer” and I can do good things for others when I believe in a person and their philosophies.  It’s time for me to throw myself out there again and see if there are others out there like this and if there is a need for me.  I’ll be praying hard for guidance, opportunity, and acceptance.  Not only will this give me the opportunity to help others it will help me; this will keep me on track and accountable.  I’m very grateful for being introduced and given the opportunity to dabble in the professional side of the fitness world for a short while; it’s time to make some connections to get involved again.  I want the fitness journey to be about someone else, not about me. 

There’s a part of me that’s sad to end this blog, I can cry knowing these are the final word I will type, but I am more excited.  This just didn’t end, I finished it.  It wasn’t ripped out from under me, I am closing it.  I’m ready to move on and take everything I learned with me.

"In running, it doesn't matter whether you come in first, in the middle of the pack, or last. You can say, 'I have finished.' There is a lot of satisfaction in that."

Today was the day; HALF MARATHON day.  The day I dreamed about up until 8 weeks ago.  Amazing how this turned out to be so different than what I hoped it could be; from who I hoped would be there next to me, down to walking it instead of running it.  Was I disappointed? Not at all!  God has blessed me with another wonderful person.  He sent me there with the people he knew I could support and inspire and who could support and inspire me.  Right from the phone calls, to the texts, to people asking TJ about me, these were the people, for whatever reason, God wanted to play a part, whether small or large, on this day.

We headed out to Savannah Friday mid-afternoon.  First stop was at the hotel to pick up one of the girls then went right to the expo to pick up our race packets.  We spent just a little bit of walking through the expo.  It was great, a bit crowded but exciting.  I wish we could have spent more time there.

Straight from the Expo we headed to Downtown Savannah to The Olde Pink House for a wonderful dinner.  We had lots of fun.  One of the ladies, Sara, brought her husband along.  There he sat, surrounded by lots of women; we were joking that it was like the shows “Sister Wives” and “Big Love”.

Right after dinner we went back to the hotel, unpacked, and relaxed.  I shared a room with Valerie.  We foam rolled and lacrosse balled anything and everything.  By the time we were done we were almost lethargic haha.  We slept pretty well after that.

We were up bright and early; 4:50 AM to be exact. I showered, packed back up, loaded up the car and grabbed some breakfast.  We had to go to another hotel to catch the shuttles to the race.  As soon as we got to the race area we hit the port-a-potties, checked in our gear and headed into our corral.  Shelly and Traci headed into Traci’s corral so they could start together and finish within a decent amount of time together so they could catch up after they crossed the finish line.  This was the first half marathon they’ve done and man did they rock it.  Shelly finished in just over 2 hours and Traci in just over 2 hours and 20 minutes.  I’m so proud and excited for them.  Sara and her husband Neil, both seasoned runners headed to their assigned corrals as well.  I was in corral 23, I’m pretty sure it was the 2^nd to last corral.  The rest of the group, Nicole, Valerie, Leigh, and Kelly stayed with me in my corral…how amazing is that? 

While we were waiting for the race to start we met Melissa.  Melissa was there by herself.  This was her 10^th half marathon…my thought was, “she’s nuts”.  She was unable to run because she was still recovering from surgery.  Since she was there alone and was walking and since I was there and was about to be alone once the girls started running, we decided to hoof it together.  She literally took me under her wing.

What a great experience this turned into for me.  I was scared!  I had no idea what to expect. She was fun, kept me moving and motivated the entire time…and boy did we laugh!  Beginning of mile 5 everything started to tighten up on me.  I felt lots of pulling in my back, my leg was becoming more numb, and I started to panic thinking I wouldn’t be able to finish.

Soon enough, I realized that the pain would only last about 5 minutes or so then move to another area.  Although it was extremely uncomfortable, it was relieving not to have a nagging pain in the same spot for long.  I held onto that thought every time a new pain popped up.  There were plenty of distractions from the pain as well.  People watching for one…oh my goodness!  The things we saw.  There was a young girl maybe 18ish walking, decked out in purple and gold with a scarf, bows, and lots of other tacky things.  Not only did she look tacky, she does not have very good friends.  None of them were good enough to let her know how terrible she looked in her get up. At the very least, they should have suggested she look in a mirror.  Am I being ugly, well yes, BUT trust me, you all would have thought the same thing.  We were also walking alongside a gentleman who was walking a bit ahead of his wife.  All of a sudden he turns around and says to her “are you coming Seabiscuit?”  Melissa and I were like, “huh, did he really call her Seabiscuit?”  We lost it, we could not contain ourselves.  Why would this guy nick name his wife after a darn horse?

Aside from the crazy stuff, there was much more to see that was inspiring.  Many opportunities to cry; this was an extremely emotional day.  We saw a young man walking the half with 2 prosthetic legs, an older women walking with a “boot”, she maybe had a broken food.  Lots of people walking in honor or in memory of others, lots of great things like that.  I became very emotional when we came to the area where the full marathoners merged with the half marathoners….AMAZING!  To see such athletes accomplish 26.2 miles in under 4 hours blew my mind.  Some were clearly hurting and pushing with all they had left.  Others looked as though they barely broke a sweat.

As we neared the finish line I was really hurting.  The van kept driving by; the van to pick up the quitters that is.  I was told that unless she saw blood or bones I was not getting in that van.  I tried to tell her I was bleeding internally but she didn’t believe me.  Melissa’s motivation soon kicked into high gear.  She would say ever so nonchalantly, “hey Maria, see that couple walking and holding hands? We can’t let them beat us.”  So we would pick up the pace.  “Hey Maria, we can’t let that girl up there with the green backpack beat us.”  “No we can’t Melissa, especially since it doesn’t match what she’s wearing.” And we passed her.  Before I knew it we were ready to hit mile 13…I was sucking in those tears.

All the sucking in, in the world would hold in tears when I saw Shelly, Valerie, Traci, Nicole, Leigh, and Kelly standing near the mile 13 sign.  I became so chocked up.  Then the girls were walking along side of us, on the opposite side of the fence, to the finish line.

Melissa looked at me and said, “C’mon, do you think you could run it?” and I said, “No, I’ll fall on my butt.”  With that she grabbed my hand and we started to run.  We held hands, running together, crossing the finish line with that wonderful, crazy group of ladies right outside the fence along side of us.  Oh my goodness the tears, I was so overwhelmed.  I became even more overwhelmed when we went to get our medals.  Melissa was handed hers, and as mine was being handed to me she told the lady, “no”, took it from her then placed it around my neck.  What do you do, what do you say?  You don’t, you hug and you cry. 

She was undoubtedly placed into corral 23 for me.  As I told her she mentally dragged me through the race haha.  Would I have finished if I did this by myself?  Possibly. Would I have finished if someone else was with me?  No doubt.  But would it have had the same meaning?  HELL NO.  This was yet another great moment in my life.

Melissa shared so much with me during our time together.  We have been on the same journey for different reasons.  We experienced similar issues and challenges.  For the first time EVER I completely listened to someone without comparing their journey to mine. I listened to her in astonishment as she talked about how much she lost, how great her trainer is (I was shocked to learn there was another great trainer in existence besides mine), the challenges she was facing.  It was like I was put there to listen while she was there to push me along.  Not only did she push me along during the run, she re-inspired me all together.  Here’s this person who has lost 100lbs and is doing her 10^th Half Marathon.  Not only is she inspiring, she’s crazy haha.  Thank you, thank you, thank you Melissa for being there for me!!!  You are the reason I finished!

Well, whenever I have these moments I get emotional, and whenever I get emotional I need to express what I feel for others…so bear with me…again…as I do this J  There are so many people to thank:

My husband, TJ, first and foremost, for his support and understanding.  Our lives are so different since we married 13 years ago with so many changes taking place in the last 3 years and with a very unpredictable future ahead of us.  Thank you for sacrificing so much for me and for staying by my side. 

My 3 sweet boys, oh the many compliments and comments that made me smile or brought tears of joy to my eyes.  This journey was for each of you.  You were my reasons and motivation.  I wanted to be able to run with you, play with you, and protect you. Now things have shifted and I need to stay strong, committed, and consistent so I can continue to do these things.  My biggest fear is not that of leaving this earth, it’s not being able to live life to its fullest with all of you.  My goals have changed; weight loss is no longer the primary goal.  It’s walking, it’s dancing with you at your wedding (I already have a song picked out for each of you).  My biggest battle is not knowing what to do, I’ve been taught well.  It’s battling the demons that I continue to allow to bring this journey to a halt.  After today, after seeing how God worked this out, after praying for the pain to ease, after crossing that finish line, I know I can defeat those demons once and for all…for the 3 of you.

Shelly, Valerie, Traci, Nicole, Leigh, Kelly, Sara and Neil, thank you for sharing this special day.  What a great time!  There were lots of tears, laughter, and wives for you Neil. God has blessed me with the most amazing people since day 1 of this fitness journey; whether it is Q Boot Campers, my favorite group of Boot Camp ladies, the Bunco girls (which is where it all started) and everyone else who I worked out with, shared experiences with, etc.  I can’t recall one person in the last 3 years who has had a negative effect on me and my journey.  I’m stronger than I ever imagined I could be.  So many people to thank all over; it’s impossible to thank everyone who has touched my life and supported this journey.

Brent, I know that when people thank others over and over again it loses meaning and you become tired of it. I honestly don’t think you or anyone else understands how I feel. Not sure if I ever told you this, but I was beyond confused during that first session of boot camp; I couldn’t understand why I was so drawn to you.  When you told me that you believed God placed us in each other’s lives for a reason it all made sense to me, everything fell into place.  I know a “symbiotic” relationship is no longer something we share and no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to repay you or express my gratitude for all you’ve done; you have saved my life and guided me to become a stronger person spiritually and emotionally. I heard you say to one of the ladies this past Monday night that you believe in me more than I believe in myself; that meant so much to me yet made me realize so much more and I’m excited to tell you that after today, even though I couldn’t run the half like I wanted to, I believe in myself more than ever…and it feels pretty good J

Thank you God for each and every one of these blessings bestowed upon me.  I am beyond grateful for the strength you’ve given me to finish this run and for the people you’ve placed before me to get through it.

"My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment." Oprah Winfrey

This was meant to be written last night; I wrote a good amount before something threw me.  So, we’ll give it another shot tonight because what was said and what I realized really had an impact on me.

I met Brent outside for our training session Tuesday.  He smiled and looked at me and said, “Are you Grumpy”, and I responded “yes”.  Since he is always seems to be able to detect my mood I figured he realized how I was feeling; I forgot I had on TJ’s shirt from Disney that had “Grumpy” written on the front of it.

In any case, it all worked out because I really needed to talk and he has the ability to help me sort through my thoughts and bring me to a point so I could figure myself out.  I couldn’t understand why, when I received my diagnosis, that I went from being okay with it to being borderline depressed.  It seems like overnight I went from “I can beat this, I know what I have to do and that was it”.  Now, well before our talk, I felt like I didn’t know what to do, I was obsessing over information, everything hurt, I couldn’t focus on anything else.  It was driving me crazy knowing that possibly having to give myself a shot everyday would be less expensive than buying the food and supplements I would need to maintain a healthier lifestyle.  I can’t believe how quickly I just flip flopped…why did this happen to me?

I think it was a few things.  It was the realization that I now have this “disease” to contend with.  So what exactly am I contending with?  Ummm probably not much at this point, and if I do what I need to do, what I originally planned to do, I am more than likely will not have to contend with anything more than maintaining the healthy lifestyle that I’ve been working on for the last 3 years.

The other things was the reactions I received, starting with my doctor, whom I adore, he was so upset!  How are you supposed to feel about something when your doctor sounds devastated over the news?  I also realized how loved and cared for I am by many other, just by their reactions.  Everyone was so concerned, upset, and some seemed devastated as well. 

It was the reaction of my doctor and others that made me feel like there was so much more wrong with me than there actually is.  I know this disease is unpredictable and I don’t know how things could end up years from now, but I need to be optimistic.  I realized I need encouragement.  One of the unfortunate things about me is that I seem to absorb and believe the negative aspects of life more than the positive.  Given too much sympathy I almost become emotionally crippled.  I think about it all the time, can’t research enough about it, then I meltdown and tend to be drawn to those who are so busy with their own life and don’t have the time to yank me away from my own little pity party; then of course when this happens I step it up a notch and feel alone and convince myself that I don’t have anyone there for me.

Today I feel better, I feel okay with what I have and how I have the ability and knowledge to deal with it.  Maybe I’m lacking some emotional strength, but that’s at least something I can learn to control.  Right now I need to gain some of that emotional strength, and re-focus on myself. I realized this as well today when someone ever so kindly insinuated I was gaining weight and when I told him I got back on track this week he looked at me as if I was lying…isn’t that sweet.  So there will be no more overthinking this MS nonsense; I will do whatever needs to be done and spend whatever money needs to be spent to defeat this without putting any kind of poison into my body for as long as I possibly can.  I even have my own little “dream team” to help me get through this.  Everyone should be as blessed as I am when it comes to the 3 professionals I have working with me.

Our conversation pretty much ended with me saying that I really thought I was a positive person.  Brent said to me, “you are positive, about everyone but yourself.”  This may not sound like much to anyone else, but it was definitely an “Ah-HA” moment for me; it put some things into perspective and slapped me out of that funk that I bring myself into every so often.  I am so grateful for that short conversation.