5K...Check! Finished 32nd....Out of 32 Runners...But I finished!

Yesterday…what a day!  It was 5K Day.  I woke up excited and feeling pretty good even though I didn’t sleep well.  I ate a great breakfast and packed lots of protein and healthy carbs to eat throughout the day.  I was excused from by regular workout so I wouldn’t be worn out for the run…AND My wonderful and most supportive husband surprised me by leaving a gallon of water and other things to keep me hydrated during my run.  I was ready!

I was a bit nervous throughout the day but was distracted from that nervousness for a good while by staying focused on work and hearing about the possibility of a great opportunity for a friend.

I was meeting the girls I was running with at 530 so we could drive over to the Citadel together and get our race packets.  I was about 25 minutes early and anxious for everyone to get there.  Once everyone arrived we hopped into Kristine’s car and headed over. 

It was about 45 minutes before the run started and we were the only ones there…weird.  Where are the hundreds of people I expected to get lost in?  A few more people trickled in.  Total number of runners…32…CRAP!  I was hoping there would at least be someone close to my size there but no, not this time.

There was a big storm brewing so the plan was to beat the rain or at the very least avoid getting zapped on the butt by lightning.  I had a bad feeling that wasn’t going to happen and actually thought about calling it quits but didn’t.  The thunder started booming and I could see lightning flashes in the sky.  The down pour started just past the halfway point.  Have you ever tried to run in a thunderstorm?  It’s not easy.

There were 2 young girls ahead of me by about a minute.  Every time I ran a bit faster to get out of the rain they would start to run as if I was trying to beat them…I wasn’t trying to finish before them, I just didn’t want to die.

While I was running I saw 2 people running towards me, it took me a bit to realize it was Shelly and Mike coming back to run with me (sniff, sniff).  How great are they?  They finished their run and came back in a lightning and thunderstorm to finish with me.  Then as we are running I look down the other street and see another person running towards us.  I didn’t realize, until she caught up to us, that it was Teresa coming back to run with me.  Here is a lady who made great time running her first 5K in 10 years, was there with her husband and adorable little boy (who were the best cheerleaders for all of us), and she left them to came back to finish with me.  How blessed am I to have such amazing people in my life?

I crossed the finished line and the clock said 40:19.  My last 5K was just under 45 minutes.  I was excited but that excitement was short lived.  We looked at the race results and my time was 45:53.61.  I was pretty bummed about my time; I was hoping it would be less than the last 5K…but I was more prepared for the last run and I was not running through a thunder and lightning storm. 

I needed to get rid of that feeling quick.  It was making me doubt myself about the half marathon.  It’s just a time…it was just a minute difference so what’s the big deal?

The big deal is, is that by the end of the day I added a minute to my time, I was reminded of what an amazing, supportive husband and family I have, I have a GREAT group of co-boot campers who truly care about me and who I just adore, I even received a text just before the race from a wonderful lady to let me know she would be praying for me as I run. 

So, I ask again, what’s the big deal?  The big deal is that I realized that I need to work harder than ever to accomplish my goal and, more importantly, the biggest deal of all, is that I know I am loved and cared for by some awesome people.

Congrats Kristine, Shelly and Teresa.  Shelly and Teresa your time was GREAT!  Kristine, great job on your first 5K! You all did awesome and you still look good in the pictures all wet and soggy.  Your inspiration and encouragement means so much to me. 

I Can Do This...

Thinking, thinking, thinking…never a good thing for me to over think things.  My own mind is my worst enemy.  Feeling like I’m hitting a few roadblocks this week and its only Wednesday.  I’m beginning to feel a bit discouraged.  Maybe it’s the heat; definitely has t d with not enough water and food.  I need to be ready for tomorrow.  I have to run a 5K, I’m excited about it but I am already questioning and doubting myself.  I have to stop this NOW!  CRAP!  I wish I knew why I did this to myself…UGH!!!

So for tonight I will ice my foot and work on my shoulder and hips and review some videos on running technique. Tomorrow my plan is to eat lots of protein, good carbs and drink a gallon of water by 4:00.  Then I WILL run this 5k as best I can, I will push myself, and do all I can not to walk.  I know I will finish….there’s no doubt about that.  I just don’t want to walk it. I would love to beat my time from my last 5K but I will not get discouraged if I don't.

Praying for strength, patience, and peace of mind.

We Have A Plan...

It’s been a few days.  There have been lots going on.  I’ve been tired and not feeling so great.  I know the heat is playing it to that as well as a few other things.  Whatever the factors are, I need to push through, get some good sleep, eat better and workout harder.

I received my running plan for the half marathon.  While Brent was reviewing it I could just feel my facial expression changing.  I wasn’t sure what to expect, it didn’t sound unreasonable, but all of a sudden the reality of having to do some serious training for this hit me like a ton of bricks.

Each week, for the next 20 weeks, I have to do 2 runs in addition to my regular workouts…sounds easy enough.  One of the runs for this week is a 5K.  How lucky am I that there just so happens to be one Thursday night and a few of my favorite ladies will be running it.  Needless to say I registered for that run this evening.  I’m not sure how I will do since it is at the end of the day and I will have already worked out.  But this will be more of a test of will for me…I will simply have to push myself through the fatigue and heat.  It should be lots of fun though…I’m looking forward to it J

I am beyond exhausted today; I cannot stop yawning.  I had my hair done and fell asleep at one point.  Brent asked how my eating has been and if I’ve been eating enough.  I’m pretty sure not eating enough is my problem right now.  I’m working on staying on track with eat fresh meats and veggies but I’m also watching my portion sizes.  We think I’m watching them too much. 

Here’s the big question of the day for myself “Why am I eating all I can when I am on these crazy binges to fuel my emotions, but when I’m aware of what I’m eating and planning, why am I not eating enough to fuel my body?

My eating went well today, I drank more water but fell shy of a gallon, and I struggled with my workout today.  Hopefully with eating better today and a good night’s sleep my workouts will be up to par tomorrow.  Today I started a food log to review with Brent. I need to be consistent with my eating, that is such a battle for me especially during a stressful time. 

A beach of a work out today!

Beach workout this morning…fun!  Love working out with the ladies and having the opportunity to meet new people…even though I dislike the beach.  The beach and I never really had a good relationship.  For one, I never liked putting on a bathing suit, especially wearing one in public; it was never a pretty sight, it never will be.  I became even more horrified of the beach when we were fishing under the Robert Mosses Bridge in New York one day.  We were with my dad, my brother, his wife at the time, and my nephew.  My sister in law and I were sitting on a blanket and yelled loud and clear, “Whale on the beach!”  My sister in law almost died laughing; of course I laughed, because laughing at me just seemed like the thing to do, even though the feeling I had was nothing but humiliation.  It was always so hard for me to put on a bathing suit, even shorts, because of the fear of what people would think…that episode just made things worse.

Going to the beach to workout is tough for me.  I told the ladies after the workout that I have to make a commitment to drive or go with someone or else I would not go.  People on the beach still had things to say to me both this week and last time we worked out.    During the first workout, while running, a group of ladies kept cheering me on.  They were all obese so I know they their comments were sincere.  They were routing for me!  Cheering me on and telling me I can do it.  They made me feel great!  They encouraged me to move, so did the others I was working out with.  I did well that day J  Today while running there were cheers to.  I passed a lady who was walking down the beach, she said, “I know you can do this, just keep going.”  When I passed her again on the way back she laughed and said, “You may want to slow down, they’re doing lots of squats up there.” Haha…it was pretty funny. 

I was pretty disappointed with my workout today.  We were in teams of 6; we had to run then, as a team, do 600 squats, run again then do 400 burpees.  Because my running was so slow I wasn’t able to do my fair share of reps.  The others on the team carried the burden.  Then for the final run we had to run with a 45 lb. sandbag.  Everyone took turns with it except for me.  Some of you may not understand why that’s disappointing…who the heck wants to run with a 45 lb. sandbag?  But when you’re on a team and not doing your part it’s very discouraging.

There were a couple of bright spots for me…the 2 gentlemen who were working out with us had to pick their team mates.  When that happens I instantly think, “Well crap, I’m going to be that last pick.”  But not today!!  I was shocked and smiling big on the inside J  thanks to Willie!  The other thing that made me feel better about today’s workout was that even though I have this aggravating pain in my foot, I pushed through it; I didn’t let it stop me.  It did slow me down a bit but I tried to keep focused on my running form and not the foot pain.  So beach workouts are touch in a few different ways for me but there is always some sense of accomplishment afterwards.

Have I mentioned lately how GREAT Tj is still doing with his eating? He is determined and I love it…I love him!  I’m so proud of you Tj!  Keep it up Tj!

If it feels good do it, if it hurts, do it again and again and again…

Sitting here after a long busy day with ice on top of my foot and a pain in my butt…literally a pain in my butt.  I’m not sure what happened to my foot but it’s swollen and hurting.  So bad that I had to untie my shoe, while driving down the interstate, so I could loosen my laces.  As for my butt…well it’s a reoccurring rash….from sit-ups!  How do you realize you have this rash since it’s pretty tough to see, you feel the burn when you get in the shower…OUCH!!  Today after our workout I was talking to the other ladies in the group who are also experiencing the same thing, and we all agreed that our trainer know just when it’s about to clear up then…MORE SITUPS! Haha.

We also talked about how we wouldn’t have it any other way.  Our soreness and “battle wounds” calluses and occasional bruises remind of us of our hard work (they also serve as a good reminder not to eat those sweets and carbs)

Soreness, for me is a pretty good measurement; if I’m not sore I know I didn’t get the most out of my workout.  Either I didn’t push myself or my technique was off.  If I don’t work out, I even miss my soreness.

How sick does this sound?  It most likely only sounds sick to those who haven’t made hard work outs a part of their lifestyle.  For the rest of us soreness is truly a joy J

Today was a nice day.  Not too much drama, a well-balanced day.  I would love for most days to be like this.  Eating was good, workout was good, and I received a great compliment today.  I still have my eating weighing heavy on my mind.  My trainer and I talked about what to eat when these binge episodes occur.  I was even online today looking for some kind of help on how to work on what I believe is a food addiction.  I didn’t have much luck though.  I’m really not sure what I’m looking for.  I don’t think what I’m experiencing is extreme at this point.  It’s not like I’m binging and purging.  It seems like it should be so simple.  Why can’t I just walk away, why can’t I just not do it?

I’ve been contemplating therapy again.  I question whether or not this is really necessary.  I’m so on the fence with it. There’s a part of me, at times, that believes I am strong enough to fight this and win.  There’s another part of me that feels so helpless, no hope for myself.  The great thing is that the part of me that believes I can beat this is around more often than it’s ever been; I feel so good about that.  The frustration is coming from not getting over this hump.  I am still hitting this brick wall and it is very discouraging.  I’ll keep trying, I don’t want to stop, I don’t want to go back to where I was EVER!

Being "Kind and Generous" with your time makes a world of difference...

Sitting here tonight still with worries for others but feeling much better. My husband and I had a good conversation…I talked, he listened, I wished for my old therapist from NY, he smiled and I felt better.  I had a conversation with my trainer today about eating, my binging, the worries I have.  He listened, asked a few questions, shared with me and I felt better.

Both conversations combined were less than an hour…an hour made a world of difference to me.  It makes such a big difference to me because that’s what I need.  I need to hear what I’m thinking; I accept it when I hear it.  I need for someone else to hear what I feel; not sure why, maybe to validate what I’m feeling.  Maybe because the 1 or 2 people I have a huge amount of trust in will be straight forward and honest with.  Are some things hard to hear from such people…heck yes!  Does it make me a better person, absolutely…does that better person appear instantly, unfortunately not, but it’s happening.

I can’t thank TJ and Brent enough for today; for taking the time to talk, to ask, to help J  I have been blessed with great people, as we all have been, I am even more blessed because I recognize this. 

I will never be able to Thank God enough for them.

Because this song says what I am feeling right now.

It's just a hurdle...I will get over it sooner then later

Been trying to figure out today where I stand in this life…I’m confused, so does that mean I’m still lost?  So many things have been going on…stressful things, yet I’m not sure how much of this really needs to affect me.  I allow so many negative feelings to overwhelm me.

The last couple of weeks have revealed how much I allow myself to get caught up in the emotions of others.  My life has been good, I have my stresses and we are going through a couple of tough things right now but it’s nothing that is going to kill us.  Is it possible that my comfort zone is anxiety and wallowing in sorrow that when I don’t have any of my own I look to others for theirs?  That can’t be, I can’t imagine why anyone, why I, would want that.

Since the beginning of this year I feel that I’ve come to terms with a couple of major things that have consumed my life for years.  Those were the things that I “ate about”.  I truly believed that once I came to terms with those things adhering to eating well would be easy.  I have to take that back…eating well IS easy for me.  It truly is!  Everything I was taught is embedded into my brain.  The hard work that other put into me is there, I’ve been educated and no one can take that from me.

What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I get past this emotional binging?  I feel stuck; I don’t know what to do.  I am at a loss and I don’t know how to fix this.  Do I accept my physical self and move on with life?  I can’t do that!  I don’t like my physical self.  It’s not pretty, it’s not healthy, and it’s just not where I want to be.

At times I feel like I’m breaking and I push myself to get past that point, and I do and that is a HUGE accomplishment for me!  It’s that sense of accomplishment that pushes me to go further. 

Support from others is more important to me than it should be; but it’s something I need.  Last night after working out we were talking about how much we need and support each other and how we would not do what we were doing without each other and/or our trainer.  This made me feel better about myself.  I do rely on others, more than I should, but how bad is that?  Is it bad because it’s an inconvenience to others or bad because I feel like I need guidance or direction? 

I’m not feeling sorry for myself.  I know my life is improving, I see improvements, and so many are clear to me.  I know things take time, but this 2 steps forward than 1 ½ steps back thing is getting to me.  I love my workouts, the people I work out with, my trainer and everything he’s taught me, the knowledge I have is something that will stick with me forever and best of all, I can share it with so many others, especially my family. 

I can overcome this, I know I can.  I’ve overcome so many little and big things within that last 2 years.  I wish I could just pinpoint the issue I am not dealing with so I can tackle it and move forward.  In the meantime, I will keep trying, I’ll focus on that run that I am determined to complete, and I’ll keep that smile on my face, no matter what J