I am trying to figure out why I have so much trouble doing my box jumps.  When I step in front of a box my mind starts racing, I tell myself to start jumping on 3 but then by body defies my mind and just stands there.

I know I have a fear of tripping over the box, it’s never happened but that’s my fear, and what I’m trying to figure out.  What’s the worst thing that could happen if I tripped? I’m sure I’ll bleed, be somewhat humiliated, that would be it.  It’s like I’ll be condemned to hell if I trip.

At that moment, I totally forgot about the book I am currently reading teaches to change your thought process.  I’ve been working hard at focusing on my thoughts and “correcting” them.  I wish I wasn’t so caught up in my negative thoughts so I could have done better.  What running used to be is now what box jump has become.  I defeated running, now I have to do the same with box jumps.

 I was doing real well with my workouts for a while, but so far this week I’m feeling like they have just been okay.  I need for them to be better them okay.

Speaking of running, one of the ladies from the Monday night group commented on yesterday’s blog that my running was great...WOW!  I knew it improved, but I never thought it would be considered great.  I was so excited to read that…it made my day.  I meant to ask my trainer what he thought about my running last night…I’ll try to remember to ask him tomorrow.

My anxiety has been acting up again; we have an appointment Thursday, this is the 2^nd to last “step” of what we are dealing with.  I’m ready to move forward now!  But we definitely will be moving forward by the end of October.

Other than that I been feeling okay, positive, and optimistic.  I’ve been extremely tired lately, and that may be what’s affecting my workouts. I am reading before I blog, last night I fell asleep blogging twice before I decided it was time to finish up and go to sleep…sort of like what’s happening now haha.

Had a pretty interesting day at work today.  I was very excited to hear that our boot camp program received major props at the Executive Management Team meeting today.  They are very excited about the results they are seeing.  They want to get more people involved!  How great is that!  Although we work on recruitment whenever a session ends, I think it may be time to come up with a different strategy once we determine why some don’t participate.  It’s such a great feeling to know how good upper management and other at work feel about this program.  This has certainly been a trial by error program.  I’ve learned a lot, mostly the hard way, but it has all been well worth it and extremely rewarding.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I enjoy working with people who are about to start or are in the process of establishing a healthy life style.  I love talking to people about it, giving them some guidance, giving them resources or even referring them to someone who can help them.  I’ve been trying to figure out if there’s anything more I can do with that.  I think it might be time to look further into it and start looking and inquiring on some things…you just never know what’s out there until you try,

I went back to the Monday Boot Camp group tonight.  While I was driving there my anxiety kicked into high gear.  I was talking to myself the whole way asking why the hell this is giving me anxiety.  But once I got there I was better.  It felt good to be back although I felt like I was struggling a bit.  The workout was great though.  We ended it with mountain climbers and a run.  Man did my mountain climbers suck, and they were slow, but I Think my running may have been J

Guess what popped in for a visit today?  Mr. Anxiety…damn it!  Lucky for him it was only for a short stay.  It’s been nice that the anxiety hasn’t been around, was disappointed it happened today but I am more grateful that it’s been gone for the most part.

I think it kicked in during the service at church when they were encouraging us to attend the service the weekend of 9/11.  Just hearing that date makes me anxious.  It’s something I will definitely attend, but I’m not sure what to expect.  Knowing people who died that day makes it so much harder.  It’s so sad and I’m having trouble grasping that it’s been 10 years since it happened, it seems like it was yesterday.

Another great message at church today.  Our entire family went.  While Joe and Nick headed to the service for their age group, TJ, Justin, and I went to the regular service.  Justin has been struggling since we changed campuses. He doesn’t like the way they do things for his age group.  He loved it at the other campus, but it’s so far compared to our local campus.  So every Sunday is a struggle getting him to go, but he goes, he cries a little bit, but by the time the service is complete he is happy.  I always remind him that he was sad before we came, but he’s smiling now and that means spending time worshipping God really makes him happy.  I’m not sure if he’s buying it, but it’s the truth J

Joe decided he wants to audition for the Worship Team.  We asked him what he was going to play; he told us the microphone.  So…we will of course support him and call to get more information.  Singing isn’t really one of his stronger qualities, but with some practice he can definitely get to where he needs to be.

My sweet Nicholas is turning into a mouthy little tween who pay end up with a hand print on his cute little face.  What the hell happens to kids when they go through puberty…YIKES!  He’s lucky I’m a push over or else he would be in some serious trouble J

Looking forward to getting my new running routine underway this week and going to attempt trying out an exercise class with a new instructor at work…We’ll see how that goes.  Also wanting to spend some time with my rowing machine…I love that thing but I really don’t have time for it.  If I could get on there twice a week I’ll be happy.  I’m so excited that the weight is coming off again!  Need to keep pushing forward…I know a plateau is on the horizon.

Today was an odd day for me.  I slept about 11 hours last night; I was so excited until I realized I felt pretty bad.  Still feeling out of sorts at the end of the day.Tj worked on the floor in the family room…he did a great job; first time using tile and spacers and it came out great!  He barely had any waste.  We are hoping to grout tomorrow then touch up the molding and put it back up.  Next thing to do is hunt around for furniture…hunting being, if anyone has anything they don’t need we would love to see it.  We cannot put any money into furniture for a spare room at this time.

Justin went for an eye exam yesterday and he is very nearsighted.  He can’t see more than 3’ in front of him.  Broke my heart.  He was so upset that he has to get glasses; I wasn’t sure how to console him.  He looks so darn cute in them.  He said he doesn’t want to look like a nerd. L  He has so many self-confidence issues I’m so afraid this will only make it worse.  I’m not sure how he might react when he finds out he made need braces for his ankles. Anything like this is so hard to deal with.  Although I didn’t need glasses or braces when I was his age, I dealt with self-confidence issues because of my weight.  On top of his weight issues, he has these other things to contend with. 

My running….I feel like I haven’t been doing it!  I was going to run tonight but wasn’t feeling well so no matter what, tomorrow morning it will be.  I spoke to my trainer, Brent, about my running and we decided that I needed to find time during the week to do a run.  I’ve been doing it all on the weekends, sometimes within 12-24 hours of another run.  He explained that the run are designed to do days apart not hours.  The exciting thing about this was that doing this so close together may have been the cause of my leg/knee pain.  So, I’m thinking about doing Saturday or Sunday then Tuesday or Thursday evening. 

I’m getting a bit nervous about the half marathon.  I made a deal with a friend to do this event.  If she did the full I would do the half marathon.  She’s been struggling with injuries so I’m not so sure she can do it.  Crazy how you imagine how you want something go and way before the event everything sort of doesn’t go that way and you begin to stress out.  I need to keep in mind that this has nothing to do with anyone but me. 

The great thing about doing the half is that I set a goal for myself to lose 20lbs by the time it rolled around.  I had a 20 week running plan and am just half way through and have already lost 23 lbs.!  How great is that?  For someone who always “hated” to run I am certainly grateful for it now.  I’m not saying I’ve fallen head over heels in love with it but it had made a tremendous difference in this part of my fitness journey.

Running is something different for me; committing to a half marathon is some serious stuff and takes lots of preparation for someone like me.  The first thing Brent had to teach was actually how to run.  When he showed me the first video he took of me running I could help but laugh.  All’s the video needed was Super Mario music playing in the background. As I lost the weight, I felt the difference in my running so that kept me determined.  Then Brent rolled out a nutrition program August 1^st that has kept me on track and extremely accountable.  Lots of little things have played a role in preparation for this event.  So, now that I already reached my weight loss goal of 20 lbs., I set another for an additional 10; so far I lost 3 of that and I am hoping I will have to set a goal in addition to that J

I’m anxious to see how things unfold the next couple of months; even with the few hiccups I’ve experienced with this whole thing, I would say it’s going pretty well so far...but I’m still praying everything else sticks to my imaginary plan.

A Double Whammy of Joy All in One Day!

Lots of great things happened within the first few hours of the day!  Gotta love when that happens!

Let’s start with me than we will go on to what was even more exciting for me.  I am FINALLY under 200lbs!  Barely under, but under.  I weighed in at 199.6 today.  It was so nice to see a 1 instead of a 2 at the beginning of my number.

The best part is that I wasn’t having any anxiety over it, nothing changed in my life when it happened; life is good…and I’m out of the 200’s…FOREVER!

Then… 

I saw the lady who came in 2^nd place in our competition at work.  With her big giant smile and her cute Spanish accent, she said “I don’t even know what I won” I laughed and told her about the discount she gets on her health coverage.  Again she smiled big and said, “Oh that’s good, I like that but I like that I feel good about myself better”.  All’s I could think to myself was, she got it...YAY! It makes a huge difference in our fitness journey to have the right goals and the right reasons to lose weight and/or learn to live a healthy lifestyle.

Every person I know, including me, who has tried to lose weight or become “fit” for superficial reasons, was unsuccessful.  Yup, we may have lost weight or started a workout regimen; but, I guarantee you, the weight came back and the workouts fizzled out.  Same goes for anyone who tries these fad diets…ain’t gonna work, and if it does, it won’t be for long.

I love this stuff…I can’t tell you how it makes me feel to deal with people who are making healthy lifestyle changes. I’ve never had such a great feeling of fulfillment as I do when talking with people about their successes, obstacles, etc.  Even a while back, when my trainer was doing seminars and I helped out a little bit, it was great! I really wonder at times if I’m in the wrong line of work.  The great thing is I maintain the wellness program at work J  so I can’t wait to plan and roll out what we may be doing next!

And The Winner Is...

Today was such an amazing day!  We announced the winners of our fitness challenge at work....the looks on their faces are indescribable.  They were beaming!  And not because they now get a discount on their health insurance but because they feel awesome about themselves...oh and they both look pretty damn good to!.  These ladies, along with many others in our group have busted their butts to get where they are today. I'm so proud of all of our employees who work hard at bettering themselves.  We have such an amazing group!

I'm still so excited about them that I'm not even going to get caught up in myself right now haha...Good Night and stay safe; if you are in Irene's path, get out!  Praying for every ones safety!

"When the battle seems endless and you think you'll never make it, remember that you are reprogramming a very carnal, fleshy, worldly mind to think as God thinks."

A friend of mine let me borrow a book to read and I finally started it tonight.  I read through 6 chapters and could relate to everything in it.  It’s been quite an eye open so far.  A lot of it talks about negative thoughts and how Satan wanting this to happen and how we allow him to do this to us.  Now, whenever I hear that name, Satan, I cringe.  Whenever that little devil was discussed at Bible Study I practically shutdown.  It’s so frightening to me.  It wasn’t that way tonight for some reason.  I read through it and so much made sense; many things fell into place. 

My thinking is negative.  Not all the time, but when it comes to certain things I allow the negative thoughts to take over.  It usually happens when I am afraid to fail at things that are so important to me. Fail on my diet; fail at working out, and failing friendships.

For instance, when it comes to my diet, I always knew that at some point I would screw things up by binging or just flat out cheating.  I literally would wait for it to happen, and of course it eventually did happen…although it hasn’t happened in the last 10 weeks J I’m so proud of that!

Another time I see it, and so does my trainer, Brent, is during my workouts.  Let’s take running for instance...  As soon as I heard that 3 letter word I just gave up, I start thinking I just can’t do it.  I failed before he even told us where to run to.  He could always see it on my face while he was explaining the workout.  He’s told me that I look defeated before the start of the workout.

The other area in my life that I see it in, and this really slapped me in the face tonight, is in my relationships with friends.  I cannot believe what I am in the process of doing.  I am a mess and although I’m upset from the realization, I am also relieved by it.  I have a bad habit of assuming negative things and internalizing as if everything in everyone’s life has to do with me…HA!  Far from it.  Meaning, if a friend is quiet or having an off day, or if they are moody, whatever the case may be.  I automatically think it has to do with me.  I will interrogate myself trying to figure out what it was that I did. I then defend myself and try to justify my feelings.  Then before I know it, I am feeling negative, paranoid, and whatever else about this person who has done nothing but be a friend…it’s crazy…I hate it.  I never associated that as something that Satan was behind…but it makes sense.

I’ve allowed him to destroy relationships that I felt safe and secure in.  Apparently that Satan guy feeds off my insecurities, which clearly is my biggest weakness.  I allow them to control my life; so does that mean I’m allowing Satan to control part of my life?  Yikes!!  I don’t know, but I need to change that ASAP!  I’m not being fair to myself and I'm not being fair to the people I'm thinking negative of.

Don’t get me wrong, the negative thoughts are not mean thoughts about the person.  I surround myself with good people.  I don’t have anyone in my life right now whose morals or ethics I question.  It’s me sort of preparing myself for the worst because I assume good relationships end, and it is my way of thinking that leads to it.

What makes all this worse is that I am so afraid to discuss what I am feeling directly with the person I am feeling this about (does that make sense?)  I’m afraid that if I express how I feel they will become defensive and walk away from me and that will be the end of our friendship.  UGH…this makes me want to scream!! I can now understand so much of what I’ve been told in the past from friends who weren’t afraid to talk to or confront me on things.  I am realizing, as I type, that when I really want to discuss something with someone or tell them how I feel or let them know that I wasn’t happy about something that happened, I completely SHUTDOWN!!!  I can’t do this anymore, it has to stop…I am exhausted from just realizing this…now I understand why I cause people to grow tired at times of me. 

Still so much work to be done on me...but I know progress is being made.  Time to change the way I think when it comes to things that are important to me.