We had lots of fun today! Lots of people dressed in costume today at work, treats were given, and lots of laughs were had by all.  Straight home from work then right out again to go Trick or Treating.  The boys had so much fun.  I love watching them run from house to house, laughing, and usually tripping up the stoop.  I really enjoyed myself tonight; I needed this night.  I was feeling okay tonight, just tired.

I was excited to receive a response to comments I left on a neurologist website today.  I couldn't wait to read it...well, let me tell you I could have waited.  This stuff pretty much went way over my head.  He listed 3 links to previous blog entries...WOW!  If anyone could make any sense of of these, please let me know...I may even pay you to translate.

Jack Says:
October 30th, 2011 at 6:06 pm

1. @Maria Read these:
   1. http://jackkruse.com/why-leaky-guts-lead-to-ms/
   2. http://jackkruse.com/where-autoimmunity-cancer-and-disease-collide/
   3. http://jackkruse.com/the-leaky-gut-prescription/

Not sure what to do with this...headed back into information overload haha.

I was feeling better about things today.  My pain wasn't to bad, the tingling is a bit better, and the numbness still seems to get better with each day.  It seems like I'm getting back in touch witI'm looking forward to going to Savannah this weekend although I am still unsure about participating in the half marathon.  I'm praying that whatever my decision is, it will be the right one and there will be no regrets.

Feeling all cold and tingley inside

I'm so confused about the way I feel lately.  I don't know what's related to the herniated disk, the MS, or what's in my head.  My back still feels sore at times, but for the most part its better.  The chiropractor says I'm doing well and is telling me to do more in my workouts with each visit....okay granted my trainer is beating him to the punch almost every time, but in any case, there's progress, good progress.  So does this mean the numbness and tingling I feel is from the MS or from the disk?

We were at the Coastal Carolina Fair Friday night and I felt like I was getting bitten on the side of my leg over and over.  Not the same spot but the same area. It sort of felt like I was being pricked with a pin. It was really getting to me.  Today the numbness in my right leg is better; it gets a bit better every day but there's tingling in my left leg now to.  Is it bad, not really.  It's managable, but what's it from?

I was convinced that the the MS was just a lucky catch when I was having back issues.  I didn't think I was having any symptoms but now I'm doubting that.  I was talking to someone who personally has experience with MS; she sent me an email yesterday asking how I was doing with the cold.  Am I supposed to be having problems with the cold?  My chiropractor told me my nerves would "act up" from the cold but I thought that was because of the herniated disk; did he mean the MS? 

I almost can't read any more about this; my head is spinning.  I hate to ask too much about it since it seems like every one's experience with it is different and the experts can't be specific.  This is not a good disease to have when your an "I just have to know" type of person.

I couldn't help but cry at church today as I prayed begging God for strength and understanding so I could figure out how to mentally, emotionally, and physically get a grip on this diagnosis.

I was talking to a friend at work last week; she said, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this now, it seems like so much has been going on in your life lately".  I couldn't help but laugh as I responded, "Hopefully God knows that Blogger and Facebook will only take so many characters when blogging or posting and this will be it." 

Something clicked today, not sure what it was or when it was but it happened.  I started to feel better about things, less angry, and more optimistic.  I still have to finalize my decision on treatment.  I know what I need to do and what I want to do, there's only onw thing holding me back.

Today was the first day that I felt better about my workout.  That really helped me, that may have been what caused the click...I'm really looking forward to tomorrow's workout!  I just need to keep moving forward and making progress.

Looks like there are lots of GREAT, fun things developing!  I'm excited about things at work, with friends, and family.  Love it when things start to happen and fall into place for people I care about.

Been feeling a little anxious about the tingling feelings I have in my feet.when I lay down to sleep at night.  Not sure what its all about, I'm hoping my feet are just happy to have all this weight off of them haha.  I have lots to pray about...even more to be thankful for.

Most of today was spent trying to figure out why I am so frustrated.  I was reminded during my workout today. I'm struggling so much with workouts.  I'm not relaxed, I'm afraid I'm going to hurt my back.  My leg is still numb so I don't feel very stable and I'm afraid I'm going to fall over and, after almost 2 months of nothing but stretching, I am weak. Its so frustrating to see how great I was doing 2 months ago and in just those 2 months I regressed so much.

After today's workout I stretched my right (numb) leg;  the pain was unbearable.    I'm not sure why, but the numbness in my leg intensifies the pain in my extremely tight quads. I was unable to complete the stretch the way I should have...as my son would say "epic fail".  Unfortunately that's just how I felt.  Brent had to leave right after we were done stretching so I just sat there for about 10 minutes trying to collect myself, I had to get over this feeling of anger I've been having.  When I feel this way my initial reaction is to cry...so, when I was done crying I went on with my day.

I can't even think about the half marathon any more.  That whole thing really aggravates me haha.  I just need to decide if I am going to make the attempt to walk it or just sit on my rump and watch it.  Ah, the feeling of disgust; its such a waste of time and energy...now I just need to get over it.

More changes for a person who struggles with change...

Well it’s been a while.  Where did we leave off?  What was I doing last…oh yes, training for a half marathon.  Wow…the half is in less than 2 weeks.  We are heading down to Savannah the Friday before.  I am so looking forward to it.  My training was successful, my weight loss was great, and my workouts were awesome.  Then came the numbness…oh crap, that’s right.  I can’t run the half, I haven’t trained in over a month. Feeling pretty angry about that.

What a HUGE disappointment; I’m still struggling with the fact that the way I pictured this half marathon has completely fallen apart.  Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment.  I was still hoping I would be able run, at least part of the way but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.

What in the world happened?  Well it started one day with numbness in my thigh.  By the next day my entire leg was numb.  Headed to the urgent care center where they told me a disk was compressed.  So I started to see the chiropractor; in less than a week my left foot began to go numb so my chiropractor and I agreed we needed to see my neurologist.  I was able to get an appointment within a day.  He wanted to send me for an MRI on my back and brain.  Within a week I had my MRI and the results confirmed I had a herniated disk.  The MRI of the brain also came back with something’s that concerned my neurologist so he wanted to send me for a spinal tap. 

Just the sounds of that, “spinal tap” sounds horrible.  Well it really wasn’t too bad during the procedure.  But it really wore me out for about 3 days.  Waiting for the spinal tap results was torture.  I finally found out the results just last Friday.

The doctor concluded, based on the test results and my legs being numb, that I have Multiple Sclerosis.  Seriously, MS? "What a freak’n bummer. Now its decision making time.; how do we treat this?  My doctor gave me a list of 4 injectables to research.  I also asked if he had any patients who he treated with diet, which he did.  He said he would support me with whatever decision I made and he would send me for another MRI in 6 months to see if the MS progressed in any way.

For the first few days my attitude was great.  I thought, it is what it is, I’ll treat it with diet; I really thought I was okay with it.  But for some reason over the last few days I’m not okay with it.  I'm pretty pissed off.  I don’t understand why this had to happen, especially when I was doing so darn well with my fitness progress.

Right now, even though I know I don’t want to take the shots, I am torn.  I know I don’t want to give myself a shot each day, I hear that some people break out in a rash every time they inject themselves.  I certainly don’t want to deal with any side effects.  What’s the problem? Money for one; it would be easier for me to pay my $35 copay for the shots then lay out an extra $200 on perfectly clean food and I flat out just don’t want to deal with this!

I’m so confused; I have so much to think about and even more to pray about.  I wasn’t ready for this, I wasn’t even expecting this.  It came right out of left field...and now I have to change my life all over again...the good thing is, I know I’m capable of making the changes needed to beat this non-sense.

Dear Blogger,

Oh how I’ve missed thee.  For months now you have been my release.  You’ve been there for me when I felt as though no one else was; never have you given me the feeling that I needed to turn to anyone else.  I hated being away from you for so long.  Life has a way of throwing curve balls and whenever I share those “curve balls” with you I am forced to face reality and deal with the issues. I needed to be back in the state of denial for a short time but now that I am out of that state, I am turning back to you.

We are officially starting a new chapter in my life; I’m unsure of where this will go and how it will end; there is still so much to learn.  New characters will be introduced in this next chapter while other may or may not return.  It will be interesting, challenging, totally unpredictable, and intense.

It is going to be frightening; I’m scared.  I have no idea what to do, what to expect and who will be there.  We are headed for another life altering challenge…

Praying for strength, hope, understanding, and patience for myself and those around me.

Maria